My wife walked out on me, Looking for strength

[John03]

Focus on the family is Christian agenda group that is heavily biased towards keeping couples married even though there may be horrible abuses or maltreatment taking place.

 

The practices and so called therapies used by FOTF are not evidence-based nor rooted in actual western science or practical application. They are not real counselors or therapists with the best interests of the clients in mind. They are faith-based preachers and church advocates with a religious bias.

Thanks for the info oldshirt.....Well I said I would update everyone so here it GOES....

 

We went to counseling today and I got some closer on why she left the marriage. She said she didn't want to be married anymore and missed her "space" both physically and mentally. She didn't want to work on the marriage because she knows that's not what she wants in her life right now. She said she just thought that since we had been together for so long that marriage was just the next step but didn't comprehend what that entails. She said once we got married she hasn't been happy and it's not because of anything I did or didn't do. She also said she really hadn't thought about the expectations of marriage and what kind of life she wanted. Basically she is very confused about what she wants to do with her life and where she wants to go but she knows she doesn't want a married life. I didn't bother to ask her about if she loved me or if she was attracted to me anymore, I figured if she is this confused about her own life then her feelings for me are confused as well.

 

She didn't bad mouth me in the therapy session and stated she wanted to make sure we split everything 50/50 and she is not trying to ruin my life. She said I was a good person and she is sorry she hurt me.

 

She wanted to keep communication open and asked if we would could text. The therapist told her that she has to let me go, she said how can you expect to have some kind of relationship with him when he is trying to heal. We agreed to only talk about legal stuff, moving things from the apartment and any other divorce related topics.

 

After the therapy session we went back to the apartment she took our dog with her (I don't want the dog so I'm fine with it), said she loved me, gave me a kiss on the check and said maybe one day we can text if I'm ok with that and then she left. I guess that's where the story ends.

 

Part of me loves her and I guess always will, we had been through a lot together but sometimes things just don't work out the way you plan. A part of me hopes that we can be together in the future, just maybe if the stars align but I know that can't happen. How can I let someone like that in my life again, she could hurt me again and that would be awful. But apart of me wishes that maybe it could be so and we could build that life together I always wanted.

 

BUT I KNOW I have to take care of myself now and not wait on her, I have to go on with my life and can't wait for her to fix her issues or figure out what she wants. I have to take it one day at a time and mourn the loss of the relationship, I know time will heal this wound.

 

But back to what oldshirt said earlier.......I think she just has some deep-seated issues, and I have known this for a while. As I said she is from a religious family and her family dynamic is not what you would call ideal at times. I think this is why she left the marriage so quick, she didn't really understand the concept of building a life with someone. That's how I view marriage and what I learned from my parents. The way her parents got together wasn't ideal and I think that kind of shaped her view on relationships. She has been sheltered most of her life and now is realizing she doesn't know what she wants anymore. I don't think she has ever grown up or become her own person. We have spent so many years together I think I was just focused on making her happy and she wasn't focused on doing it herself. Now she is realizing that she doesn't know who she is or what she wants anymore and I hope one day she can find it.

 

Also I asked her if there was some one else and she said no, she said she would never do that to. I believe her, she doesn't drink, like to party or go out very much. Most of her social activities revolve around church functions (which I attend), she also works, and we did spend alot of time together. I would be impressed if she actually was talking to someone because she mostly is a homebody type of person who likes to watch netflix for hours at a time. Talking to someone else would actually require her to take time away from something else and be proactive about it and I really can't see her doing that.

 

Well I guess this is it......now on to the next chapter of my life. We had a short marriage and a short breakup, now it's just getting all the details worked out. Thank you all for the help and please if you want to comment on this go ahead. I guess what I'm feeling now is that divorce isn't the end of the world, it's just a new chapter in your life and life goes on so you don't want to get left behind!

 

Be positive and strong!

Edited August 31, 2016 by John03

[LancasterAmos1966]

John03, you have a great attitude about this!! "Be positive and strong" sure are terrific goals to aim for every day.

