Commitment phobic ex broke it off - struggling to cope

[Bumble82]

Hey,

I'm new here but wanted to share my story and hopefully chat to some people who've been through similar experiences... My closest friends are amazing, but have never dealt with a bad breakup, so just don't understand.

 

I'll try and keep it brief... I was introduced to my ex through my best friend (he's her boyfriends best friend. He's always been a free spirit but wanted a girlfriend and future with a family... So we met, fell in love etc... Then he gets offered a job in the states (we're both from the UK). The job was for a year and he asked me to go with him. We'd been together around 7 months at this point, and he was due to start that job a few months later.

 

So basically I then quit my job and joined him out there 2.5 months after he went, so we were long distance for that amount of time. I moved there a few days before our year anniversary.

 

Cut to 2.5 months later and he tells me out of the blue that something is missing, and whilst he was 100% about us before (he wouldn't have asked me go with him if he wasn't) and he doesn't know what to do. He was voicing concerns about the future, what if we have a kid one day and break up in 5 years time because it doesn't work, what if one day I fall out of love with him... Etc. I should note, our relationship was great and very happy and not at all dramatic. Although I had expressed annoyance when moving to the states, when I found out he was smoking weed every evening, as I wasn't happy about that. I always knew he smoked it, but every day was a bit much to me.

 

I was due to leave to spend a month in the UK a week later, so he said he needed that time to think. Obviously I was devastated. Anyway after having a very emotional goodbye at the airport, we both cried, and emotional texts afterwards, I initiated limited contact while I was back home so he had space to think.

 

Around two weeks later I called him one night and asked how he was feeling, and he told me he thinks he just loves me a friend now, even though he still loves me to pieces, and doesn't love me enough to continue in the relationship. I had to basically pull the words out of him, but he ended it. Obviously I was devastated and this was all over the phone.

 

Anyway I had my return flight booked to go back, so I still went and we met up and said goodbye in person. We both spent the entire evening crying off and on, comforting each other. But we also managed to have lighter moments, and laugh together, and we both said neither of us had been like that the whole time we'd been apart. He wants us to stay friends and in touch, but I told him I can't do that because it will hurt me too much. He seemed to be clinging to the idea that I'll change my mind, and kept asking me to

Keep him updated on my travels etc. He was so emotional and kept telling me how amazing he thinks I am, how happy I've made him and that I deserve all the love in the world, but he can't give me that now, and he doesn't know why. He had no reason to lose his feelings, and had no idea why they went. He said I hadn't changed or anything.

 

Anyway, it's been 6 weeks since that evening and I initiated NC straight away. He text me the next night as I was flying to NYC and said to travel safe, and that he'd miss me and he want me to take in all the adventures and smile. I didn't reply.

 

We have mutual friends, and a week ago he reached out to two of them (a couple) and asked after me and said it was really hard not speaking to me, but he still thinks he did the right thing. This is something he's repeated to me and them, almost like he's trying to convince himself, I don't doubt he feels that way, but he is someone who needs to be told he's done the right thing when he feels bad.

 

When he broke it off, all his friends said its because he's a commitment phobe and I agreed, but didn't really realise it until I read Men who can't love and He's scared, she's scared and it makes so much sense now... He doesn't commit in any areas of his life... Always travelling, always moving around...

 

I've been travelling around the states for the last 6 weeks and trying to heal my heart, but I'm now returning home and absolutely dreading having to start over again. I need to find a new job and start a new life somewhere, as he's so closely connected to my friendship group where I lived before and it would be too hard to go back to that life without him.

 

I'm just dreading it all, and I'm so scared and heartbroken and I feel like I can't vent to my friends as its been nearly 2 months now and I don't feel any better.

 

If any of you have been through similar, or are going through similar, I'd really appreciate some words of wisdom or support!

 

I'm hoping he comes around and this all goes right, but that's not something I'm actively waiting for, as I know it's a long shot and will only prevent me feeling better...

[preraph]

Anyone who has any type of addiction, yes, even pot or alcohol, doesn't usually mature at a normal rate. I wouldn't say that of someone who didn't do it every day for pot, but he does, and that's indicative of deeper issues, probably masking some pain from childhood or something traumatic to be wanting to stay anesthetized constantly.

 

He simply isn't ready to settle down and nest and do all that and if it happens to him, it will probably be by accident, which is his fear, of course.

 

You don't want to have kids with a daily user of anything anyway. I have no issue with occasional use, but daily anything is dependency and indicates deeper problems they need to deal with.

[Bumble82]

Thanks so much for the reply Preraph. You're absolutely right on the pot, when I knew it was occasional I didn't have a problem, but every day was just not cool to me! He's apparently got right down since we broke up, so who knows if that will help him start to mature and change his ways commitment wise.

 

I've finally realised as much as I love him, and miss him so much the pain is ridiculous, I simply can't have someone like that in my life. If he ever changes his ways and comes back to try again, he'd have to prove those changes! Secretly hoping this could happen someday, but not holding out actual hope for it...

