Day 9 of NC and struggling

[bubbl]

Hey guys

 

I've been reading this forum for a while and love the supportive, honest vibe.

 

I could do with some encouragement. Im on day 9 of NC and dying to text my ex. He ended it after a 6month relationship.

 

I'm just a bit upset that he's made no effort to contact me (although in fairness I think he may be respecting my wishes, as I asked him not to contact me for a while). Guess I was secretly hoping he would have emailed by now.

 

Sorry if this sounds pathetic, given it's only day 9. Any words of advice/wisdom would be great. x

[aloneinaz]

Here's the facts that you stated. He dumped you and told you he doesn't want you in his life anymore. What value would there be in making ANY contact w/him? He'll only think your pathetic, desperate and get a HUGE ego boost while showing your text to his buddies and family. Don't give him the satisfaction.

 

Understand everyone has the right to end a R/S when they are not feeling it. We've all done it. It appears he did it w/some class as he's leaving you alone.

 

Stick to NC for your personal pride and self esteem. You'll hate yourself if you contact him again. Spend this time healing. I can say w/100% certainty that you'll heal the fastest staying NC, avoiding social media and hearing any updates on what he's up to.

 

Focus on yourself and date again when you're ready. There's way too many people on this planet who want what you want. You just have to put yourself out there again to meet them when you're ready.

[DarrenB]

Stay strong, and prioritize yourself. Granted it's easier said than done, but you're going to save yourself a lot of procrastinating and over-thinking about it.

 

I'm in a somewhat same position, I left it on a nice note after having an abrupt ending. I'm partially hoping to get her back in the future but at the same time I'm ready for the worst to happen as well (she moves on or doesn't want anything to do with me at all ever).

 

You are your own person, and no-one or nothing should get in the way of your own life, regardless of who the person is or what the situation is.

 

Keep us updated via the forum :-)

[Ady1974]

I'm on day 22 of NC and it is very hard. I also asked her for some space and she is giving it to me, but i still can't help myself hoping i would get a text or a missed call. I suppose it is a habbit that i'm still trying to break.

 

You have to be strong and stay NC until you are ready to move on with your life. I have decided to stay NC until i'm healed and then if i want my ex back i will try. Maybe i will change my mind between now and then. I don't know.

 

NC is hard but stick to it. Like alone said. You will heal faster

[preraph]

Look, even if he did recontact you, it wouldn't be because he's suddenly head over heels. It would be because he's drunk and horny. So even if he does, don't answer! Stop planning anything around hearing from him again and make the decision that that is not going to happen.

[Rng]

I'm at 7 weeks of NC and I can tell you it does get better. My situation was particularly brutal and if I can do it, I know you can too. Its an "ignorance is bliss" kind of situation. You'll have to remind yourself that any sort of contact will only set you back, so avoid it at all costs. Temptation to reach out will sometimes become intense, so post here instead when the time comes. If he decides he made a mistake, he will make an effort to let you know. Otherwise, just keep moving forward. There is no going back in life.

[bubbl]

Thanks for your replies. Really encouraging. I didn't contact him in the end. In fact, I re-read my post and realised how needy I sounded. I didn't like what I read lol!

 

You're right that if he wanted to get back with me, he'd make the effort. I respect him for not having contacted me so far (i guess a part of you always wants them to send an 'i miss you' or something though, just to let you know they're thinking of you), but really, what's the point? It means nothing if it's just a fleeting thought & they still want their freedom.

 

Just wondered if anyone has deactivated their FB after a break-up, just to avoid the temptation of checking their page? I don't want to unfriend him as we parted on fairly good terms (although still obviously painful).

 

Also, good luck to everyone else going through NC!

[DarrenB]

Thanks for your replies. Really encouraging. I didn't contact him in the end. In fact, I re-read my post and realised how needy I sounded. I didn't like what I read lol!

 

You're right that if he wanted to get back with me, he'd make the effort. I respect him for not having contacted me so far (i guess a part of you always wants them to send an 'i miss you' or something though, just to let you know they're thinking of you), but really, what's the point? It means nothing if it's just a fleeting thought & they still want their freedom.

