What do I do about him? Just not attracted?

August 28, 2016

I went out on a date last night with a guy I met online, and he was the sweetest thing ever. He lives 30 minutes away but offered to pick me up and take me to the movies and pay for everything after I said I couldn't go out as I'd spent most of my money that week and I had to pay off other things.

Anyway, after a lot of convincing I finally agreed and he picked me up. Unlike any other guys, he even asked if he wanted me to have him come to the door or just wait for him outside. When I got into the car the conversation instantly flowed, and it really felt like I'd just been reunited with my best friend again, the conversation was great, we were laughing and it wasn't anywhere near awkward. I noticed that I wasn't immediately really attracted to him, as he's someone that I'd never go for if I just met him on the street. Because of my lack of attraction, I sort of let the conversation play out as if I was talking and joking with a friend. Naturally I'd be more shy and self conscious around a guy I was attracted to physically (and mentally) meeting for the first time. There wasn't a sense of attraction and romance for me if that makes sense.

The movie was great, we made some conversation where we could and we drove to the beach afterwards and talked for a good two hours. I was surprised because I've never had a meaningful conversation where everything was endless and we were just talking about everything; I've definitely never felt that comfortable around someone I hadn't been in a relationship or friendship for some time which was amazing. He told me about everything, from his family and friends, to his childhood, recent girlfriends, bad dates, funny memories, broken bones, etc. I feel bad admitting I was a little uncomfortable when he put his arm around me and tried to lean in for a kiss, which I feigned not noticing and being completely unfazed about lol. It made me feel a little weird too when he kept saying I should meet his friend and family, that they would like me and whatnot, especially it being a first date but I didn't let it bother me too much. He also kept expressing it was the best date he'd been on yet, and was asking when we'd go out again, etc.

I don't have much experience in the dating world at all, in fact I just got out of my first ever long term relationship almost two months ago, which I admit is the reason I've been trying to date and meet new people. It really is just a way for me to get over the breakup. I also mentioned this to my date which he seemed relatively at ease about.

When we finally arrived at my house, he gave me a hug and proceeded to kiss me. I didn't want to kiss him and I still wasn't interested or attracted to him at this point, and it felt a little like I was kissing my brother.. I let him kiss me regardless and when I got inside I texted him and thanked him for the date, and that I'd had a great time.

He replied with "That's okay beautiful! I had an amazing night <3 I hope you did too! Hope too see you next time x "

I didn't reply to that text and he texted me again the today in the afternoon asking me how my day was. I said it was good and he kept asking me when I was free next, as he'd like to climb this mountain with me. I said Wednesday afternoon I may be free, and he seems really excited and keen to go with me.

I feel so confused. I genuinely enjoy this guys company, but I'd have to say only as a friend. I'm sure he is looking for something more but I don't know if I'm coming across as receptive to his intentions.. I hate sounding like a stuck up brat when I say I'm not physically attracted to him, but I'm just no. Maybe I'm young, but a lot of chemistry for me has to do with physical attraction and of course, emotional connection. It also has me thinking that I just could not imagine us having sex together if we ever were to be more than friends.

This guy is wonderful and genuinely a nice guy, and I guess I'm just a little afraid of disappointing him. I'm not sure where this is all going, and if I should talk to him about this. I'm thinking of leaving it till we climb the mountain, and if he is still making romantic advancemnets, maybe let him down/know. I think he'd make a really good friend of mine..

thoughts??

August 28, 2016

You come across as someone who is used to that initial sudden attraction and then the dating game, rather than meeting someone and seeing where it leads. Sadly for this guy, he's not ticked that first box for you and that's it; you've already closed the door and any possibility of this going further (despite the fact of how well you got along with him). Sad in many ways, as sometimes the best relationships can come from the unexpected, as opposed to what we're used to.

Can I ask how your previous relationships have gone, the ones where they began with you being attracted to them, and then getting to know them? I wonder because sometimes that initial attraction can blind us to what the person is truly like; we fall for them physically and ignore the rest. I've done that many times. However, I've also done the other way round where I've started seeing someone who didn't tick my attraction boxes but overtime I started to fall for them mentally, which in turn made them attractive to me - if that makes sense.

I get totally what you say about your lack or attraction therefore you were able to talk to him and the conversation just flowed. Same for me when I'm not attracted to someone - it's like you feel you're not trying to impress anyone, so you just be yourself. That's how it was for someone I wasn't attracted to at first, but then overtime, the attraction grew from getting to know her. She went from someone I just saw as a friend, to someone I truly loved. I recall how this actually affected how I saw her - she went from not my type to wow she's beautiful. Funny how that works.