[preraph]

More likely he will double down on staying FUBAR'd now that he has to anesthetize the loss of his relationship. So you're not missing anything for quite some time. That's how he deals with everything, I imagine. I'm surprised he has a big job.

[KristyD]

Hi, I know this is no consolation to you (probably) but my commitment phobic guy broke up with me after 3 1/2 years, actually he had been voicing doubts for a while and we almost broke up once. So you are better off that he is out of the picture sooner rather than later, the longer you hang in there the more difficult it is to let things go... i've been in a lot of pain too ;(

[Bumble82]

Preraph - what does FUBAR'd mean? I'm not down with the lingo....

 

Kristy - I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It's just awful isn't it? It's so strange being home now, around all our mutual friends (all couples too - but not me and my ex now) and I know they've spoken to him, so I know he's struggling and wants to come home but can't because of a contract, and I know he's been asking after me and saying it's hard not being in contact with me. Eurgh it's awful. It would be easier if our social circle here wasn't so tightly connected! Hence why I have to now find a new place to live it sucks so much.

[Bumble82]

I posted my full story before, but long story short my ex broke up with me while I was living with him in America (we're both from the UK) so I'm now back home without a job or home, as I left that all to join him there.

 

There wasn't any cheating, badness etc in the breakup... He's a lovely guy... He says he lost feelings for me, happened over the course of a few weeks, and ended it but seemed devastated to lose me as wanted to stay friends, which I obviously said no way to. He's clearly a commitment phobe, all his friends say that, just because he doesn't commit to anything in life.

 

Anyway, we are both part of a close friendship group, which includes two of my closest friends, so I know how he's doing and it's not good. He's reached out to them and said he's not ok. He's asked them if I want to hear from him yet, and how I am, and where I am etc... But he knows not to contact me as it won't help me move on.

 

I'm still so devatsted by the whole thing. I miss him so much, and I'm keeping to no contact (it's been nearly 8 weeks now) but I don't feel any better. I just feel depressed and tearful... And if I'm not crying, I'm numb.

 

I'm obviously hoping things can come right with him one day, and we could reconcile, but I know it's unhealthy to hold on to that hope in a real way and wait for or expect it. So I'm trying to start over and get a new job and place to live etc, but it'll take time, and right now I just feel so desperately sad and can't take much more of it.

 

I'm looking at starting counselling as soon as I can afford it, but coming here because I know so many of you know how this feels, and I just needed to vent.

[Bumble82]

After almost 2 months NC, I had to break it, which I really didn't want to do!

 

Long story short, I was living in the US with my ex and when I left after the break up I couldn't take all my things from the flat with me, as I was travelling around for a bit and didn't have the room. So I left my Dad's address for him to post the rest to.

 

Cut to 6 weeks later and I get back to the UK and my stuff hasn't arrived at my Dad's yet. Instead of contacting him myself, my friend (who is closely connected to him through her bf) messaged him to say I'm home now and could do with my things back. He let her know he hadn't sent it yet (classic commitment phobe behaviour right there, holding on to possessions) and would do soon.

 

So anyway, a letter arrives asking for customs charges to be paid for ALOT of money in order for it to be delivered, and I know it won't have been cheap to send either! It said I either pay the money and it will be delivered, or if I don't it will be sent back to the sender after 20 days. I couldn't pay the amount, so I was left with no choice but to contact him and let him know it will be sent back to him, and asking if he minds bringing it back when he comes back to the UK at Christmas, and that I will get a friend to come and collect it from him then. I kept it short and to the point, and emotion free. Anyway his response was trying to do the same (he hates texting at the best of times), but he said a few times he hopes I'm well, and he knows I don't want contact and he completely respects that, but that he just hopes I'm well. Obviously he addressed the issue too, and said he's happy to do either and offered to pay the cost to get it delivered to me.

 

I replied answering the practical questions and just said that it's not that I don't want contact, it's that I can't because I have to do what's right for me. I went on to say that it's still a lot to take in and deal with, especially being back in the UK (I have no job or home here now as I left both to live in the states with him - he got offered work there, he's from the UK too), and that I'm not going to lie and say I'm ok, but that there's no point elaborating either. I ended it with hope you're well.

 

His reply was what I thought it would be... He understands and he's so sorry and he just hopes I'm ok, he really wants me to be ok.... When I last saw him after the break up, he said 'Are you going to be ok, because if you'll be ok then I'll be ok'... ridiculous I know.

 

Anyway, we sorted the practical issue of my stuff in a few texts and my response to his sorries was just replying about him paying for my stuff to be delivered, I did't say anything else emotional.

