sanne Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 I'm a little embarrased to admit I have let things get this far. I've had opportunity after opportunity to cut my ex out of my life, but I just can't seem to do it. And I'm paying the price for it each day in which I inflict new emotional damage upon myself. I've come to find that I really miss the physical closeness of being with someone more than anything else, and I've almost let myself be consumed by this desire. I won't explain the gritty details of what has been going on, but looking back on everything I am extremely disappointed with myself. I just feel so lost right now, I need to regain my direction again and build myself back up. I feel like I have let this woman take me apart, brick by brick. I'm just a shell of the person who I thought I was, I am bitter, angry, resentful, and hateful. I've said things that I would never have imagined saying and been such a cruel and vindictive person. Sometimes I think my vengeance and malice towards my ex is what drives me to keep in contact with her. Almost as if I'm trying to exact revenge for things she has done to me in the past. I know that my behavior is unhealthy and I need to find a way to stop myself. I keep imagining that I'll be able to say goodbye the way I want to, but it never seems to turn out that way. I want to break apart without the hurt and the pain, but I'm finding it's going to be impossible to do that. I will have to suffer like everyone else and go through with this. I have hope knowing that this girl was never the right person for me. She was a liar, a cheater, and a dishonest person. Not someone I would want to raise kids with. I know deep down that I deserve so much better, and that provides me solace for now.
Zaira Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 You're just working through your emotions. Time does that. Sounds to me like you're doing fine getting over her. Just make more time to do things you enjoy, rather than thinking about her. If anything, you're lonely for compassionship, not lonely because you don't have her.
ButtonPusher Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 You are making things twice as hard for yourself. You' re trying to deal with breaking up as well as dealing with the guilt of having said some things you regret. Let it all go and leave her to deal with her own problems. You can't take back what you've done and you won't ever get her back, but you don't need to punish yourself for these things. Everyone says and does things out of anger at times, so dont feel bad about it. It's a quality that is found in everyone unless of course your perfect, but then who is.
Jeannie Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Breaking up and ending a relationship is easy - letting go and moving on is the hardest part. Everyone on here is going thru exactly what you're going thru. Just know you're not alone and almost everyone has ended a relationship with the same feelings you have. You gotta realize being alone for a while ain't so bad. Give yourself a chance - don't spend your life holding on to something that isn't going to work and isn't healthy. All of us who keep "holding on" to these bad relationships are just wasting time. We're stuck with these ex's who are not right for us and wasting time meeting new people. It's a bad habit - you've got to force yourself to break it - just like any other addiction it's gonna take guts and alot of discipline to move on but we're all here in the same boat as you my friend - trying to get over someone who's done us wrong. We're all sad, pissed, bitter, resentful, lonely............ but it won't last forever. This too shall pass......
Author sanne Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 i'm just so disappointed with myself. i consider myself to be a highly disciplined and strong willed person, but this relationship shattered that image I held of myself. For whatever reasons, I just have so much trouble pulling away from my ex. I mean I know she's not good for me, I know she's never going to change, and yet I just cannot let go. I keep telling myself that things are going to be different, but they never are and they never will be. thanks for your replies guys, i feel a lot better now. it's funny i've been visiting this site for quite some time, and yet here I am posting with the exact same problems. Now I know what needs to be done. I actually look forward to being by myself. All I want to do for this next month or so is go to work, go to the gym, and go home and sleep. No relationships or any kind of drama of the sort for me.
dresden Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Sanne, you have a good plan- no contact, concentrating on living your life in an evenly balanced way. Be strong.
Merin Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by sanne i'm just so disappointed with myself. i consider myself to be a highly disciplined and strong willed person, but this relationship shattered that image I held of myself. For whatever reasons, I just have so much trouble pulling away from my ex. I mean I know she's not good for me, I know she's never going to change, and yet I just cannot let go. I keep telling myself that things are going to be different, but they never are and they never will be. thanks for your replies guys, i feel a lot better now. it's funny i've been visiting this site for quite some time, and yet here I am posting with the exact same problems. Now I know what needs to be done. I actually look forward to being by myself. All I want to do for this next month or so is go to work, go to the gym, and go home and sleep. No relationships or any kind of drama of the sort for me. Some steps we take forward and some steps we fall back... Disappointment is all okay, it's forgiveness of YOURSELF thats needed.. It's okay and not unusual to have those moments when you're doing or saying things that you cannot believe of yourself when something that had been important to you ends.. you feel disillusioned and uncertain, question everything that was said or done between the 2 of you... It isn't that you can't let go Sanne, it's that right now you're not ready too... one of those steps back and again, thats okay... just don't stay there for long... get up and keep walking you know? When you're ready, really ready to let go, you will... there will come a time when it really doesn't matter any longer what she did or didn't do... what she said or didn't say.. hard to believe, but true. Hang in there
Author sanne Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 this time I know things will be different. before deep down I always knew that we would end up back together at some point and clinging on to that hope kept me going. now, I realize that I have to let go of that hope completely. today was probably the last time I'll see her for a longtime, possibly forever. i wanted to make sure there wasn't any unfinished business left lying around, so I agreed to accept the birthday presents she got me and I returned a lot of her stuff back to her that she had left at the apartment. it's funny she left me a message in the morning and sounded bright and cheery. when she called me back to tell me she was coming i was very short and terse with her. when she comes over she pretends like she doesn't give a crap, of course i'm doing the same thing, and neither of us even say goodbye. i feel kinda bad, i think she may have been turning around to wave goodbye but i just shut the door on her ass as soon as she was out the door. one thing I know for sure is that I don't ever want to let her see me weak or to know my emotions ever again. in fact, if i could i want to remain a complete mystery to her.
