Major setback (after 8 months)

[TheSwanGirl]

Soooooooooo. This is an update.

 

After one month of NC at ALL, he wrote to me on friday night. I posted a song on my Twitter (a cover of "Love yourself").

 

For minutes later, I got this (that means he's stalking me! The whole time...):

 

"Hi, Swan, how are you doing?"

And then we started talking. He told me he has lost all interest in life, he feels like s*it, he doesn't write as much as he did before... He asked me how I was doing and he got no reply. I went to take a shower and when I came back he was still writing to me.

 

"Are you going out tonight?" I said "Nope, but tomorrow yes". He told me he's not in the mood of doing anything, unlike me, that I seemed to be having a nice time. Not even watching a movie on the cinema (it was our happy place).

 

He told me he can't go to the movies. He doesn't "feel like it" (I work for a movie company and he sees me everytime he sees the brand that I work for). We talked about his life and I tried to cheer him up... I don't know why. But I tried. I can't see him sad or frustrated. I want him to be happy.

 

After that he changed the version of what he said to me, when I decided to tell him I'm starting a new job next tuesday. It's like a promotion, you could say. "Woah, you're amazing. You deserve everything, you're brilliant. You started on an internship and now you're here. You worked your ass off to get this." I pointed out what he told me three months before, when he broke up with me, that life had given everything to me and I didn't have to make any effort. "Please... I don't wanna argue."

 

After a couple of hours talking, I asked him why he wrote to me. He said "Because of yes. That's why". I told him "Well, if you're writing me for the wrong reasons, JUST DON'T. If you are bored, or you just want to feel less guilty and sleep well, DON'T even write to me". He told he wasn't writing me for any of those reasons. He just wanted to.

 

Then he told me he was reading the book I recommended him (which isn't true... I posted a tweet of the book I was currently reading, that's all), we talked about the new blink-182 song, and that he bought the shirts I loved.

 

He deleted his FB account today.

 

This morning we talked. I told him I couldn't talk today, I had driving lessons. He told me "you must hate me so much, I should take care of myself, you running around in a car... You are going to hit me with your car, eventually".

 

He was being silly, sending me a lot of emojis. I didn't respond immediatly, I took my time.

 

I told him "I don't hate you. You know I can't." Then he thanked me like 20x times for responding him and that I should hate him. He started to tell me that he was having a creativy crisis, and he was having the worst time of his life.

 

I don't know what to think anymore.

 

Why does he contact me???? He wants to be friends?? Should I tell him to leave me alone??? I do want to get back with him if he puts effort in the relationship to make it work, but I don't want to be his friend. I can't. On the other side, I don't want to tell him to get out of my life, because I'm afraid of asking him what he really wants with me, and getting rejection again, and I'm afraid of going back to square one. What if he's trying to reconnect with me???

 

Shouldn't he be happy with his new gf??? Why does he starts telling me the things he bought because of me?????!

 

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!help.

 

What do I do??? Should I talk to him?? Should I wait and see how things evolve????

 

 

Have this in mind: I DO want to be with him. So what's the best course of action in this????

 

Thanks.

 

Swan.

[TaraMaiden2]

Soooooooooo. This is an update.

 

After one month of NC at ALL, he wrote to me on friday night. I posted a song on my Twitter (a cover of "Love yourself").

 

For minutes later, I got this (that means he's stalking me! The whole time...):

 

"Hi, Swan, how are you doing?"

And then we started talking. He told me he has lost all interest in life, he feels like s*it, he doesn't write as much as he did before... He asked me how I was doing and he got no reply. I went to take a shower and when I came back he was still writing to me.

 

"Are you going out tonight?" I said "Nope, but tomorrow yes". He told me he's not in the mood of doing anything, unlike me, that I seemed to be having a nice time. Not even watching a movie on the cinema (it was our happy place).

 

He told me he can't go to the movies. He doesn't "feel like it" (I work for a movie company and he sees me everytime he sees the brand that I work for). We talked about his life and I tried to cheer him up... I don't know why. But I tried. I can't see him sad or frustrated. I want him to be happy.

 

After that he changed the version of what he said to me, when I decided to tell him I'm starting a new job next tuesday. It's like a promotion, you could say. "Woah, you're amazing. You deserve everything, you're brilliant. You started on an internship and now you're here. You worked your ass off to get this." I pointed out what he told me three months before, when he broke up with me, that life had given everything to me and I didn't have to make any effort. "Please... I don't wanna argue."

 

After a couple of hours talking, I asked him why he wrote to me. He said "Because of yes. That's why". I told him "Well, if you're writing me for the wrong reasons, JUST DON'T. If you are bored, or you just want to feel less guilty and sleep well, DON'T even write to me". He told he wasn't writing me for any of those reasons. He just wanted to.

 

Then he told me he was reading the book I recommended him (which isn't true... I posted a tweet of the book I was currently reading, that's all), we talked about the new blink-182 song, and that he bought the shirts I loved.

 

He deleted his FB account today.

 

This morning we talked. I told him I couldn't talk today, I had driving lessons. He told me "you must hate me so much, I should take care of myself, you running around in a car... You are going to hit me with your car, eventually".

 

He was being silly, sending me a lot of emojis. I didn't respond immediatly, I took my time.

 

I told him "I don't hate you. You know I can't." Then he thanked me like 20x times for responding him and that I should hate him. He started to tell me that he was having a creativy crisis, and he was having the worst time of his life.