 

Obviously I'm now upset... I haven't gotten past the constantly feeling upset stage anyway yet (just under 2.5 months post break up) but I have been keeping to NC. The annoying thing is we have vey close mutual friends, and so I know he hasn't been ok since we broke up, and has confided in a couple of our friends about not feeling right in general and wanting to come home. I guess my pathetic heart keeps hoping he'll change his mind. I'm not holding out for this actively in my life, I'm still job hunting and trying to find a place to live that suits me, and I know too that if he ever does decide he made a mistake it wouldn't hit him for months, as he has a lot of issues to face in my opinion (and his friends agree).

 

Anyways, I'm just really sad. It's so sad having to text someone you love that much, and have it be so formal and just devoid of love and the way it used to be you know? and I won't be texting again, as I'm sure that's the practical stuff sorted now, and I always resist messaging when I get an urge to say something either sentimental or angry (when my mood goes that way!).

 

It just sucks doesn't it? It really really sucks, and it's so unfair. I've lost the love of my life and I just don't know how I'm going to be ok again. I know I'll be better at some point, but I just think this one has cut so deep that I won't ever be the same again, you know?

[preraph]

Preraph - what does FUBAR'd mean? I'm not down with the lingo....

 

Kristy - I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It's just awful isn't it? It's so strange being home now, around all our mutual friends (all couples too - but not me and my ex now) and I know they've spoken to him, so I know he's struggling and wants to come home but can't because of a contract, and I know he's been asking after me and saying it's hard not being in contact with me. Eurgh it's awful. It would be easier if our social circle here wasn't so tightly connected! Hence why I have to now find a new place to live it sucks so much.

 

Old hippie lingo. Can't translate it here, but the last part is "beyond all recognition"

[Bumble82]

Old hippie lingo. Can't translate it here, but the last part is "beyond all recognition"

 

Gotcha! and yep, you're probably about right on that one!

[Bumble82]

I found out as we're part of a group of friends, and it was via one of the girls whose friend saw him pop up on hers, when he was back in the country briefly.

 

I KNOW I have no right to be angry, he single and it's been 6 months, but just the other week he was sobbing to my friend because of how bad he feels for what he did to me, and how much he hurt me (he broke it off after I moved to the US from the UK with him, and I had to come back to no job or home and a shattered heart, and I've only JUST got a flat and a new job).... I'm just absolutely devastated by the fact that he wants to meet other girls :'(

 

I know he used it before we were together, and only ever went for drinks and in his words 'met some nice people' but he didn't even sleep with them - he isn't actually a sleep around guy... but all the same, I'm just upset by this, at how easily he can do that now. I guess I just thought from how much he loved me when we were together and the things he said when we broke up, that I'd be harder to get over than that

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? I know there's nothing I can do.... I've been in NC the whole time (other than when we've had to sort out the 'business side' of the break up), he's off my social media and I've just started counselling to try and get better... but I'm just so sad, and I start a new job tomorrow and fake smiling is so exhausting....

Edited January 3, 2017 by Bumble82

[stillafool]

He probably is sorry for hurting you. No one wants to be responsible for causing others pain even if they are doing it in their own best interest. I don't think there is anything wrong with starting back dating after 6 months. That is long enough to grieve and move on.

[Bumble82]

I know... what hurts also though is that it contradicts everything he said to me during the break up, and his reasons etc. He couldn't say enough lovely things about me, and that he'll always love me, and the problem lies totally with him and that he didn't even know why he felt his feelings for me fade. Basically he said it was all his problem and he can't return the amount of love he receives, and he KNOWS how much he hurt me, and I'm just so gutted that he would just get back out there instead of trying to fix what's messed up in him.

 

But I know I can't control what he does with his life, and it's no longer my problem.

 

It just really really f**king hurts. I can't help but sit here thinking I wasn't enough, if he's out there looking for someone new

 

Having mutual friends with a very important ex really sucks. I didn't need to know this at all.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry about what happened and I'm sure he is genuinely sad about hurting you. It is six months since you were together though and he obviously feels he can move on. Maybe you do not feel the same about yourself. It is always a shock when you see an ex anywhere and especially on some sort of dating site/app. If you have been especially hurt by this relationship (and it sounds as if you have had more than a break-up to contend with, but home, job, everything) then you are bound to feel raw and shocked.

 

You need to focus on yourself and your own happiness now and forget about what he's doing. Make new friends if you can, go to new placed, cross paths with new people and opportunities for fun and possible new relationships will build your confidence. You have so much to offer the right guy, keep moving onwards. x

[umirano]

Congratulations on the new job! It's going to get better, believe me. Six months is a long time, and you're further in the healing process than you think.

[KatZee]

You just really have to focus on yourself. Get out there. Get a new group of friends since yours are so connected to him. Get into some new hobbies. Exercise. I know how crappy it is to have been with a commitment phobe. I just closed the door on mine. It sucks. But these people don't change, so don't hold out any hope of it changing.

 

Check out a few self help books. I've found: Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, and The Commitment Phobe, It's not You, it's HIM to be highly helpful in understanding these guys.

[Bumble82]

Thank you so much for the replies everyone... It really does help to hear supportive words from people who've been through it too x