What just happened here?????

[Emaize3]

So I was posting in January when the love of my life broke up with me on 1/26/16 and blindsided me. Said that we were too different. We were as happy as can be! Knew others families - just a great couple. Here I am almost 7 months to the date bawling my eyes out. He married his EX WIFE 6 months after breaking up with me. He said he'd never go back. She cheated twice, never wanted sex and was the biggest gold digger! She was in a relationship with the man she cheated with this entire time. My ex said she will be floundering in August when their twins turn 18 and her child support will be cut off. I cannot believe this! He fell for her gold digging ways and remarried. I honestly do not know how to process this. He's not stupid but this proves he is. Should I be sad? or happy that he's a fool. I don't think he ever cheated but now I know why he broke up with me. Omg!!! Need to vent.

So confused right now.

[Weathergirl]

Hi, I read your thread and just want to say, although I can't offer any advice, I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you can be strong and walk away with you head held high. It never ceases to amaze me what one person can do to another.

[Arieswoman]

Emaize3,

I'm sorry you are hurting and confused over this.

 

Please remember that none of this is about you.

 

It's about him and his choices.

 

Please don't let someone else's crappy decisions define who you are.

 

And for goodness sake don't be his fallback girl when the whole thing goes t*ts up further down the line.

 

You deserve better than this and I think you know it, so stay strong, concentrate on you, and move forward.

 

Good luck x

[smudge21]

You should feel releaved that you got out of this before it became any more serious, as this would never have turned out well. However, no matter how toxic the ex is, we all miss them and feel down, so don't beat yourself up over this. We put loved ones on pedestals, see only the good in them, build them up for so long to be so perfect - so when it turns out they're not, it can take ages to see the truth, long after they've gone. Just vent all you want, and try to avoid finding out about him. That stuff only sets you back.

[Emaize3]

Thanks everybody. So true that when we we're together he was amazing and now this? I had nightmares all night long. I was once healed and now I feel exactly like I did when he broke up. I wouldn't do anything to harm myself but the same feelings of not wanting to be on this planet again are present. The wound is opened again and it feels like salt is being poured on it.

[buddy825]

Unless you can confirm all the things you stated about his ex. I would be leery. I doubt he would tell you his ex. was fantastic wanted her back. Many guys will portray the wife or ex. as some witch as a way of gaining sympathy and rationalization for being involved with someone else. All that matters is he dumped you and it's time to move on. Don't live in the past or future but in the present moment. Right now you are single. Work on improving your life. Someone new will come along.

[preraph]

Here's the way I translate what you said about her. She doesn't even like sex but she's a golddigger. Giving her money gives him leverage for her to give him sex whether she wants to or not. How she controls him is saying she doesn't like sex, so that he has to purchase it from her. And he doesn't care how he gets it, apparently, as long as he gets it.

 

Sorry you got blindsided by this, but he OBVIOUSLY has some real issues that would have eventually come out and affected your union.

[Emaize3]

Agreed. He's buying her love. She is giving him everything he needs now that she's getting her money back. I know she cheated- even his kids talked about it, so it was real. He always said he would never go back to a damaged relationship because its damaged and believe me- they tried. I bet her boyfriend (who she cheated on him with) wouldn't marry her when child support was running out and she panicked. What an idiot he is! She's laughing all the way to the bank. Yes, It's over and I need to move on but his actions literally destroyed me and that is very hard to move on from here. He was always talking about karma with her. Well, dear friend, I'm waiting for karma to get you now!

[Emaize3]

So I posted a thread called "what just happened here" a few days ago. My ex bf completely blindsided me in Janaury and broke off our wonderful relationship. I was so devastated, I didn't want to live and was physically ill. Fast forward to today, I am pretty much healed... Until.. I see a wedding pic on social media (my daughters because i blocked him). He remarried his gold digging, cheating wife! I know- he's married so get over it right? I am really really struggling here. I can barely work. It's like all the pain came rushing in again. He always said karma would get her and that her child support will run out in August and she'll panic and he didn't care. I have no closure. Did he leave me for her? If so, why? She was dating the man she cheated on him with when we were together. I'm so confused and all hope is gone. I know he has a family and history with her but he was adamemt about not caring for her after her cheating and gold digging ways. She was never happy. What is going on here? I just want to call him the biggest idiot I ever met! Anyway, I'm having a really bad time. All I think about is their wedding photo and I'm shocked! Only 6 months after we broke up and he's married and I'm still healing! I know- focus on me and yes I'm STILL in therapy but it hurts so badly. How can I stop this never ending pain and anger? It's really bad and nothing helps.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're in so much pain, OP. I can't imagine how much of a shock this must be for you.

 

My guess is that since she cheated, he was saying such negative things about her to mask his own pain of betrayal. Perhaps she is a gold-digger and all those other awful things, but it's also possible he was exaggerating those points to convince himself that he didn't want her anymore. Under it all, he obviously still felt something.

 

As to whether he left you go to back to her...sadly, it seems quite possible. They already have a history so they probably wouldn't have bothered trying to start over again, but rather picked up from where they left off. Thus, the time from reconciling to re-marriage would be dramatically shortened if they didn't invest time in resolving their previous problems and dating each other again. Consequently, their marriage will likely suffer this time around too.

 

My assumption would be that she came back apologizing, pleading the case for their family. That may have happened while you were dating and caused him enough confusion to end your relationship. Hard as it is, try not to torment yourself with the whys and hows. He knows what he's getting back into, and remarrying a cheater demonstrates he doesn't have a lot of self-respect or common sense.

[K2z]

A whole lot of pain comes from the craving to have things make sense. Hollywood imbues in us this expectation that all loose ends of the narrative are going to come together in a nice little bundle at the end of the rainbow.