 

Just wondered if anyone has deactivated their FB after a break-up, just to avoid the temptation of checking their page? I don't want to unfriend him as we parted on fairly good terms (although still obviously painful).

 

Also, good luck to everyone else going through NC!

 

I myself being the dumpee, my ex blocked me off all social media possible that I could reach her on, her father did also.

 

I think it depends on what you want, if you're going through NC rules, on most regulations it should be kept that way unless you or both of you expect something to come out of it later down the line.

 

Life is cruel really haha, that's what I say.

[marky00]

Does this make you feel any better?

 

 

9 year long distance relationship:

 

 

She tried to break-up in 2013 but I managed to convince her otherwise.

 

 

2015, she dumps me when I visit her for a holiday in her country.

 

 

April 2016, go on holiday with her, not expecting a huge turn-around but any ending was better than what happened in 2015.

 

 

Now since like 25 days, she just disappeared. I haven't tried to contact her as one unanswered reply was enough to tell me something was up.

 

 

It really depends on how long the relationship is but most people on here tend to say the worst of the pain peaks about 30 -40 days after breakup but u start to feel somewhat better at about 3 months. So at 9 days, it may still get a little worse before it gets better.

[sooshi]

Just wondered if anyone has deactivated their FB after a break-up, just to avoid the temptation of checking their page? I don't want to unfriend him as we parted on fairly good terms (although still obviously painful).

Yep, I deactivated my account shortly after the break-up. I didn't remove him as a friend.

 

I reactivated my account once and saw his profile, read through his posts, etc. It set me back a lot (and I had thought I would be just fine) and caused a lot of pain.

 

I deactivated it again and haven't looked back. I feel so much better without it.

 

NC is hard, but it does get easier. You're doing great.

[aloneinaz]

I went through a terrible break up 3.5 years ago. I was dumped though I knew the R/S was terrible and toxic. I followed this sites NC rules to the T. I vanished from her life. She never heard from me again.

 

I'm a HUGE advocate of the NC rule for healing and moving forward w/your life. It's very natural to want to hear from the dumper to show you that they did care about you and to insure you're "ok".. Sadly, this thinking is flawed. A dumpee doesn't need to hear from the dumper ever again. To think of a reconciliation and you will then live happily ever after is simple BS. Reconciliations don't work 99% of the time and only provide more drama and heartbreak.

 

NC and out of sight and out of mind helped me heal the fastest. Within a couple of months I felt good enough to casually date again to get out of the house and have some laughs with the opposite sex. Several months later I met my now fiance that I've been together with for 3 years. Ironically, this dumper reappeared 6 months after dumping me. She begged for another chance and was told no and good luck.

 

I look back now at that last ex and say to myself "thank gosh I'm not with her anymore". Time away from a R/S allows you to review it w/a fresh perspective. I look back and get mad at myself for staying in such a lousy R/S w/a person w/way too much baggage. I heard recently from a friend that this last ex got married. My honest thought? That poor bastard..

[DarrenB]

I went through a terrible break up 3.5 years ago. I was dumped though I knew the R/S was terrible and toxic. I followed this sites NC rules to the T. I vanished from her life. She never heard from me again.

 

I'm a HUGE advocate of the NC rule for healing and moving forward w/your life. It's very natural to want to hear from the dumper to show you that they did care about you and to insure you're "ok".. Sadly, this thinking is flawed. A dumpee doesn't need to hear from the dumper ever again. To think of a reconciliation and you will then live happily ever after is simple BS. Reconciliations don't work 99% of the time and only provide more drama and heartbreak.

 

NC and out of sight and out of mind helped me heal the fastest. Within a couple of months I felt good enough to casually date again to get out of the house and have some laughs with the opposite sex. Several months later I met my now fiance that I've been together with for 3 years. Ironically, this dumper reappeared 6 months after dumping me. She begged for another chance and was told no and good luck.

 

I look back now at that last ex and say to myself "thank gosh I'm not with her anymore". Time away from a R/S allows you to review it w/a fresh perspective. I look back and get mad at myself for staying in such a lousy R/S w/a person w/way too much baggage. I heard recently from a friend that this last ex got married. My honest thought? That poor bastard..

