Married people don't envy their single friends

[LookAtThisPOst]

I saw a recent post on Facebook. Friend of mine, she's been married to her husband for quite a while.

 

She said she was watching this reality dating show where the camera crew followed this woman around. A rather successful and of course attractive entertainer. Apparently, she had the WORST experiences from being stood up to having the guy leave in the middle of the date, lying, etc.

 

She was like 'WTF is wrong with people?!" And this is a married woman looking from the "outside-in".

 

Then she said<name of husband> don't DIE on me anytime soon!! LOL

 

This FB post reminded me of a married woman of 20 years, kid out in college, said she is SO thankful for being married as she has quite a few single friends that she's heard dating horror stories from.

 

Seems these married people have it better than we do, the single people? Of course, they make it sound like that, right?

[BikerAccnt]

Totally depends on the state of the marriage.

 

When I was married, for the longest time, I was supremely happy. I couldn't imagine wanting to be single and doing on "the hunt" again. Blech.

 

Towards the end, I couldn't wait to be single. And couldn't be single soon enough.

[so gutted]

The majority od married men are online looking ..

[GorillaTheater]

There's a facet or two I envy my single friends over, mostly the simplicity of their lives. Sometimes it seems like I spend half my time working out the logistics of where kids need to be, what they're going to do, who's going to help them, what I need to do as a result. Very little time is truly my own.

 

 

But I wouldn't trade what I have for what my single friends have. Well, maybe for a day every once in a while.

[BlueIris]

... Seems these married people have it better than we do, the single people? Of course, they make it sound like that, right?

 

It sounds as though you prefer being single, which is great. Nothing wrong with that at all.

[GorillaTheater]

The majority od married men are online looking ..

 

 

Right now I'm online looking at you.

[central]

You can be lonelier in a poor marriage than when you're single. A good marriage is a wonderful thing, though. But I'd rather be single and have HOPE for better things, than be in a poor marriage with no hope.

 

 

My first marriage had me longing to be single again. Then I really enjoyed being single, dating, and having hope and a life again. Now, having found a truly compatible partner, I am glad to be married again.

[preraph]

I think it's normal for both married and single people to try to see the positives in their own situations and not concentrate on the downside but I believe both can see advantages and disadvantages to both being married and being single. What drives me nuts, though, is when married people or people with kids pressure you to be like them when you're just not. Everyone wants people doing what they're doing because then that validates their choices. Plus misery loves company. Most married people I've known haven't been very happy, but maybe they'd have also been miserable single. I've really only known a couple of happy couples in my entire lifetime. Marriage is hard. Being single is easier in many ways but only if you're not the type of person who is starved for companionship all the time. But then it can be harder financially and like for me now in my 60s, hard to just get help doing something when I need it like put in an air conditioner window unit. Last week I had to get up on a ladder with my torn miniscus knee to replace the cable box, and that was a bit scary.

[BlueIris]

I think it's normal for both married and single people to try to see the positives in their own situations and not concentrate on the downside but I believe both can see advantages and disadvantages to both being married and being single. What drives me nuts, though, is when married people or people with kids pressure you to be like them when you're just not. Everyone wants people doing what they're doing because then that validates their choices. Plus misery loves company. Most married people I've known haven't been very happy, but maybe they'd have also been miserable single. I've really only known a couple of happy couples in my entire lifetime. Marriage is hard. Being single is easier in many ways but only if you're not the type of person who is starved for companionship all the time. But then it can be harder financially and like for me now in my 60s, hard to just get help doing something when I need it like put in an air conditioner window unit. Last week I had to get up on a ladder with my torn miniscus knee to replace the cable box, and that was a bit scary.

 

Yeah, there are people who are miserable regardless of whether they're coupled or single. They wouldn't appreciate life no matter what.

[Leigh 87]

This was not true for me, personally.

 

Whenever I felt this way - that a warm body next to me, who loved me and was there to cuddle me at night and "mean something" - was better than NO ONE.

 

How wrong was I.

 

I made myself very miserable when I settled for men who adored me when I did not adore them - or conversely, when I settled for men I was into yet who were NOT into me at all. I noted that my will to have a "partner" paled so much in comparison to my drive to have " true love, passion and compatibility".

