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August 30, 2016

So things fell apart with OM. I'm the MW and he's unattached.

It was a short affair but very intense. I feel that we have really bonded. I care about him a great deal and even thought I might love him. From what he said or did I thought he felt the same way. In fact I thought he was the more interested one.

I feel so sad. I have been in denial that he would come back to me. I have been in NC for a few weeks now. NC was broken once by him but now back to NC. I just don't understand how everything can be so perfect one day and the next day it was all gone. How can someone just pull away this easily and completely. Okay I don't know if it's easy for him but the completely part is true.

The worst part of it all is that I have no idea why or what cause the end. I have about 3 or 4 explanations that are equal possibilities in my mind. I have no way of knowing. If I ask him he probably won't tell me the truth. Plus I'm in NC so I'm not going to ask him. So everyday I flip flop the theory of what broke us up in my head. One day I think he really cared about me and it's the guilt of the affair that made him leave. The next day I think he never really cared about me that much and he lost interest. Even the next day I think it's due to something I said that might have really upset him so he's angry at me now.

It's a complete torture when you don't even know why it ended. In fact, neither of us even said we are ending it. We just stopped being in contact. I don't even know if I'm considered the "dumper" or he is. We just started mutual NC without any announcement. How's that for lack of closure LOL - I can only guess that it's over from the lack of contact but I have no conclusion what led to it.

All in all I believe it's the right thing to do - to stop the affair and cease contact. However, if I just look at the affair as a stand alone relationship, the ending is traumatic, ambiguous, and not healthy at all.

Now I am trying to move on. It's hard when you were not even being told or said out loud that it's over. A part of you is always questioning - is this just a break or a break up? What is really going on or going through his mind? It's like a crazy murder mystery that I cannot solve.

What do I do? Do I need to get some answers from him in order to move on? Or is continuing with NC the way to go? He was so cold the distant when we spoke during the NC break even though he initiated the contact. I am too scared to even ask him anything for fear of being brushed off again. If I maintain NC, at least I will have some of my dignity in tact. However, I won't get any answers to anything. That is slowing down my moving on.

For those who had similar experiences, is this stage 3 - destabalization stage? Or is this stage 4 - resolution? This is all too confusing and painful to deal with. I was doing better during early NC. Things got a lot worse for me after the break in NC due to how distant he seemed. Help!!!

Edited August 30, 2016 by TwilightSpark

August 30, 2016

So things fell apart with OM. I'm the MW and he's unattached.

It was a short affair but very intense. I feel that we have really bonded. I care about him a great deal and even thought I might love him. From what he said or did I thought he felt the same way. In fact I thought he was the more interested one.

I feel so sad. I have been in denial that he would come back to me. I have been in NC for a few weeks now. NC was broken once by him but now back to NC. I just don't understand how can everything be so perfect one day and the next day it was all gone. How can someone just pull away this easily and completely. Okay I don't know if it's easy for him but the completely part is true.

The worst part of it all is that I have no idea why and what happened to cause the end. I have about 3 or 4 explanations that may all be possibilities. I have no way of knowing. If I ask him he probably won't tell me the truth. So everyday I flip flop. One day I think he really cared about me and it's the guilt of the affair that made him want to leave. The next day I think he never really cared about me as much as I did. So he lost interest. The next day I think it's because of something I said that upset him so he's angry at me.

It's a complete torture when you don't even know why it ended. In fact, neither of us even said we are ending it. We just stopped being in contact. I don't even know if I'm considered the "dumper" or he is. We just started mutual NC without announcement. How's that for lack of closure LOL - You can only guess that it's over from the lack of contact and you have no clue what led to it.

All in all I believe it's the right thing to do - to stop the affair and cease contact. However, if I just look at the affair as a stand alone relationship, the ending is traumatic, ambiguous, and not the healthiest way.

So now I am trying to move on. It's hard when you were not even told or said out loud that it's over. A part of you is always questioning yourself - is this just a break or a break up? What is really going through his mind? It's like a crazy murder mystery that I cannot solve.

What do I do? Do I need to get some answers from him in order to move on? Or is continuing with NC the way to go? He was so cold the distant when we spoke during the NC break even though he initiated the contact. I am too scared to even ask him anything for fear of being brushed off again. If I maintain NC, at least I will have some of my dignity in tact. However, I won't get any answers to anything. That is slowing down my moving on.

Is this like stage 3 - destabalization stage anyone? Or are we in stage 4 - resolution? This is all too confusing.

I have to say that it's sad that your husband doesn't even seem to be a consideration in your musing here. If you're going to pretend you're single, does your husband deserve the right to know this and live his life accordingly? Maybe he's an a-hole. I don't know. But perhaps he deserves not to be fooled into staying married while you play single.

