mg4514 Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 I'll be brief because I sincerely value the input and advice on this forum. I'm 44 and she is 45. We were together for 5 years. In a nutshell - The reason our relationship ended was because our goals were no longer the same. I have a 13 year old son...and while she was good to him...she never really established a bond with him. In many respects she resented him for the amount of attention I devoted to him. And in short, she knows he is the absolute center of my universe. Since our break up in Sept. of last year, she has maintained a steady flow of text messages with him. They are brief, and lighthearted in nature. Also, she has texted me periodically throughout this time: Happy Birthday, Happy Fathers Day, Been thinking about you and (your son), blah, blah, blah. I have noticed the frequency of these texts has increased slightly the past two months. I have not responded to her texts in any fashion whatsoever. I allow my son to maintain whatever level of contact he is comfortable with so long as he conducts himself with kindness and civility. He seems okay with the arrangement. Now I know what many of you are going to say: why haven't I blocked her....the reason is simple. Simply because there might be a family emergency, medical emergency, something to that effect. My question. 1) Will this contact end? 2) What is her motivation behind these texts and 3) most importantly: why my son?
Sunkissedpatio Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 (edited) Hmm I find it odd that she never really connected with your son while with you but now she is going out of her way to stay connected to him? How is the communication with you these days? Could she be using the connection to your son to get back with you? When you say your relationship ended due to different goals, it sounds like the decision was mutual but if you had to pick a dumper and dumpee who would that be in this scenario? Edited June 22, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio 1
whatnot Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 I allow my son to maintain whatever level of contact he is comfortable with so long as he conducts himself with kindness and civility. Now I know what many of you are going to say: why haven't I blocked her....the reason is simple. Simply because there might be a family emergency, medical emergency, something to that effect. My question. 1) Will this contact end? 2) What is her motivation behind these texts and 3) most importantly: why my son? She knows you are not completely gone. If I know it. She most certainly knows it :-) 1
DKT3 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Maybe to show she can and is willing to bond with your son 1
BC1980 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 (edited) My question. 1) Will this contact end? 2) What is her motivation behind these texts and 3) most importantly: why my son? 1. Maybe. It's hard to tell. It will probably end if she starts dating someone else, but it might not. As long as you are receptive to the contact, she will probably keep it up for the foreseeable future. 2. Various reasons. Just weaning herself off of you. You are both familiar to her, and it's difficult to go cold turkey after a LTR. She might want to check up on you in some form. A lot of exes like to keep contact but keep it at arm's length. Just knowing you are there and receptive is a comfort to her. 3. Because he's an easier target than you? That would be my guess. It might be a way to get to you, but it does seem odd considering that you said she never bonded with your son. She might think your son might be more receptive and less of a chance of rejecting her than you. That's a tough one, and I don't really know. I don't think it's good for your son that she continues this contact. It's probably confusing for him. I can relate because I was in a LTR with a child involved, and I ended up cutting all contact with the child. That was the best and least confusing route for him. May I ask: what type of medical or family emergency would arise that she needs to contact you about? Edited June 23, 2016 by BC1980 1
Author mg4514 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Sunkissed--yes! This is what I'm talking about! She never had that bond while we were together, but now? All of the sudden? That's what I mean. I'm glad you identified it. As for her and I, there is no communication. Period. I went NC and have stuck with it. I don't reply to her texts. In the beginning I told her not to contact my son, initially she agreed, but clearly now she is ignoring that request. If I sounded as though it was mutual...it was not! Yes, I did identify the growing gap between us, but I would've stayed with her..even if I was unhappy. She was definitely the dumper. Does this help/add to your perspective? Because I'd be interested to hear it.
Author mg4514 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Whatnot---I would be the first to admit I'm not completely gone. I'm trying. Every day is a struggle, but every day it gets a tiny bit better. I have used NC in my efforts, so hopefully she doesn't know too much.
Author mg4514 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 DKT3--I don't think that's it. I think she gets the ego boost from my son simply because after all this time I haven't responded.
Author mg4514 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 BC1980- I was hoping you'd chime in also, hahaha. I think she was dating someone for a short time. I only say this because there was about a five month period of radio silence. Then it seemed the texts came more frequently...but to my credit, I never gave her any reason to believe I was receptive. I have not responded or acknowledged her texts. You are likely on to something with the concept of keeping contact "at arms length". I just can't imagine why? When we broke things off I was unmistakably clear: I could not be friends. Yes, I agree that my son is the easier target. Like you, this one confounds me. My son is a kind hearted soul, and he stays friendly with her. He says he doesn't mind that she texts him. Now here's the kicker!!! I agree with YOU that it's not a good idea. What I didn't include in my first post was: after she contacted him the first time---I did call her and ask her not to continue reaching out to him. She agreed!!! But then after two months...started texting him again. I chose to ignore them so long as my son was okay with it. He said he was fine...so I just ignore them. The emergencies I spoke of were her parents. Her parents were just fantastic people. They are getting older, and their health is declining. If something were to happen to one of them, I would want to know. It wouldn't change anything between her and I, but I would want to help them if I could...or send condolences if need be. Thank you for your time...and please continue to offer your insight if you have anything to add.