 

I don't know what to think anymore.

 

Why does he contact me???? He wants to be friends?? Should I tell him to leave me alone??? I do want to get back with him if he puts effort in the relationship to make it work, but I don't want to be his friend. I can't. On the other side, I don't want to tell him to get out of my life, because I'm afraid of asking him what he really wants with me, and getting rejection again, and I'm afraid of going back to square one. What if he's trying to reconnect with me???

 

Shouldn't he be happy with his new gf??? Why does he starts telling me the things he bought because of me?????!

 

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!help.

 

What do I do??? Should I talk to him?? Should I wait and see how things evolve????

 

 

Have this in mind: I DO want to be with him. So what's the best course of action in this????

 

Thanks.

 

Swan.

 

Right now?

Right now I feel like putting my hand through the screen and slapping you silly.

 

But I have a better idea.

 

Go into the kitchen, find the heaviest pan you can, take the lid off (if it has one) and swing it hard, against your head.

 

Do that...oh, maybe another 4 times.

 

Seriously, do it.

 

No honestly, I'm absolutely serious.

The biggest heaviest pan you can find.

Swing it hard.

 

You're not going to do it, are you?

No, I thought not.

 

But you'll gladly mess with this situation again, and potentially stab yourself in the heart - and this time, it will be entirely your doing.

Here's your huge mistake:

 

And then we started talking.

 

I'm not going to offer any more advice, because you won't listen, so best of luck.

You're going to need it.

[TheSwanGirl]

But you'll gladly mess with this situation again, and potentially stab yourself in the heart - and this time, it will be entirely your doing.

 

You're probably right, and probably this is the worst decision I've ever made in my entire life. But this is how I feel right now.

 

And I'm not gonna feel guilty for how I feel. That's it.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm not suggesting you feel guilty, at all.

I just think you're making a huge mistake, and are setting yourself up for a massive fall.

 

The thing is, a lot of people invested time in supporting and helping you, and you've basically ignored all their well-meaning and experienced advice.

 

I actually hope it does go well for you, honestly. I do.

But things like this are notoriously prone to failing...

 

He left you for someone else.

That's your thread title.

Now he's complaining about how his stupidity is affecting him.

 

He's woefully full of self-pity, and of all people (because you know him best) he's looking to you to bolster his ego and make him feel good.

That dumb remark about you running him over is false remorse.

And you told him you can't hate him, which just goes to alleviate his guilt, and strokes his ego.

The contact was for his own benefit. Not yours.

he needed to hear you as good as say "all is forgiven."

And from his PoV, he heard it.

 

He's friend-zoned you.

He thinks he can now approach you for a chat and an ego-boost any time he wants.

 

And I think you've just walked slap-bang into it, and proved him right.

 

Breadcrumbs by the ton, there...

[Jersey born raised]

Don't go all Hollywood love and forgiveness trumps all. He has a lot of growing up and is looking for someone to tell him what to do. He wants his mother.

 

The reason his GF stalked you was because he kept comparing you to her, and as you came up with the short stick in that comparison when he was with you, now it is her turn.

 

Why are you still hung up on him to some degree? Because he was the first person you truly open up to as an adult, and it was amazing. Something happened that you never could have imagined. I am 40 years out from the first woman I was with and that memory is still fresh.

 

But that is all it is, an amazing memory. A memory that cannot be used to build a relationship on. Acceptance is hard, keep going.

[TaraMaiden2]

You're probably right, and probably this is the worst decision I've ever made in my entire life. But this is how I feel right now.

 

And I'm not gonna feel guilty for how I feel. That's it.

 

At the risk of sounding egotistical, could I refer you back to post #22, and your response to it (post 23#)?

 

One of the guys in our block of apartments is a tattooist, btw....

[TheSwanGirl]

At the risk of sounding egotistical, could I refer you back to post #22, and your response to it (post 23#)?

 

One of the guys in our block of apartments is a tattooist, btw....

 

The things is that today I blocked him from everywhere. Now I feel like sh*t, but I had to do it. FULL NC. He can't reach to me. If he tries again, I'm changing my phone number.

 

Thank you for helping me, thanks for giving me the truth in the face just before I made something I regret.

 

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!

[Trinity_84]

I've been on his side of the coin.

 

Please stop talking to him, he's looking for attention where he knows he'll get it. He's not worth your time and you can do so much better. Honestly. He might feel guilty somehow, he might feel sad and depressed, yes, but he made his bed, he needs to lie in it. Without you. Cause *he* broke up with *you* for someone else. Always remember that.

[tayriley]

my heart breaks for you as i read your post. at the same time, i am so inspired by seeing how strong you are. it takes other people YEARS to figure out what you have figured out in months.

 

my first love, who i knew for almost 10 years and dated for 2, broke my heart repeatedly in the break up. he kept stringing me along, and like your guy, became a totally different person. last weekend, he got married. i haven't spoken to him in probably 10 years, and i STILL was so upset and angry at seeing him happy.

 

your post snapped me back to reality. that person i loved is long gone. he died. whoever is in his body now is not the same person and not someone i want to love or i want to love me.

 

thank you for this post of yours. it put things back in perspective for me. you are right for feeling relieved that you are free of this coward. you don't need someone toxic like that that lies to your face and cheats on you and causes you so much stress you land in a hospital. keep up your no-contact and block him forever. this person does not deserve your attention.

