What do I need to do?

[mrada34]

It's been 4 months now since I broke up with my most recent girlfriend. Well, I guess since she broke up with me. In those 4 months, I have not seemed to have been able to move one inch forward in my life. After the break up, we tried the "let's stay good friends thing." We did all right at first, but I couldn't leave the whole break up thing alone. I started probing into why she felt the way she did. I know, it was the wrong thing to do. She would never really give me an answer, which I don't really know why I was expecting her to give me one now that I look back on it. But she started becoming a little cold towards me after that. I don't know why I couldn't leave it alone or why I was so heartbroken over the whole situation, but I guess I was. After a few weeks,though, I seemed to gather myself together. At least enough to try and gain back some dignity. I realized my childish and immature mistake that I made and I told her how sorry I was for how I behaved, but she wasn't really taking it. Instead, I got ignored and passed around to her sisters, who said that I was going to have to talk to them about everything now if I was wanting to talk about something. I even said I was sorry to them for being a burden on their sister and I hoped they could forgive me for acting so immaturely. They wouldn't really give me any relief, though, either. They said they "forgave" me, but it was very forced and insincere and honestly felt a little belittling. Rather than go more into it though, I agreed to respect their wish of absolute no contact. (Which I knew was probably good for me too.)

 

But after moving on from all of that, I've noticed life isn't quite the same. I can't enjoy things like I used to. A social outing with my friends, really just acquaintences, has started to become more and more just an anxiety inducing event where I'm scared I'm going to mess up and say something and they'll just reject me like she did I guess. Every conversation that I am having with people now, non-friend of course, is either super awkward and forced or, at best, meh. I'm just not interested in things anymore. My head is always working through the mistake that I made. Why I couldn't have gone out more respectfully. Why I was so clingy. (Something I've never been to my other relationships in the past.) I'm losing sleep to anxious thoughts about everything going on. And I know this isn't normal. It's like I have a cap on how happy I can be. Not that I'm meaning to restrict myself, I just can't physically allow myself to reach a certain point of happiness anymore. I know I should not worry about these things and my mind shouldn't be giving so much energy into feeling shameful and guilty about what I did, but it won't leave me alone. Anytime I'm alone, or drivig down the road, or don't have much to do at work, I'm replaying what I did. And my my chest begins to hurt from the pressure I put on it.

 

I guess my main fear is that, with all of this craziness going on, I'm not going to be able to ever relate to anyone again. I feel like I'm not as trusting towards people as I used to be. I feel like I have to keep things superficial with everyone. Even though I'd like a deeper relationship, I just don't think I trust myself to control my feelings enough to get to that point with anyone new anymore. I don't know. There's so much it seems going on with what I'm feeling. And there was really more to what I feel caused this all to start happening. But the root cause was how I acted after the my last breakup. Everyone says that I should stop replaying the past in my head. Stop feeling guilty and ashamed about it all. But it seems like I can't. No matter what I try to do. Everytime I'm close to feeling all right again, that shame comes back.

 

I know this probably came across as very dramatic. This turned out longer than I thought it would. But it felt good to let it all out. Even if it did just come out as a jumbled mess of a story. Do I need help, though? How can I get this to stop tormenting me?

[CDJ]

Hi, my two-pence worth, hope it helps!

 

It's been 4 months now since I broke up with my most recent girlfriend. Well, I guess since she broke up with me. In those 4 months, I have not seemed to have been able to move one inch forward in my life.

4 months is no time at all! Sure, some people get over such things sooner, others much later.

 

I started probing into why she felt the way she did. I know, it was the wrong thing to do. She would never really give me an answer, which I don't really know why I was expecting her to give me one now that I look back on it.

It's likely that the true answer would hurt you, or she was ashamed of it. Or maybe she always has a problem telling the truth - some people just lie almost pathologically. The fact is, you probably will never know the real reason, and accepting that is an important step towards healing.

 

But she started becoming a little cold towards me after that....I told her how sorry I was for how I behaved, but she wasn't really taking it. Instead, I got ignored.

Sounds to me like manipulation. She kept you close at first, and wanted things to be amicable, because that was what she needed from you at the time. She used you. When she no longer had any use for you (perhaps she met someone else), then she just abruptly cut you adrift.

 

You had nothing to apologise for - you were heartbroken and she'd messed you around. But she made you believe that you were in the wrong because that's what manipulative people do. If she had an ounce of empathy she would have understood that we all behave irrationally when heartbroken.

 

I've noticed life isn't quite the same. I can't enjoy things like I used to... I'm scared I'm going to mess up and say something and they'll just reject me like she did I guess.

Your world has been turned upside-down. You thought that something was genuine and real - or that she was - and it turned out not to be the case, so naturally you doubt your judgement. Just remember this: your friends are there to help and support you. If they reject you at a time like this, they ain't your friends!

 

My head is always working through the mistake that I made. Why I couldn't have gone out more respectfully. Why I was so clingy. (Something I've never been to my other relationships in the past.) I'm losing sleep to anxious thoughts about everything going on. And I know this isn't normal.

Wrong. It's completely normal. They call it the bargaining stage of grief - "What if I'd done this differently?", "What if I had another chance?", etc. We all make mistakes. You made them and so did she. The difference perhaps is that you could forgive her for hers, but she couldn't let yours go. Which says a lot about her, doesn't it?

 

Anytime I'm alone, or drivig down the road, or don't have much to do at work, I'm replaying what I did. And my my chest begins to hurt from the pressure I put on it.

Download an app called Headspace. It comes with ten free sessions, one a day for 10 mins. It teaches you techniques to deal with such thoughts, and how to just let them pass by without engaging with them. Can't recommend it enough.

 

I guess my main fear is that, with all of this craziness going on, I'm not going to be able to ever relate to anyone again. I feel like I'm not as trusting towards people as I used to be. I feel like I have to keep things superficial with everyone. Even though I'd like a deeper relationship, I just don't think I trust myself to control my feelings enough to get to that point with anyone new anymore.

I went through the exact same thing. My solution? To rebound - spectacularly! Dated and slept with lots of girls. And it just made things worse. Hopefully you've not done this and it isn't too late. You need time to heal, and you need to learn to love yourself again first. Don't make the same mistake I made as it just puts your healing back by months.

 

Everytime I'm close to feeling all right again, that shame comes back.

It's very much a "one step forward, one step back" process in the beginning. Then you make two steps forward. Then three, and so on. It's slow and gradual, but you will get there.

[mrada34]

Wow. That actually really helped to tell the truth. It's really nice to hear that I'm acting rather normally than being so clingy towards her. That was a lot of good advice and insight into what's going on and I really appreciate it. It's just a little embarrassing that I have been this way. It was maybe a 6 month relationship in total. Not much, but I feel like we had something going. We had so much in common and it was kind of disappointing to figure out that she only wanted to see more of how we were different. (If you can't tell, I'm a feeler personality. She was INTP.) I'm not trying to keep it alive, but that was the only thing that made her choose to leave. Or at least that's all I was able to get from her after the breakup. The fact that I did feel something towards her. But all I wanted to do was to make her feel appreciated and like she could trust me. Not be overbearing with it. I know there's a line. But I wanted to help her out since she even admitted to her low self-esteem. I'm not trying to say it's all her fault or anything, though, either. I wasn't perfect by any means. But it's completely taken me differently compared to other people that I've dated before and it felt good to just vent it out. Once again, thanks so much for the input! Hope all is well with you.