 

We all need the above things in varying doses (some need the 10/10 compatibility and average chemistry, where as others prefer the amazing fireworks with so so, decent but not outstanding comparability).

 

Do we ALL need a partner in life, per say?

 

Have we reached a day and age where we truly can find fulfilment in our careers and in our hobbies and leisure activities, especially as women, WITHOUT the need to HAVE to have a security blanket of a partner?

 

What is it about having a partner that makes married people think they have it so good - surely single people can focus more on cultivating friendships?

 

Plus - what's more - if people settle for less than the big love, soul level, love of your LIFE type of chemistry and "feelings" - isn't waking up next to a partner who you lack the fire work, pretty much the same as having a constant friend by our side? Which we can all find new good friends if we try hard to be positive and attract like minded individuals as friends?

 

I also learnt:dating can be amazing fun. I had SUCH an amazing, exciting, hot and varied love life. When I met Mr fireworks, man of my dreams - I could safely say " as much as I love sex, I have really been around enough to know what a good deal is". I shagged lecturers, the guy next door, had wives call me wondering who I was (men can be such scumbag liars!), you name it, it has probably happened to me. I know all about being ghosted on, I have had men fall hard for me and not reciprocated, and fallen for unavailable men.

 

And I am ONLY 30, and feel like I hardly lived yet! For my years and inexperience still, I have to say that I ended up LOVING dating.

 

If you learn that basically people can ghost you ANY TIME, and to NOT GET ATTACHED and to SEPARATE the god damn "chemistry" crap from actual FEELINGS - then you are good to go! It is only people who allow themselves to pin too much hope too early on, have mental issues and cannot yet identify how they hold themselves back - that end up HATING dating.

 

I hated the fact I hated dating so I figured out why. Who was I. What did I most yearn for.

 

So for me personally, when I was single, I ended up feeling HAPPIER that way than in settling for a lacklustre partnership - although my ideal was to be madly in love with a lasting partner - who felt just as crazy about me as I did about him.

 

So I had my ideal yes, I admit it, but my need to be MARRIED and have a full time PARTNER and HAVE to get a mortgage and have kids - was next to 0 in and of itself.I was a tad jealous of big loves - that FEELING some rare, lucky couples have. The ones who still make out - the ones who had natural great chemistry and big love feelings coupled with amazing compatibility.

 

Only twice have I found relationships worth staying in where we BOTH were super into each other on EVERY level.

 

The times I settled for less than a guy who I had less than amazing chemistry and compatibility with - I was SO MUCH HAPPIER single than with Mr "good enough". So while my top pick was to find the love of my life - to have chemistry with MEANING - I was still happier with chemistry ONLY amazing flings, dating, and being SINGLE, than I was partnered up with a solid and decent partner with whom I felt no real connection with.

I think most women are like me - they would love to meet their soul mate and big love type of partner - but they are not SO KEEN to not be "single" that they wish to jump upon the first solid and reliable man that is into them, that walks their way.

[Leigh 87]

I envy people who are legit with the absolute love of their lives, those people who make us feel like we are really living.

 

I do not envy the majority of married couples I know. Because most admit they are not with the great love of their life, despite having MET this person prior to "settling" with their spouses.

 

I often felt lucky to be single judging from the majority of relationships that were around me.

 

I only had one couple who made me WANT to find what they had. One.

[so gutted]

This was not true for me, personally.

 

Whenever I felt this way - that a warm body next to me, who loved me and was there to cuddle me at night and "mean something" - was better than NO ONE.

 

How wrong was I.

 

I made myself very miserable when I settled for men who adored me when I did not adore them - or conversely, when I settled for men I was into yet who were NOT into me at all. I noted that my will to have a "partner" paled so much in comparison to my drive to have " true love, passion and compatibility".

 

We all need the above things in varying doses (some need the 10/10 compatibility and average chemistry, where as others prefer the amazing fireworks with so so, decent but not outstanding comparability).

 

Do we ALL need a partner in life, per say?

