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Boyfriend said he's planning to marry me. What should I expect?

Elizabeth6786

By Elizabeth6786
in General Relationship Discussion

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Elizabeth6786 New Member

Elizabeth6786

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Why would a guy tell a girl he's planning on marrying her?

I ask this because My boyfriend of a year said this to me yesterday and it caught me off guard. We both believe in marriage and are in love. I met his family and he's met mine everything is great when it comes to friends and family. I'm 23 and he's 26 I am almost done school and would prefer to be married at 25....but he might want sooner. He has planned for us to go on a trip to Niagara falls in 3 weeks for a wine tasting and dining and a nice room with a jacuzzi and a king size bed... Should I prepare to say no to a proposal on this trip :/? What do I do? I know it won't happen tomorrow lol but I want to know if there are any married or engaged women who experienced this before their man proposed. I need advice please.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted
Should I prepare to say no to a proposal on this trip :/?

Only if you don't want to marry him.

 

If you *do* actually want to get married, you can say yes and have a long engagement.

 

On the other hand, if there is a reason you don't see a long-term future with him, than do not accept his proposal and end the relationship.

  • Like 4
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

He has declared his intent, so if you don't want a proposal soonish, then you had better warn him off. It is his way of getting an idea how you feel about it.

  • Like 3
JustGettingBy Established Member

JustGettingBy

Posted
Posted

If you don't want to marry him at all:

 

You'll likely have to tell him. If this causes one of you to want to leave the relationship, it'll hurt, but it'll still be less painful than waiting it out.

 

If you want to marry him later:

 

Expect a proposition and either say 'not now', or take Carrie's advice on the long engagement.

 

If you want to marry him now:

 

Practice your most excited 'yes'.;)

TXGuy Established Member

TXGuy

Posted
Posted
Why would a guy tell a girl he's planning on marrying her?

I ask this because My boyfriend of a year said this to me yesterday and it caught me off guard. We both believe in marriage and are in love. I met his family and he's met mine everything is great when it comes to friends and family. I'm 23 and he's 26 I am almost done school and would prefer to be married at 25....but he might want sooner. He has planned for us to go on a trip to Niagara falls in 3 weeks for a wine tasting and dining and a nice room with a jacuzzi and a king size bed... Should I prepare to say no to a proposal on this trip :/? What do I do? I know it won't happen tomorrow lol but I want to know if there are any married or engaged women who experienced this before their man proposed. I need advice please.

 

I don't understand. You are 23 now and want to be married at 25. But you on posting a question about how to say no to a proposal.

 

That doesn't make much sense unless you don't see a future with the boyfriend.

  • Like 1
compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

Posted
Posted

Since he brought it up, you probably should have mentioned that you aren't ready yet. That you want to get married (to him) some day, but that you need more time.

 

Don't wait for the proposal to tell him this!!!

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted (edited)
Why would a guy tell a girl he's planning on marrying her?

I ask this because My boyfriend of a year said this to me yesterday and it caught me off guard. We both believe in marriage and are in love. I met his family and he's met mine everything is great when it comes to friends and family. I'm 23 and he's 26 I am almost done school and would prefer to be married at 25....but he might want sooner. He has planned for us to go on a trip to Niagara falls in 3 weeks for a wine tasting and dining and a nice room with a jacuzzi and a king size bed... Should I prepare to say no to a proposal on this trip :/? What do I do? I know it won't happen tomorrow lol but I want to know if there are any married or engaged women who experienced this before their man proposed. I need advice please.

 

Oh, holy cow!!??? What the hell is this about? Either you love him and want to marry him or you don't? By the time you get down to the wedding, you'll probably be pretty close to 25 anyway. Engagement for 6 months to a year . . . I don't get your dilemma . . .

 

You'll be finished with school, what else do you want to do after you finish school that can't be done while you're married?

 

If he asks you on the trip, say, OK, but let's plan the wedding for after your 25th birthday . . . but be prepared for him to pull back because he senses your hesitation to marry him and wonders if you actually love him . . . paleeze. Don't screw around with him . . .

