My girlfriend goes through periods of disappearing, saying she is just to herself.

[Raven9595]

Have a few problems...My girlfriend goes through periods of disappearing, saying she is just to herself. While yes she's an introvert it happens so regularly and ok completely cut off from her it's become very very hurtful. I think she uses it to manipulate the situation. It occurs mostly when o don't give into her.

 

With her career she's all in and works like crazy, she gives the best of herself to her job and kids and I'm left with the scraps. I'm not ok with that.

 

She tells me nothing, I istally find out she went somewhere or did something after the fact if at all. Not that I mind her doing things, but aren't partners supposed to communicate and share.

 

Any insight would be helpful. Maybe my perspective is wrong. But it's hurtful and not what I want in a partner.

[Gaeta]

How long have you been dating?

 

Sounds like a case of 'bad girlfriend'.

 

You know dating is about finding the right partner for us. When it's hard, complicated, frustrating, hurtful it's because we are not with the right person.

[Raven9595]

3 years... When we are together, we never fight - settle disagreements in a healthy way.. Have a ton of fun and laugh a lot. There's something very good there.. But these things are becoming too much

[Gaeta]

3 years... When we are together, we never fight - settle disagreements in a healthy way.. Have a ton of fun and laugh a lot. There's something very good there.. But these things are becoming too much

 

So, how often do you see each other?

She disappears for how long usually?

How old are you 2?

Why dating 3 years and not living together?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Have a few problems...My girlfriend goes through periods of disappearing, saying she is just to herself. While yes she's an introvert it happens so regularly and ok completely cut off from her it's become very very hurtful. I think she uses it to manipulate the situation. It occurs mostly when o don't give into her.

 

With her career she's all in and works like crazy, she gives the best of herself to her job and kids and I'm left with the scraps. I'm not ok with that.

 

She tells me nothing, I istally find out she went somewhere or did something after the fact if at all. Not that I mind her doing things, but aren't partners supposed to communicate and share.

 

Any insight would be helpful. Maybe my perspective is wrong. But it's hurtful and not what I want in a partner.

 

I just don't understand why reasonable people remain in relationships with dysfunctional people...unless....ugh.

[basil67]

You mention that she does this after you don't give in to her. Can you give examples of you not giving in to her? And how often does it happen?

[preraph]

Listen, anyone with their own kids, you are only going to get the scraps, even if you marry the person. Kids are top priority and take up a whole lot of time. Plus she's trying to have a career. Do you know how busy that makes her? I get it if you want someone more available, but a working mother is not a reasonable choice for that unless you're married to her and they're your kids and you're doing half and are as busy as she is.

[todreaminblue]

hey raven...im an introverted empath who has to have recharge alone time..

 

i have been in serious relationships however and one thing that needs to have a level of importance and place.... is the other person you are with shouldnt feel confused or cut off completely....but still part of your life.....normally alone time is ...alone time and not spent in the company of others doing other things out and about.... that you find out about "three weeks"later is not right...sounds like a push pull convenient to her relationship at best to me.....

 

having kids...it is a priority and responsibility to keep and a mother needs to make that important.... dating as a single mum is a real test...........cant you all do things together as well certain times however...like spending family time ...going to the beach,camping,bush walking or a museum or something like that.

 

be honest and upfront with your needs and what you want...tell her you understand the concept of alone time.....let her know what isnt working for you...dont be afraid to ask for what you want and need in a relationship...its th eonly way to make a relationship work...if both parties are having their needs attended to and nurtured and understood......see if some sort of compromise can be had by being open...if not and she wont have a bar ofit.......she probably isnt the right woman for you....best wishes...deb

[scooby-philly]

1. We definitely need more answers if you want some more accurate thoughts.

 

2. There's nothing wrong with alone time. But after 3 years people should be able to communicate that and still be alone - together. As Gaeta said - if you're not living together it's one thing but assuming you're quasi close with her kids at this point - you can come over and help her on occassion with the kids or just be there and she can still have her alone time. I remember reading a great quote - the best couples can be alone...together.

 

3. It could be possible she has a defensive condition where she disappears to show you "who's boss". I know that with myself, I used to threaten to leave b/c that's what my parents and grandmother (who lived with us) would do. they didn't know how to solve problems like adults and my parents were the wrong match for each other. More info on her behavior would help but the fact that you can spot it is a little disconcerting. This is the most important thing to address. I wouldn't be accusatory with it, but if it bothers you that much (and it should) then it needs to get called out so she can work on it.

 

4. There's something called balance. Yes, kids take priority but living in a working class neighborhood but working for big corporations, I see the extremes of parenting - kids running around the street with little to no supervision, and parents who think that life is a sorority/fraternity and demand too little of their kids and shelter them or demand too much thinking life is kill or be killed. Careers need balance too. There's nothing wrong with hard work - but people need to keep in mind that a "career" when you're not the owner has limits. And while you want to tell her how you feel without making her appear selfish or downplaying the kids after 3 years you should be able to express your feelings on such a subject. if she isn't working hard for a reason, then it could be cover for something.