 

Have we reached a day and age where we truly can find fulfilment in our careers and in our hobbies and leisure activities, especially as women, WITHOUT the need to HAVE to have a security blanket of a partner?

 

What is it about having a partner that makes married people think they have it so good - surely single people can focus more on cultivating friendships?

 

Plus - what's more - if people settle for less than the big love, soul level, love of your LIFE type of chemistry and "feelings" - isn't waking up next to a partner who you lack the fire work, pretty much the same as having a constant friend by our side? Which we can all find new good friends if we try hard to be positive and attract like minded individuals as friends?

 

I also learnt:dating can be amazing fun. I had SUCH an amazing, exciting, hot and varied love life. When I met Mr fireworks, man of my dreams - I could safely say " as much as I love sex, I have really been around enough to know what a good deal is". I shagged lecturers, the guy next door, had wives call me wondering who I was (men can be such scumbag liars!), you name it, it has probably happened to me. I know all about being ghosted on, I have had men fall hard for me and not reciprocated, and fallen for unavailable men.

 

And I am ONLY 30, and feel like I hardly lived yet! For my years and inexperience still, I have to say that I ended up LOVING dating.

 

If you learn that basically people can ghost you ANY TIME, and to NOT GET ATTACHED and to SEPARATE the god damn "chemistry" crap from actual FEELINGS - then you are good to go! It is only people who allow themselves to pin too much hope too early on, have mental issues and cannot yet identify how they hold themselves back - that end up HATING dating.

 

I hated the fact I hated dating so I figured out why. Who was I. What did I most yearn for.

 

So for me personally, when I was single, I ended up feeling HAPPIER that way than in settling for a lacklustre partnership - although my ideal was to be madly in love with a lasting partner - who felt just as crazy about me as I did about him.

 

So I had my ideal yes, I admit it, but my need to be MARRIED and have a full time PARTNER and HAVE to get a mortgage and have kids - was next to 0 in and of itself.I was a tad jealous of big loves - that FEELING some rare, lucky couples have. The ones who still make out - the ones who had natural great chemistry and big love feelings coupled with amazing compatibility.

 

Only twice have I found relationships worth staying in where we BOTH were super into each other on EVERY level.

 

The times I settled for less than a guy who I had less than amazing chemistry and compatibility with - I was SO MUCH HAPPIER single than with Mr "good enough". So while my top pick was to find the love of my life - to have chemistry with MEANING - I was still happier with chemistry ONLY amazing flings, dating, and being SINGLE, than I was partnered up with a solid and decent partner with whom I felt no real connection with.

I think most women are like me - they would love to meet their soul mate and big love type of partner - but they are not SO KEEN to not be "single" that they wish to jump upon the first solid and reliable man that is into them, that walks their way.

This is very very true.

[BluEyeL]

Yeah, personally I hated being single. Also being miserably coupled.

 

Maybe the happily married people or people with kids who pressure the single childless ones to be like them do so because they feel the'd be miserable if they were childless or single (or remember being miserable while single). It's still inconsiderate to push your views on others. Not everyone is the same and feels the same.

 

I love being happily coupled though, nothing can beat that.

[Larryville]

One Google Article:

 

23 Ways Single People Are Better: The Scientific Evidence - A lot of research shows that single life is superior.

 

This FB post reminded me of a married woman of 20 years, kid out in college, said she is SO thankful for being married as she has quite a few single friends that she's heard dating horror stories from.

 

Seems these married people have it better than we do, the single people? Of course, they make it sound like that, right?

 

Yes because they want to tell themselves all is well... even when it is not.

 

I think about this from time to time. I honestly miss my ex (wife #2) we were a good married couple and it was mostly outside people/issues that screwed us up. I am a very monogamous dude I liked the general state of my marriage but even with that our marriage failed and when I ceased to work for my I got out for me AND for her.

 

However MOST people STAY for a bunch of screwed up reasons, but mostly out of fear, they don’t know any better, they have been programmed and conditioned to stay even when leaving is infinitely more logical.

 

I only know a few good married couples, my brother and his wife are amazing. However most married people I know are absolutely not happy, but the thing is has nothing to do with the institution, just mostly about humans being humans.

