YouMe Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Has anyone ever had a phone only relationship? Is it unhealthy? What if it never leads to meeting, is it a waste of time? I'm kind of enjoying it. I met someone online one month after breaking up with my live-in boyfriend. We spoke a couple of times on the phone (about two hours each time) and I enjoyed it very much. He asked me some pretty personal things about my relationship and how we broke up and I reluctantly discussed these things with him. I told him I'm dating other people but am in no shape to be in a relationship. But I really wanted to stay friends with him and I asked if he would like to meet for coffee. He didn't respond to my request. He called me once after that and then I didn't hear from him for a month and a half. I was dissapointed for some reason but I got over it. Recently (2.5 months after break up) he emailed me asking if he could call me again and I yes. So we have started chatting on the phone and it's great. I'm growing rather fond of him. Looking forward to his call. But still dating other people. But he does not ask to meet me. What do you guys think this is about? If he doesn't want to meet me. What purpose am I serving him by just talking on the phone. I like talk to him because he is intelligent and wise in an old world way. He also makes me feel good about myself which of course is lovely. If this keeps up I'm sure I'll be dying to meet him. Do you think he knows that? I hope this isn't a game. I kind of suspect it is though I'm not sure it's conscious. I never initiate the calls and I have told him I won't because "I don't chase." I really maintain this because I'm old fashioned in a lot of ways and it's easier if there is that understanding. He doesn't appear to mind this dynamic. So should I keep this up or is it too weird? Should I just save my emotional pennies for a more conventional relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
CurvyGurl Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 That would drive me slowly out of my mind. I need tangible affection. He could just move slow. My SO moves VERY SLOW. We've been dating about 5 weeks and would still be talking on the phone if I hadn't said I couldn't wait to meet him. He felt encouraged by that and asked me out. If you want to meet him in person, tell him. As far as the 'you call me, I'm not chasing you,' thing... zip it. Guys don't go out with girls who yap all day abot what they aren't going to do. Don't tell him what you're about. SHOW him. However, I believe it's perfectly fine if you chase EACH OTHER. I don't mind calling my SO, I just don't wanna be the only one calling. And neither does he. Seems like some game playing and you're trying to avoid being hurt and hurting him. Your brick wall is probably holding him back. Link to post Share on other sites
Dasani Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 You're apparently in the aural-rebounding stage. yep you have the most physically safe boyfriend you could have Now you have to get into the visual- rebound stage. Maybe a picture swapped.. or gasp a video chat- where AUDIO AND VIDEO are presented at the SAME time. Perhaps maybe it'll be an overwhelming 5-SENSES-rebound stage where you can see, hear, smell, touch and taste <=oD just watch yourself emotionally... Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 this probably put him off: "I told him I'm dating other people but am in no shape to be in a relationship. But I really wanted to stay friends with him..." and this: 'I never initiate the calls and I have told him I won't because "I don't chase."' so basically you told him he has to put in all the effort with no reciprocation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyann Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 How about just asking him if he would like to meet? Make sure you mention that it is important to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Is this a LDR? If not, I'd be worried why it's strictly phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author YouMe Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 Thanks for the advice so far... No it's not a Long Distance Relationship at all. That's what is confusing me and in an email I suggested we meet for coffee to see if we have any friend chemistry and he called me once after that and then didn't call again for a month. I thought maybe I was being too forward or something so that's another reason why I don't call him except to return his calls. I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much because I've been on several dates with real live people that have left me feeling not interested at all! There is something about the emotional intimacy of our telephone conversations that is very seductive. I thought I was the one afraid of getting involved but maybe it's really the other way around. We have seen each others pictures by the way. I think he looks hot (he doesn't know that) and he tells me he thinks I am very attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 There is something about the emotional intimacy of our telephone conversations that is very seductive That may well be, but if you are actually living in the same city and he doesn't want to meet you, that's major suspicious. Could be he's already attached. You don't even call him so he doesn't have to fear you calling and having his wife/gf answer - or the kids! Look: He asked me some pretty personal things about my relationship and how we broke up and I reluctantly discussed these things with him That is creepy. I asked if he would like to meet for coffee. He didn't respond to my request. Rude and wierd. I'm growing rather fond of him. You're not. You're growing fond of the man you imagine you is/he tells you he is. Without having met him, you have no idea if he's anything like the way he describes himself and you certainly don't know all you need to know about him. What purpose am I serving him by just talking on the phone There is something about the emotional intimacy of our telephone conversations that is very seductive. There's your answer. I've run into a couple of people in my time who would be emotionally intimate on the phone only. Why? Who knows. It's a fantasy or it fill something they're missing or maybe it is a game. Whatever, this is not any kind of relationship. If you want to conduct a telephone pseudo-fantasy with him for the heck of it, do so. However if you want a real relationship and you live in the same city you need to be dealing with someone who actually wants to spend time with you in person. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme That may well be, but if you are actually living in the same city and he doesn't want to meet you, that's major suspicious. Could be he's already attached. You don't even call him so he doesn't have to fear you calling and having his wife/gf answer - or the kids! If you want to conduct a telephone pseudo-fantasy with him for the heck of it, do so. However if you want a real relationship and you live in the same city you need to be dealing with someone who actually wants to spend time with you in person. Completely agree. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme That may well be, but if you are actually living in the same city and he doesn't want to meet you, that's major suspicious. Could be he's already attached. You don't even call him so he doesn't have to fear you calling and having his wife/gf answer - or the kids! Or he's afraid of commitment. Or doing this with dozens of girls, and you're number 17 on his list to date. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 I've been in this situation too. Met someone, he took my phone number, kept sending me texts but didn't seem interested in actually meeting up. I found the whole text thing dithery, irritating and a bit childish (there was a definite sense of games-playing about it all) so I deleted his number from my phone and stopped responding to any of the messages. Some people maybe enjoy text-only flirtation, and there's no harm in that. I wouldn't call this sort of situation unhealthy - unless you're starting to obsess about it. It just seems a bit of a waste of time, and not something you'd be wise to put any emotional investment into. Fair enough if you're miles apart and it's difficult to meet up, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by YouMe He asked me some pretty personal things about my relationship and how we broke up and I reluctantly discussed these things with him. If you feel uncomfortable discussing something, then don't, especially with a person you don't know well. I would find it odd, if you two live within a couple of hours of eachother, that he wouldn't want to meet you, even if you both just wanted to be strictly pals. If you want to keep him as a phone buddy, that's cool, but be realistic about what this guy wants, which is to just chat with you on occasion when he feels like it. Link to post Share on other sites
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