[TheSwanGirl]

my heart breaks for you as i read your post. at the same time, i am so inspired by seeing how strong you are. it takes other people YEARS to figure out what you have figured out in months.

 

my first love, who i knew for almost 10 years and dated for 2, broke my heart repeatedly in the break up. he kept stringing me along, and like your guy, became a totally different person. last weekend, he got married. i haven't spoken to him in probably 10 years, and i STILL was so upset and angry at seeing him happy.

 

your post snapped me back to reality. that person i loved is long gone. he died. whoever is in his body now is not the same person and not someone i want to love or i want to love me.

 

thank you for this post of yours. it put things back in perspective for me. you are right for feeling relieved that you are free of this coward. you don't need someone toxic like that that lies to your face and cheats on you and causes you so much stress you land in a hospital. keep up your no-contact and block him forever. this person does not deserve your attention.

 

Oh my god, this is such a beautiful response. You don't know how much this means to me.

 

No one tells me I'm strong, actually they tell me I'm being weak for taking meds and having depression. But I do feel pretty strong, because I can get up from bed, eat, and work, and that's a lot right now. I'm even taking driving lessons!!! Your response made such a huge impact on my day.

 

You're welcome, I'm glad I could shed some light on your situation. I think that we never forget our first love, right?

 

You can write me whenever you want. I know you must feel upset because, even after all this time, you still got feelings (negative, yeah, but feelings anyway) towards him. It's okay. But the guy you loved is gone. Someone else is in his body.

 

Thank you so so much for your post. It totally made my whole day. No one ever told me I'm being strong in this mess.

 

Hugs hugs hugs hugs!!!!!!!!!!!

[toastytiger]

Wow, thank you Swangirl, for sharing your story. It has been so nice to read as I am going through a somewhat similar situation.

The man I was with for almost 2 years left me for someone else one month ago. He said it was because he felt like he liked talking to her more/she can hold space for him/she's closer to his age/more accomplished/more experience. As I reflect on our relationship, he has kind of been stringing me along this whole time. And he always criticized me. My self-esteem has gone down so much.

At the same time, I have such a deep love for him and we've shared so much intimate time together. So, needless to say, it's been very hard trying to let him go.

I went through the same feelings of shock as you. I felt like I was almost having a panic attack a few times at first. I was in denial that it was really over. I kept asking him why because I didn't understand. And I kept blaming myself thinking if I didn't or did do "x,y,and z" he would have stayed.

**** that.

Now I'm in a stage of feeling immense anger and rage. Which is more empowering in a way and I'm directing the blame at him instead of just at me now. I'm furious that for the last few months or so of our relationship, he was kind of hanging out with her and got mad at me for worrying she was a threat to our relationship... I should have known she already was. He initially broke up with me when he first met her because it was a signal to him that something wasn't being met in our relationship. But then he came back just a few days later saying he made a mistake. A month or so later, out of mistrust and a feeling of something being "off" I checked his phone and saw that he hung out with her one night (the same night he told be he couldn't see me because of other things) and he was flirting with her through text. I was incredibly upset and broke up with him because I wasn't going to deal with that. Then, a week or so later, he wanted to get back together and I don't know how it happened, but we somehow slipped back into a relationship... Only to have him break up with me a few weeks later! Ugh! And he never said it was to be with this other woman and during the past few months, I always thought I was over-reacting for worrying about her, but now he's starting to date her! I don't think I've ever been so mad at someone. Or have felt so much hatred towards someone for hurting me so deeply.

I know forgiveness is something I will need to do in the future, for my own sake mostly. But right now I am owning my anger and it doesn't need any justification.

 

I'm not sure where you are at in your post-being-broken-up-with-for someone-else process, but maybe you'll go through a similar feeling after letting go of shock, denial, hope or self-blame. He made the decision to leave you, For another person! It just feels like such a betrayal.

 

My heart goes out to you and what you're going through.

I know it feels like the worse thing ever. And it feels like someone has just died. I'm still fresh out of my relationship and would have a really difficult time not taking him back if he asked and worked for it. I understand being afraid of rejection again, or, closing the door on what might be reconciliation.

 

You ARE strong. Really. Break-ups are one of life's hardest things to go through. You kinda of have a triple whammy with it being your first love and him leaving with another girl. It's like a rights of passage you are going through. It takes STRENGTH. And you are here, sharing your story, finding ways to cope... amazing. It WILL definitely get better, I promise.

 

Listen to yourself, your desires, your needs. Own them and know you deserve them. Raise your standards! You deserve someone who loves you and wants to commit to you and only you! Who won't dump you for another person. This is the lesson I am learning. And although it's a painful learning process, I now know what I DON'T want in a relationship and what I do.

 

Remember, you're a beautiful and awesome lady that's not going to settle for less than what you want/deserve. I hope that you can feel empowered through all of this.

 

I'm also concerned about the medication you are taking. There are other more natural alternatives such as b-vitamins, GABA, 5-htp, Tulsi, adaptogenic herbs such as ashwaganda, rhodiola. They are much healthier and are very effective. Especially combined with other stress/anxiety reducing activities like yoga or meditation. Self-care is a wonderful way to love yourself. And that's what you gotta do, especially right now. You have to be your own lover first.

 

Let me know if you need anything else. Stay strong. Things always change, it's impossible to feel this way forever.

