Chica80 Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 I got this idea from a fellow poster....you will know who you are If you are in an A as the OM/OW and you want to reconcile your marriage or are choosing to stay what are your demands. What do you want from your BS? If you are a BS and have reconciled. What do you want from WS?
malvern99 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 That's an interesting question. From the BS side, at least in my opinion, the answer is relatively simple. Respect... I have the utmost respect for my spouse, and I expect my spouse to have the utmost respect for me. Without respect, there is no basis for a relationship of any kind. Fidelity, honesty and love all flow from respect in my eyes. There can be no R without it going both ways between BS and WS. Granted, the WS starts with a bit of a deficit after DDay, but over time, and with enough hard work, that can be overcome. 2
aileD Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 From me the bs- Honesty,respect and fidelity From my WS- for us to put us first, and to not ignore the problems we had prior to the A, And work on them 1
malvern99 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 From my WS- for us to put us first, and to not ignore the problems we had prior to the A, And work on them My WS tried to use similar logic with me but I could not accept it. Essentially, I was hung up on that fact that she seemed to want to place some of the blame for her choices on me ie, I started confiding in this man because you didn't do xyz. I called bull on that line of thinking because we were in the same marriage. We went through the regular ups and downs like everyone else. There were stretches where I was unhappy or unfulfilled, yet the thought of bringing a third party into our marriage was never something I entertained, and it wasn't because of a lack of opportunity. It was because I respected my wife way too much to hurt her like that and to shame her like that. Clearly, somewhere along the line, my FWS had lost that respect for me and it was going to be on her to show me through actions that it was still there after DDay. She greatly helped her cause by doing one thing... my FWS confessed her betrayal on her own. I did not have to play detective and be subjected to lies before and after the fact. I think that is what pushed me to work through the betrayal and its fallout. If I'd discovered it on my own, I am certain I would have walked. She may have gotten emotionally entangled with another man, but there was at least one iota of respect left for me. Enough for her to give me the truth and allow me to make my own decisions. In regards to the marital problems we had prior to the A. We dealt with them after we had done the hard work of dealing with infidelity (IC, MC, Books etc). My only caveat was that there was no room for her to blame her A on our marriage. She had to own the A 100% and own the selfish choices she made 100% as well. 1
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