BC1980 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 BC1980- I was hoping you'd chime in also, hahaha. I think she was dating someone for a short time. I only say this because there was about a five month period of radio silence. Then it seemed the texts came more frequently...but to my credit, I never gave her any reason to believe I was receptive. I have not responded or acknowledged her texts. You are likely on to something with the concept of keeping contact "at arms length". I just can't imagine why? When we broke things off I was unmistakably clear: I could not be friends. Yes, I agree that my son is the easier target. Like you, this one confounds me. My son is a kind hearted soul, and he stays friendly with her. He says he doesn't mind that she texts him. Now here's the kicker!!! I agree with YOU that it's not a good idea. What I didn't include in my first post was: after she contacted him the first time---I did call her and ask her not to continue reaching out to him. She agreed!!! But then after two months...started texting him again. I chose to ignore them so long as my son was okay with it. He said he was fine...so I just ignore them. The emergencies I spoke of were her parents. Her parents were just fantastic people. They are getting older, and their health is declining. If something were to happen to one of them, I would want to know. It wouldn't change anything between her and I, but I would want to help them if I could...or send condolences if need be. Thank you for your time...and please continue to offer your insight if you have anything to add. It's not right that she is contacting your son when you asked her not to. But she's going to push you to see how far you will go. It's kind of like a child. They will push you to see how far you will bend the rules. Adults are like that too actually. They will push your boundaries if you aren't firm with them. People like to see how far they can get, but it's up to you to enforce the boundaries. One thing is that your son is 13, so you can tell him not to talk to her. He's not an adult, so you can make that decision. Her texts may not bother him because he doesn't care either way. He has no bond with her like you do. But the texts bother you, so I think they need to stop. I also don't think that you need to keep in contact with her due to her parents. Breaking up often means that we loose family as collateral damage. If you want to keep up with her parents, you should do so directly with them, not through her. To be honest, your connection to her family will fade naturally anyway. I understand what it's like to loose your ex's family. I was close with my ex's sister and her BIL. I tried to keep up a friendship with his sister after the breakup, but I spoke directly to her. I was always the one initiating the contact, so I let the friendship go. But I would have kept up with her if she reciprocated. But I would have done it directly with her. If you are not close enough to her parents to keep up with them directly, then you aren't a big enough part of their lives to warrant keeping your ex around as a line to them. You can't keep up with your ex until her parents eventually pass away one day.
MissBee Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I'm confused. She's not your son's mother and you have no children with her, correct? So what kind of family or medical emergency in her own life would possibly need to involve you? I understand if you are co-parents why you cannot block the person, but if you are not, why would you need to be involved in any imaginary family emergency they may or may not have? I'm seriously asking. When you break up, their own friends and family are their emergency contacts should anything happen, not their unrelated ex. It seems like this keeps the door ajar in the off chance of an emergency that wouldn't be your problem anyway. I think you should block her. Her potential emergencies are not your responsibility frankly, and it just seems...well flimsy...to keep her around in case of that. I don't see why in the midst of an emergency she'd call you, her ex, but let's say she really had one and you were needed, she would find a way, even if it meant using another person's phone to surpass the block. But keeping this door of contact open means you're not truly in NC, as here you are, receiving contact, reading it and spending time to think and question it, which defeats the purpose of NC. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Why haven't you blocked her in these nine months exactly? If you don't have children together, there's no "emergency". You're keeping an unnecessary lifeline. 3
Zahara Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 "Emergencies" is an excuse that you've built in your head because there is a part of you that wants a lifeline to her. You're analyzing contact for a reason and not because it is unwanted attention. We've all been in relationships whereby we've built strong bonds with extended family only to have to sever them because of a break-up. Self-preservation. If you're able to maintain communication without having it affect you, then fine. But 9 months later, having to post on a forum still feeling confused and disrupted by contact is indication that this arrangement you have is counter productive. Time to reevaluate your boundaries and true intentions. 6
Sunkissedpatio Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 hi mg4514 yes that provides more insight thank you for clarifying. Since she was the "dumper" it does sound like she might be using your son to keep one foot in the door. She might be having second thoughts about the split and in building a closer relationship with your son she can try to restore the split? Purely guessing here. Was the fact that she was not close to your son an issue leading up to the split? Have you asked your son what they talk about? 2
Author mg4514 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 MissBee- you make some really excellent points. But what about the issue with my son?
