Did I Shoot Myself in the Foot?

[LightningStrike]

I'd been chatting with a guy via text for several months after finding each other online. Attraction and chemistry were there and I could definitely tell he was interested. He lives close to five hours away but suggested a long time ago that we should meet half-way for dinner sometime. We never made official plans until the weekend of July 4th, which was also my birthday weekend. We had been texting every two to three days until it came close to time for us to meet up and he went MIA. No replies to my messages whatsoever. A couple of weeks went by and I told him that I was no longer angry and wanted to know what happened that made him disappear. He went on to explain how he had gotten out of a six year relationship only five months prior and "I thought I was ready but clearly I'm not." Ok...I told him I understood but I wish he had still told me the situation from the beginning. He agreed and apologized.

 

About a month ago I made a spontaneous trip to the city where he lives. We met up for dinner the first night and things seemed great. He text me when he got home to say he had a nice time and asked if I was interested in meeting up again the following evening. I agreed and we said goodnight. He text me the next day to confirm plans and we met up for drinks that night. Conversation was great, we ended up taking a walk on the beach and he kissed me. In that moment he again apologized for the disappearing act. We said our goodbyes again and he said he wanted to come to my city after the summer when work slowed down. (He has his own business working seven days per week.)

 

We began talking almost every day. He would initiate some texts but mostly it was me. As time went on it was always me initiating but he would always reply, almost instantly and we would talk back and forth for hours. We talked about his situation with his ex and he admitted he was still very much trying to get past it but that he didn't want me to think I was being led on, either, and if anything upset me, he wanted me to let him know. I told him I understood but I ended up acting as if I didn't...

 

About two weeks ago I sent him a text saying that something did upset me...he didn't initiate contact like he used to. I told him I appreciated that he always replies to my messages but that I felt like I was doing all the work. That's when everything changed and he went MIA again. He wouldn't answer any message whatsoever and it drove me insane. Being ignored is one of my biggest pet peeves. Naturally, I was upset, and began angrily texting him demanding an answer as to what went wrong. He was in total avoidance mode. I sent him one last message saying I was sorry for getting on his case and being so upset and that everyone makes mistakes. He replied saying that it was okay and no big deal but that he was stressed and just needed some space.

 

I tried my best to give him space but my insecurities took hold and I demanded to know what happened to turn him away. Was it him or me? (I know, I know.) I made another trip to the city he lives for a last mini vacation before the summer ends because my work is about to become hectic. He still would not reply until after several more messages and said, "I'm not ready for any of this. This is too much." I asked him if he wanted to join me for dinner or a drink just as friends but he replied that he was super exhausted. This was so disappointing because I know if he really wanted to see me, he would have made an effort.

 

I know, the needy/clingy/uncool part of me let all the crazy out and I regret that so much. What stumped me was that if I asked him something like what was the name of a restaurant or how to do something in my car, he would answer. Wouldn't a guy who is "ghosting" and totally not interested anymore just continue to ignore me? If it were me on the receiving end, I wouldn't reply to any text whatsoever and would block him from being able to contact me at all. He has not done that to me but he no longer follows me on the site in which we first me.

 

I sent him one final message saying that I agreed he needed space and time to work through his issues and that I wanted him to be happy. That I hoped I was still available when he was ready but until then, I need someone who was 100% sure about me. He has not responded and I do not expect him to.

 

So my question is...did I completely blow it by acting so needy? Is there a way to redeem yourself after such behavior? Is he really not ready or is it just me?

[kendahke]

Ooh, girl, yes.

[CarrieT]

I'd been chatting with a guy via text for several months after finding each other online. Attraction and chemistry were there and I could definitely tell he was interested.

Here is the first big red flag. You are projecting attraction and chemistry on WORDS, which means your mind is filling in all the blanks that are absent when you don't meet in person. You couldn't tell he was interested at all. You believed he was interested in the potential of sex, but neither of you really know each other.

 

Wouldn't a guy who is "ghosting" and totally not interested anymore just continue to ignore me?

Not if he were married and looking for a diversion.

 

That I hoped I was still available when he was ready but until then, I need someone who was 100% sure about me. He has not responded and I do not expect him to.

Very needy, clingy, and passive-aggressive of you.

 

So my question is...did I completely blow it by acting so needy? Is there a way to redeem yourself after such behavior? Is he really not ready or is it just me?

I don't think you blew it. I think it was a failure from the get-go. Seriously, you gave up MONTHS of your time and effort with someone before finding out if he was actually available and all you had built up in your head? Again, I think he may be married or attached. But it is partly why it is better to meet someone sooner rather than later so that you don't go through all the angst you are experiencing now.

[LightningStrike]

I really don't believe he's married. Still stuck on his ex, sure. Our communication was very casual and sporadic up until a couple of months ago. You're right, I built it up in my head but that didn't begin until recently.

[kendahke]

I'd been chatting with a guy via text for several months after finding each other online. Attraction and chemistry were there and I could definitely tell he was interested.