 

Sometimes things don't make sense. He and his cheating wife may be making totally crappy decisions and skidding off the road as we speak. Or, they may be superficially happy but paying a heavy psychological price in the things they suppress. Or, who knows, maybe they fight like volcanos once a week.

 

Attachment to what you cannot monitor or control is a real recipe for insanity. The woman I loved, encouraged by silly mistakes I surely made, left and married some dude in a couple months. I went into a year long negative spiral that I am just now somewhat freeing myself of.

 

It is very important that you are in therapy. Be patient, keep talking, and realize that narratives do not tie up nicely. This isn't Hollywood, it's sloppy, stupid reality-- a rhino on rollerskates.

[privategal]

You need to get him off your daughters Facebook and have no window to his life, no ways to contact eachother, you were doing fine until you saw his life.

This should tell you in order to fully heal and make a healthy new start you need him 200% away from you.

If he went back to a toxic situation that's on him and his choices are his own to deal with. You will be better and stronger soon. No looking back now. Be glad he is gone.

[DarrenB]

Hi!

 

I definitely suggest finding new habits, and if you already have, go out there and find someone new. Maybe not to even have a relationship with, but a new friend to listen to you. It's always a start, and there's always room for progression.

 

I know it's been tough on you, but you should NEVER let another person, regardless of what has happened between you, interfere with your life! whether that be work related, personal-related or even new love!

 

Close all contact to him, so that's from every person's perspective of who you know. There is a 'Guide to NC (NO CONTACT) 2014' pinned to this section, I highly suggest reading that. It may give a sudden harsh reality of how it is, but it's another way of how to cope.

 

Look at the way forward, look at yourself in the mirror and what do you see? take the negatives and make them into positives. Live your life like he was never in it! I assure you, the moment you try, you won't be able to stop and later on down the line, you may or may not (hopefully you will) laugh at the entire situation

 

All the best.

[Emaize3]

Thank you so much everybody. It's nice to know that I can vent here. All of you have great advice and wisdom so i will start my day with that.

[greenly24]

Oh my goodness, I cannot imagine what you're going through. It is definitely hard to see your ex bounce back so quickly from your relationship. I am truly sorry. I think it will take awhile to get over all of this, but perhaps now you have time to do things you didn't have time for before you were in the relationship. Do you have any old hobbies or activities you haven't done in awhile? It doesn't have to be anything super fancy either. I got through a big test and suddenly had a lot more free time and "rediscovered" (for lack of a better term) the Spice Girls. Nothing does a girl better than a good jam session! Keep your head up; you'll make it through

[Emaize3]

Thank you greenly24. I've been trying to date for the last few months (when I was ready) which helped me get over the ex. But now I am SOOO angry!!! I just want to vent to him about how stupid I think he is! The funny thing is, he is a well adjusted, educated, strong person who said he'd never to go to a broken relationship and he went back to HER??? Wow!! The raging anger internalizing within every day is what is killing me slowly.

[Arieswoman]

Emaize3,

Anger is good.

 

Anger is empowering.

 

Anger is energy.

 

Anger makes you get off your backside and do stuff.

But just make sure it's the right stuff.

 

My last property was a testament to all the busted up relationships I'd had.

 

Cupboards cleaned out, ceilings painted, garden well-manicured, bedroom redecorated.

 

I joined a gym, as exercise is a good way to blow off steam - try it, you'll get fitter as well.

 

Don't sit and stew, that does puts your BP up and doesn't help - but counselling might.

 

You can get through this.

 

Good luck x

[Emaize3]

Thank you. I've been keeping busy but I think when I sit at my desk at work -'

My mind starts wondering In that direction and then the wave of pain and anger starts. Just sucks! People shouldn't be able to deceive others.

[Arieswoman]

Emaize,

 

People shouldn't be able to deceive others.

 

Your right they shouldn't.

 

But unfortunately they do and there isn't anything any of us can do about it except cut them out of our lives and move on.

 

Many people on this board have been where you are and yes, it sucks. But we're all in your corner and trust that you can get through this.

 

Good luck x

[Emaize3]

Hi everybody- I just wanted to let you all know that I am now in a new relationship and everything is so amazing. I'm very happy with this new man and I can tell he's very happy with me too. I'm just wondering why I'm still so hurt over my ex? If you read the first post- you'll understand what happened. I just feel so deceived. Why should I care and waste my energy if I have this new wonderful man/relationship? My ex is remarried to his ex wife again but i have a very strong, powerful urge to tell him off. It's like I can't rest without the relief of telling him how I feel!! I'm so angry! Writing a letter and NOT sending it is not the goal. I have a huge urge to just "stick it to him" so I feel better. I think he's so stupid and yes, I know it's his decision no matter how it pans out but I can't lay it to rest. Thoughts?

[aloneinaz]

My thoughts?

 

Let it go. It ended what 10 months ago now? Ask yourself why you're still so angry? What good will "telling him off" do? If I had an ex come at me 10 months later and told me off, I'd think-

 

* She still loves me and hasn't gotten over it.

* That she needs to get a life and move on.

* Possibly be scared for my well being.

 

There's absolutely NO value in doing anything but enjoying your new guy. Everyone has been screwed over by an ex. It comes with relationships. Harbouring resentment and anger is NOT healthy or productive.

 

Seriously, focus on your new guy and stop thinking about your past that you can't change. Let more time pass and you won't give a flying hoot about that old relationship.

[dumbass2]

No no no!! Focus all your energy and thoughts on this new relationship. Learn from the past one, but do not let it get in the way of this one or this one will be over before you know it.

 

It's hard, but look at what it's in front of you, not behind you!

[Emaize3]

Thank you all for helping me see straight. I have a great man now and that's all that counts!