What do you guys do for your anniversaries?

[Leigh 87]

Maybe hold off on anything until he is clean and drug free for a year, then celebrate that...

 

He's all better after 1 week?

 

 

 

No? That is what regular therapy is for. It is an ongoing struggle. Addiction is a lifetime commitment that most never beat or feel happy with. Most probably loose their jobs, relapse and live in squalor. I get it - but I love him enough to go against all odds. Just to have a chance at being with the person who makes me happier than I know I could find with someone else.

 

He works hard - he deserves a break at a nice hotel. He does things he really enjoys too - I do not expect a guy to treat me to something that is purely for me - THEY have to be into it also.... And he loves hotels:lmao: He deserves a nice retreat....It has been a hard month for my boyfriend.

 

I mean, I am willing to give a guy another chance; a second chance. Because at age 30, 4 long term relationships and 100's of dating partners later - the elusive feelings, chemistry and spark, combined with great compatibility ( having an absolute ball simply going shopping and regularly remarking to each other how fun it is to hang out) --- it is very rare.

 

I have gotten it twice in my life, including this one time where things are just too good on all levels for me to throw in the towel.

 

I do have hope for him.

 

But of course, if he, as an addict, does not stick to regular help, treatment and acute care if necessary (he needs to go straight to the acute care team that he has on call if he EVER gets the urge to use again).

If a person is given a second chance and messed that up - then it is time to think about calling it a day for good, going no contact and seeing if they rehabilitate years down the track and then - and only then - giving into the love if it is what you consider to be "true love", after trying to get go and date and sleep with loads of others, basically.

 

I left him, moved back home, did not tell him to go get help. I just needed to do what was best for me and leave his own issues up to himself. Ultimatums are useless. He was on his own with no explanation from me other than me leaving and telling him " all the best, this is not going to work out".

 

Telling someone to stop is the worst enabling behaviour - since they will ONLY stop because you asked them to - and soon relapse when they are simply not happy only living life "for you" in a way that you see for, just to keep you. I believe he is for real when he says he wants a clean and healthy life - I can see he finds peace and serenity that he has never felt prior to meeting me, due to a lack of love growing up. I just believe he wants it for himself and I was a catalyst in making him believe that the peaceful life he has always wished for - is in fact, possible. A bit of love and support goes a long way.

 

No one will support me on here in giving the guy a second shot. I get it.

 

I am not easy to date, I am sorta mentally unstable myself once in a while, I also seek therapy. He has been such a kind and generous, funny and hard working partner that I do not believe in just giving up at the first hurdle.

 

Maybe the second or third hurdle, but certainly not the first.

 

Everyone else is free to date their non addict partners and enjoy them, so no use trying to tell me it will not work or introducing any negativity please. Both him and I need to remain positive and hopeful that he can be one of the minority who remains clean and does not relapse.

 

I am aware the odds are slim of an addict recovering but I don't want to hear about it, I am well aware, I am not stupid and have been around enough to know the bare facts and statistics here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trust me, this anniversary weekend away is just what we both need. I am in a podiatry degree and my exams will just be over next week, the week of the trip. I have not drunk wine, gone to socialise or had any semblance of a life for a long time now due to this dreadful degree.

 

I cannot wait for the anniversary. Seriously:D He is treating the two of us and certainly not just me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and last time he treated me to a weekend away - I got off the plane from South America, was taken straight to the hotel he surprised me with..

 

....then I fainted and remained passed out in the king delux 10000.000 dollar bed for 2 days straight :lmao::lmao:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So he wants a re do LOL. I didn't even get to take advantage of the buffet breakfast!

[Leigh 87]

My friends fiance got her a new outfit (shoes, skirt and silk blouse) and took her out for a fancy dinner for their anniversary. He is on the 100k bracket income wise though and can afford it...

 

I am seriously curious about people and their spending habits when it comes to love and relationships, since spending generously (I got my own my a trip to the states with my savings from my last job... for his bday) is in SUCH stark contrast to men and women who strictly split all date bills, and are not into materialism at all!

 

I always assumed that a man got a woman perfume or a nice necklace, and treated her for dinner on anniversaries?

 

It is what always felt like the right thing for me personally, when I was growing up. Boy do I have a lot to learn! It seems my bf is in the top tier generosity wise.

 

I am never going to take it for granted.