As to how you proceed, then you need to be honest with him and be ready to say goodbye. It's clear he wants more and the longer you let this play out, the more hurt he's going to feel. Don't do it over text though, at least a phone call. It shows a tad more respect.

August 28, 2016

BTW it's not a great idea to meet guys from OLD in their cars for the first meet. You have no idea who they are so it's best to meet at a public place early on.

Also, anyone you meet through OLD is going to assume it's for romantic purposes so this guy is certainly not thinking about being just friends.

August 28, 2016

Agreed, meet at a public place for the first few dates.

And, it's been one date. If you enjoy his company, go out with him again. See what happens. There has to be some attraction there, but it likely won't be fireworks like you may expect. If I think about my current boyfriend - I didn't want to sleep with him after the first date either. The attraction grew from getting to know him. Sometimes, these feelings take time to develop.

August 28, 2016

He seems WAY more into you than you are him and unless he is out of shape or skinny-fat or his face isn't appealing to you this is probably why you lost attraction.

I say lost because you agreed to go out with him for some reason in the first place.

If you didn't find him attractive and were just bored, cut him lose now.

August 28, 2016

If you aren't physically attracted to him I think you're better off letting him go.

I suspect that most men wouldn't want to keep driving and paying for dates with a woman that knows she isn't physically attracted to him, doesn't want to kiss him, and can't imagine ever having sex with him. They'd probably feel taken advantage of.

You said you're young, which means it makes even less sense to be with someone who you don't find physically attractive. You have plenty of time and plenty of options.

August 28, 2016

He seems WAY more into you than you are him and unless he is out of shape or skinny-fat or his face isn't appealing to you this is probably why you lost attraction.

I say lost because you agreed to go out with him for some reason in the first place.
If you didn't find him attractive and were just bored, cut him lose now.

Agreed. Don't waste your time or his.

August 28, 2016

You told him you had a great time and now you're going to have to tell him you had a great time and he seems like a great guy for someone but that you know he's not your match, but wish him luck finding the right one. You know, say something like, Honestly, I really thought you were great, but the feelings I had for you were just more brotherly. It's nothing you did. We're just not the right match romantically. Sorry. And if you have a friend you think might be a good match, you can always invite them both to happy hour sometime along with another friend of yours and that would be nice.

August 28, 2016

I've had similar situations with girls I went on dates with. I think the only advice I would give you is to be honest - but deliver the information in a polite way.

I try not to say I am not physically attracted to you - that's a kick in the guts for anyone. Instead when I've spoken to girls in these situations I talk about "our compatibility" or "our chemistry" as its more inclusive and mutual and allows the other person to agree with you thus not seeming like it's a direct attack on their attractiveness. Then just simply say it seemed more like good friends then something romantic and that you would love to keep seeing them but as friends.

I found this works and I am actually still really good friends with a couple of the girls this happened with.

August 28, 2016

You come across as someone who is used to that initial sudden attraction and then the dating game, rather than meeting someone and seeing where it leads. Sadly for this guy, he's not ticked that first box for you and that's it; you've already closed the door and any possibility of this going further (despite the fact of how well you got along with him). Sad in many ways, as sometimes the best relationships can come from the unexpected, as opposed to what we're used to.

Can I ask how your previous relationships have gone, the ones where they began with you being attracted to them, and then getting to know them? I wonder because sometimes that initial attraction can blind us to what the person is truly like; we fall for them physically and ignore the rest. I've done that many times. However, I've also done the other way round where I've started seeing someone who didn't tick my attraction boxes but overtime I started to fall for them mentally, which in turn made them attractive to me - if that makes sense.

I get totally what you say about your lack or attraction therefore you were able to talk to him and the conversation just flowed. Same for me when I'm not attracted to someone - it's like you feel you're not trying to impress anyone, so you just be yourself. That's how it was for someone I wasn't attracted to at first, but then overtime, the attraction grew from getting to know her. She went from someone I just saw as a friend, to someone I truly loved. I recall how this actually affected how I saw her - she went from not my type to wow she's beautiful. Funny how that works.

As to how you proceed, then you need to be honest with him and be ready to say goodbye. It's clear he wants more and the longer you let this play out, the more hurt he's going to feel. Don't do it over text though, at least a phone call. It shows a tad more respect.

I'm so glad someone brought this up! Yes, The actual relationship I was talking about, my first long term relationship that I'm getting over now, was with someone that I had no real physical attraction to at all. However we had a great friendship at first and I found that from the moment he had first kissed me, I was instantly hooked. I guess from my view, viewing him as a friend the whole date sort of set things up for failure for when he made the move. I was just not into it at all. But I know exactly what you mean as I've experienced too, and I really did find love with that person.