 

5. My last ex was very selfish. As much as a part of me still hates her, I was also blind that I served as an enabler of her early on - as did all of her past exes and her family. Most people go through a period where they're not accountable to anyone. That's a nice part about being single. Some people though, cannot adopt to a relationship and understand how to be INTER-DEPENDENT. What's the case with her? Is she just used to doing her own thing or is she a serial usurper? Honestly at 3 years you need to address this point quickly as well.

 

Quite frankly it sounds like either you have little to no self-respect (different from self-esteem) and don't understand that any relationships - romantic, family, friendship - is a two way street or perhaps you're a "nice guy". Check out some books on those topics and you'll see what I mean.

 

Bottom line - you deserve happiness as much as anyone else.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have to say, there are too many excuses for her here. What I'm hearing that is that she is too busy to have a relationship. If so, talk about it, or not, and hope form change. If not, move on. Good grief, so what if she has kids and works too much. She is not fulfilling your (reasonable) needs. A relationship is about making efforts to support, comfort, fulfill one another within reasonable parameters and expectations. If it's not happening, request sincere changes and move on if it doesn't happen...

 

...why do people stay in dysfunctional relationships???

[todreaminblue]

 

the best couples can be alone...together.

so true

 

Bottom line - you deserve happiness as much as anyone else.

bloody awesome scooby..

 

 

 

 

i would have put your whole post on quote...but i get in trouble for that..i do it alot......:0)..deb...

[basil67]

This

 

3 years... When we are together, we never fight - settle disagreements in a healthy way..

 

and this

 

I think she uses it to manipulate the situation. It occurs mostly when o don't give into her.

 

Are contradictory. People who settle disagreements in a healthy way don't manipulate. Nor should 'giving in' be required. That said, I don't understand if you giving in is required because she asks too much or because you're not flexible enough. More info required.

[bachdude]

Sorry Basil! I didn't see your post! Here it is anyway....

 

 

I'm a little confused. You say you handle disagreements in a healthy way but then say when you don't "give in" she disappears and it seems to you she is manipulating the situation. That isn't healthy.

 

 

Could you give an example of when you didn't "give in" and she behaved this way?

[Redhead14]

Have a few problems...My girlfriend goes through periods of disappearing, saying she is just to herself. While yes she's an introvert it happens so regularly and ok completely cut off from her it's become very very hurtful. I think she uses it to manipulate the situation. It occurs mostly when o don't give into her.

 

With her career she's all in and works like crazy, she gives the best of herself to her job and kids and I'm left with the scraps. I'm not ok with that.

 

She tells me nothing, I istally find out she went somewhere or did something after the fact if at all. Not that I mind her doing things, but aren't partners supposed to communicate and share.

 

Any insight would be helpful. Maybe my perspective is wrong. But it's hurtful and not what I want in a partner.

 

it's hurtful and not what I want in a partner -- So, what's the question? She's not the woman for you . . . move on.

 

Perspective? -- What other perspective do you need? You want a partner who communicates and shares -- she doesn't . . .you're not wrong, she's not wrong. You're just wrong for each other.

[mragnis]

So are you still together? How you sorted out things?

[Art_Critic]

I agree that a person with kids has a different set of priorities and puts them first and you get the scraps at times but after 3 years they should be putting their partner second...

 

I know this is going to sound strange but it sounds to me she has a FWB of an Ex she has kept in the wings that she brings into the fold when she needs them..

 

The very idea that she goes places when she gets introverted is the key... she has kids.. well.. if she went out there are no kids she is making a priority for whether she got a sitter or their Dad has them so it is about going out without him....

Not many people that I know of would do this with GF's...

 

Sorry you are going thru this, you either have a commitment phoebe or someone who is seeing others.. IMO

[KatZee]

I don't see this as a woman who is a commitment phobe, or someone who is seeing others.

 

OP clearly stated she works all the time, and on top of that, has kids.

 

This relationship is three YEARS deep.

 

I see a woman who is juggling a demanding job, a second demanding job being a mother, and still finding time for a boyfriend. On top of all of this, the poor woman needs time to eat, and sleep! And godforbid she ever take a second for herself to decompress, unwind, and just get some peace and quiet, now she's got a nagging boyfriend who needs more, more, more!

 

At three years in, she obviously feels things have been going fine. I'm not sure why OP waited three YEARS to voice any sort of concern regarding the lack of time she has for him. This should have been discussed two years, and six months ago.

 

I think this woman is overwhelmed, exhausted, and having someone put more pressure, wanting more and more? I'm the same way. If I'm completely strung out, I have a plateful of responsibilities, and someone who is clearly not understanding my schedule and life--I'm going to pull away, because that's just not something someone wants to deal with after hours at a job, then caring for kids at night.

 

I don't see this as a "dysfunctional relationship." I see this as a relationship with incompatible partners. OP clearly wants more time and attention, and OP's girlfriend isn't able to provide what he needs. This doesn't make her a bad person, or dysfunctional, or a commitment phobe, or a cheater. It makes her a responsible woman who works her a.$s off to be able to provide for her kids.

 

And I agree with whoever else stated it previously. If you date someone with kids, EXPECT to receive scraps. You are not the priority.