 

And, then, I'll be looking for a post from a guy who loved a woman and after a year decided he wanted to marry her . . . everything seemed great . . . and she said NO because she's not 25 yet . . . yikes . . .

Edited by Redhead14
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Elizabeth6786 New Member

Elizabeth6786

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Posted
Since he brought it up, you probably should have mentioned that you aren't ready yet. That you want to get married (to him) some day, but that you need more time.

 

Don't wait for the proposal to tell him this!!!

 

I'm not sure there will be a proposal and I don't want to randomly bring it up and him think I'm assuming.

compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

Posted
Posted
I'm not sure there will be a proposal and I don't want to randomly bring it up and him think I'm assuming.

 

My style might be off-putting, but I'd literally just be like, "Hey, the other day you mentioned marriage. I was a little surprised, and I want you to know that I want to marry you some day, but I'm not quite ready yet."

 

This would be easier to say if he brought it up again. Then you could say, "some day, of course, when we're ready. But I'm not quite there yet."

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted (edited)
My style might be off-putting, but I'd literally just be like, "Hey, the other day you mentioned marriage. I was a little surprised, and I want you to know that I want to marry you some day, but I'm not quite ready yet."

 

This would be easier to say if he brought it up again. Then you could say, "some day, of course, when we're ready. But I'm not quite there yet."

 

If I heard, "I'm not quite there yet", or "I don't know what I want" after a year . . . I'd be gone. We don't want to waste our time, but we expect a guy to live in limbo . . .

 

She should tell him "I've enjoyed the time we've spent together, but I am not ready for marriage"

 

She shouldn't string him along until she figures out what she wants . . . She should be on the other end of this string . . . this happens to women all the time and we tell them to move on.

 

How many posts have we seen from women who tell us that a man told her he "didn't know what he wants", "maybe in another year", maybe, maybe, maybe . . .

 

The only people who say stuff like this after a year are wondering if there's something better or think they can't do better or, or . . . but won't give up what they have just in case . . .

Edited by Redhead14
  • Like 1
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I'm not sure there will be a proposal and I don't want to randomly bring it up and him think I'm assuming.

 

Didn't he already bring it up? If so, your discussion would be less than random.

 

You'll find the healthiest relationships have direct communication, especially on important topics like marriage. If it's on your mind, talk about it...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

How long have you been together? And are you sure at this point in time that he's the one to marry, even if you don't get married for another 2 years?

 

If he asks you and if you see a future with him, then say Yes. It takes time to plan anyway and there's no rush as you're just 23. There's probably a few things you want to do before getting married anyway.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Before you go on this trip, remind him that you are not about to get married or engaged before you are 25 and don't even have time to consider it while in school. Don't let him spend all this money. He's either planning on proposing or marrying you at the falls. It doesn't sound like you're anywhere near ready. And there is no hurry. You don't have to go by his schedule. You've told him your preferences.

  • Like 1
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

If he can't wait two years while you finish school then I see this as a red flag.

 

This isn't the 1950's where people have no option but to get married at 19.

 

You and others in your age are like fine wine. If he is so impatient to not allow you to age before he takes a sip, in the long run all he's gonna get is bad tasting grape juice. Now a days a marriage's chances of succeding increase when you marry late 20s.

 

Can you meet him halfway and agree to a long engagement - which includes 6 months of premarital counseling?

 

Also, has he asked your dad's permission? Ok, no one respects tradition now a days, but I'd at least expect him to like have lunch with your parents or dad about marrying you before he planned out this trip.

 

So, if he hasn't spoken to your dad and/or won't agree to premarital counseling and a long engagement, then beware.....

 

PS, if he's so ready to control you, becareful that he doesn't tey to knock you up by "accident".

  • Like 1
Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

I don't understand why you would say no unless you don't want to marry him? You can be engaged for a couple of years.

compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

Posted
Posted
If I heard, "I'm not quite there yet", or "I don't know what I want" after a year . . . I'd be gone. We don't want to waste our time, but we expect a guy to live in limbo . . .

