Kkristine Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 I've been reflecting a lot this summer about my failed relationship that ended in June. I've posted here before about it seeking clarity and comfort. Although I was with that man for 4 years, I would consider myself an inexperienced person when it comes to dating. He's the only man I've ever been with, so I don't really know what's appropriate and what's not appropriate. I don't want to become a controlling person in the future who's always needing to know who he is texting because of this negative experience, but I'd also like to know what boundaries should be in place for a relationship to work and have trust. So, my question is: Do you consider texting someone of the opposite sex that you are attracted while in a relationship cheating? He told me she was just a friend. A few weeks later, he cheats. They are already living together after a couple of months. Just a friend, eh? I try to picture myself texting another man that I might have the hots for, and I would feel incredibly guilty. I look at it as.... "If I could picture myself dating this person, he cannot be my friend." 1
NopeNah Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 If we're "exclusive" and you're texting some guy(Unless he's the father of her kid,her boss and it's strictly about work,gay friend,ect..), you better be asking him for a place to stay after I kick your cheating ass to the curb! I'm not a controlling person and don't look at whomever's phone convos,but I have also NEVER in my years had a girlfriend that had straight guy friends. 3
Satu Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 In an ideal world, it would depend on the frequency and content of the texts. In this world, it's a red flag at the very least. Take care. 2
mg4514 Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Texting someone of the opposite sex is inappropriate UNLESS a)you've met the person and b) you're comfortable with it. Once your involved with someone, they should respect your feelings and boundaries so long as you're reasonable. I think it's reasonable to say "knock it off" until you've had a chance to assess their intentions. Btw - the phrase: "she/he is just a friend" is the KISS of death. An innocent response would be something like: oh, she's a coworker, we're working on a project together, or she's my neighbors cousin wanting to borrow a weedwhacker, or she's a friend from grade school...you get the idea. If it ends with, oh, she's just a friend...look out! I've been down that road many times myself. 4
LD1990 Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Yes, I do consider it emotional cheating and I definitely agree with Praying4Daylight. I wouldn't be too happy or likely to stay with a girl that had some straight male "friend" she was texting frequently. Straight men and women can be friends, sure, but it's rare for it to be a real friendship. It's almost always actually a one-sided friendship, where one person considers it a friendship and the other person is just stuck in the friend zone. I've heard plenty of BS from girls about how they have guy friends. One girl would tell me how she had guy friends...then later mentioned how they had all asked her out at one point or another and gotten turned down. 2
Grapefruit6 Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 I would say it is emotionally cheating. 99.9% of these one on one exchanges contains romantic intentions by at least one party. Been there done that. 1
aloneinaz Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 It's not ok nor appropriate. It's a sign that the person has clearly lost interest in their partner and are exploring options as was the case for you. Sorry, it's terrible that it happened to you. The good news is there's MILLIONS of other guys that don't do that and want a monogamous relationship. You'll find one. 1
somegu Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 I would say it depends on your level of commitment and their intention.
asphyxis Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 I look at it as.... "If I could picture myself dating this person, he cannot be my friend." That should go with the obvious. However, depends in the conversation context. I legit have had 2 male friends that I've known for almost 20 years. My ex was extremely jealous of them when I would talk or hangout with them. One is married and the other is engaged. I got really upset when he would make comments about me not talking to them anymore. Not everyone is going to want to be in a relationship with you, but I would urge caution to those who are always trying to flirt etc. Lay down what is tolerable and what's not, either in friends or relationships. Texting isn't always emotional cheating but it can very well walk a fine line if you don't make where you stand clear. If they persist, then that warrants grounds for action to be taken.
carhill Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Would you consider texting "emotional cheating"? IDK, that would be up to the spouse or partner of the person being texted. If a lady was sending me cleavage shots with suggestive verbiage and my wife wasn't giggling about it, eh, 'nuff said. Doesn't matter who the lady is. Could be her best friend and it's all in joke. Same with the reverse. Do you consider texting someone of the opposite sex that you are attracted while in a relationship cheating? If my spouse didn't or wouldn't approve, didn't know and I actively worked to keep her from knowing, sure. However, the texts in and of themselves could be innocuous and could even be completely transparent, meaning I could be sending them right in front of my spouse in full view. Prove that I'm attracted. Who here can read minds? Heh, see how that works? Slippery slope.