 

Wishing you well.

[Bufo]

Split everything 50-50? Fine if you came into his very brief M with equal assets and debts and haven't accumulated much. If she had more $ than you coming into M she's being generous. If you had more she's being greedy.

 

Don't agree to 50% until you've thought the through. Your goal should be status quo ante less paying off jointly incurred debts.

[lolablue17]

OP, just remember - If someone ends it after 7 months of marriage, It's all about her (Unless in extreme cases like violence or something). It's not about you at all, no matter how un prefect you've been.

 

She made her vows only 7 months ago, and now she had decided to throw everything to the garbage. It's an extreme case of selfishness\immaturity\mental disorder. Don't let it to hurt your confidence. Again - It's not about you at all!

[Cephalopod]

There's another man.

 

You won't find out until a few months down the road after the divorce agreement if filed, when all of a sudden her "new" boyfriend is introduced to mom and dad and family.

 

Do some digging.

[LancasterAmos1966]

There's another man.

 

You won't find out until a few months down the road after the divorce agreement if filed, when all of a sudden her "new" boyfriend is introduced to mom and dad and family.

 

Do some digging.

 

You are probably correct Cephalopod.

 

And if per chance there isn't another person in the mix, I'd say she won't stay alone for too long.

 

If John03 lovingly lets go, it won't matter if she currently has another man or gets one tomorrow.

[Jeff1690]

You are probably correct Cephalopod.

 

And if per chance there isn't another person in the mix, I'd say she won't stay alone for too long.

 

If John03 lovingly lets go, it won't matter if she currently has another man or gets one tomorrow.

 

Lancaster you are just to good of a man. Do love your advice though and take what you say seriously.

[John03]

You are probably correct Cephalopod.

 

And if per chance there isn't another person in the mix, I'd say she won't stay alone for too long.

 

If John03 lovingly lets go, it won't matter if she currently has another man or gets one tomorrow.

Yeah it doesn't matter if she has a man or not, the fact is she left and doesn't want to come back.

 

That's why I need to work on letting go and moving on, once that happens it won't mater anymore.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Lancaster you are just to good of a man. Do love your advice though and take what you say seriously.

 

Thanks Jeff.

 

Don't know if you got any helpful tips from that Uncoupling book.....another book you might want to check out sometime is Finding Closure After Divorce by Michael Eads. A divorce story from a mans viewpoint. Even if you don't buy the book, there are usually a few comments that are good to read.

[Rose58]

Just a few days ago my wife of just 7 months uttered the words I never thought I'd hear "I don't want to be married anymore". At first I thought it was a joke or she was just upset about something but sadly it wasn't. From there everything just went downhill. The next day she took all her stuff and moved back to her parents.

 

I was completely shocked, we have been together for 7 years and only married 7 months. She said that I loved her more than she loved me and that she was feeling like our connection was gone. But the main thing was that she didn't want to be married anymore. The thing that hurts the most is how she left. I understand if you don't love me anymore or can't handle married life but the fact that she left so abruptly and checked herself out of the relationship really stings. It shows me she had been thinking about this for awhile and didn't want to solve the problems. We had been to pre-marital counseling before and I felt we knew that marriage entailed work. I thought if we did have problems she would be more willing to mention counseling early on because it was such a good method for working on our relationship before.

 

As of now I don't know what I want to happen anymore. Part of me wants to get back together with her and the other half wants to leave and start a new life. I'm only 31 and we didn't have any kids, no house and limited assets. If it does end then it would be easy and not complicated. We have agreed to go to counseling to discuss the issues but I think its really just to talk to someone as we discuss in detail a little more of why she is leaving. She seems pretty set on going (obviously if she moved all her stuff and didn't tell me) and I don't suspect it will make her move back home. And in all honesty I really don't know if I want her back anymore, she did this to me once when we were dating and I bent over backwards to change and keep her. Now this happens and it makes me think do I really want to be with someone like this.

