Ricekrispie Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 I'm a 22 year old female who hasn't had much (any) experience with relationships. I spent my college years mostly focused on my studies; I dated a few guys casually but nothing ever happened and the most times I ever went out with a guy was about 3-4 times. Also, I was raised Catholic and am a virgin, and I intend to save that until I'm with someone I intend to spend the rest of my life with (not necessarily married, but definitely in a committed and established relationship). I'm a pretty traditional-valued person, and I am not interested in a casual/hookup relationship. I'm also applying to graduate school right now, and there is a strong chance that I won't be in the same city in a year from now. I recently met a 28 year old guy through a Meetup group. We met about 3 weeks ago and have gone on about 5 dates, including a couple of times where I've gone to his place for a few hours. I had my first kiss with him on our first date and we've made out when I'm at his place, but when we're in public we don't act very couple-y. We don't really talk when we're not together; I'll send the occasional 'good morning' text every few days or so, but I'm always the one to initiate the contact. We have a great time together and I am definitely falling hard for him, but I don't know how he feels. We haven't discussed religion or previous relationship history. I went out to his place yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him. I said no and he was very respectful about it and didn't seem to be offended or upset. We're supposed to get together later this week to hang out again. Part of me wants to tell him now that I don't have any experience with intimacy, and that I don't want to have sex until I'm in a serious, established relationship, but at the same time I feel like 3 weeks is early and I don't want to come on too strong or scare him off. What should I do?
QueenDafine Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 I see how important it is for you to be in a committed relationship before getting intimate with someone, and I think you should extend that towards your feelings too. It won't do you any good having deep feelings for a man that may not be committed to you and you aren't yet in a relationship with. It's been three weeks, he's already asked you if you wanted to have sex. Around this time it's not unusual to find sexual compatibility in a partner after you've established some kind of emotional connection; for many, sex is an important base for any relationship. Don't feel pressured at all to have sex with this man, and don't have sex with him if you don't think his actions are genuine. It might be hard to tell as you're not used to dating, so you should stay wary. I think you should let him initiate some of the texts; a person, a man, will let you know exactly what he wants. Don't let yourself be sweet-talked by him, and just follow your instincts. Unless he says he wants to be in a committed relationship with you, I don't think you should be initiating anything more at this moment in time (sex). 1
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 This is typical of a guy that just wants to sleep with you....they don't initiate contact between dates. The warning signs are there...no affection in public, no initiating between dates, asks when sex is going to take place. He is not looking for a relationship. Next, you don't makeout with a man unless sex is going to be on the table. Stop going to his place....the signal for most people who are dating is when you are invited to someone's place, 99% of the time they are expecting sex. Witholding your expectations...bad. He is a guy and expects sex around the third date like a lot of guys. You are not being very fair to him, by not revealing your beliefs and what you expect. You need to be honest and up front with the guys you are dating. If a guy with held this from me I would be pissed. I wouldn't date someone like that because I have my own expectations. If he walks then so be it, you were not meant to be. Right now you are being selfish, and it's wrong to lead someone on like that. 1
Author Ricekrispie Posted August 29, 2016 Author Posted August 29, 2016 Thank you both for your replies. It certainly isn't my intent to be disingenuous or to 'hide' my beliefs, there just hasn't been an opportunity for it to come up organically in our conversations. I also don't suspect he is being inauthentic, I'm just not ready to have sex with him and I don't think I could be until at least a few months into a potential relationship. I felt like 3 weeks was too soon to bring up my expectations, and I didn't want to seem overeager or demanding to know the future when we are just getting to know one another.
angel.eyes Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 This is typical of a guy that just wants to sleep with you....they don't initiate contact between dates. The warning signs are there...no affection in public, no initiating between dates, asks when sex is going to take place. He is not looking for a relationship. I agree with this part. I'll add that guys who are relationship-minded often will mention what they're looking for out of dating or ask you about that up front. They want to ascertain you're on the same page, and not waste their time with someone who isn't. Guys who are just casually dating almost never do. The exception is if you make a statement about not sleeping around etc. You're laid down a gauntlet, and all of a sudden many of those guys looking for hookups or a fling will be looking for something serious. When words done match actions, trust your intuition. You did nothing wrong thus far. Kissing someone doesn't mean you have to sleep with them. That's just ridiculous. But, yes, with this guy, I would stop going over to his house since he seems to be just looking for something very casual or possibly a quick fling. You may want to try dating someone from your church or someone from one of the Christian student groups on campus. That's certainly not a guarantee that you'll find someone who shares your values. But the likelihood of finding someone with compatible views will be a a little higher.