Author sanne Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 Ok it's 11 PM and she just sent me a txt message saying: "I just want to say thanks for the candy and for giving me my stuff back. I'm truly sorry for being such a horrific bitch." My intial reaction was to send her a reply saying that it's ok and that we are both human, but I'm not sure if I should even reply at all. I don't wanna come across like a dick by not responding, but i'm not sure if it will be interpreted that way. what do you think I should do?
broken guy Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 How about this "Live with it and see your reflection in the mirror of the person you are"! I didnt do this but my friend did and said it mae him feel a HELL of a lot better..
Devildog Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by sanne Ok it's 11 PM and she just sent me a txt message saying: "I just want to say thanks for the candy and for giving me my stuff back. I'm truly sorry for being such a horrific bitch." My intial reaction was to send her a reply saying that it's ok and that we are both human, but I'm not sure if I should even reply at all. I don't wanna come across like a dick by not responding, but i'm not sure if it will be interpreted that way. what do you think I should do? If you really need to reply, I would reply "You are welcome, and forgiven." She is fishing for you to tell her she isn't a "horrific bitch". Don't give her the satisfaction. Let her know she is/was horrible.
Author sanne Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 haha believe me I have already let her know how horrible a person she is. that is part of the reason why we both fought so much, i kept criticizing her and she was doing nothing to change. even when i wasn't on her case, she was still behaving the same, so I really have no reason to believe she will ever change. but yea she is looking for an ego boost, one which i won't give her. the only disappointment I have is in myself, I wanted to end things on a good note, with me at my best. i wanted her to always remember what a great guy i was to her, and to realize just how much she screwed up. no i don't want her back, but i guess in a weird way i want her to want me back. oh well i guess i'm just being selfish and stupid, but anyways day 1 is officially over and now day 2 has just begun.
cubbbb Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 I wanted to end things on a good note, with me at my best. i wanted her to always remember what a great guy i was to her, and to realize just how much she screwed up. no i don't want her back, but i guess in a weird way i want her to want me back. I hear ya exactly.. My same situation but I'm at day 9 of NC.. Don't cave in. I came soooo close a couple of days ago. The next day I felt better however (slightly). I'm getting those same feelings of contacting her again right now to tell her some final words that I wasn't able to get across in my emotional state but I'm not going to.. I have broke it off with mine several times, and also she has with me. There will always be a few last words that you feel you "NEED" to get in, but just let it go.. Easier said than done. Believe me, I'm struggling with that right now as I type this. Hang tough.
NightsEcho Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Sanne, You have given me some great advice so let me return the favor. First don't blame yourself, as easily as everyone on her dispenses advice, we all have a soft spot for the ones we love. We basically must be broken and destroyed to truly rebuild. The importent thing here is that you recognize that this behavior is destructive. NC is hard, cutting off the loose strings that connect us to the one's we love, hurts so much. It is still a necassary step. You will always have good days and bad days. Buddy, when she texts you and stuff, (and though it may be genuine niceness) leave it. Just leave it. If you see that call come in, go do something, get away from anything that may make you want to respond. You said she knows she has acted horrible, now show her that in life there is concequence for actions
Author sanne Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 i was literally feeling blue and entertaining thoughts about what i would say if i called or emailed her again until i read your replies guys. posting on this board and rereading threads helps immensely and brings me back to reality.
Author sanne Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 it's incredible, there are just so many ups and downs throughout the day. i was just thinking about all the horrible things she's gone through in her life and felt incredibly sad for her. But then I rememberd all the horrible things she's done to me, but I find I can't really get mad at her. i really think my problem is i care too goddamn much about things.
Author sanne Posted July 7, 2005 Author Posted July 7, 2005 today is the first time i can truthfully say that if she came crawling back to me that i would not take her back. you know what's helped me the most, talking to my mom. who woulda thought? that woman's got a lot of common sense and good advice.
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