 

Anyways is anyone going through the same or have any insight?? I'd love to hear, its nice to know that there are people out there who have been in the same boat as me.

 

I can offer more details about what she said and the past.

 

Just gotta keep being positive and strong!!!

 

 

 

 

I'm very sorry for what your going through. I have been there on the opposite end. You guys have been together over seven and a half years. You have way too much to just walk away from. I wonder if she may be dealing with depression? A good therapist could really help here. I would consider going to a therapist by yourself first. True love fights for each other. She needs you. I would do what it takes to get the help you guys need. It will be well worth it. Two things can happen. The first being that you two become a wild success story and inspire others to not give up when the going gets tough. Or you may go to amazing lengths to do all there is to do and she may still not respond positively. But you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave it your all. Giving up becomes a habit that is hard to break. You will become a stronger person by not giving up even if it seems like she has. Looks are deceiving. I believe you guys have what it takes to see this thing through. I wish you two the best. Here's a number that has been helpful to me in the past. It's a Focus on the Family number. They offer some free counseling over the phone. 1-800-A-FAMILY They are available Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

[Jeff1690]

Thanks Jeff.

 

Don't know if you got any helpful tips from that Uncoupling book.....another book you might want to check out sometime is Finding Closure After Divorce by Michael Eads. A divorce story from a mans viewpoint. Even if you don't buy the book, there are usually a few comments that are good to read.

 

LancasterAmos, I am halfway through. Had a bunch of stuff to do today. Some of the examples and reasons given for the initiator to walk away from the partner have given a new perspective on the past couple of years. Really amazing how we who know our SO so well fail to communicate our true inner feelings. I will check out the other book as well. I am glad you suggested Uncoupling and to all reading this thread....get it.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Hi Rose58,

Thank you for joining in and offering your opinions. You have very good thoughts.

 

I'm not here to act like a know-it-all, I'm not here to offend, and I'm not here to begin any arguments. You are entitled to your opinion, and I respect that.

 

But I'd like to give my opinion on what you wrote.

 

Just so you know, I will never file divorce, sign divorce papers or date/court or remarry until death do us part. That means even if my wife files divorce, I will remain single-but-married. And as of this writing, I've been single-but-married, basically since November 2009.

 

I've lurked this board for probably 6 years, but just joined a few weeks ago because I felt that I had 1 or 2 cents to offer.

 

QUOTE=Rose58

You have way too much to just walk away

John03 is not doing the walking. According to his story, it's his wife that is doing the walking. Too bad she isn't hurting, or she would have an account on here, and we could share this advice with her.

 

I wonder if she may be dealing with depression?

Maybe, maybe not. It's probably just another sin in the life of a sinner. What do sinners do? They sin. It shows up in bank robberies, murder, lying, stealing, and spouses lying about their marriage vow.

 

A good therapist could really help here.

I'd a say a good preacher good help. His wife needs to take lying seriously, and if she feared God, she'd turn from her sinful ways.

 

 

I would consider going to a therapist by yourself first.

If it helps him to move on, then I agree, he should go to one. But please remember, he did not create this marriage crisis. His wife did. So I don't think it's fair that he is the one that must fix it.

 

True love fights for each other.

Did they fight to get together?? Then if that is the way they started out, then by all means continue to fight, fight, fight to stay together.

 

I married my wife with a simple question, and she said Yes. I suspect John03 did the same.

 

No, true love does not fight to keep each other.

 

True love simply loves the other spouse --- and if one person wants to be set free, then true love sets that person free.

 

 

She needs you.

I disagree. I actually thought the same thing. My wife and I were married 20+ years, with 6 kids. She has now lived without me and them, for nearly 4 years. She is doing fine, and has even found an "eternal-security" church that claims she will never lose her salvation so she can lie about her marriage Vow and still be Ok with God, she found a nice little apartment, and also found a few boyfriends along the way.