Author mg4514 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Sunkissed- No, That was not an issue in the split. As I said, she was good to him-just never had a bond. Yes, I've asked him, truth of it, since he's 13 I just look through his texts. The content is all very genera and harmless. She asked him about his athletics one time. Another time she said she saw a cat that reminded her of ours, blah, blah. Interestingly...the last time she texted me, I didn't respond, the next day she texted him. This is what I mean when I say the frequency has picked up.
Author mg4514 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Zahara and Simon - what are your thoughts regarding my son? Motivation? Allow it?
Sunkissedpatio Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Yup, it sounds like she is doing it to keep a foot in the door. You won't respond to her so by staying in contact with your son it will prompt you to reach out to her, even if it is to tell her to back off, it will open that channel of communication up. If it's doing your head in, ask your son to stop communicating with her. 2
Zahara Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 (edited) Zahara and Simon - what are your thoughts regarding my son? Motivation? Allow it? You can NEVER get into the mind of another person. You can speculate and come up with various reasons but never be able to pinpoint one's motive or agenda. It's a futile and useless exercise. Being the adult and the parent, it is up to YOU to implement and enforce boundaries based on what you believe is right and healthy for you and your child. You trust your instincts, your beliefs and your judgment. If you believe, which I think you do based on what you have posted that her communication with your son comes with an ulterior motive, you enforce a boundary in that you eliminate contact. If contact has kept you from moving forward, you enforce a boundary and you eliminate contact. You told her once to stop contacting your son and she complied but then broke that boundary and reached out to him. Complete and utter disregard for you and your son's needs. What does that tell you about her? If her motive is to get closer to you, why not be an adult and communicate that to you? There are more negatives than positives here. If she did not bond with your child when she was with you, why are you concerned about her need to do so now? Contact is irrelevant to his life at his point. He's 13 -- he's not going to miss her idle chit chat. I dated a man with children. It was a LTR. When we ended, I had to sever that tie with his children because I didn't want to confuse and add hurt to their lives, as much as it tore me apart but I had to respect everyone's need to heal and move on. Edited June 23, 2016 by Zahara 1
BC1980 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I think you should block her from your son's phone. I wouldn't even tell her you are doing it because she hasn't respected your wishes and boundaries before. 1
Author mg4514 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Sunkissed---thanks, I really appreciate your insight. And it must be easy to see -that YES- it is turning the wheels in my head. Just when I feel like I'm taking two steps forward-sure enough--a text will come in, and I take one step back. One more question, if you will humor me please, why would it be beneficial to open up communication (from her perspective) even if it is negative? I.e. "To tell her to back off"
Simon Phoenix Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Zahara and Simon - what are your thoughts regarding my son? Motivation? Allow it? You need to stop worrying about her motivation. Her motivation is her business. As for the son, I would generally discourage the practice, but I wouldn't go hardcore and ban him from communicating with her at this point, because he'll likely rebel (because that's what 13-year-olds do) and make it worse. It's something that should peter out on its own. Eventually he's going to get bored with talking to his not-quite stepmom. Edit: Or do what BC said. Odds are he won't even notice. 1
Author mg4514 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Zahara-- Fantastic. Yes. You have clearly identified that the contact has kept me from moving forward. I would like her to stop texting my son. I fear that contacting her (via text or call) will be a setback to the NC rule. I have asked her once already so there is no reason to believe a second request will be honored. My thought (and please tell me if I'm wrong) was that if I continued to ignore it long enough, she would eventually quit. Her actions tell me what I've known for awhile. There is some selfishness at the center of it all.
Author mg4514 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 BC1980 and Simon--thanks again. I think I'll just tell him (he's not the rebellious sort) that I think the time has come for us to move on. I think he'll get it.
MissBee Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 MissBee- you make some really excellent points. But what about the issue with my son? You said you were fine with them being in contact. If you aren't anymore, then explain that to her and him. Why your son? It's not a mystery. It's because it's your son. Afterall, he's not some random kid. I can't know if her intentions are plainly that she had a relationship with him so want to check in or if it's a line to you. For me, I wouldn't really have an ex texting my child if said ex is not their parent. Even while you guys were together, I find it odd that your gf would need to be in text communication with your son. He should have her number and her his, in case of anything, but I don't really see why they'd need to be texting like friends. Even as an adult, I don't text my older relatives casuallyor my parents' friends, even though I may have their number and would use it if need be. But I just talk to them in person when they're around. I don't text them, so don't really understand that kind of relationship between an adult and a kid who isn't related to them. I don't think she should have been texting him and I think that should have been established at the beginning. He's underage and you know about it everytime she does, I assume, so it's a way of inserting herself and you all still being intertwined, with your kid in the middle. I'd cut that off as well. 1
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