preraph Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Sounds like he's just interested in sex, unfortunately, so don't fall for him. He hasn't given you much reason to...he's not trying to get to know you.
smackie9 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Let me correct...kissing someone doesn't mean sex, but heavy making out yes, they will feel it should lead to it, if not then but soon. I don't think it would be "forcing" anything to mention it...lame excuse. I feel it's pretty crucial and you know that most will not go for it, but it is the reaction that you need to deal with...it is a reality that you can't hide from. The longer you wait the worse the reaction you are going to get....what you think if you hold off the guy will be too much in love with you to walk??? that only happens in movies darlin.
basil67 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 The time to raise the conversation organically would have been when he asked about having sex with you. If that's not a good time, I have no idea what would be! I'm also concerned that you're falling for him. You've talked a few times about how it's very early days. Now, 'early days' are when you should still be protecting your heart. Wait till you understand him better before you go getting emotions involved.
LadySunshine Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Hi RiceKrispie * I’m definitely with you in that I wasn’t looking for a casual hookup and I decided to wait for marriage, and being recently married I can tell you that it is the best decision I have ever made! The things that you are going through now are so exciting! Especially having your first kiss! I do however think you need to be careful with this guy. You mentioned that you are always the one initiating the conversation. That to me is a red flag. It is not necessary to talk every single day, but if a guy likes a girl he thinks about her often and normally shows this by texting or calling her. Guys will make time to show you they care if this is the case. I agree with you that 3 weeks is still very early in the relationship, but if you do plan to continue with this it is never too early to set clear boundaries. It is important for him to understand how you feel about waiting. If he really does care about you he should be respectful and in the future not pressure you about this or honestly even raise the subject again. What is important to you should be important to him too. It will also definitely help to find out whether or not he is Christian or Catholic. This will give you a better idea of what to expect in the future. What a man believes affects how he behaves with a girl. If you discuss this with him and it does scare him off, take heart that there is someone who will not be scared off by this, but will respect and adore you even more for sticking to your convictions and for have a strong belief system. That is the type of man you are looking for. Stay strong! Will pray for you
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I'm a 22 year old female who hasn't had much (any) experience with relationships. I spent my college years mostly focused on my studies; I dated a few guys casually but nothing ever happened and the most times I ever went out with a guy was about 3-4 times. Also, I was raised Catholic and am a virgin, and I intend to save that until I'm with someone I intend to spend the rest of my life with (not necessarily married, but definitely in a committed and established relationship). I'm a pretty traditional-valued person, and I am not interested in a casual/hookup relationship. I'm also applying to graduate school right now, and there is a strong chance that I won't be in the same city in a year from now. I recently met a 28 year old guy through a Meetup group. We met about 3 weeks ago and have gone on about 5 dates, including a couple of times where I've gone to his place for a few hours. I had my first kiss with him on our first date and we've made out when I'm at his place, but when we're in public we don't act very couple-y. We don't really talk when we're not together; I'll send the occasional 'good morning' text every few days or so, but I'm always the one to initiate the contact. We have a great time together and I am definitely falling hard for him, but I don't know how he feels. We haven't discussed religion or previous relationship history. I went out to his place yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him. I said no and he was very respectful about it and didn't seem to be offended or upset. We're supposed to get together later this week to hang out again. Part of me wants to tell him now that I don't have any experience with intimacy, and that I don't want to have sex until I'm in a serious, established relationship, but at the same time I feel like 3 weeks is early and I don't want to come on too strong or scare him off. What should I do? Let him come to you. He was respectful of you even though he asked you about intimacy. If he asks you for another date, accept it and then have a casual conversation about what you are looking for and your expectations regarding a long-term relationship. Just a statement about what you are looking for and what that would look like and then let him talk. If he says he wants a long-term relationship without intimacy for a while, sit back and observe whether he dates you that way. In other words, if he doesn't schedule proper dates, calls you last minute, only wants to hang at his place or yours, then he's probably not gonna be too patient in in terms of intimacy for very long anyway. Since he isn't communicating with you much between dates, it's not likely that's he's too serious about you -- yet. Be patient and observe. Date others until it becomes clear that he is more serious. Let him simmer a bit . . . I know, it's sounds like "keep him on the back burner" But, just don't let yourself get too wrapped up. Be hopeful, but use your head and pay attention. Stick to your values and guns . . . It's all about you. Be receptive and be reciprocal. Let him lead and don't follow if you're uncomfortable . . .
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