 

In solidarity of moving on,

Jade

[TheSwanGirl]

Wow, thank you Swangirl, for sharing your story. It has been so nice to read as I am going through a somewhat similar situation.

The man I was with for almost 2 years left me for someone else one month ago. He said it was because he felt like he liked talking to her more/she can hold space for him/she's closer to his age/more accomplished/more experience. As I reflect on our relationship, he has kind of been stringing me along this whole time. And he always criticized me. My self-esteem has gone down so much.

At the same time, I have such a deep love for him and we've shared so much intimate time together. So, needless to say, it's been very hard trying to let him go.

I went through the same feelings of shock as you. I felt like I was almost having a panic attack a few times at first. I was in denial that it was really over. I kept asking him why because I didn't understand. And I kept blaming myself thinking if I didn't or did do "x,y,and z" he would have stayed.

**** that.

Now I'm in a stage of feeling immense anger and rage. Which is more empowering in a way and I'm directing the blame at him instead of just at me now. I'm furious that for the last few months or so of our relationship, he was kind of hanging out with her and got mad at me for worrying she was a threat to our relationship... I should have known she already was. He initially broke up with me when he first met her because it was a signal to him that something wasn't being met in our relationship. But then he came back just a few days later saying he made a mistake. A month or so later, out of mistrust and a feeling of something being "off" I checked his phone and saw that he hung out with her one night (the same night he told be he couldn't see me because of other things) and he was flirting with her through text. I was incredibly upset and broke up with him because I wasn't going to deal with that. Then, a week or so later, he wanted to get back together and I don't know how it happened, but we somehow slipped back into a relationship... Only to have him break up with me a few weeks later! Ugh! And he never said it was to be with this other woman and during the past few months, I always thought I was over-reacting for worrying about her, but now he's starting to date her! I don't think I've ever been so mad at someone. Or have felt so much hatred towards someone for hurting me so deeply.

I know forgiveness is something I will need to do in the future, for my own sake mostly. But right now I am owning my anger and it doesn't need any justification.

 

I'm not sure where you are at in your post-being-broken-up-with-for someone-else process, but maybe you'll go through a similar feeling after letting go of shock, denial, hope or self-blame. He made the decision to leave you, For another person! It just feels like such a betrayal.

 

My heart goes out to you and what you're going through.

I know it feels like the worse thing ever. And it feels like someone has just died. I'm still fresh out of my relationship and would have a really difficult time not taking him back if he asked and worked for it. I understand being afraid of rejection again, or, closing the door on what might be reconciliation.

 

You ARE strong. Really. Break-ups are one of life's hardest things to go through. You kinda of have a triple whammy with it being your first love and him leaving with another girl. It's like a rights of passage you are going through. It takes STRENGTH. And you are here, sharing your story, finding ways to cope... amazing. It WILL definitely get better, I promise.

 

Listen to yourself, your desires, your needs. Own them and know you deserve them. Raise your standards! You deserve someone who loves you and wants to commit to you and only you! Who won't dump you for another person. This is the lesson I am learning. And although it's a painful learning process, I now know what I DON'T want in a relationship and what I do.

 

Remember, you're a beautiful and awesome lady that's not going to settle for less than what you want/deserve. I hope that you can feel empowered through all of this.

 

I'm also concerned about the medication you are taking. There are other more natural alternatives such as b-vitamins, GABA, 5-htp, Tulsi, adaptogenic herbs such as ashwaganda, rhodiola. They are much healthier and are very effective. Especially combined with other stress/anxiety reducing activities like yoga or meditation. Self-care is a wonderful way to love yourself. And that's what you gotta do, especially right now. You have to be your own lover first.

 

Let me know if you need anything else. Stay strong. Things always change, it's impossible to feel this way forever.

 

In solidarity of moving on,

Jade

 

 

Hi Jade!!

 

We share a similar situation. We're the "crazy" ones, or the "clingy" ones when we KNOW something is up. You knew something was going on with this girl, I did too.

 

We just know. I don't know how, but we KNOW. I remember when he broke up with me, that I told him "now what? are you going to be her boyfriend?" and he told me "I don't know, you lost me, so I don't know". I couldn't believe it.

 

I'm not on the anger mode yet, but I want it sooooooo bad. I need that to happen. I need the rage and anger. It's easier that way!!!!!!

 

My psychologist it's keeping an eye on me (tomorrow I have an appointment!!), but you know, she has told me that I do suffer from depression and that we will work to avoid meds. But I don't know. I want to zone out and escape reality. Those meds keep me asleep the whole day. The anxiety meds really helps me. Yesterday I went to the Tattoo Studio (I wanted a swan tattoo, and I did it! It's small, beautiful!), and I had to go by his metro station. I couldn't avoid it, and I had an axiety attack, but lucky me, my sister was with me and she took my hand and started to talk to me about other stuff.

 

When did he break up with you? How are you coping? Are you in NC? I'm in NC right now, 20 days!!!!! Isnt' that awesome?? I intend to keep it! I know he wants to talk to me, but now I have the power to decide when that will happen (IF that happens...).

 

At least his new girl stopped bothering me (after I deleted all my accounts and made new ones!!). I guess she found me through our tagged pictures. I deleted everything. Everything!