 

There are women who would be outraged and not accept a gift as nice as the one my bf got me this time so...... different strokes !

[Leigh 87]

Great so the sex shop idea is out:o

 

He really just wants me to get him shoes. Plain white shoes from online, in his band. He has a brand. He doesn't bother to deviate. He knows what fits and cannot be buggard seeking out alternatives. I love manly men who eschew shopping though - the less a guy cares about clothes the better haha.

 

Of course, I am going to get him a little more. But I am going to have to be low budget and creative/thoughtful in my approach..

 

We are not romantic types but we do not have any pictures of us together.

 

I may get him a simple framed picture of us laughing together. Nothing deep or romantic looking like some full on couple photo shoots, gazing into each others eyes LOL.

[SammySammy]

Weekends away and sex.

 

^^^ This.

 

I love weekend getaways. Can exchange gifts, go somewhere or do something to memorialize it, but ... mostly ... sex.

[Leigh 87]

^^^ This.

 

I love weekend getaways. Can exchange gifts, go somewhere or do something to memorialize it, but ... mostly ... sex.

 

 

 

We have not had any lately.

 

We are waiting to move into a new pet friendly rental and are housing with parents for another month or so (paying rent of course), which obviously means NO SEX.

 

So. We just don't have sex atm.

 

I love how respectful he is. Exes of mine would try for sex whilst crashing the night at my folds place.

 

I hope we have a solid weekend of sex. Knowing me, I will be stressed about exams and prob will manage sex once a day.

[JoeSmith357-1]

To answer your question, regardless of how I see your relationship.

 

What I have done in some circumstances as far as non-married anniversaries go:

 

1. Was the anniversary of our fist dedicated meeting IRL (first date usually)

2. Flowers and dinner, a night out, maybe a card

3. no gifts

 

One time I got this one girl I was dating long term a couples massage for us both as well, that was the closest thing to a gift I got for someone I was dating as an anniversary gift

[Gaeta]

We know you and your boyfriend are living on a budget. Now we learn he has a drug addiction for which I am sure he spent a lot of money on. Don't you wonder where he gets this money to buy you gifts? Aren't you concern he may be borrowing to shark loaners or doing criminal activities to pay for his drugs and your 'gifts'.

 

All you see is $$$ you don't seem to wonder where the money comes from and in what position he can put himself in just to 'spoil' you.

[central]

We usually go out to one of our favorite restaurants, then come home to an excellent bottle of wine and spend a passionate evening together.

[MissBee]

Cos I have generous parents and I love to spoil a guy when I am into them. Especially when I am in love and love them deeply on top of the chemistry driven euphoria.

 

I love to be a bit pampered so it feels very un balanced to not reciprocate.

 

I get it...but that's why love languages are important, as you already mentioned. The whole point is to recognize that we need to show love to people in a way that they understand as love. Nothing is wrong with spoiling him materially, if that's how you show love, but if this doesn't have any meaning to him or is less meaningful than acts of service, it's better to focus on what HE likes. It's like you, you like gifts, that's your love language, so it would be a little annoying if a man didn't get you gifts and just substituted some other love language that he prefers. I'm just saying that it's fine to buy him gifts but if for him it doesn't hold the same feeling, you shouldn't get so caught up in that, as it will be more rewarding if you balance it more with doing the things he actually prefers.

[ChickiePops]

We have not had any lately.

 

We are waiting to move into a new pet friendly rental and are housing with parents for another month or so (paying rent of course), which obviously means NO SEX.

 

So. We just don't have sex atm.

 

I love how respectful he is. Exes of mine would try for sex whilst crashing the night at my folds place.

 

I hope we have a solid weekend of sex. Knowing me, I will be stressed about exams and prob will manage sex once a day.

 

Lame! Some of the best sex I've had has been secretly trying to stay quiet sex at my fiancés moms house, or in the dressing room of a department store..or in the shower..or...well..I could go on. Your man needs to up his game!

[introverted1]

I feel as though the Five Love Languages are getting a bad rap here. I've read the book and having "Receiving Gifts" as your love language has NOTHING to do with being spoiled or having money spent in you. The book makes it very clear that gifts can be small things that have emotional value to the recipient, not that this means one partner has to go out of his/her way to spend lavish amounts of money on the other.

