Breaking Up Over Wanting/Not Wanting Children

[marina123]

Hello all,

 

I just broke my BF's heart and I am not even sure what I have done to my life...

 

My BF and I met more than 3 years ago, he was 33, I was 27 and it was my first relationship. I told him then that I didn't want children. He, being an open-minded and sweet person, assumed it's my first relationship, what do I really know about life and what I want, I can change my mind...

 

8 months into the relationship we break up over personal/emotional issues we both had, but then 8 months later we got back together. We relocated to a different country to work and we moved in together. We lived together for 2 years. During that time, it was challenging, I was depressed and frustrated with my job, he was stressed out by his, we were not that happy together but chugged along...

 

During this whole time, he continued talking about children and wanting to be a father. I still felt I didn't want them, but beginning of this year I told myself I should change my mind, i should be more open to it, i should want them because it matters so much to him. That created a lot of emotional distress and turmoil for me. I felt very conflicted about having children and being a mother. I ignored the issue, I avoided it, I hoped my maternal instincts would kick in, I prayed they would, I hoped I would just wake up (now being 31) and want to be a mother...but to this day, I don't have that feeling and it kills me because I feel my BF is my best friend and my soulmate, if I could just make myself want what he does...

 

This morning we had a huge fight, and he said he wants clarity and direction. That's what I was afraid of, this question. He told me he wants a family with kids, I told him that I have no such desire in my heart, that i never had. That if I could force it, or make myself feel that or want that, I'd do it for him. Because he is a wonderful, sweet and good person and would be a great father.

 

He went to spend the night at a hotel. He is so angry and disappointed that after all this time and effort and investment we have come to this. I was a coward and selfish, I know, I should have come clean about it and addressed it months ago. Instead, I just avoided it, hoping something would change, that feelings would come. I was terrified of losing him. I know I've broken his heart, I know I've messed up terribly, and that I've hurt him out of fear and cowardice. He gave me the choice and I could have said, "Yes, I want children in the future" so that I could keep the relationship going and hoping that my maternal instincts would kick in. But saying that would have been a lie where I stand today, and I've already done enough damage.

 

Did I just make a huge mistake? Am I acting selfish and self-absorbed and immature? Should I just agree to a future with children because I love him and care for him?

 

Most of all, how can I make this better for him? I've acted like a complete ******* and I am not sure what I can do to make this better.

 

Thank you in advance for your input.

[Els]

If you are certain you don't want children, you did the right thing by saying what you did. Having kids is a lifelong decision, whereas unfortunately a relationship/marriage isn't always so. That is why you should NEVER have kids if you're certain you don't want them, not for anyone.

 

You did nothing wrong, especially given that you were forthcoming with him in the first place.

[central]

You did the right thing. You even told him early on that you don't want children. You've never told him otherwise. It was his arrogance that made him not believe you. You've given the issue all due consideration, and that's all you owe him. Better to end this now than give false hope that will only result in an even more difficult ending later.

 

 

He is young enough to find someone and have children, without any difficulty. If you wanted children and he did not, your timeframe would be much more limited - but that's not the case.

[BluesPower]

Marina,

 

 

First off, I am a guy, but please try listen to what I am saying. I am a father of 3 wonderful children and I cannot imaging life without them.

 

 

If you are TOTALY convinced that you do not want children, then you did the right thing. Honesty is always the best policy, always. If you breakup because of this it will hurt, but you were honest. In a way you may want to let him go if you really love him so that he can find what he wants with another woman.

 

 

But, KNOW THIS FIRST. I have know a lot of women, and maternal feelings are not always present before you have children. I have seen it a thousand times. When you are pregnant, and your SO is involved and you are both enjoying the pregnancy, those feelings develop. You feel the life inside of you and you just know that you love that child and you love your partner even more. You both develop a much deeper level of love in your relationship as you both grow to love that child.

 

 

Further, as a man, your woman is NEVER EVER more beautiful than when she if carrying your child. The men that do not feel that are AH's. You will most certainly love that child more than anyone ever in your life.

 

 

It is not easy being a parent, it is the hardest job you will ever love every minute of. It is a life long commitment but it is worth it I promise.

 

 

If you don't want kids, you are not a bad person and it is always better to honest with your BF. But you really can't be sure how you will feel until you actually have children.

 

 

Good luck to you...

[Els]

 

But, KNOW THIS FIRST. I have know a lot of women, and maternal feelings are not always present before you have children. I have seen it a thousand times. When you are pregnant, and your SO is involved and you are both enjoying the pregnancy, those feelings develop.

 

What is she going to do if they DON'T develop (or if she isn't enjoying the pregnancy)?