But that wasn't your question. Sigh.

As for the OM, my "gut" (which has no foundation other than experience reading here for a long while) says that a relationship with you was just too much of a hassle. Emotionally, you're going to want to believe that he valued you as much as you valued him, but I think you have to acknowledge that that just isn't the case. You valued him more than he valued you. Doesn't sound like a prince or a prize in any case. If he's down with betraying some woman's husband, is he really "all that?"

August 30, 2016

No answers. Just ((hugs)). Try to keep your mind occupied with other things - that's the only advice I can offer.

August 30, 2016

In fact I thought he was the more interested one.

He probably was - until he got what he wanted. Pretty simple concept...

Mr. Lucky

August 30, 2016

Do you want to stay married? I am a ow trying to end my a with a mm and that's because it isn't going anywhere. He won't leave. I love him so much but he doesn't have anything to offer me. Could it be your om feels the same? Would you leave for him? If not and you have nothing to offer your om then the only thing you can do is let him go and work on your marriage

If you really care about your om let him heal and move on and find someone that can offer him everything you can't

August 30, 2016

I really don't have the answer to your question but I did a similar thing to xMM.

We had an 8 year affair. After probably one of the happiest times we ever had, I sent him an email saying it was over.

On my part, it was a feeling of being exhausted by the secrecy, hiding and lying.

I simply didn't want to do it any longer. I was extremely attached to him and loved him a great deal.

He will be questioning what happened as well. I have been NC for 18 weeks now and no plans to ever go back to that situation.

An A is not like a normal relationship . There is often no time or desire for discussion or reconciliation. I could easily have been you who ended it and left him without closure.

Kind Regards,

Poppy.

August 30, 2016

Twilight,

Well I have to agree with Betrayed about your husband.

But since I am both (BS and WS) I can tell you what is going on. But I am going to be blunt.

He Dumped you. You guys had an a great little affair and some great sex (I hope at least) and he is over it. It is always intense these flings and for a single guy married women are usually so starved for romantic attention. And for some guys it is less risky about long term stuff because the wife will not leave the comfort of the marriage.

And understand this, this guy never for a second loved you, he loved screwing you. It really is that simple.

I know that you are hurting and that you felt like you may love him but none of it is real because you are having an affair.

Is this your first affair in your marriage? Have you ever been caught? What about your husband?

Why not get divorced and really see other people. In the single world you will get stung as well but you won't take the chance of hurting other people.

In all honesty, this is not the way to go about things. This kind of stuff blows up all the time.

Tell us more about what is going on in your life. You know affairs are kind of a dangerous way of getting laid and getting your needs for romance met.

Tell us more...

August 30, 2016

OM will say and do whatever they can to get a WW to betray her BH.

Once the sample was ample enough the OM then dumps the AP to start again with another MW willing to become a WW.

August 30, 2016

Well OP, I'm not gonnna get your a bad person because you betrayed him mantra...that's already covered well here....so here it is....rude but most likely true.

He found better booty with less baggage. End of story.

August 30, 2016

1. I'm sorry you are hurting.

2. It's your fault.

I find it odd that you don't mention your H or how he feels - how you feel about him - or how you feel about your marriage.

I really don't think you will find a lot of sympathy in this part of the forum. You are pining over an affair partner to people who have been hurt by infidelity. What response did you think you would get here?

August 30, 2016

Did you plan on this being an 'Exit Affair'? An easier way to leave your husband without being alone? Do you have children?

Are you miserable in your marriage but feel that you can't divorce for some reason?

August 30, 2016

I have to say that it's sad that your husband doesn't even seem to be a consideration in your musing here. If you're going to pretend you're single, does your husband deserve the right to know this and live his life accordingly? Maybe he's an a-hole. I don't know. But perhaps he deserves not to be fooled into staying married while you play single.

No mention of your husband. Guess he does not count, only you do.

How about you might have just gotten used for some quick hot sex. Happens all the time.

August 30, 2016

No-one really knows why he left apart from him.

It seems to me that APs tend to set such store on affairs that probably isn't justified. Affairs are just like other relationships, there is no guarantee that they will last and people leave for basically the same reasons they do in other relationships.

No matter how great a relationship it may seem to the dumpee, the dumper feels it is not working for him/her so he/she decides to break it up.

Here it was not working for him, it may because you are married, maybe not, who knows?

Whatever the reasons, the reality is the same unfortunately.

Watch this - it may help you.

August 30, 2016

I was a serial OM in my upper 20s so let me give you a little perspective from the single OM perspective.