 

Honestly, while it's nice to celebrate important milestones in a relationship (whatever they may be to the people involved), the most important thing is to have a happy, healthy relationship in the day-to-day.

[GemmaUK]

I am shocked that within a week all is great with your man Leigh.

You say this is the first hurdle - but I also recall the thread where you were unhappy he didn't take you on dates but splurges on you when his job allows (are you sure it's his job that allows the big amounts of extra cash?)

Plus I also remember the thread where he was hugely drunk one morning, you took your friend's kids off to Maccy D's and upon your return there was a suggestion by your long time friend that he had asked her for sex whilst you were gone.

I would call that a few hurdles within a year myself!!

 

Back to topic - aside from cooking together and singing and dancing our heads off to Green Day we'd go to gigs, very occasionally go out for dinner (maybe about twice in 14 years) but never spent more than £10 on gifts - both of us were more into doing fun stuff we both loved - which is what counts - an anniversary is for you both.

There should be enough in common not to really find gifts necessary IMO.

[RecentChange]

We have never exchanged gifts for anniversaries. Not when we were broke college kids, not when we are very comfortably in the six figure range.

 

But neither of us enjoy being spoiled with material things - both of us instantly think about the EXPERIENCE the money could be spent on. A trip, a dinner, time together and memories made.

 

We met at a Halloween party, so Halloween is our unofficial anniversary - we dress up, go to parties, and then have lots of sex (perhaps while still in costume, haha! )

 

Valentine's, birthday's etc - it's the same thing. A special day together, maybe a meal at a favorite restaurant, perhaps a drive to the coast and a picnic and bottle of wine at the beach.

 

And OMG, no sex at all while you are with the 'rents!? How long will this be going on for? We once had to stay with my folks for 5 weeks while our new rental was readied.

 

First, you can be quiet. Second ahh showers! Third, you know, cars are surprisingly roomie. Fourth, I have access to my office after hours Fifth - the great outdoors await!

 

And if you are uncomfortable with all of the above - what about some head in the car - I am sure this abstinence stuff is killing him - and what anniversary is special without any "action"?

[Leigh 87]

We know you and your boyfriend are living on a budget. Now we learn he has a drug addiction for which I am sure he spent a lot of money on. Don't you wonder where he gets this money to buy you gifts? Aren't you concern he may be borrowing to shark loaners or doing criminal activities to pay for his drugs and your 'gifts'.

 

All you see is $$$ you don't seem to wonder where the money comes from and in what position he can put himself in just to 'spoil' you.

 

 

Oh he has a good job. He treated and spoilt me from the first month even with his prior lower paid job. Well before he relalsed.

 

He isn t dodgey..... he doesn't associate with undesirsbles or druggies.

 

Not all drug addicts sell drugs for a living and break the law. They are normal, straight seeming people, who may work in an industry rife with drug use.

 

Things seem to be going really well so far. I believe he has quit and has the foresight to get himself into re hab and do whatever it takes if he has urges to use again.

 

Not all addicts spiral out of control.

 

Plenty manage ro find peace in a clean, drug free lifestyle.

[Leigh 87]

We have never exchanged gifts for anniversaries. Not when we were broke college kids, not when we are very comfortably in the six figure range.

 

But neither of us enjoy being spoiled with material things - both of us instantly think about the EXPERIENCE the money could be spent on. A trip, a dinner, time together and memories made.

 

We met at a Halloween party, so Halloween is our unofficial anniversary - we dress up, go to parties, and then have lots of sex (perhaps while still in costume, haha! )

 

Valentine's, birthday's etc - it's the same thing. A special day together, maybe a meal at a favorite restaurant, perhaps a drive to the coast and a picnic and bottle of wine at the beach.

 

And OMG, no sex at all while you are with the 'rents!? How long will this be going on for? We once had to stay with my folks for 5 weeks while our new rental was readied.

 

First, you can be quiet. Second ahh showers! Third, you know, cars are surprisingly roomie. Fourth, I have access to my office after hours Fifth - the great outdoors await!

 

And if you are uncomfortable with all of the above - what about some head in the car - I am sure this abstinence stuff is killing him - and what anniversary is special without any "action"?

 

 

I have too much study to do atm to think about sex.

 

We did fck in thr garrage before. He bent me over a car.

[Leigh 87]

I am shocked that within a week all is great with your man Leigh.