[Arieswoman]

Marina123,

You are absolutely right by being totally honest with your partner about not wanting children, and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to take on that commitment.

 

If you don't have the maternal urge then don't go along with it just to please him, as all it will do is cause resentment on your part further along the line.

 

I never wanted children and have about as much maternal instinct as a log but I believe that every child should be a wanted child and wanted by both parents.

 

I'm afraid you must let your partner go to find someone who wants the same things as he does - sorry. x

[elaine567]

I totally get the "once you are pregnant then it all kicks in" line of thinking, but women who truly do not want kids and have little or no desire for children never want to get to the pregnant stage, they avoid it at all costs, or they have an abortion.

 

There is a big difference between the throw away lines that some women tend to spout about never having kids, and the considered thinking of the OP who has never wanted children and even in the face of losing the love of her life and even in the face of a ticking clock, still doesn't want children.

 

She should not have children unless she 100% changes her mind for some reason in the future, having children to please other people is never a good idea..

Central is right the arrogance of her bf means he dismissed her feelings as if they were those of a child.

He was so engrossed in what he wanted, that he didn't take the time to gauge her level of interest in creating a family with him. She should not allow herself to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into doing anything she doesn't want to do.

Edited August 29, 2016 by elaine567
clarity

[BluesPower]

Elswyth and elain.e567

 

 

I get where both of you are coming from and I am not disagreeing for the most part. But IMHO, OP needs to understand that those feeling are not always there until you get there. And if she really does not want children and she is certain, then she should let him so he can be happy. Because if he stays, he will resent her, that I am certain of.

 

 

I do know one woman for sure that did not want kids and had no maternal instincts. She had a child for her husband and she lets him do all the day to day work. She does love her child bet she is a high powered lawyer and she works and he is a SAHD.

 

 

I just want OP to be as sure as she can be before it is too late.

[preraph]

I used to run a childfree board, so I've heard all the stories. First of all, you TOLD him early on you didn't want children, but he decided he knew your mind better than you did and decided to ignore you on the subject, assuming you'd do whatever he wanted.

 

We had polls at that childfree board, and most people knew from childhood they didn't want kids. Very few changed their minds spontaneously at a certain age.

 

The stupidist thing a person can do is try to force a mate who is clear they don't want kids into having kids. Why? Because they are not thinking of the kids' well-being at all! No kid needs a parent who isn't cut out for being a parent and didn't want to do it. So that means he's ONLY thinking about himself. He's not thinking about you, he's not thinking about the kids, only about himself. Sure you love kids you have anyway, but that doesn't mean your whole heart is in it or that you won't have regrets. There's whole websites devoted to mothers who regret having children. It's a struggle.

 

My feeling is if you are a person who is happy and fulfilled with the life you have now, you are a fool to have kids if you are even lukewarm about it because they destroy whatever your life now is thoroughly and it becomes all about them. So unless your dream is to have kids, don't have them if it's going to mess up your other dreams and passions.

 

He's just mad because he didn't get his way, but he has terrible skills at picking a child for his mother because he chose one who didn't want kids, and that's on HIM.

 

I'm sorry you're losing your relationship, and yes, not having kids may keep you from having a relationship, but it doesn't always. I know a few childfree couples who are still very active (in our 60s) and pursue their interests and are creative and happy. When you start dating, you'll need to be up front about not wanting them on OLD if you use online dating, but I've been told that actually, a lot of guys on OLD will still answer you even if they really do want kids because they don't care if you want them or not for just a hookup and in fact may be relieved and think that way you're on birth control. So you'll have to be clear you don't just want hookups but also don't want kids.

 

Try some childfree sites for support, too, and you might meet someone there.

[fromheart]

You haven't done anything wrong. You explored the possibility of having children, then came to a definite answer of no.

 

He wants to have kids and you don't, you have to part ways there's no easy way to say it. But don't put the burden of guilt on yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. You explored your relationship, your life and came to your conclusions.

 

We change as time gos by, sometime are priorities become different and we must let go of people who are no longer on our path.

[Els]

I used to run a childfree board, so I've heard all the stories. First of all, you TOLD him early on you didn't want children, but he decided he knew your mind better than you did and decided to ignore you on the subject, assuming you'd do whatever he wanted.

 

I agree with you that the OP should stand her ground, but I don't think it's fair to assume the bolded about him. It's possible that he just thought "maybe she'll change her mind when she gets older" - which to be fair HAS happened with some people, although it doesn't happen with others.

 

Basically, I don't think it was wrong for him to continue their R with that thought, but it's a risk that he CHOSE to take, and the OP certainly isn't responsible for his decision to do so.