Martineek Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 We dated 5 months "casually," and at the end when I asked if she wanted to be in a relationship she said no, because I don't believe in god. Any feedback/advice? ---- Dear X, Having taken time to look back on things with some sort of perspective, this is what I feel I have left to say that is meaningful to me. First, it appears as if five months of dating was totally enough time for me to be hurt by our ending. I won’t go into details but it has been a miserable month to say the least. For this reason I wish you had made it clear that faith itself was an absolute requirement for you, and that you had done it much earlier when my attachment wasn’t as strong, preferably as soon as I revealed that I did not share your beliefs (and no I'm not someone who needs strictly physical evidence, but that’s beside the point). What I remember now are your hints, suggestions and uncertainties (which I probably should have acted on sooner) and the sense that something was bothering you about our situation. But despite how far I went to reassure you that you could tell me exactly what was on your mind, despite how proactive I was to prove that I had your best interests at heart, I feel like I was still not given the full story in time. Not until I asked in August--a date you claimed we wouldn't reach if you weren't going to be in a relationship--did you decide to stop things, ironically because you did not want to hurt me down the line, but it happened anyway. As a result I have been trying quite hard to clear the fog of depression, confusion, disgust, bitterness over certain things that were said, and soreness that arises from this feeling of getting burned. It has taken so much energy and such a toll on me and is still ongoing. Maybe this message will help speed the process along, maybe it will delay it, I’m not sure. But it’s something I feel I have to express. The last time we spoke I insisted that I was ok with how things ended but its not entirely true. That being said I wish you the best. I hope you read this, feel free to respond but you’re under no obligation to, and if you’d like no further contact (which is a request you have the right to make), let me know.
PegNosePete Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Any feedback/advice? Yes. It can be cathartic to write these things, but sending them seldom does any good. In fact quite the opposite. You say she's under no obligation to reply but if you send this you will be on the edge of your seat waiting for a reply which may never come, and even if it does, it won't be what you want. Sending this will put you back to square 1 in terms of healing. Write it, read it, get over it, then delete it. DON'T send it. 6
Formerfiveo Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Great letter! Now, rip it up and burn it. She won't care and it won't make a difference, except you may hurt even more should she choose to not respond. IMO, the best thing for you to do is reclaim yourself and YOU go no contact. I used to be like your ex in the religious sense decades ago when I was an evangelical Christian. What she did to you was a form of "missionary dating." It's cruel and manipulative. Chances are she was hoping that she could shine God's light on you and you would come to believe the same as she. And then she could say that God used her to lead you to Christ and then dump you (I've seen that happen many, many times, and it was done to me.) I hope you start to feel better! 1
Author Martineek Posted August 23, 2016 Author Posted August 23, 2016 Yes. It can be cathartic to write these things, but sending them seldom does any good. In fact quite the opposite. You say she's under no obligation to reply but if you send this you will be on the edge of your seat waiting for a reply which may never come, and even if it does, it won't be what you want. Sending this will put you back to square 1 in terms of healing. Write it, read it, get over it, then delete it. DON'T send it. I know she will reply. I treated her right and she was very clear that she wanted me to get in touch with her if I felt there was anything left unsaid. Still I don't care if she responds or not. It might be better because I have nothing else to say to her apart from that. She's definitely not someone I ever hope to date again or be friends with. It's purely the fact that I was on the back-foot when we broke up, trying so hard to save face and not appear affected that I reassured her I wasn't mad at her, and that I was ok with the breakup. That was a lie and it's just eating me away and killing my spirits. I've been taking 100% of the pain of this breakup.
Blanco Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Only a five-month relationship. Ended for a major fundamental reason. Let it be and leave her alone. 7
Author Martineek Posted August 23, 2016 Author Posted August 23, 2016 Chances are she was hoping that she could shine God's light on you and you would come to believe the same as she. And then she could say that God used her to lead you to Christ and then dump you (I've seen that happen many, many times, and it was done to me.) It seems as if I was the first non-believer she dated, and she actually told me something like this near the end: "I've been having dreams about you and I think it's a sign from god. I think you came into my life as god's way of showing me how I'm supposed to be treated in a relationship." I took it as a hint that the men she dated prior did not treat her as well. She told me that the standard for her "has gone way up" now, after dating me. That's all well and good, but where does that leave me? Feeling pretty used. Justifying the experience as a lesson from god, when in fact I see all those dreams as her own personal speculations entering her subconscious. As for trying to show me the light, she didn't even try despite how open I was to supporting her in her faith. She also told me she thought she was in a parasitic relationship because she didn't know what she was doing for me. She told me this after we'd been dating for 5 months. I'm pretty resentful about the whole thing and she has absolutely no idea, because at the end I told her "I'm not mad at you."