August 28, 2016

Since friends first worked for you last time, give this guy a second date. It's just a hike. Then decide.

August 28, 2016

I think what I should also mention, which is extremely important and I don't know how I left this out, is that we don't have cultural compatibilities, which is very important to me and my family.. I come from a country where our culture, our history, our language and our spiritual beliefs are very important, and I'd like to be with someone that understands that, who has the same values and beliefs, and has family that are in sync with the culture as well.

This was also part of the reason I had gotten with my ex, who, as I mentioned above, I was not attracted to at first, but he had these qualities that I wanted in someone if that makes sense. I'm a big believer in loving whoever you want to love, anyone of any gender, race, etc. I guess this has been a deal breaker.

I have no problem with people that aren't of my culture, almost all of my friends aren't even from my country, but I guess for something long term and someone that I'd see a future with, I'd like them to be culturally in tune with me. If not next year, I'll be moving back very soon to do college there.

August 28, 2016

Since friends first worked for you last time, give this guy a second date. It's just a hike. Then decide.

That's what I'd like to do. Things aren't serious of course so that's why I thought it would've been better to seek some advice before I was maybe put on the spot.. I definitely do not want to waste his time and money, but I enjoy his company and maybe he'd be willing to be a really good friend...

I'll just see how the hike goes.

August 28, 2016

Problem with that is if he's really attracted to you, you're just giving him false hope and having him around, he will do everything he can to make it seem like you're his girlfriend and be a real boyfriend repellant, so think that through.

August 29, 2016

I've been in this situation before. I met a great guy off line and we seemed to have quite a bit in common. He look charge in arranging dates, texting, and eventually even calling. He said pretty early on that he "really liked me, wasn't seeing anyone, and wanted to see where this goes."

Anyways, overtime it became very evident he was much more into me than I was into him. He was very sweet, but I just was NOT physically attracted and felt less chemistry as the dates went on. I would actually try to find ways to move away from his touch and when he did touch me I fely repulsed (strong word but true)

If you are having this immediate "no thanks" reaction early on I'd say that's a sign that this guy is not for you. Cut the cord with him early as to avoid hurting his feelings.

For me personally... I let my relationship drag on with this guy I wasn't super attracted to because he was so nice and he was actually instigating the relationship and moving it forward. Usually I am the one who brings up the "what are we/exclusivity convo" and he did it so early and even asked to be my bf. It was so amazing to me. I thought "wow, what a great guy. He's so sincere and very into me.... however I'm just not attracted" and it made me feel so shallow.

But I realized you should be able to have both parts in a relationship a nice guy who treats you well + someone you're attracted to. Anything else is settling and neither of you will be happy in the end.

August 29, 2016

I tend to use the kiss as a barometer for attraction these days.

If I kiss a woman and feel *nothing*, that's game, set and match.

There's no point trying to manufacture chemistry where there is none.

He may be a perfectly wonderful guy; That doesn't mean he's right right one for you.

Don't waste his time and emotional energy leading him on. Let him go.

August 29, 2016

This is what we like to call "friend zone" Just be up front if you're really not attracted to him, but all the things you love about him, despite not physically being attracted to might change over time the more you get to know him. Love works in mysterious way

August 29, 2016

Problem with that is if he's really attracted to you, you're just giving him false hope and having him around, he will do everything he can to make it seem like you're his girlfriend and be a real boyfriend repellant, so think that through.

I wouldn't say I was/am giving him false hope, as I made no real romantic moves towards him on the date until I sort of had to (when he kissed me). He still hasn't talked about anything serious, like a relationship, so I'm trying not to think of this too seriously.. There is also quite an age gap between us (he's older) that might make him rethink things.

August 29, 2016

I've been in this situation before. I met a great guy off line and we seemed to have quite a bit in common. He look charge in arranging dates, texting, and eventually even calling. He said pretty early on that he "really liked me, wasn't seeing anyone, and wanted to see where this goes."

Anyways, overtime it became very evident he was much more into me than I was into him. He was very sweet, but I just was NOT physically attracted and felt less chemistry as the dates went on. I would actually try to find ways to move away from his touch and when he did touch me I fely repulsed (strong word but true)

If you are having this immediate "no thanks" reaction early on I'd say that's a sign that this guy is not for you. Cut the cord with him early as to avoid hurting his feelings.

For me personally... I let my relationship drag on with this guy I wasn't super attracted to because he was so nice and he was actually instigating the relationship and moving it forward. Usually I am the one who brings up the "what are we/exclusivity convo" and he did it so early and even asked to be my bf. It was so amazing to me. I thought "wow, what a great guy. He's so sincere and very into me.... however I'm just not attracted" and it made me feel so shallow.