 

I don't know. I'm struggling to keep my NC, but this time it's easier because I'm NOT waiting for him to contact me, because I was the one to ask to him to stop contacting me

 

Lots of hugs for you, Jade (btw, if that's your real name, girl, you are lucky. Such a gorgeous name!!! You must be a precious and golden person, that jerk is gonna regret dumping you, someday. You will see).

[toastytiger]

We share a similar situation. We're the "crazy" ones, or the "clingy" ones when we KNOW something is up. You knew something was going on with this girl, I did too.

 

We just know. I don't know how, but we KNOW. I remember when he broke up with me, that I told him "now what? are you going to be her boyfriend?" and he told me "I don't know, you lost me, so I don't know". I couldn't believe it.

 

Yeah, I'm having a hard time not blaming myself for being "psychotic" or "overreacting". I sometimes fall into thinking it was my fault and he would have stayed if I didn't get so upset. It really feels unfair that they would make us feel guilty for wanting to feel safe and wanted in the relationship. I think they're just afraid, confused and don't know how to handle the situation.

Yes, your intuition is right on! And this was proof that it's something that you can listen to and trust!

 

I'm not on the anger mode yet, but I want it sooooooo bad. I need that to happen. I need the rage and anger. It's easier that way!!!!!!

Comes in waves. Sometimes I still revert to feeling shocked and in denial. Or I get waves of massive despair. Anger has many faces, and after reading some of your posts, I think you may have some It can look something like feeling it was "unfair" or "how could he do this to me" like "wtf? I gave you my heart and now this"

 

My psychologist it's keeping an eye on me (tomorrow I have an appointment!!), but you know, she has told me that I do suffer from depression and that we will work to avoid meds. But I don't know. I want to zone out and escape reality. Those meds keep me asleep the whole day. The anxiety meds really helps me. Yesterday I went to the Tattoo Studio (I wanted a swan tattoo, and I did it! It's small, beautiful!), and I had to go by his metro station. I couldn't avoid it, and I had an axiety attack, but lucky me, my sister was with me and she took my hand and started to talk to me about other stuff.

Congratulations on your tattoo, sounds awesome!

Hmm, well, I suppose I have strong opinions on mainstream medicine versus alternative medicine. Have you tried seeing a naturopathic doctor? In any case, if you feel that it is helping you, that's great.

 

When did he break up with you? How are you coping? Are you in NC? I'm in NC right now, 20 days!!!!! Isnt' that awesome?? I intend to keep it! I know he wants to talk to me, but now I have the power to decide when that will happen (IF that happens...).

He broke up with me a month ago. So hard to accept. I don't want it to be over, but I don't think I could take him back after all I've been through. I just have to learn to let go.

I'm coping by making art, talking with friends, being around positive people, keeping busy, exercising, seeing a therapist I work well with, taking care of myself so I feel confident and beautiful (instead of rejected by my ex). I also had a really great moment of surrender the other day -- I realized I kept trying to control how fast I move on, control how I heal, analyze what went wrong, resisting the pain, resisting the whole thing in general -- It was soo liberating to just GIVE UP control. Another way to cope is to try to date? Might be too fresh to do that for you, I don't know. Or you could simply develop a crush on someone withtout acting on it. There is someone who I recently found I'm genuinely attracted to and although I'm not quite ready to iniate a new relationship, just knowing I have the capability to actually like someone else and that it's possible to see myself with another person helps.

 

I'm doing NC for the most part. It's been a week and a half since we last spent time together (breaking up was drawn out for us) And while I'm choosing not to contact him, I won't ignore him if he contact me. I'll just reply with very short answers if necessary. I did run into him at a mutual friend's gathering last night and that was weird. I didn't know how to act around someone who hurt me so much, so I avoided him, kept conversation short. I even had to simply walk away mid-convo with him and a third person. He left super early - I think he sensed the awkwardness. Ugh, it really helps to keep them out of sight and out of mind. Seeing him re-stimulated so much. The week before, I saw him with that other woman - That was rough. Cried liked crazy afterwards.

 

20 days is a long time! Great job! It really sounds like you're holdin it down and reclaiming your power to make decisions in how you relate (or don't relate) to him. it sounds like you are respecting yourself and your boundaries. Has he been trying to contact you and you are just ignoring his attempts? And is he still with the other person?

NC is hard... Every day feels long when you don't hear a peep from someone who's life you use to be immersed in. So, kudos to you.

Continuing to wish you the best in moving forward. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk or anything. Happy to be of support/share experiences as we have a similar thing going on!

[TheSwanGirl]

Jade, you're a really strong girl. Just a month since the BU and you're already having this rage that will help you.

 

Believe me, after what happened this week (I will explain later), I KNOW IT WASN'T MY FAULT. It wasn't YOUR fault. He HAD secrets, he didn't make you feel safe in the relationship, he made YOU have doubts. YOU'RE NOT PSYCHO FOR WANTING TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

They play that card so they're the "victims". Nothing you could do would revert this situation. If it wasn't this girl, would be ANY other girl.

 

EVERYONE, READ THIS. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT.

 

So let's see. Last monday I (GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY) checked her Instagram. I always KNEW and TOLD myself: "be prepared, because one day she will post a picture of them both". I'm like pythoness. THAT SAME DAY she posted a picture of them both with this caption: "We love each other. #Ilovemababy #lovelovelove #weareinlove". Past me was thinking that I would freak out and end up with a major panic/anxiety attack in the hospital.