 

Next time you are out, anywhere look at how “couples” interact, do they look at each other, are they talking to one another, are they on their phones, are they close, body language mirroring, when walking is there distance between them, one walking slightly ahead.

 

Marriage except for the legality is so unnecessary, but people feel the need to engage in the pomp and ceremony to show their friends and family some temporary form of bliss and bling.

 

SO thankful for being married..

 

Yes the luck few who managed to find the right person and navigate the choppy waters. But better off? Absolutely not.

 

Towards the end, I couldn't wait to be single. And couldn't be single soon enough.

 

As good as my ex and my marriage was, I was ready to get out.

 

We all change in some form or another, it is said we change every 10 years and NOT always for the better. The inconsistency of the human mind frankly makes the state of marriage a risky endeavor.

 

Just Google:

“Marriage may be obsolete”

 

I think most women are like me - they would love to meet their soul mate and big love type of partner - but they are not SO KEEN to not be "single" that they wish to jump upon the first solid and reliable man that is into them, that walks their way.

 

Absolutely!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well you have to take what you see on tv and on FB with a grain of salt. Tv shows are not based on happy routine love relationships, they are based on drama, that's where the entertainment value is. And people exploding with happiness and the perfect life on FB are also tempered by the social pressures to outshine their contacts by proving their life is better than the rest.

 

No doubt dating is a bag of surprises, both bad and good.

 

What I find most peculiar is that people generally don't want to be single for fear of how horrible the whole dating process is, like we only have two modes as human beings: attached and desperately looking to get attached. No one talks about the pleasures of being alone, it's not half bad if you learn to enjoy being on your own.

 

I'm a firm believer that the more desperate we are to be with someone and to tick off the boxes stipulated by social norms that supposedly will give us validation of our "acceptance", the more frogs we'll have to kiss in the process. Being open of heart and mind and desperately wanting to have someone are two very different things.

[Leigh 87]

Yeah, personally I hated being single. Also being miserably coupled.

 

Maybe the happily married people or people with kids who pressure the single childless ones to be like them do so because they feel the'd be miserable if they were childless or single (or remember being miserable while single). It's still inconsiderate to push your views on others. Not everyone is the same and feels the same.

 

I love being happily coupled though, nothing can beat that.

 

 

 

Ahh. See, I love the FEELING it gives me. Not the actual ... logistics and practicalities of being coupled up.

 

Your posting history suggests that you simply love the companionship of a good, stable, reliable partner who you love to be around.

 

You enjoy the mechanisms of being in a relationship and felt lost without it, as a single woman (yet not enough so to settle).

 

Where as for me, I love how... giddy, excited, and also the very deep feeling that has grown out of the chemistry - I love how the relationship makes me FEEL - the intangibles - as opposed to strongly disliking being single and loving a relationship in an of itself.

 

It is interesting how we all differ!

[xxoo]

It's best to try not to envy anyone. Be happy with the life you have, or else create the life you want.

 

Of course I wouldn't rather be without my husband. Absurd. I'm happy keeping my arms and legs, too, tyvm.

 

But if I were single, or armless, or legless, I would likely be just as happy overall because I'm a happy person

[GoodOnPaper]

There's a facet or two I envy my single friends over, mostly the simplicity of their lives. Sometimes it seems like I spend half my time working out the logistics of where kids need to be, what they're going to do, who's going to help them, what I need to do as a result. Very little time is truly my own.

 

You said it. I hated being single because life was too empty - I was a broke grad student who was/is terrible at attracting women - and the ironically frustrating thing about married/family life is that it's too full, in a busy/hectic/exhausting way, to really enjoy as much as I'd like. It's not that I dislike being married, but I do regret not being patient enough with myself to progress on the personal development front when I was single - more than anything else, getting married felt like bailing out of a sinking ship. If I had had 1/10th of the hobbies and interests, not to mention the good things I have going on in my career, then that I do now, being single would have been a much more enjoyable experience.

[Toodaloo]

The grass is always greener...