 

This was all in your head--as it is with all of us who begin talking to someone we've never laid eyes upon in close proximity. It's easy to build up what we think is chemistry, but what it actually is is an artificial construct of who we want that person to be for us, not who they actually are.

 

He went on to explain how he had gotten out of a six year relationship only five months prior and "I thought I was ready but clearly I'm not." Ok...I told him I understood but I wish he had still told me the situation from the beginning. He agreed and apologized.

 

I'd have scaled back my interest upon hearing that news. He's not done with his ex--most likely, he's still seeing her and is still tapping into aspects of her. IOW, he's double-minded right now and "a double-minded person is unstable in all their ways".

 

he wanted me to let him know. I told him I understood but I ended up acting as if I didn't...

 

Why did you lie? Why did you pretend one thing when the truth was another?

 

About two weeks ago I sent him a text saying that something did upset me...he didn't initiate contact like he used to. I told him I appreciated that he always replies to my messages but that I felt like I was doing all the work. That's when everything changed and he went MIA again. He wouldn't answer any message whatsoever and it drove me insane. Being ignored is one of my biggest pet peeves. Naturally, I was upset, and began angrily texting him demanding an answer as to what went wrong. He was in total avoidance mode. I sent him one last message saying I was sorry for getting on his case and being so upset and that everyone makes mistakes. He replied saying that it was okay and no big deal but that he was stressed and just needed some space.

 

I tried my best to give him space but my insecurities took hold and I demanded to know what happened to turn him away. Was it him or me? (I know, I know.) I made another trip to the city he lives for a last mini vacation before the summer ends because my work is about to become hectic. He still would not reply until after several more messages and said, "I'm not ready for any of this. This is too much." I asked him if he wanted to join me for dinner or a drink just as friends but he replied that he was super exhausted. This was so disappointing because I know if he really wanted to see me, he would have made an effort.

 

after the summer when work slowed down. (He has his own business working seven days per week.)

 

You flipped into high maintenance mode with someone you knew wasn't over his ex and is too busy right now to focus on cultivating a new relationship. He wasn't going to make the effort until after summer when his job eased up. And you knew that because he told you.

 

I know, the needy/clingy/uncool part of me let all the crazy out and I regret that so much. What stumped me was that if I asked him something like what was the name of a restaurant or how to do something in my car, he would answer.

 

Answering a benign question isn't the same thing as being accountable to someone for one's actions, whereabouts and feelings.

 

 

Wouldn't a guy who is "ghosting" and totally not interested anymore just continue to ignore me? If it were me on the receiving end, I wouldn't reply to any text whatsoever and would block him from being able to contact me at all. He has not done that to me but he no longer follows me on the site in which we first me.

 

He may not feel he has to unzip the lizard... ...yet. Your antics are certainly pushing him in that direction.

 

I sent him one final message saying that I agreed he needed space and time to work through his issues and that I wanted him to be happy. That I hoped I was still available when he was ready but until then, I need someone who was 100% sure about me. He has not responded and I do not expect him to. So my question is...did I completely blow it by acting so needy? Is there a way to redeem yourself after such behavior? Is he really not ready or is it just me?

 

Yes. You so totally blew it. It's both most likely--he's not ready and it's you and how you behaved. Being needy with someone you barely know is a really, really bad look. It shows him what's in store if you don't get your way on something. Even if he was over his ex and his business was at manageable levels, this is probably more than what he wants to take on with a new girlfriend.

 

You might want to invest your focus on a therapist who can help you to get a grip on this because there are very, very few well adjusted, mentally/emotionally healthy men who are going to tolerate this.

[LightningStrike]

Why did you lie? Why did you pretend one thing when the truth was another?

 

I didn't lie. I thought I could be understanding at take things at a slower pace but it turned out I couldn't.

[angel.eyes]

Why have you wasted months of your life chasing after a guy who lives five hours away that you've only seen a few times...I think it was twice?

 

You live in a city, not a convent in a tiny village on a secluded hill in the middle of nowhere. Surely there must be men of dating age in your own city. Look for local men who are eager to date, consistent, and reliable about following through. That's the first step to successfully dating and entering relationships. Long-distance texting for months on end with little effort to meet is a recipe for disappointment and failure.

[angel.eyes]

Nailed it!

 

Here is the first big red flag. You are projecting attraction and chemistry on WORDS, which means your mind is filling in all the blanks that are absent when you don't meet in person. You couldn't tell he was interested at all. You believed he was interested in the potential of sex, but neither of you really know each other.

 

 

Not if he were married and looking for a diversion.

 

 

Very needy, clingy, and passive-aggressive of you.

 

 

I don't think you blew it. I think it was a failure from the get-go. Seriously, you gave up MONTHS of your time and effort with someone before finding out if he was actually available and all you had built up in your head? Again, I think he may be married or attached. But it is partly why it is better to meet someone sooner rather than later so that you don't go through all the angst you are experiencing now.