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Posted

It's been 4 months now since I broke up with my most recent girlfriend. Well, I guess since she broke up with me. In those 4 months, I have not seemed to have been able to move one inch forward in my life. After the break up, we tried the "let's stay good friends thing." We did all right at first, but I couldn't leave the whole break up thing alone. I started probing into why she felt the way she did. I know, it was the wrong thing to do. She would never really give me an answer, which I don't really know why I was expecting her to give me one now that I look back on it. But she started becoming a little cold towards me after that. I don't know why I couldn't leave it alone or why I was so heartbroken over the whole situation, but I guess I was. After a few weeks,though, I seemed to gather myself together. At least enough to try and gain back some dignity. I realized my childish and immature mistake that I made and I told her how sorry I was for how I behaved, but she wasn't really taking it. Instead, I got ignored and passed around to her sisters, who said that I was going to have to talk to them about everything now if I was wanting to talk about something. I even said I was sorry to them for being a burden on their sister and I hoped they could forgive me for acting so immaturely. They wouldn't really give me any relief, though, either. They said they "forgave" me, but it was very forced and insincere and honestly felt a little belittling. Rather than go more into it though, I agreed to respect their wish of absolute no contact. (Which I knew was probably good for me too.)

 

But after moving on from all of that, I've noticed life isn't quite the same. I can't enjoy things like I used to. A social outing with my friends, really just acquaintences, has started to become more and more just an anxiety inducing event where I'm scared I'm going to mess up and say something and they'll just reject me like she did I guess. Every conversation that I am having with people now, non-friend of course, is either super awkward and forced or, at best, meh. I'm just not interested in things anymore. My head is always working through the mistake that I made. Why I couldn't have gone out more respectfully. Why I was so clingy. (Something I've never been to my other relationships in the past.) I'm losing sleep to anxious thoughts about everything going on. And I know this isn't normal. It's like I have a cap on how happy I can be. Not that I'm meaning to restrict myself, I just can't physically allow myself to reach a certain point of happiness anymore. I know I should not worry about these things and my mind shouldn't be giving so much energy into feeling shameful and guilty about what I did, but it won't leave me alone. Anytime I'm alone, or drivig down the road, or don't have much to do at work, I'm replaying what I did. And my my chest begins to hurt from the pressure I put on it.

 

I guess my main fear is that, with all of this craziness going on, I'm not going to be able to ever relate to anyone again. I feel like I'm not as trusting towards people as I used to be. I feel like I have to keep things superficial with everyone. Even though I'd like a deeper relationship, I just don't think I trust myself to control my feelings enough to get to that point with anyone new anymore. I don't know. There's so much it seems going on with what I'm feeling. And there was really more to what I feel caused this all to start happening. But the root cause was how I acted after the my last breakup. Everyone says that I should stop replaying the past in my head. Stop feeling guilty and ashamed about it all. But it seems like I can't. No matter what I try to do. Everytime I'm close to feeling all right again, that shame comes back.

 

I know this probably came across as very dramatic. This turned out longer than I thought it would. But it felt good to let it all out. Even if it did just come out as a jumbled mess of a story. Do I need help, though? How can I get this to stop tormenting me?

Posted

I am so sorry you are going through this. Most of us have been, or are now in a similar boat. It's just the process of healing a broken heart and going through the normal grieving process of the end of a relationship. It takes time, but you will get better! Try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know some days it is hard, and others it seems like a tiny little pinhole that is miles away. It will get better. I have been where you are at. The things that have helped me the most are:

1. therapy- have you considered talking to a therapist? This isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. a therapist can help you get to the underlying issues and can also give you some day to day strategies to help

2. Journaling- sometimes venting into a journal can be very cleansing to just get the thoughts out on paper

3. Once I wrote a letter to my ex. I did not hold back anything, just got everything i ever wanted to say out on paper. Then, I put it into the fireplace. it was very cathartic

4. Exercise- hit the gym, go for a run or even a walk. on a physical level this will balance you out and it helps you mentally because of the endorphins. Also, doing something good for yourself helps reinforce positive changes.

5. Get a massage- very nurturing and healing. Groupon usually has specials so you can get one at a reasonable rate.

6. Podcasts- I have had great luck finding podcasts just by searching itunes for "healing from a breakup" and things along those lines. I take a walk every day, now i listen to a podcast with my phone/earbuds during my walk. it's like a mini therapy session

7. Get enough sleep- I am still working on this. It hard because when i lay down my mind sometimes goes to the missing etc... but I have found that a cup of chamomile tea, some melatonin and a hot bath before bed go a long way!

8. Do some nice things for yourself- a new haircut, new article of clothing, even something little. It's just an act of self love. We need those right now

9. Have you ever tried yoga or meditation? both can really help our nervous system and depression. You tube has some awesome and free videos for both

10. make a list of all the great things about yourself. read it at least two times a day.

 

Please don't lose hope about the ability to connect with people in the future. This was one relationship that didn't work out, and as huge as it feels right now, it will fade with time. This doesn't need to define all of your future relationships if you don't want it to.

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Posted

Thanks so much for the recommendations and support. I really do appreciate it. I actually have been journaling. And you're right. It does help clear the mind letting it all out on paper. I've been excercising too. I've actually lost some weight doing so already and it can be very calming just going on a nightly jaunt/walk and look up at the stars. I like it. That is, when my mind doesn't start to wander off and get focused again on "how much I failed with the relationship"(which I am aware is flawed thinking.) I think the hardest thing of what you suggested is loving myself again. I was so confident and happy about who I was before this. At least to a certain extent. I felt confident enough to approach my hopeless crush that I had at the time. Now my ex. I don't want to sound proud or egotistical or overly dramatic honestly, but I usually only chase after people that I feel I could have a genuine relationship with and that I know are very much like me. Which I guess is normal. Just to have it all fail in the end is really making me question my judgement. But thanks again for the suggestions. I really might have to give some of those things a try. Hope your life is going well!

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