 

Guess what???? GUESS WHAT.

 

NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. I don't know why, but NOTHING happened. I felt nothing. At first, I shivered. But then it all went away. The good memories, the good feelings, the "I'm still in love with him", "I still love him", "I won't be over him ever". It was like I was alone in a room (our relationship) that was in the dark, except from one light: a little light bulb that I was carrying. When I saw the picture, I just felt like I was smashing the last light bulb, leaving the room in the dark. I grabbed the door and I left, closing the door, to never open it again. That was the feeling. Leaving an empty room, with all the furnitures already covered in blankets, already in shadows. But I had this light bulb (hope). And I was the one to finally smash that light bulb, close the door and never look back.

 

It also felt like I was holding a sinking boat by a rope, that was burning my hands. And I let go. I let that boat touch the bottom of the ocean.

 

This is what I can tell you. I have wounds, and they're not closed yet, but they're HEALING. It was like a revelation. It's been almost a week since that photo and it only made me feel like I was able to move on, finally.

 

I told myself "you're going to contact him in a month". You know what? Now I won't. It's been a fantastic week. I haven't cried. I'm smiling, listening to loud music, dancing on my own, doing the things that I want. I don't know if I'm going to have a downfall again, but right now guys? Right now I couldn't thank you enough for all the good advices. And I couldn't feel better about myself. This guy lied to me, broke my confidence, my trust in people. Broke every single promise he ever made. This guy is a BOY, not a man. I don't want him back. I don't want to be his friend. I don't even want to get in touch. I just want to learn who I am, what I want and what I don't want. I want to LIVE. And it's been 6 days since I'm LIVING. I have suffered SO MUCH for four months. Perhaps more. I should had broken up with him back in november, but I didn't. He fooled me again.

 

He's calling me, he tells me things like "No one knows me like you" (he told me this on sunday, I blocked him without answering him, and the next day, boom! The picture that changed my life, the one that helped me to move foward).

 

I've been in the hospital twice, I'm on therapy, I've been hurting every single day, I've been crying since he left me, I've been a mess, I've lost a lot of weight, I've been on a destructive path. I've been enduring a pain I didn't know I could. And I know it's soon to finally say "I'm over it". But I really DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

 

I hope this gives you HOPE. I've been realizing what he did to me. Everything. There is a way out. There is HOPE. There is wanting to jump back on the train of life. Guys, believe me. I know you're heart broken, I am too. But you WILL REALIZE you deserve SO MUCH BETTER: you deserve to be happy with the person that loves you the most. That won't fail you: YOU. You are this person. You're your best friend. This is my break over. I'm going to fight and I'm going to win.

 

Write to me if you need anything.

 

I will be around reading your stories, but our story? (Me and my ex) Our story is over. This new book is about me. The day he left? It was just the beggining of my own journey, the journey to discover and fall in love with myself.

[TheSwanGirl]

EVERYONE, READ THIS. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT.

 

 

So let's see: my ex left me for someone else after five years together, almost four months ago. And I want you to read this. This is not about our exes, this will be ABOUT YOU, about ME.

 

Last monday I (GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY) stalked her Instagram. I always KNEW and TOLD myself: "be prepared, because one day she will post a picture of them both". I'm like pythoness. THAT SAME DAY she posted a picture of them both with this caption: "We love each other. #Ilovemababy #lovelovelove #weareinlove". Past me was thinking that when I finally see a photo of them both I would freak out and end up with a major panic/anxiety attack in the hospital.

 

Guess what???? GUESS WHAT.

 

NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. I don't know why, but NOTHING happened. I felt nothing. At first, I shivered. But then it all went away. The good memories, the good feelings, the "I'm still in love with him", "I still love him", "I won't be over him live... ever". It was like I was alone in a room (our relationship) that was in the dark, except from one light: a little light bulb that I was carrying. When I saw the picture, I just felt like I was smashing the last light bulb, leaving the room in the dark. I grabbed the door and I left, closing the door, to never open it again. That was the feeling. Leaving an empty room, with all the furnitures already covered in blankets, already in shadows. But I had this light bulb (hope). And I was the one to finally smash that light bulb, close the door and never look back.

 

It also felt like I was holding a sinking boat by a rope, that was burning my hands. And I let it go. I let that boat touch the bottom of the ocean.

 

This is what I can tell you. I have wounds, and they're not closed yet, but they're HEALING. They're not bleading anymore. These kind of wounds... well, they last. But this was like a revelation. It's been almost a week since that photo and it only made me feel like I was able to move on, finally.

 

I told myself "you're going to contact him in a month". You know what? Now I won't. It's been a fantastic week. I haven't cried. I'm smiling, listening to loud music, dancing on my own, doing the things that I want, focusing on my job and in my driving lessons. I don't know if I'm going to have a downfall again, but right now guys? Right now I couldn't thank you enough for all the good advices (sometimes they hurt, but YOU WERE RIGHT). And I couldn't feel better about myself. This guy lied to me, broke my confidence, my trust in people. Broke every single promise he ever made (if you haven't read my story, he was my first love -even my first kiss-). This guy is a BOY, not a man (even though he's almost 26). I don't want him back. I don't want to be his friend. I don't even want to get in touch with him. I just want to learn who I am, what I want and what I don't want. I want to LIVE. And it's been 6 days since I'm LIVING. I have suffered SO MUCH for four months. Perhaps more... I should have broken up with him back in november, but I didn't. He fooled me again.