Author Martineek Posted August 23, 2016 Author Posted August 23, 2016 Only a five-month relationship. Ended for a major fundamental reason. Let it be and leave her alone. I suppose that is the majority opinion. I feel like getting this letter off my chest would be my way of putting a seal on things, but I suppose I'll try to leave it be.
PegNosePete Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 She's definitely not someone I ever hope to date again or be friends with. Then what do you hope to achieve by sending this letter? 4
Author Martineek Posted August 23, 2016 Author Posted August 23, 2016 Another problem is that we live less than 5 minutes away from each other. We are bound to bump into each other a couple times.
Blanco Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 I suppose that is the majority opinion. I feel like getting this letter off my chest would be my way of putting a seal on things, but I suppose I'll try to leave it be. All it would do is make you look petty and portray you as the sort of person who must get the final word. She didn't end a long relationship over something trivial like you always leaving the toilet seat up. She ended a relatively brief relationship over a major fundamental difference between you two that was likely never going to change. Maybe you don't care what she thinks of you going forward, but at least for now, she probably respects you for respecting her honesty and her decision. Don't compromise that just to have the final word. 4
Author Martineek Posted August 23, 2016 Author Posted August 23, 2016 Then what do you hope to achieve by sending this letter? A degree of relief. From this pent up frustration that someone has hurt me and doesn't know about it. Maybe irrational, but I feel it will make things easier. Rather than for it to remain buried inside me and poison my mood, I feel as if expressing it to her will get me to stop worrying about it.
Formerfiveo Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 I think you came into my life as god's way of showing me how I'm supposed to be treated in a relationship." That's all well and good, but where does that leave me? Feeling pretty used. Justifying the experience as a lesson from god, when in fact I see all those dreams as her own personal speculations entering her subconscious. Exactly. Blame God, hide behind God, spiritualize the situation, the end result is the same, but this absolves her in HER mind of personal responsibility. "It was God's will."
Blanco Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Exactly. Blame God, hide behind God, spiritualize the situation, the end result is the same, but this absolves her in HER mind of personal responsibility. "It was God's will." I'm not a spiritual person, but this seems unfair. Faith is critically important to some people, so I don't know if we should not give this girl the benefit of the doubt about the OP's lack of faith ultimately being a deal-breaker. I agree with others who said the girl was most likely hoping the OP would shift on that issue, and when it was clear that this was unlikely, she ended the relationship. Five months is enough time to develop strong feelings, but it is not that long in the bigger picture. It's not as though she led him on for years before cutting the chord because of this issue. 2
Lifeissomething Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 God (pun intended) consider yourself lucky and that you dodged a bullet. It wouldn't have worked, a bible thumper with a non-believer is a recipe for DISASTER!!! Forget the letter. It won't have the effect you want. She'll probably deduce that it was god's plan and that she did the right thing, etc...And honestly, it sounds like she tried to do what's best, try not to hate her or over analyze. It sucks that you're hurting, but religion is a major point of contention. Most religious-to-the-point-god-speaks-to-me-in-my-dreams types, want someone that shares their beliefs. You weren't that companion. She could have told your earlier, but so what, it's not like she dragged you on forever. Move on.
