Shocking: She broke-up, she regretted, I left home, now she hates me

[tito1501]

Firstly, thank you for reading.

 

Me and my girlfriend (both 23) moved to a new city. However, in this city I dont know anyone and I got bored because I will only start working soon; she already started.

 

When feeling bored, I told her many times that I only came to this city earlier than my start date because she had to work. I also told her that I was feeling a bit lonely and wanted to see some family/ friends.

 

Therefore, she wanted to break up because she wants to be with a stable person who dont need to see mamma or gramma when feeling lonely. She got mad when I tried to see my mother, either going to her house or bringing her home. She said that she will never accept a guy that SUDDENLY wants to see a lot of people. She said she is not enough for me.

 

I told her I respected her decision, but she had to understand that I didnt create this situation. I just wanted to see some people and socialize more. My life could not depend only on seeing my girlfriend 4 hours in the evening. Moreover, I asked for apologies for having said that I came just because of her. Equally important, I was still treating her very well, giving her attention, love, flowers etc.

 

After two days I asked her if that was what she really wanted. She said she could continue with me but she wanted this to stop. I told her that I understood but she failed to support me in times of difficulty. My mother is getting divorced, my gramma just got better from a tumor surgery etc. I reminded her when I brought her up from a bad phase in her life instead of leaving her.

 

Consequently, I told her I wanted to be with her but needed some days by myself. To think about everything. I told her she had to consider everything I said and that she needs to gain respect about my person. Life is not like this, you break up with a guy and two days later he is your dog again. I also said I would still respect her and in a few days I would be back.

 

When she saw me packing up, she was DESPERATE. BEGGING like a dog for me to stay, on the floor, crying. I told her I HAD to to this. I told her I had too much and could not forget everything she did and pretend I was happy. I needed to heal myself inside and to enjoy myself. I saw her face one last time and left home.

 

She sent me a message saying that she will never forgive me. Saying that a real man does not abandon his girlfriend. That she hates me and wanted me dead (wtf). That she had a person like that before and she will NEVER want to be with someone like this again. Lastly, she said that if I send her one more message she will block me.

 

I would like to know how to act. In a second she loves me, suddenly, she hates me. I think that if I stay silent, she will reflect about everything and respect me more.

[smudge21]

So if I'm getting this right, you moved for her but wanted to see friends/family at times and she got annoyed at that. Threatened to dump you because of it and give you grief afterwards, even trying to dictate who you have in your life, including your own family. She pushes you to the point where you leave and then she turns into someone who throws out death threats. Nice girl.

 

I reckon you did the right thing and shouldn't look back. Every relationship has it's bad times and it's how the couple deal with them that dictates how strong that love is and how long they'll last. Yours had a minor disagreement and she went into a very controlling manner. I will say though that maybe you jumped ship a bit too early but her reaction to that would not have made me want to go back, ever.

 

From her words, it seems she's been here before with a guy leaving her so I'm going to suggest she problem causes her own problems by trying to control the relationship. You can't do that - a relationship has to be 50/50 with equal amounts of trust and respect. She clearly wanted things her way or nothing else, and the fact you walked, it took all the control away from her and hence now the death threat etc.

 

If you do decide to talk to her again, stand your ground and make it clear how you feel and what you want from a relationship. I'd personally be put off by the anger she showed when you stopped kissing her ass and walked out. That would be a red flag to going back. You also have to think that maybe at such a young age, you both want different things so maybe moving on is best alround.

[Survivor12]

I have a different perspective. You moved together to a new city. I can understand your gf being both confused and disappointed & would guess, based on her reaction, that she expected it to be a bonding experience--the two of you facing the ups and downs of a new beginning--on your own, together. Instead, you aren't all in & she is feeling misled and abandoned.

 

When I was first married (I was 21) my H (23) and I moved away from our family and friends as he had a new job opportunity. I wasn't working so I spent my days getting to know the area, meeting our neighbors and doing what I could to make our apartment a home. Soon after, I was offered part-time work by the manager of the apartment complex.

