SunnySG Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 In what way did you tell your spouse that you were filing for divorce? I'm very nervous - but firm - about my decision and although I have mentioned divorce many times and we've recently discussed it, I think my husband is stil in denial. Emotionally, I have moved on and am ready for the next step in my life. How do I gently tell him I intend to file papers?
Zaira Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 You don't really have to. You can always wait and then just have them served. Saves any extra arguments.
shygurl Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by ~Zaira~ You don't really have to. You can always wait and then just have them served. Saves any extra arguments. I dunno, seems to me that if you're going to tell your spouse that you want out of the marriage and you're going to file for divorce that you should at least tell them to their face as opposed to some stranger serving them with papers - considering you're going to have to face them once they come home from work.
Kat Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 I would ask them out for coffee and talk to them. Explain your feelings and reasonings (if you want) and serve them in a netural place.
Zaira Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by shygurl I dunno, seems to me that if you're going to tell your spouse that you want out of the marriage and you're going to file for divorce that you should at least tell them to their face as opposed to some stranger serving them with papers - considering you're going to have to face them once they come home from work. Ooops, I just assumed that they had already been separated and this was the next step.
dgiirl Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 It's not going to be easy, but the least you can do is to tell him that you want a divorce and that you are leaving the house. Do not do what my stbxh did. He came home, we watched a television show, after it was over, he turned the tv off, and turned to me saying he wants a divorce, then went to sleep in another room. The next day he proceeds to tell me what a horrible person I am and then left. Keep your dignity. Do not blame him for the divorce. He might cry, beg, expect it, but dont get angry. If you are not already separated, just tell him that you need some space and that you are leaving. If you are already separated, then just tell him that you have seen a lawyer and this is the next step he recommends. My stbxh left, and has done zip all towards the divorce. I filed after 4+ months, and emailed him saying to expect the bailiff. All my friends said I shouldnt have emailed him, that it was too nice lol. So much for me being a horrible person If you are not separated yet, then I wouldnt file just yet. There's plenty of time for that. I'd give both yourselves a few months for the emotions to settle. Noone can think clearly in the initial stages and he might seek out revenge. Give him time to grieve and to get use to the idea of you being gone. I'm trying my best to keep everything civil. Had my stbxh kept pressuring me in the initial stages, I would have snapped and went for blood. Do see a lawyer to know your rights, but dont file just yet. I protected myself legally, then gave myself time to grieve. After 5 months, I'm in a better state now than I was when the dbomb dropped. I might be screwing myself now because his guilt has probably gone, but I'd rather know that I did everything honorably, even if he screws me. I'm the one who's going to have to live with myself for the rest of my life. I'd like to be able to look in the mirror and like the person i see.
Author SunnySG Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 We aren't seperated. I have asked for a seperation, counseling, more space, etc. and all have been met with "No." I have told him all my reasons for seperation/divorce and he chooses to ignore them. I feel terrible. He'll be a great person for someone else - just not for me. And this makes it harder. I am trying to be as kind as possible without loosing my cool so he doesn't hate me. But it's time to be on my own again.
dgiirl Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by SunnySG We aren't seperated. I have asked for a seperation, counseling, more space, etc. and all have been met with "No." I'm sorry, I dont really understand this comment. If you want separation, then why are you not separated? If you want counselling, you go to counselling. If you want more space, you take more space. He can say no all he wants, if you want to leave, you leave. I'm not saying be cruel, but you have to take responsibility for yourself a little. If you want out, you leave. He cant force you to stay. He can beg and plead all he wants, at the end of the day, it's your decision and you have to take responsibility for it.
flyby Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 move out when hes at work and only be there when he comes home and tell him then. Then leave and go to your new place. Just say "you didn't want to listen to me and I can't make this easy -so I'm going to make it fast. We are not right for each other and I have moved out. I have also seen an attorney and am filing for a divorce. I'm sorry that we have both been hurt but I hold no animosity toward you and wish you well."
Zaira Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by SunnySG We aren't seperated. I have asked for a seperation, counseling, more space, etc. and all have been met with "No." I have told him all my reasons for seperation/divorce and he chooses to ignore them. I feel terrible. He'll be a great person for someone else - just not for me. And this makes it harder. I am trying to be as kind as possible without loosing my cool so he doesn't hate me. But it's time to be on my own again. Instead of asking for his decision, just make your own. The longer you leave it the harder it will be
Author SunnySG Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 I told him last night, when I had planned to. Things went smoother than I thought, although there was a moment I thought we were both going to loose it. He still doesn't get it, and he did lash out - which is completely understandable and I would have been surprised if he hadn't. He is moving out this Friday and has much of his stuff packed - he didn't waste time throwing his things into a huge pile. I know he's hurt, and I will regret that forever. I never want to see anyone suffer, let alone someone who loves me. He walked up and down the driveway in his socks looking pitiful and actually played with the dog for the first time EVER. It was like watching an accident and I couldn't take my eyes off it. I look forward to moving on although my parents now know. My mom called while he was outside (she called his cell phone) and unceremoniously he told her we were seperating. This set off a chain of phone calls from my dominating parents and I am dreading seeing them face-to-face because they keep telling me whats best for us, and that doesn't include divorce. AFter all, that's not how they raised me - "You're not a quitter." My mom likes to threaten me with finances since we live in one of their properties - I plan to move into an apartment closer to town, now. But still, I was pissed he just threw it out there. Then he called his mom and while he was on the phone with her he was yelling to me. I understand his reactions, but didn't want everyone to find out in the heat of the moment. But I still feel like I did the right thing. The time had come.
debilou Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Practice self care. I'm reading this book called "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. I think it would be a real eye opener for you. However, you are leaps and bounds ahead of the game since you know your parents are dominating. Also, you seem pretty brave to be able to get out on your own even after they threaten you with $ $ $. You can do it on your own. Get into counseling. For yourself. Good luck! Debilou
Zaira Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Are you feeling somewhat relieved now? You never know though, the separation might do you both so good that you end up falling in love all over again. Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck in finding happiness
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