But I realized you should be able to have both parts in a relationship a nice guy who treats you well + someone you're attracted to. Anything else is settling and neither of you will be happy in the end.

So glad someone has been through a similar experience with similar feelings!

I 100% agree that you should have both of those "parts" in a relationship for it to be successful. I also agree that I should cut the cord, with me feeling so detached from him early on. I'd love to establish a friendship with him though, but I can see how frustrating that would be for him if he truly wants anything more.

August 29, 2016

I wouldn't say I was/am giving him false hope, as I made no real romantic moves towards him on the date until I sort of had to (when he kissed me). He still hasn't talked about anything serious, like a relationship, so I'm trying not to think of this too seriously.. There is also quite an age gap between us (he's older) that might make him rethink things.

Sorry, but you most definitely are.

Most women don't make that many (obvious) romantic moves anyway, even if they are interested. If a woman behaved like you did, I would be pretty sure she is interested.Hell, I've even had women pull away and avoid a kiss that were interested.

August 29, 2016

I noticed that I wasn't immediately really attracted to him, as he's someone that I'd never go for if I just met him on the street.

Woah, hold the reins there.

I don't get it, you met him online, but...you said he'd be someone you'd never bother with if you had "met him on the street."

This is something someone would say, but with the "online dating vs. meeting in real life"...switched around.

Usually they always say, "I'm SO glad I met him in person, because otherwise I would have ignored him online!"

Or...did you just overlook his photos or other essential stats?

I tend to use the kiss as a barometer for attraction these days.

Nah, there's no need for even that. If you're mind is already made up BEFORE the kiss, then why bother?

Edited August 29, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

August 29, 2016

Woah, hold the reins there.

I don't get it, you met him online, but...you said he'd be someone you'd never bother with if you had "met him on the street."

This is something someone would say, but with the "online dating vs. meeting in real life"...switched around.

Usually they always say, "I'm SO glad I met him in person, because otherwise I would have ignored him online!"

Or...did you just overlook his photos or other essential stats?

Nah, there's no need for even that. If you're mind is already made up BEFORE the kiss, then why bother?

I said he's someone I wouldn't normally go for if I'd met him on the street. As I said, I'm very new to the dating scene and I wasn't particularly focused on his photos or things, but rather on just meeting new people and experiencing new things that I never have before.. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm just looking to meet new people, and if I feel romantically attracted to that person I'd like to take it further, but if not, then I still would value some sort of relationship/friendship (especially with him).

I agree. Having my mind made up before the kiss was a bit of a let down.

August 29, 2016

Sorry, but you most definitely are.

Most women don't make that many (obvious) romantic moves anyway, even if they are interested. If a woman behaved like you did, I would be pretty sure she is interested.Hell, I've even had women pull away and avoid a kiss that were interested.

If a woman behaved like I did? In my opinion it wasn't a very romantic date at all. I think making good conversation and trying to connect with someone on a date should be a necessity, it doesn't mean that person is interested. It wasn't as if I was going to be a brat and ignore him all night because I wasn't physically attracted to him, of course I would make an effort to talk.

Also sort of unlikely a woman told you she was into you so much that she pulled away from a kiss.

August 29, 2016

If a woman behaved like I did? In my opinion it wasn't a very romantic date at all. I think making good conversation and trying to connect with someone on a date should be a necessity, it doesn't mean that person is interested. It wasn't as if I was going to be a brat and ignore him all night because I wasn't physically attracted to him, of course I would make an effort to talk.

Also sort of unlikely a woman told you she was into you so much that she pulled away from a kiss.

You're going out on dates with him, allowing him to kiss you and accepting follow up dates.

Yes, you are signalling interest.

August 29, 2016

If a woman behaved like I did? In my opinion it wasn't a very romantic date at all. I think making good conversation and trying to connect with someone on a date should be a necessity, it doesn't mean that person is interested. It wasn't as if I was going to be a brat and ignore him all night because I wasn't physically attracted to him, of course I would make an effort to talk.

Also sort of unlikely a woman told you she was into you so much that she pulled away from a kiss.

By accepting dates and kissing him, you are showing him you are interested.

It's fine to talk and connect while on the date initially, but don't lead him on saying you had a great time, and don't let it get physical if you know you are not attracted to him.

And as to the unlikeness of a woman being into me if she pulled out of a kiss, this happened with my last long term gf initially.

She was playing a little hard to get.

I've also had it happen with girls that were a little shy and didn't like PDAs in public.

Edited August 29, 2016 by joseb

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What do I do about him? Just not attracted?

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