 

Personally I like a good relationship more than being single but I like being single more than a bad relationship.

 

So until I find a good one I will stay single and enjoy ever second of it thanks.

 

The only time my life has felt "empty" is when I have been in a bad relationship.

[sunshine2]

I was married twice. My first was when I was young. It was short and painful. I was growing up and he wasn't, so it ended. I waited 6 years and dated a lot in between my first and second marriage. I thought I picked better the second time. It was good for awhile but then it went bad. We tried to work on it with counseling etc because of the kids. It ended after17 years of marriage.

 

Honestly, it makes me feel embarrassed to say I was married twice. Some people think that it means I have issues when it comes to marriage and or committment. But in reality, I didn't pick the right person. I am a very loyal and devoted partner, I don't cheat or play games. Even when things were bad, I would never step out on him.

 

I have experience being married and single and I still prefer to be in a relationship. I will probably not get married again, but would be fine living with my partner in a committed relationship. I also know that those sparks and the thrill don't last in a long term relationship and we have to be realistic and know that there is more then just that.

 

I sell mattresses for a living and I have seen the most amazing couples come in my store. You can tell the ones that connect with each other and most are not young and have been married for years. They are sweet and respectful to each other and they are happy. Yesterday a couple came in and they were in their 70's. Married for 35 years. They were so cute together and you could tell very happy. So it is possible to attain that. But that "spark" or "thrill" is not going to last in a relationship but that doesn't mean it won't last. Marriage and relationships are work. There not that fairytale that we see on TV or read about. The most important thing for me in a partner is respect, honestly, loyalty and affection.

 

That "thrill" of dating is part of what is wrong with the OLD world. There's always another person to meet and date and so if one thing goes wrong with a relationship, your off to the next. Its to easy to leave and find someone else and not work on what you have. I think we will see less and less people getting married. It's just a piece of paper and not really needed. The committment you have to each other is what counts.

 

So my vote is for a healthy loving relationship. I rather not be out there dating, even though that is where I am now.

Edited August 30, 2016 by sunshine2

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

The only time my life has felt "empty" is when I have been in a bad relationship.

 

Yessss!! This is so true

[BluEyeL]

I was instantly happier after my first marriage ended and I realize how much weight a bad relationship has on someone. Even looking at pictures from the last years of my first marriage it is clear how unhappy I was. I was even uglier, I swear, although much younger than I am now. I swear stress makes people uglier.

 

I didn't date for a few years and felt pretty happy. I wasn't as happy once I started dating. It was really stressful and didn't enjoy it one bit.

 

Having gone through all the versions, the happiest of times are those when I am happily coupled. Don't enjoy single and seeking. Of course the worst of all is a bad marriage or relationship.

 

It would be 8 years between the divorce and my second marriage. Hope to last forever because now I know what happiness really is. Now I know that marriage is not for you, is for the other person. And choosing well is so critical because only that way you can keep giving the way you should give in a good marriage.

 

It's complicated and difficult to achieve a happy relationship . Sometimes single and not seeking is most comfortable. There are definitely advantages to it.

[Gaeta]

Married people would not want to get back to single-hood because it's too much effort. They'd have to get off their big behind and shed those extra pounds, they'd have to find something interesting to talk about, they'd have to take risks of being rejected, they've have to fall and back up several times...and that is just too much for them after years sitting on the couch watching tv in their track suits.

 

When I was single I had too much fun to have a boring moment.

 

Now I love being in a relationship with my BF but there are times I get home at 18h and miss the days I didn't have to cook dinner and could just run off without explaining my whereabouts. I also miss my friends and our daily contacts now that we're all busy playing house.

[xxoo]

Married people would not want to get back to single-hood because it's too much effort. They'd have to get off their big behind and shed those extra pounds, they'd have to find something interesting to talk about, they'd have to take risks of being rejected, they've have to fall and back up several times...and that is just too much for them after years sitting on the couch watching tv in their track suits.

 

 

Is that what marriage was like for you? It's not like that at all for me.

[GorillaTheater]

Is that what marriage was like for you? It's not like that at all for me.

 

 

And we have very svelte behinds, thank you very much.