 

I'm actually quite curious with what you said.

 

What do you think on younger people in relationships? say from 16-20. Do you feel that there would be a chance in future to re-kindle something after fixing the mistakes and fixing yourself, or is it based solely on the situation and the people, rather than age and time?

 

Thanks

[Rng]

Thanks for your replies. Really encouraging. I didn't contact him in the end. In fact, I re-read my post and realised how needy I sounded. I didn't like what I read lol!

 

You're right that if he wanted to get back with me, he'd make the effort. I respect him for not having contacted me so far (i guess a part of you always wants them to send an 'i miss you' or something though, just to let you know they're thinking of you), but really, what's the point? It means nothing if it's just a fleeting thought & they still want their freedom.

 

Just wondered if anyone has deactivated their FB after a break-up, just to avoid the temptation of checking their page? I don't want to unfriend him as we parted on fairly good terms (although still obviously painful).

 

Also, good luck to everyone else going through NC!

 

I definitely would have deactivated FB if I didn't have to have it for work. You may not want to block him due to it ending on good terms, but its still the best move for your own healing. Just seeing the other person will trigger you and set you back, so I'd go ahead and do it for your own mental health. I passed my ex on the road twice so far, and both times I went home and drank half a bottle of wine lol.

 

I still have those conflicting thoughts where I want to reach out or I wish she'd send me a breadcrumb of some kind, but then I just remember that there's no putting our relationship back together after what she did. Your situation doesn't sound as bad, but the only thing you should ever respond to is a full-fledged apology and admission that they were wrong and want to commit to you. Then the ball is in your court to make the decision. By then you'll likely be able to look at things more clearly and may not want him back anyway.

[aloneinaz]

 

Just wondered if anyone has deactivated their FB after a break-up, just to avoid the temptation of checking their page? I don't want to unfriend him as we parted on fairly good terms (although still obviously painful).

 

Also, good luck to everyone else going through NC!

 

Good to hear you had resolve and pride and didn't contact him. Well done.

 

On FB, why punish yourself and not be able to use it? You know what you need to do. You need to de-friend him and anyone close to him and then block them. Having them blocked will keep you from want to "spy" on his page.

 

You should have absolutely ZERO concern as to how that looks to him or anyone else. You're not friends anymore nor will you be in the future. You shouldn't care nor want to know what he's up to. What you're up to is none of his business either. Taking that step and blocking him and de-friending any one who could up date him is the smart thing to do. You owe him no explanation either. Again, he told you he's not into you anymore and doesn't want you in his life. GGGIIVVVEEE that to him.

[aloneinaz]

I'm actually quite curious with what you said.

 

What do you think on younger people in relationships? say from 16-20. Do you feel that there would be a chance in future to re-kindle something after fixing the mistakes and fixing yourself, or is it based solely on the situation and the people, rather than age and time?

 

Thanks

 

Reconciliations not working a 2nd, 3rd or more time applies to any age. I had some friends who dated in HS, broke up and got married after HS. They all got divorced. I also know of no HS couple w/out a break up who stayed married for the long term. Why? At that young age, everyone is still maturing, growing and trying to figure out who they are and what they want. They can be totally different people in their mid 20's.

 

Everyone I know that's been happily married 10 plus years have never experienced any form of break up. None of them. On the other hand, I had several LTR's over the decades that incurred one break up or more and shockingly, they all failed w/a divorce of one of them thrown in for good measure.

 

There's usually valid reason's why people end relationships but it's mainly compatibility issues due to personalities. So, 6 months later, both are still single and lonely so they try again. Tell me, what would really change in someone's core personality? All the same BS reappears and it ends again.

[buddy825]

To get someone's attention remove yours. If they do not seem to care then you just reaffirmed that the person has moved on and is no longer interested. If they contact you do not go wild with enthusiasm. Be polite and keep your answers short and to the point. If they wish you a happy birthday then respond with thank you. That's it. They dumped you and unless they are beating your door down to get back together just keep moving forward and keep NC.