 

I can tell you that I was a bit homesick at first and a bit apprehensive about the many changes in my life, but two things kept me going--the excitement of being on our own & the feeling of having a partner to share it all with (the freedom & the fears). I had never felt closer to him than I did in those days as we faced challenges and sought out new adventures. Had I been on my own, I wouldn't have lasted more than a week. Instead, it was us against the world.

 

That said, perhaps you aren't as invested in the relationship as she is or ready to

begin a life away from your family. Whatever the reason, it seems apparent that the two of you are simply not on the same page. In fact, it sounds as though you have a communication problem. For you to interpret her disappointment as hatred is silly. Someone who hates you would not fall on their knees begging you to stay. She is HURTING. She is ANGRY. She is CONFUSED.

 

Talk to her, but more important LISTEN to what she is saying about how she FEELS. Or, leave her alone. Walk away and don't look back. Just don't play games.

[Els]

 

Therefore, she wanted to break up because she wants to be with a stable person who dont need to see mamma or gramma when feeling lonely. She got mad when I tried to see my mother, either going to her house or bringing her home.

 

Okay, hold on a second here. You (used to) live with your gf, correct? Does this mean that you invited your mother to come stay with you and your gf, without your gf's consent???

 

I mean, I agree that she was being controlling if she was preventing you from going to visit your mother (assuming it was a reasonable frequency like 1-2x/week), but you can't just bring your mother over to stay at a house that you share with your partner without your partner agreeing to it...

 

How long ago did you and your gf move to this new place?

 

Anyway, it's understandable that she would respond in that manner to you leaving her. If you turn someone down when they beg you to stay, obviously self-preservation would kick in and they would feel anger instead after. It's possible that this is truly over.

[tito1501]

Okay, hold on a second here. You (used to) live with your gf, correct? Does this mean that you invited your mother to come stay with you and your gf, without your gf's consent???

 

I mean, I agree that she was being controlling if she was preventing you from going to visit your mother (assuming it was a reasonable frequency like 1-2x/week), but you can't just bring your mother over to stay at a house that you share with your partner without your partner agreeing to it...

 

How long ago did you and your gf move to this new place?

 

Anyway, it's understandable that she would respond in that manner to you leaving her. If you turn someone down when they beg you to stay, obviously self-preservation would kick in and they would feel anger instead after. It's possible that this is truly over.

 

We had been living together for 8 months now. My mother never came here, only for my graduation. I never invited my mother without her consent.

 

Now she said she does not understand how I can feel incomplete if we are together. I told her that I feel complete relationship-wise. But I feel incomplete in my social life at the moment, and she needs to understand that.

 

I understand your point Elswyth, but if I had stayed in that apartment, she would never gain respect for my person.

 

I just felt that she would still be the same, not understanding that I have other needs on top of being with her in the evening.

[Els]

We had been living together for 8 months now.

 

I'm still confused, sorry. I asked how long ago you two moved to a new city, is 8 months the answer? Why did it take 8 months to start your job in that case?

 

My mother never came here, only for my graduation. I never invited my mother without her consent.

Ah, okay, fair enough. How often were you visiting your mother/grandmother? Are we talking just once a week or more like every day?

 

I understand your point Elswyth, but if I had stayed in that apartment, she would never gain respect for my person.

 

I just felt that she would still be the same, not understanding that I have other needs on top of being with her in the evening.

Did you make an effort to go out and try to make friends in the city the two of you live in?

[tito1501]

I'm still confused, sorry. I asked how long ago you two moved to a new city, is 8 months the answer? Why did it take 8 months to start your job in that case?

 

Ah, okay, fair enough. How often were you visiting your mother/grandmother? Are we talking just once a week or more like every day?

 

Did you make an effort to go out and try to make friends in the city the two of you live in?