 

She should tell him "I've enjoyed the time we've spent together, but I am not ready for marriage"

 

She shouldn't string him along until she figures out what she wants . . . She should be on the other end of this string . . . this happens to women all the time and we tell them to move on.

 

How many posts have we seen from women who tell us that a man told her he "didn't know what he wants", "maybe in another year", maybe, maybe, maybe . . .

 

The only people who say stuff like this after a year are wondering if there's something better or think they can't do better or, or . . . but won't give up what they have just in case . . .

 

I don't think it's stringing him along, as long as you know you want to marry him some day. If you don't think you do, then yes, break it off. But if you want to get married and the timing just isn't right yet, tell him.

 

I've been with my boyfriend almost a year and a half and we're having a baby in Oct. But I'm not ready to marry him yet. I don't want to be engaged until I'm ready to plan a wedding.

 

I love him, and I think this relationship will last. I want to get married eventually. I just don't see the need to jump into it yet.

 

Especially considering we are both fairly recently divorced.

 

If I was going to do things over with my ex husband, I would wait longer to get engaged and longer to get married. I always wanted to date a long time, then have a short engagement.

 

I said yes at 21 years old because I knew I wanted to get married eventually, and I didn't want to break his heart. But I wasn't ready, and I even knew it then. I did myself a disservice, and I did him a disservice.

 

If you know you're not ready, let him know now before you get engaged. Don't wait until he proposes, or until you're planning a wedding, or until you're at the alter. It'll only get harder, it'll hurt more, and it will be expensive.

 

You have time. One year is not very long in the scheme of things.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I've been with my boyfriend almost a year and a half and we're having a baby in Oct. But I'm not ready to marry him yet. I don't want to be engaged until I'm ready to plan a wedding.

 

I'm always curious, have to ask people in your situation - what commitment does marriage represent to you that having a child together doesn't :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

Posted
Posted
I'm always curious, have to ask people in your situation - what commitment does marriage represent to you that having a child together doesn't :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Good question. Part of it is that this child showed up quite a bit earlier than planned. We had been talking about having a baby in a couple years, but instead he moved in with me in Jan, and we got pregnant right about then. So, ideally, we would have waited until we were further along in the relationship.

 

Having just gone through a divorce...we were entangled in ways we didn't even realize. I recently started counseling again because I didn't give myself enough time to grieve after our separation (the relationship was unexpected, too...I was planning to date casually for a while before finding a serious boyfriend). I love my boyfriend and my life, and I don't want to change it, but there is still a lot of unprocessed emotion from the divorce.

 

Two years after separating, my ex and I just now separated our final bill. I still need to change him as a beneficiary on my retirement plan. He is renting to own our house (from me), so there is still paperwork to be done.

 

While I love my boyfriend, we are in the early stages of combining our lives. We live together now, we share bills but not accounts, etc, though we get more entwined the longer we are together. While I don't see this happening, if at some point we decided to call it quits, we could still walk away with a hand shake and custody agreement.

 

We aren't even done with that 2-year "honeymoon" period yet! I think it's wise to wait until that is complete before getting married. I've always thought a baby was an insufficient reason to get married, especially when the baby is a surprise.

 

The big thing for me is psychological. I just don't feel ready yet. My boyfriend does not feel any need to get married, although he knows that I want to eventually, and I don't think he has any objections. At some point, we will discuss these things in earnest, but right now I'm not ready - I want to go into a marriage that will last a lifetime, not another divorce.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I've always thought a baby was an insufficient reason to get married, especially when the baby is a surprise.

 

Thanks for the well-articulated explanation.

 

Guess I'm old school, sort of work it backwards. I feel if a couple is going to bring a child into this world, they owe it the family bond and structure marriage helps create. Once you have a baby, those issues that contribute to its well-being take priority.

 

I understand not everyone feels this way...

 

Mr. Lucky

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