 

He's calling me, he texts me things like "No one knows me like you, please I need to talk to you" (he told me this on sunday, I blocked him without answering him, and the next day, boom! The picture that changed my life, the one that helped me to move forward).

 

I've been in the hospital twice (due to anxiety attacks), I'm on therapy, I've been hurting every single day, I've been crying since he left me, I've been a mess, I've lost a lot of weight, I've been on a destructive path. I've been enduring a pain I didn't know I could. And I know it's soon to finally say "I'm over it". But I really DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

 

I want this to give you HOPE. I've been realizing what he did to me. Everything. There is a way out. There is HOPE. There is a wanting to jump back on the train of life. Guys, believe me. I know you're heart broken, I am too. But you WILL REALIZE you deserve SO MUCH BETTER: you deserve to be happy with the person that loves you the most. That won't fail you: YOU. You are this person. You're your best friend. This is my break over. I'm going to fight and I'm going to win. You will fight, you won't give up. You will be happier, healthier, you WILL WIN. One day at a time. But please, do me a favor... Take off the love glasses. Right now? Right now you think he/she are the best thing ever. You only remember the good times... It may take you a splash of reality in your face to take them off (like me. Even after he cheated and left me for her, I still wanted him back, I still had hope), but believe me... You're not broken. One day you will wake up from this reality you're living, and you will know the truth: that you're your priority. That a relationship doesn't have to define you. That your PAST won't define WHO YOU ARE now, or who you'll become.

 

Write to me if you need anything.

 

I will be around reading your stories, but our story? (Me and my ex) Our story is over. This new book is about me. The day he left? It was just the beggining of my own journey, the journey to discover and fall in love with myself. Please, take care.

[keiji]

I'm happy to say I'm on the same boat as you. I think it's important to keep writing here and sharing our experiences when we're doing better, when the storm has passed, so those who start the grueling path towards healing see, as you said, that there's hope. Indeed there is. I remember someone told me just four months ago when me and my ex-g finally said goodbye: "Start working on yourself, on your future. You'll love it when you get there". The guy was absolutely right. That future is my present, and I love my present, a present that I couldn't even begin to imagine just in late January.

 

Keep working on yourself. It seems you turned a corner, and a very important one at that.

 

Hugs!

[juniorrocha]

Today is my 11st day of NC and I'm already starting to smash that light bulb of hope. I only gave myself 4 days of suffering, because I wanted to force myself out of this situation. My ex definitely wasn't the best I could get, yet I went through so much of her sht just because I was blind wanting our relationship to work no matter what. She was my first love as well.

 

I also lost a lot of weight, I keep losing even though I'm working out again. But I'm sure that's a phase and eventually I'll get where I want. I still think of her everyday, it's still recent, but each day that goes by, it's a day that I realize even more that it was for the best.

 

Btw, last night she went to a party with her friends and one of these friends posted a picture with her. I saw it unpurposely, my heart jumped a bit, but I unfollowed her friend as well and done. I don't know, she's attractive to me, but something inside felt a little indifferent. Guess I'm making progress.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, it sure is inspiring. Lately I've been very happy working on my own stuff and not having to worry about her, even though I have to admit that I miss our good times. But it's okay, everything in time. I'm sure someone better will come along.

[Darkeyy]

Very proud of you Swan! you're doing really well and your post will help give perspective to a lot of people!

 

I'd suggest you don't look at their social media anymore at all. Not your concern.

You came to the conclusion you can go without him so you don't need to know anything about them.

 

I've had a similar situation like you (she left me after 5 years for someone else) It hurt, and i also thought i wanted her back in the beginning..But i also came to the conclusion i don't need her in my life.

Realised she's the one with problems. She made the choice not to stay in the relationship or talk about whatever problems she thinks we had.

 

Trying to get yourself together and moving on is the best thing/revenge you can do/get!

I'm happy for you that you're at the stage where you are now and all i can say, keep going girl!

 

Take care and keep pushing forward.

I'll do the same.

[teenyfish]

That is so awesome! Congrats!

 

I'm going through almost the same exact situation with you (my ex & the girl are not together yet though, but I'm expecting it). I know it will hurt when it happens, but I'm getting ready for it. It's only been 3 weeks and I'm at the point where I don't want him back at all, and I know he is awful for me and a weak person. Hopefully in 4 months I will be where you are!

[bummer]

Thanks for a really powerful post.

 

Amazing how something you thought would task you down actually made you stronger? For me, finding out about the other guy smashed the last bulb of false hope for good.

[TheSwanGirl]

I'm so happy for you guys!!!!!! You will get where I am!!!!!!! I promise

 

Yeah, I stopped stalking, I don't need that in my life anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm going to post how I feel so I can encourage some people, and give them hope.

[Trinity_84]

Congratulations, it's always good to read happy threads.

 

My relationship ended 3 months ago and we have been NC (texted e/o once since, halfway through the 3 month mark) and I honestly feel that I am getting over it quicker than I thought I would.

 

Today I even thought to myself, maybe I didn't love my ex as much as I thought? Or maybe I am just a bit more mature than before and taking all the positives out of the relationship and working on myself loads.

 

This weekend I was at a wedding and I missed having a steady dance partner. I realized I miss what my ex represented/meant in my life, not them. I guess I now realize something I want in a future partner (someone who will dance with me!)