 

We moved to the new city 40 days ago.

The only relative I saw was my mother for one week this entire period.

I did an effort, I even got a veeery ****ty job, but I do not speak the language, so it was a bit difficult.

 

 

She even said that we should see our parents together, travel together. Wtf??? I am not going for parties, it is to see my family.

 

What should I do now? How should I act? Should I be absent for a while? The last thing I got from her is that she hates me and will never forgive me (plus..wants me dead). She sent all this after I sent her an audio saying that I did this for our own good, that I did not abandon .. That I still love her and reaaaaally need a space for..4...5 days.

[Els]

We moved to the new city 40 days ago.

The only relative I saw was my mother for one week this entire period.

I did an effort, I even got a veeery ****ty job, but I do not speak the language, so it was a bit difficult.

 

 

She even said that we should see our parents together, travel together. Wtf??? I am not going for parties, it is to see my family.

 

What should I do now? How should I act? Should I be absent for a while? The last thing I got from her is that she hates me and will never forgive me (plus..wants me dead). She sent all this after I sent her an audio saying that I did this for our own good, that I did not abandon .. That I still love her and reaaaaally need a space for..4...5 days.

 

If she was so strongly against you seeing your mother for one week before you start work (after which visiting will presumably be more difficult), I think she's being quite controlling and you're dodging a bullet. At the very least, you two aren't compatible. This will not change in the future.

[tito1501]

If she was so strongly against you seeing your mother for one week before you start work (after which visiting will presumably be more difficult), I think she's being quite controlling and you're dodging a bullet. At the very least, you two aren't compatible. This will not change in the future.

 

Yes that makes sense. She said things such as: how can your mother come to see you if she claims she has no money now. If she comes, we will not be able to go out that often because she has no money...

 

 

All that you said makes sense. Do you think a person will not change after a shock like this? I wanted to give her a few days to think about everything. I assume now it is an all in.

[Gr8fuln2020]

@tito1501,

 

Does she have a good, loving relationship with her family? Curious...

 

I do have a point asking this depending on the answer.

[tito1501]

@tito1501,

 

Does she have a good, loving relationship with her family? Curious...

 

I do have a point asking this depending on the answer.

 

She does have a good relationship with her family. But she does jot get that I always lived as a single child my whole life with only my mother. Our connection is unique. She does not get it. She says Iam the runaway to mamma kind of guy

[TXGuy]

She made death threats.

 

Anyway, it's understandable that she would respond in that manner to you leaving her. If you turn someone down when they beg you to stay, obviously self-preservation would kick in and they would feel anger instead after. It's possible that this is truly over.

 

If OP had been a woman asking the same advice, this thread would be filled with advice to call the police, press charges, get a restraining order, and never see the 'abuser' again (and probably even some suggestions to get a male relative to beat the buy up).

 

You can skip all the law enforcement stuff, but you should not go back to this woman. You can find much better.

Edited August 28, 2016 by TXGuy

[Popsicle]

Absolutely take the space for a few days and then come back to this thread to ask us what to do to get back with her if you still want to.

 

Personally, I think this sounds like a lifelong strenuous relationship and I'd just let her go. Either that or there is more to the story that you are leaving out.

[elaine567]

My guess is that for her moving to a new city with you was a big deal. It was you and she as a couple, you and she against the world, you and she exploring a new environment, but YOU got bored and went back to your mother and that is not how it was supposed to work.

 

By being bored and seeking out others, especially your mother, you in effect rejected her and what she was offering, so she broke up with you, but she said she would continue if things were better.

BUT YOU then decide to pack up and leave despite her begging you not to go. I am not sure where all this "she needs to respect me" comes from, I guess it ruined any chance you had with her here.

YOU in her eyes have rejected her completely and now she hates you.

I guess it is over.

 

(As an aside. She is jealous of your mother and you seem to be highly dependent on your mother, maybe you need to sort that out before you get involved in future relationships.)