You say this is the first hurdle - but I also recall the thread where you were unhappy he didn't take you on dates but splurges on you when his job allows (are you sure it's his job that allows the big amounts of extra cash?)

Plus I also remember the thread where he was hugely drunk one morning, you took your friend's kids off to Maccy D's and upon your return there was a suggestion by your long time friend that he had asked her for sex whilst you were gone.

I would call that a few hurdles within a year myself!!

 

Back to topic - aside from cooking together and singing and dancing our heads off to Green Day we'd go to gigs, very occasionally go out for dinner (maybe about twice in 14 years) but never spent more than £10 on gifts - both of us were more into doing fun stuff we both loved - which is what counts - an anniversary is for you both.

There should be enough in common not to really find gifts necessary IMO.

 

My ex friend acted inappropriate. He did nothing wrong. He is very loyal.

 

Having a crap friend didn't prove to be a hurdle.

 

And me being unhappy about lack of dates was me being unreasonable. I was in the wrong. He spoils me in other ways and I should have been more grateful.

[Leigh 87]

Lame! Some of the best sex I've had has been secretly trying to stay quiet sex at my fiancés moms house, or in the dressing room of a department store..or in the shower..or...well..I could go on. Your man needs to up his game!

 

It makes me sick thinking about sex while the folks are in the next room though.

 

We are too lazy to think about orchestrating sex in public!

 

I have gained weight to BMI of 24 up from my usual 21 so I don't feel comfortable with him seeing me in the shower atm.

[Leigh 87]

I get it...but that's why love languages are important, as you already mentioned. The whole point is to recognize that we need to show love to people in a way that they understand as love. Nothing is wrong with spoiling him materially, if that's how you show love, but if this doesn't have any meaning to him or is less meaningful than acts of service, it's better to focus on what HE likes. It's like you, you like gifts, that's your love language, so it would be a little annoying if a man didn't get you gifts and just substituted some other love language that he prefers. I'm just saying that it's fine to buy him gifts but if for him it doesn't hold the same feeling, you shouldn't get so caught up in that, as it will be more rewarding if you balance it more with doing the things he actually prefers.

 

Great perspective.

 

You are right... I prefer physical touch and to be a bit spoilt. My ex never spoilt me, went halves or took turns in paying and although he was super loving and crazy about me and showed it- I wasn't happy with him.

 

His love style was acts of service. He cooked cleaned and would expect me to contribute my own groceries if I needed something:sick:

 

His main thing was verbal snd physical affection. It just didn't get my juices going when he didn't take on that strong " provider" type role of treating the woman and spoiling her. Yet he would brag about thr 30k he hsd saved:rolleyes:

 

With current bf- he PREFERS to pay for groceries. He won't even dream of asking a gifl to pay for her 3 or 4 food items because IT IS CHEAP, lol!

 

I don't mind that he doesn't save as much.

[joseb]

Great perspective.

 

You are right... I prefer physical touch and to be a bit spoilt. My ex never spoilt me, went halves or took turns in paying and although he was super loving and crazy about me and showed it- I wasn't happy with him.

 

His love style was acts of service. He cooked cleaned and would expect me to contribute my own groceries if I needed something:sick:

 

His main thing was verbal snd physical affection. It just didn't get my juices going when he didn't take on that strong " provider" type role of treating the woman and spoiling her. Yet he would brag about thr 30k he hsd saved:rolleyes:

 

With current bf- he PREFERS to pay for groceries. He won't even dream of asking a gifl to pay for her 3 or 4 food items because IT IS CHEAP, lol!

 

I don't mind that he doesn't save as much.

 

But Leigh you need to focus on what He likes too -

it sounds like he isnt into receiving gifts and stuff - I know that that does nothing for me at all personally. So you need to tailor it to something he would appreciate.

[Leigh 87]

Well if all a guy wants is a .... white pair of his usual brand of shoes.....

 

It sorta makes for a lame gift?

 

I want to spoil him in a way he appreciates .

[joseb]

Well if all a guy wants is a .... white pair of his usual brand of shoes.....

 

It sorta makes for a lame gift?

 

I want to spoil him in a way he appreciates .

 

Yeah I mean not a product, piece of clothing etc.

Do something he would appreciate.

Like maybe book somewhere cool in the middle of nowhere just you two so you can have proper alone time. In your situation, that is what I would appreciate.

And it doesn't need to be super expensive!