Formerfiveo Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 I'm not a spiritual person, but this seems unfair. Faith is critically important to some people, so I don't know if we should not give this girl the benefit of the doubt about the OP's lack of faith ultimately being a deal-breaker. I agree with others who said the girl was most likely hoping the OP would shift on that issue, and when it was clear that this was unlikely, she ended the relationship. Five months is enough time to develop strong feelings, but it is not that long in the bigger picture. It's not as though she led him on for years before cutting the chord because of this issue. I see your point. Not all spiritual people believe and act this way. I am basing my response on my past experience as an Evangelical Christian, where this was the norm. Warning against being unequally yoked applied to every relationship - friendship, dating, and marriage. 1
evotg Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Ive found comfort in writing out an apology to a girl i lost i was very close, as said didnt send it, i think its a way of closure but it can also restart things and give you false hope. Just seems all of us on here only have one option and thats to ride the pain out till it gets better, if only it came quicker
JewelD Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 A degree of relief. From this pent up frustration that someone has hurt me and doesn't know about it. Maybe irrational, but I feel it will make things easier. Rather than for it to remain buried inside me and poison my mood, I feel as if expressing it to her will get me to stop worrying about it. You are expecting some type of response from her, that's clear from the last paragraph. At the end of the day, what's done is done. You will not feel better by sending this letter, especially if you get no response or she says she doesn't give a crap. Then you'll feel worse. And honestly, it was only 5 months. Better to buck up now because hopefully you will have longer and more intense relationships in the future and one of those may end in a breakup as well. 1
Ocino Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 (edited) Sigh, break ups suck Edited August 24, 2016 by Ocino 1
ChickiePops Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 (edited) Another problem is that we live less than 5 minutes away from each other. We are bound to bump into each other a couple times. Not necessarily true. I dated a guy who lived on the same block as my ex before him and I never saw the ex once in the 8 months he lived there. Edited August 24, 2016 by ChickiePops
Heart..PLS STAHP Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 OP don't do this! Don't send the letter! You think you'll get closure you won't! You will make it even harder for yourself. Trust me on that. Let me tell you a story about a boy who thought had the love of his life once and wrote her a letter. An actual letter - paper and all that! Sent it over different countries just because he loved her so. One day when she received it he was hoping for a reaction only a person who loves you deeply can express. Instead he got nothing! Meaning not even a blank stare, not even a comment, not even a sign of some sort - nothing! That boy was me! Once... in the past... long ago! So tell me, do you want to go there and feel the emptiness, the void of your emotions?
fromheart Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 So god told her to date someone for 5 months, then dump them because they didn't believe in god? Only thing to tell her is to be honest and upfront with people in future.
lauri Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I've had experience dating a religious girl before. Let me tell you - she broke up with me over religion too. Want to know the sad thing? She dated another guy, who is Catholic like me, as well 2 months after we broke up for a year. She pretty much said it so she would have an excuse to get out of the relationship with me. Don't always take things at face value. Understand that sometime things don't work out because they aren't into you anymore or don't have those same feelings. I'm just telling you to look at this as its over, regardless of the reasons. Your best move right now is to cut her out of your life, block and delete her, get rid of her number and start to heal. If you stick around you're gonna see things you don't want to see...especially on social media.
Toodaloo Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 She didn't end a long relationship over something trivial like you always leaving the toilet seat up. To be fair though that is really soooo annoying when you are living with it... Back to topic though. Don't bother sending that letter. It doesn't matter what it was she just doesn't want to date you any more and FAR better to find out now than after several years, a couple of children, and a ring on your finger. Don't send it. If you see her just smile, wave and walk on. That really is it. That is how sane, independent, strong people react... They don't go sending letters and trying to get their exes back... Stay strong. Let yourself heal. Get back out there again. 1
elaine567 Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 Whatever the reason she broke up with you, whether it was belief in God or something entirely different you will never really know. BUT she will have thought a lot about it and she will feel she the split was the best thing for herself. She will have realised you would be hurt, angry and upset, but that didn't change anything her end, as she still made up her mind to break up. Dumpees always seem to think that when the dumper receives a letter like this, that it will affect the dumper greatly and they will be all cut up inside and will hurt as much as the dumpee wants them to hurt. "I am hurt, you hurt me, I need you to hurt too", but the truth is the dumper is usually in a different place altogether. Yes, some dumpers will be upset at the break up, no-one really likes to hurt people and breaking up is sad, but many know it is for the best and they move on. Some of them have done all their grieving weeks/months before the split, so whilst the dumpee is nursing a raw wound, the dumper on the day of the split has healed completely. Salt added to a healed wound, doesn't hurt, does it? Do whatever you need to do with that letter but do not send it, it will not help and will keep you in suspense for hours, days, weeks as you wait for a reply and even if she does respond, she will only probably want to remain "friends" with you, and that will do you no good whatsoever.
Author Martineek Posted August 29, 2016 Author Posted August 29, 2016 It's killing me. It's distracting me from work and living and thinking. She has no idea that she hurt me. She thinks she ended things before that happened, and one of her final words were "I care about you too much to hurt you," which was total BS. All I want is to send her one text message. "Yeah...so I was totally hurt by this, pretty badly, FYI. And some things you said at the end did not sit well with me. But that's all I have to say. I can't pretend that everything ended well. But I will not pursue further contact after this. Take care and good luck in school." I believe it will make me feel better. I feel horrible right now.
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