[Survivor12]

She made death threats.

 

 

 

Oh, please. It was an excited utterance--not a threat. Good grief.

[TXGuy]

She made death threats.

 

 

 

Oh, please. It was an excited utterance--not a threat. Good grief.

 

That's fine. As long as you think it is ok for a man to do the same to a woman.

 

And an 'excited utterance' is an exception to the hearsay rule of evidence. It is not a defense against making a threatening statement.

[Survivor12]

 

That's fine. As long as you think it is ok for a man to do the same to a woman.

 

And an 'excited utterance' is an exception to the hearsay rule of evidence. It is not a defense against making a threatening statement.

 

I am aware of the legal meaning.

 

Saying that "I wish" is not a threat. She didn't say, "I'm going to kill you or even I am going to see you dead". No one--woman or man--can file charges based on a "wish".

 

And, frankly, no I wouldn't be okay with a man saying it--it's quite adolescent. If a man said it to me, I'd probably laugh in his face & tell him that he sounds like a teenaged girl.

[Gr8fuln2020]

...Saying that a real man does not abandon his girlfriend...

 

I love it. So predictable. I think it interesting how the people who are being dumped use words like "abandon" or a "real" man this and that....

 

Yes, clearly there are people who do so. But there are also people who leave a relationship b/c it is the safest, healthiest thing to do. I was accused of "abandoning" a relationship...argh. I made it clear that trying to make me feel guilty was not going to work, in fact, fueled my need to move on, away from the crap that was unilaterally introduced into what could have been a relationship of a lifetime. Perhaps another thread ? Thank goodness.

 

Many times it takes a man or a courageous woman to simply WALK AWAY.

 

Okay. Yeah. She likely doesn't understand your connection to your mother. Or doesn't care. She sounds like someone who wants to supplant your mother and her influence so that she can take over. Does she feel threatened by your mother?

[Mikau]

She made death threats.

 

 

 

If OP had been a woman asking the same advice, this thread would be filled with advice to call the police, press charges, get a restraining order, and never see the 'abuser' again (and probably even some suggestions to get a male relative to beat the buy up).

 

You can skip all the law enforcement stuff, but you should not go back to this woman. You can find much better.

 

"I will kill you" is a death threat.

 

"I hope you die" is an immature way of saying you don't want that person in your life anymore.

 

There is a massive difference.

[callingyouuu]

...lastly, she said that if I send her one more message she will block me.

 

I would like to know how to act. In a second she loves me, suddenly, she hates me. I think that if I stay silent, she will reflect about everything and respect me more.

 

I think your next step depends on what you want. Clearly, she feels threatened by your relationship with your family. If that's something you're willing to work through, then I'd call her and focus the conversation on understanding her perspective rather than getting too defensive. If it's not something you're willing to work through, then just move forward and don't look back.

 

Just as an FYI, using the terms "bored" and "lonely" weren't the most diplomatic ways to express your feelings, since it implied to your girlfriend that she wasn't enough for you and makes her afraid that you'll want to leave her. It probably would have been sufficient just to say that it's been a while and you'd like to see how your mom is doing one more time before things get busy with your job. Not that it matters at this point, but I can see how some of the phrasing may have made her feel insecure, especially in such a transition phase in both of your lives.

 

(As an aside. She is jealous of your mother and you seem to be highly dependent on your mother, maybe you need to sort that out before you get involved in future relationships.)

 

To be fair to both parties, I would also argue that the girlfriend needs to sort out her jealousy issues before getting involved in future relationships.

[TXGuy]

"I will kill you" is a death threat.

 

"I hope you die" is an immature way of saying you don't want that person in your life anymore.

 

There is a massive difference.

 

And "I want you dead" is somewhere in the middle.

 

We don't know exactly what she said since OP did not elaborate and no one seemed interested enough to ask. My point was that nobody seemed very concerned about this comment and I think that might have been different if Jill, rather than Jack, was posting.