HeDestroyeth Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 It's most definitely cheating. My recent ex started texting a random guy she met on Tinder the last few months of our relationship. At first it was supposed to be just a friend that she didn't find attractive, but it quickly turned into something else. They began sexting each other and she ended up falling for him even though he lived in another state. Never ever will I put up with another girl that I'm in a relationship with texting another guy regardless if she claims he's just a friend or not.
Timshel Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 What if your partner wasn't texting? Hid nothing and brought it to you and said, now what? What if someone is texting them and despite no response, they continue? Then what? Well mine got a new phone and a new #. Sometimes other people who know that a person is in a relationship will pursue...because of or despite. Respect in a relationship is first. If two people respect each other then any friendship will be above board, honest. 1
LD1990 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 What if your partner wasn't texting? Hid nothing and brought it to you and said, now what? What if someone is texting them and despite no response, they continue? Then what? Well mine got a new phone and a new #. Sometimes other people who know that a person is in a relationship will pursue...because of or despite. Respect in a relationship is first. If two people respect each other then any friendship will be above board, honest. It's not like it's difficult to get someone to stop texting you, though. You tell them to stop, and if they don't, you block them.
Author Kkristine Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 (edited) Texting someone of the opposite sex is inappropriate UNLESS a)you've met the person and b) you're comfortable with it. Once your involved with someone, they should respect your feelings and boundaries so long as you're reasonable. I think it's reasonable to say "knock it off" until you've had a chance to assess their intentions. Btw - the phrase: "she/he is just a friend" is the KISS of death. An innocent response would be something like: oh, she's a coworker, we're working on a project together, or she's my neighbors cousin wanting to borrow a weedwhacker, or she's a friend from grade school...you get the idea. If it ends with, oh, she's just a friend...look out! I've been down that road many times myself. That's the thing. I explained my insecurities about it. "I don't know who she is. You had never mentioned her before. What was I supposed to think?" He then became VERY defensive and asked me what to do to solve the problem. "Why can't I have friends? I have to be able to have friends." I was expecting a, "I'm sorry I upset you, and I can understand why you would feel uneasy about it." Not a, "You fix it!" I didn't know how to respond, and I cried. I told him that he needed to be more open about the people he was texting. He knows everyone I text, which is a few friends and family. A few weeks later... Edited August 30, 2016 by Kkristine
Author Kkristine Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 If we're "exclusive" and you're texting some guy(Unless he's the father of her kid,her boss and it's strictly about work,gay friend,ect..), you better be asking him for a place to stay after I kick your cheating ass to the curb! I'm not a controlling person and don't look at whomever's phone convos,but I have also NEVER in my years had a girlfriend that had straight guy friends. Glad to know that other people feel this way!
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 That's the thing. I explained my insecurities about it. "I don't know who she is. You had never mentioned her before. What was I supposed to think?" He then became VERY defensive and asked me what to do to solve the problem. "Why can't I have friends? I have to be able to have friends." I was expecting a, "I'm sorry I upset you, and I can understand why you would feel uneasy about it." Not a, "You fix it!" I didn't know how to respond, and I cried. I told him that he needed to be more open about the people he was texting. He knows everyone I text, which is a few friends and family. A few weeks later... I was expecting a, "I'm sorry I upset you, and I can understand why you would feel uneasy about it." Not a, "You fix it!" Yes, an immediate apology and a clear statement about how they understand that it would be hurtful to you. He's deflecting and turning it back on you . . . Keep moving, sweetie. Transparency in a relationship is the foundation of trust . . . people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing and have nothing to explain . . . and if they do, they do it with empathy and sincerity . . . and a totally credible explanation . . . he failed. 1
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