MW are the perfect FB/FWB. As mentioned above they are usually starved for romance/sexuality and they have all their other needs met at home so all the affair is usually about is hot, monkey sex.

And yes it is intense and it is passionate and uninhibited.

MW will do things with their OW that they would never do with their H and the OM will do things that they would never do with a date or a GF or their own W if they married.

The OM doesn't have to wine and dine a MW or go for moonlight walks on the beach. He does have to rub her feet or bring her medicine in the middle of the night when she's sick. He doesn't have to impress or be accepted by her freinds and family. He doesn't have to change the oil in her car or unclog her toilet. He doesn't have to change the diapers of her kids or pick them up from daycare.

Her husband is stuck with all those things. All he has to do is stroke her ego and give her orgasms.

And in return she gives him hot monkey sex and swallows.

But that hot, porn sex and the fire and intensity only last so long. And its only so long before she wants a footrub and talk about her problems at the end of the day.

Eventually it's not hot and fun all the time.

That's when he realizes she is just another cheating wife and not relationship material for him.

The moment he realizes what a train wreck she will be if she does divorce and is now a single mom looking for someone else to help change diapers and pick up kids from daycare to take them to the doctor because their puking and pooping nonstop, he wants nothing to do with her.

He was in it for NSA hot porn sex and nothing more. Once that thrill has worn off or once she starts wanting him to unclog the toilet, he disappears in a cloud of dust going over the horizon.

You entered the A for some extra fun and some extra schlong.

He was in it for some quick and easy NSA poon.

You each got what you bargained for and what gave all that you offered.

So why are you upset here?????

August 30, 2016

As always - the blunt and difficult to read truth from OldShirt.

August 30, 2016

Wow here I was thinking I was the most cynical person on the planet and along comes shirt to prove me wrong, LOL.

Of course he is completely right, as usual. But the wording is making me LMAO...

Thanks for that, I kind of needed a good laugh.

Twilight, none of this is meant do make light of your issues. I realize that you are hurting so much. If it makes you feel better I just found out that one of my OW's (Yes the last one, because I am reformed) literally lost her mind, freaked out, and got involved with some type of online predator that literally took every penny that she had. Boy, do I feel responsible for that!!!

Twilight, I do hope that you answer some of the questions that everyone has asked.

And please keep posting so that we know how you are doing.

August 31, 2016

[]

I actually really appreciate the comments received in this thread. It gave me the perspective that I have no been getting from my H. Regarding why I haven't brought up my H's feelings:

OM and I never had sex and nothing physical happened. So my husband tells me that he considers OM and me to be just friends despite me telling him most of the stuff that happened between OM and I (phone calls, texts, meet ups). I ask my H if he lost trust in me or feels betrayed after I tell him about OM. He tells me no - he does not feel betrayed and just trust me a little less but not much.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. It's like I'm trying so hard to convince and communicate to H that I'm having an emotional affair so we can work through it. But H is the one who keeps telling me I'm not and he doesnt seem to mind.

That's why the replies in this thread had been so helpful. It reminded me what I am doing is wrong and will hurt people. I have lost that perspective due to H's opinion. Your comments help me to build up motivation to quit. On my own I have not been feeling that way so strongly because H seems to be always minimizing the affair.

The reason I tell my H is so we can work together to stop it or prevent it from going further. However, every time I talk to H about this I walk away with the feeling that I'm imagining the affair in my head and it's just a friendship. I sometimes wonder if this is pushing me towards the affair or if I'm having the affair out of resentment for H not giving a damn.

Anyone have experience the BH feels and behaves this way? Why is it? It's really not helping the situation. If I don't feel bad for what I do, I can't get the motivation to quit.

Edited August 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged

August 31, 2016

I can't really speak to your H's thoughts much, except to say that with men it's typically the physical part of an affair that is the most threatening and hurtful. It strikes at our manhood. Betrayed women are (often) more dismayed by an emotional affair. Of course, there are exceptions to both scenarios. But I think it may not be totally uncommon for a man to be dismissive of an emotional affair. If you're not being physical with another man, he may feel that you're still "his."

I think men may really underestimate the "feelings" that women have when engaging in an affair. It's sometimes said that women give up the sex in order to gain the emotional connection. Others here may express it better than I.

If I had a piece of advice for you, it would be to read, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's like the bible on infidelity. And it discusses the threat of emotional connections being made with others when an emotional connection may be at its weakest in the marriage. Hell, that happens in just about any marriage, right? It's a natural part of a cycle. You gotta realize that vulnerability and find ways to get through it until you can get back to a peak.

Anyway, that's my $.02 for the time being. Welcome to LS. I hope this place is helpful. Kudos to you for being instrospective and seeking some counsel.

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