Dusk_92 Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Hi guys, Decided to register here because I know there are lots of people in similar situations. Basically, met my boyfriend just over 18-months ago when I was 22 and he 29. The relationship initially wasn't serious - as I was moving to London and he'd had a bad relationship in the past and wasn't sure if he was cutout for marriage/type commitments (though he's definitely not the player-type, he's only slept with a few women aside from me.) Anyway, after a few months of dating he told me he's changed his mind, was falling for me and wanted us to be more serious. Over that summer he said all sorts of things, mentioned children and living together in the future (!!) and most of the time acted pretty elated when around me. Fast-forward to September and we took our relationship long-distance - but saw each other fairly regularly and had a blissful Christmas/New Year (from my perspective!) Just after Christmas he rang me, however, and dropped the bomb shell that he cared for me, but didn't love me. It still hurts me to think about that conversation even now. The next few days were hellish for me - after a few days he contacted me telling me he regretted it and did love me, didn't want us to break up etc. From then on we had a lot of back and forth with him: he visited me after and told me he just wanted to be friends, then came back and wanted us to sleep together, then went cold again and told me he was finding the casual thing hard. It eventually cumulated in me getting drunk, ill and sick when during one visit he told me he'd imagined marrying me, had the happiest relationship of his life with me and I'd made him think of himself as a family man, but we weren't the right fit. I was devastated again and ended it with him the next day, asking for no contact. He contacted me around four days later and we ended up meeting up again, didn't really talk about our issues because I was ill and in the middle of exams...that was about 6 months ago and we've been together since. He brought it up again recently saying he was worried again, that he loved me but wasn't in love etc. Again, I was upset but am used to the record now. I told him we'd have to break-up permanently when I went back to uni and he said, 'why would you want to do that?' I've resolved that this is really my only choice. I think the thing that I remain worried about is that whilst I partially understand where he's coming from (our relationship hasn't always been fireworks and butterflies) that the kind of love we had was enough: a contented happiness. He has admitted that it's been the best relationship of his life and the healthiest. He claims he was in love with his ex, but equally that they only had a few weeks of happiness in their relationship and he used to work 14 hour days so he didn't have to see her (which hardly sounds like a great recipe to me.) The problem is I think we have two diverging views on love: I find the comfortable love to be the ideal, whereas he needs fireworks. I think I also feel confused as to why he said everything he did about marriage, children if he never had such feelings for me etc. I hate a lot of the pain he's put me through, but I don't hate him as a person. But I do feel he has been emotionally manipulative at times, perhaps unknowingly. He on the one hand seems adamant of his feelings, but as soon as a break up becomes a real possibility seems to panic. I've noticed since the last conversation about breaking up he's become more attentive and loving. As a side note, he does suffer from mental health issues. When I met him he was suicidal - has gradually proved over time. He believes he's bipolar (runs in the family, a lot of his behaviour accords with BP), so whether this has anything to do with his mixed up feelings, I don't know. But he refused to get treatment in any form due to his career (prof sportsman - only just starting out mind - he's 30. This affects his quality of life a lot and he can be like two different people in the space of a few hours, also has self-esteem issues, social anxiety. I feel so attached to him, he's literally my best friend, but if we break up my heart won't heal if I remain friends with him and possibly see him date other women etc. I feel like our relationship transitioned early on and I've taken on the role of counsellor/caretaker ever since. He seems pretty stable at the moment but I am concerned about him having no one to talk to as I'm his only confidante. I hate the thought of breaking up for real, but it feels like there's no other option. NC is what I'm planning on doing, but knowing his pattern of behaviour I' pretty sure he may recant again. I know I'll feel tempted to speak to him as soon as that happens, but then I may end up in the same vicious cycle. He rang me extremely depressed after we last spoke about breaking up and we spoke on the phone - he asked me to cone over and was lovey dovey again all evening. I don't know whether if he contacts again post-breakup whether I should set some kind of ultimatum or just continue NC regardless of how much he pleads for me back. I also don't know whether a break, rather than full on break up would be a better way to test the waters etc. 1
LD1990 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I don't know whether if he contacts again post-breakup whether I should set some kind of ultimatum or just continue NC regardless of how much he pleads for me back. I also don't know whether a break, rather than full on break up would be a better way to test the waters etc. Anything other than full no contact where you block him is just you taking a half measure where you should be taking a full measure. You two have done this song and dance before. He's not sure if he really loves you, you leave, oh wait now he does love you! You just have to decide how many more times you want to ride the merry go round. Why would he respect any ultimatum you give him? You've shown that you'll cave and give him what he wants. You asked him for no contact and he called you 4 days later, then you took him back. As far as a break goes, the two of you have taken several breaks, so again, you'd just be repeating the same cycle. Things aren't going to change with him. I'm sure it will be very difficult to cut ties with this guy, but it's for the best. 2
Author Dusk_92 Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Anything other than full no contact where you block him is just you taking a half measure where you should be taking a full measure. You two have done this song and dance before. He's not sure if he really loves you, you leave, oh wait now he does love you! You just have to decide how many more times you want to ride the merry go round. Why would he respect any ultimatum you give him? You've shown that you'll cave and give him what he wants. You asked him for no contact and he called you 4 days later, then you took him back. As far as a break goes, the two of you have taken several breaks, so again, you'd just be repeating the same cycle. Things aren't going to change with him. I'm sure it will be very difficult to cut ties with this guy, but it's for the best. Thanks for the input. With reference to "breaks" we haven't really had one...there was only ever a period of a few days without contact and no more than about a week between the split and seeing each other again (and we were in different cities at the time.) I guess I think of a break more as a period of several months where people go on to live their separate lives, evaluate the relationship, and possibly move on. The 4 day thing, though I'm not making excuses for myself, was when things were very raw emotionally for me still - only a short while after the first break up conversation. I was finding it hard to be emotionally resilient. This time I'm much more mentally prepared for moving on, though I'm still not one hundred percent there, though definitely working on it. I realise that after doing this back and forth thing twice already he's unlikely to change and I no longer trust him not to hurt me. 1
Satu Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Ending a relationship that needs to end is painful; but its a necessary pain, like pain after surgery. Re 'being friends' with exes: To part now and parting now, Never to meet again; To have done for ever; I and thou, With joy, and so with pain. It is too hard, too hard to meet If we trust love no more; Those other meetings were too sweet That went before. And I would have, now love is over, An end to all, a end: I cannot, having been your lover, Stoop to become your friend. — ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love,” Take care. 1
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