 

I think John03's wife will do fine without him. She won't do fine on Judgment Day, but that topic has nothing to do with this discussion.

 

 

I would do what it takes to get the help you guys need.

And that is noble. Your husband should be proud of you. No doubt you are a faithful, loyal, godly "Ruth" --- and I applaud you for being a woman of integrity.

 

I was faithful, loving and godly, but I still lost my wife. And so, I needed to move on, NOT stay stuck by looking for rainbows and Covenant Trucks.

 

Marriage is important, but won't even carrying over into Heaven. Our earthly marriage ends upon death --- so I have chosen to not make marriage an idol that has me going stir crazy and unable to function all because my wife dumped me.

 

Of course it hurt when she left, and being forced into a celibate life was not my first choice but God is my Boss. Even when not convenient, I'll still obey the Bible.

 

Paul stopped praying about his "thorn in the flesh" after 3 times. Paul did not pester God for the next 100 years to get rid of the issue --- and I'm not going to pester God to have my wife return.

 

 

Giving up becomes a habit that is hard to break.

Again, his wife needs this information, not John03.

 

 

 

It's a Focus on the Family number.

I hope he calls, and I hope they send him Doctor Dobsons book Love Must Be Tough.

 

Dr. Dobson talks about opening the cage door of marriage, and setting your spouse free if that is what they out. He also talks about a wife named Linda:

 

....."she has suffered untold agonies over Paul's blatant infidelity and rejection, being wounded almost to the point of death. Indeed, suicide has undoubtedly been her option many times in the early hours of the morning or on a lonely afternoon.

 

But then a quiet transformation begins to occur. Let's suppose Linda stumbles across the principles of loving toughness and gradually learns to set her husband free. She realizes for the first time that the guilt she feels is not entirely valid, and the dynamics of their conflict come into clearer focus.

 

Her self-esteem slowly returns, and the long bleak winter starts to thaw."

 

That is what I desire for John03. For him to set his wife free in a loving way, and then go on to fully recover from losing his Beloved Bride.

[LancasterAmos1966]

LancasterAmos, I am halfway through. Had a bunch of stuff to do today. Some of the examples and reasons given for the initiator to walk away from the partner have given a new perspective on the past couple of years. Really amazing how we who know our SO so well fail to communicate our true inner feelings. I will check out the other book as well. I am glad you suggested Uncoupling and to all reading this thread....get it.

 

That's great!! Out of the dozens of books I bought, the Uncoupling and the Michael Eads books are the two books that were very helpful to me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yeah it doesn't matter if she has a man or not, the fact is she left and doesn't want to come back.

 

That's why I need to work on letting go and moving on, once that happens it won't matter anymore.

 

A healthy attitude. Don't think you need the "why" if the end result of the "what" is her leaving the marriage.

 

John, do you play sports? In a similar situation when my marriage dissolved, I joined every softball, volleyball and tennis team that would have me on the days I wasn't with my son. It was a great way to make friends, meet women and stay busy. Give it some thought...

 

Mr. Lucky

[John03]

A healthy attitude. Don't think you need the "why" if the end result of the "what" is her leaving the marriage.

 

John, do you play sports? In a similar situation when my marriage dissolved, I joined every softball, volleyball and tennis team that would have me on the days I wasn't with my son. It was a great way to make friends, meet women and stay busy. Give it some thought...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yeah I'm going to start working out with friends and I was thinking of taking a boxing class or some type of martial arts. But I'll look into the sports leagues too. Thanks!

[dusk86]

If your marriage is over, I agree that keeping yourself busy and surround yourself with the right support is A+

 

From what I've been reading your wife (ex-wife soon) is no good for you. If she truly loved you she would have fought to make the marriage work. But you seem to be able to keep a positive attitude and I wish you nothing but a great new life, a fantastic new John and a healthy new man!

 

It will take some time to move on, but day by day you will find the strength to forgive her and move on. But of course, don't forget her actions

 

Take care!