[Lyssse]

To get someone's attention remove yours. If they do not seem to care then you just reaffirmed that the person has moved on and is no longer interested. If they contact you do not go wild with enthusiasm. Be polite and keep your answers short and to the point. If they wish you a happy birthday then respond with thank you. That's it. They dumped you and unless they are beating your door down to get back together just keep moving forward and keep NC.

 

 

My favorite quote currently is:

 

"It's better to move on than to hold on to a person who doesn't understand you, because your absence will teach what your presence cannot"

[aloneinaz]

To get someone's attention remove yours. If they do not seem to care then you just reaffirmed that the person has moved on and is no longer interested. If they contact you do not go wild with enthusiasm. Be polite and keep your answers short and to the point. If they wish you a happy birthday then respond with thank you. That's it. They dumped you and unless they are beating your door down to get back together just keep moving forward and keep NC.

 

I politely disagree with this post. The dumper kicked them out of their life and said "beat it kid". At that point, you owe them nothing. Not a reply to a "feeler" text nor any other contact. I know many people who got kicked to the curb and NEVER spoke to the ex again. They knew once the R/S ended, there was no going back, ever. Many people remove all possibilities of contact from an ex cause they know it will only hurt them for the first few months post break up. This site demonstrates that point day in and day out.

 

After they move on and get over it, most folks have NO aspirations to ever hear or have contact with a dumper again. They simply don't care as they've moved onto the next great love.

 

My last point. Read the daily posts on this site. Dumpers who stalk their exes social media, don't date after months of being single again and rehash and relive the drama of the FAILED R/S don't move on and stay STUCK.

 

The people who do heal and move on to happiness in the shortest time frame are the ones who vanish and go NC post break up. They heal the quickest. They are able to put themselves out there to find love again.

[bubbl]

Day 11 of NC- just posting here to stop myself emailing the ex. I miss him so much (despite being hurt by his behaviour in the last 2 or so months of the relationship- where he became cold and secretive)- still, I only seem to remember the good things. I will have moments of clarity but in the evenings and during the weekends, I find nc the most unbearable.

 

Bleurgh. Hope everyone else is holding up better than me.

[srhxo]

Sorry to hear you're struggling with it. Everyone has those moments when NC feels almost impossible to maintain, but the feeling will pass, I promise. The thing I found that helps a lot is to stop keeping count on how many days it has been. It's easier to move on from someone when you aren't constantly thinking "wow, it's been ___ days since we last spoke/saw each other." Personally, I feel like it makes you miss them more.

 

Glad you posted here instead of reaching out to your ex. I do the same thing when I get the urge to send a message to mine. I hope you feel better soon <3

[Joebloggs91]

I can't recommend highly enough how taking a break from social media helps the healing process.

 

I took a 3 month break back in March and it helped tenfold. I'm currently going through a second break up and I'm doing the same again.

 

In my opinion having that temptation there plays on your mind and whilst 90% of the day/night you resist, there is that lingering voice wondering what they're up to or who their with, where they've been etc etc. Taking yourself out of that situation takes the temptation away.

 

I now spend my evenings reading health and fitness blogs or trying to help out on these forums. Far more productive than looking at what people had for dinner

[aloneinaz]

Day 11 of NC- just posting here to stop myself emailing the ex. I miss him so much (despite being hurt by his behaviour in the last 2 or so months of the relationship- where he became cold and secretive)- still, I only seem to remember the good things. I will have moments of clarity but in the evenings and during the weekends, I find nc the most unbearable.

 

Bleurgh. Hope everyone else is holding up better than me.

 

NC is the same as breaking a bad habit. People quit cigarettes because the kill you. It's not easy to do obviously but millions have been successful. Each day that passes the "cravings" to contact get weaker. By 30 days NC, it will be much easier and you'll be on the down hill side.

[staggerlee71]

No Contact

first 30 days= Bitter

By 60 Days=bittersweet

90+=Sweeet!!

[sooshi]

When you feel the urge to e-mail or contact him in any other way, post on here instead.

 

Take care.

[bubbl]

Thanks again, all.