 

It's been a good 3 months. Traveling, writing/reading LS and seeing a therapist has been working great. I am also reading a book called The Power of Now and I recommend it. It's fantastic!

[TheSwanGirl]

Congratulations, it's always good to read happy threads.

 

My relationship ended 3 months ago and we have been NC (texted e/o once since, halfway through the 3 month mark) and I honestly feel that I am getting over it quicker than I thought I would.

 

Today I even thought to myself, maybe I didn't love my ex as much as I thought? Or maybe I am just a bit more mature than before and taking all the positives out of the relationship and working on myself loads.

 

This weekend I was at a wedding and I missed having a steady dance partner. I realized I miss what my ex represented/meant in my life, not them. I guess I now realize something I want in a future partner (someone who will dance with me!)

 

It's been a good 3 months. Traveling, writing/reading LS and seeing a therapist has been working great. I am also reading a book called The Power of Now and I recommend it. It's fantastic!

 

This is so beautiful, you just want someone who will dance with you. And you will find a dance partner, I promise. Therapists are THE BEST. When you're going to therapy, the process definetly shortens like a year. What it may take us 1 years to overcome, we do it in less time when you seek help in therapy.

 

Yeah, I kinda think that way too: I miss what the relationship represents, but honestly, I haven't cried in more than 10 days. How are you doing, honey?

 

Lot of hugs.

[TheSwanGirl]

I still want to write here, like a diary where I put my feelings and, perhaps, help someone!

 

Well, I stalked them (I'm stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and I am NOT in love with him anymore, I don't love him anymore. It just hurts how quickly I was replaced... Ireland was "our" place to go (we went on September), and I called him "redhead" and "freckles"... And you know what? They're going to Ireland and she calls him "redhead" and "freckles". They've been together for 5 months now, and they're "engaged".

 

I mean. They say the same stuff, they DO the same stuff, it's like he's erasing all my memories by puting her on every single place I touched. It feels like a slap in the face. After five years, he didn't give a single damn thing, and he's doing EVERYTHING he did with me, even saying the SAME things... She has the same wrist tattoo that I have (akward), and all that. But I do really get a good laugh out of this, it's so lame and pathetic. He's recreating our past relationship with her. Even taking her to Ireland...

 

I don't know. It's like I've never been with this person. It's like he completely forgot about me.

 

It's been more than 40 days NC, and 2 days since I don't stalk them. I decided that I won't do it anymore, and I have discovered that I'm very good at keeping the promises that I do to myself.

 

But, if I see the bigger picture, I have improved a lot. I feel better, I feel alive again. I want to live.

 

Thank you, LS, for hearing me and giving me great advices.

 

BOOK: "It's called a break up because it's broken". Read it. I already read it 3 times, this is the 4.

[toastytiger]

I still want to write here, like a diary where I put my feelings and, perhaps, help someone!

 

Well, I stalked them (I'm stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and I am NOT in love with him anymore, I don't love him anymore. It just hurts how quickly I was replaced... Ireland was "our" place to go (we went on September), and I called him "redhead" and "freckles"... And you know what? They're going to Ireland and she calls him "redhead" and "freckles". They've been together for 5 months now, and they're "engaged".

 

I mean. They say the same stuff, they DO the same stuff, it's like he's erasing all my memories by puting her on every single place I touched. It feels like a slap in the face. After five years, he didn't give a single damn thing, and he's doing EVERYTHING he did with me, even saying the SAME things... She has the same wrist tattoo that I have (akward), and all that. But I do really get a good laugh out of this, it's so lame and pathetic. He's recreating our past relationship with her. Even taking her to Ireland...

 

I don't know. It's like I've never been with this person. It's like he completely forgot about me.

 

It's been more than 40 days NC, and 2 days since I don't stalk them. I decided that I won't do it anymore, and I have discovered that I'm very good at keeping the promises that I do to myself.

 

But, if I see the bigger picture, I have improved a lot. I feel better, I feel alive again. I want to live.

 

Thank you, LS, for hearing me and giving me great advices.

 

BOOK: "It's called a break up because it's broken". Read it. I already read it 3 times, this is the 4.

 

Glad to hear you are staying strong and doing so well swangirl!! Your initial post/story was the first that I read on LS since it came up while I was searching something similar to my situation.

Feeling replaced can sting a bit, I feel ya. The new woman my ex is with looks a lot like me, only older. It does seem pretty silly that your ex's new relationship is so similar to the one he had with you. But like you said, this is about YOU now. Not him. I support your commitment to no longer stalking them -- cause their relationship really doesn't matter, you have way better things to think about!

 

I'm in a similar position now of feeling more myself and more alive overall. It is a blessing in disguise (a really good disguise)

It's been almost two months since the break-up, 7 days NC, and extremely minimal contact for 5 weeks. I've been completely out of the stages of despair, rage, depression, & anxiety for a while now. He still crosses my mind everyday and I still have moments of missing him, but I know now that I only miss the idea of him/the idea of love. I was holding on to a toxic relationship -- was too blinded to see how much it wasn't serving me at the time. But now I'm free and everyday is getting brighter and brighter. Considering all that's happened, I feel like I'm moving on pretty quickly actually, it's great!!

 

My friend who is also healing from a break-up highly recommended that same book.. Maybe I should just go ahead and get a copy!