Why THEN? Why that MOMENT? [affair-related]

[ShatteredLady]

Often I read the stories of people's affairs.... We met, we became friends etc etc then one day it changed, crossed the line into an affair (often EA then PA).

 

What I'm interested in mostly is WHY THEN?

 

What was happening in your lives WS, OW, BS? Was it simply opportunity or were there extenuating circumstances, fight with a spouse, bad day, something, anything, that made THAT MOMENT the moment that the line was crossed?

 

 

In my 'story' my H had an affair with his coworker 12 years ago. Same old story. D-days, trickle truth etc. then it was all completely over. Life went on. Once or twice a year his OW would reach out. Mostly just 'life updates' for the whole group & the occasional, "Hi! How's life?" just for him.

 

Then we hit a rough spot. I had serious surgery. He lost his job. Lots of stress. One Monday he received a "Hey!" Via Linked-In. Nothing more. Just the 1 word.

 

It took my H a whole week to reply! His message was a well planned, emotionally manipulative long letter leaving her with little option but to reply. (I may dig it out & post it later. Depends how many margaritas I have tonight

 

It took 4 messages for him to ask her to create a secret account & the rest is history.

 

What happened in that week? What made this time different from all the other times? I find it really interesting.

I know our situation is a little unusual. I've gone over that week again & again, analyzed it out my wazzoo. What did I do? What did I say? Was there anything (as a bs) that I could of done differently. One little week....

 

 

Did you guys know it was coming? Did you plan for THAT to be the day, the moment? Do you think that your partner chose to escalate your 'friendship' at that time? Did you? Do you think it was something particular that the bs did or didn't do?

 

I'm also being nosey!! Just interested in your stories. This is a detail that most pass over in their threads.

 

Doesn't have to be all serious doom & gloom. It's MARGARITA night!! :D:D

[ladydesigner]

What was happening in your lives WS, OW, BS? Was it simply opportunity or were there extenuating circumstances, fight with a spouse, bad day, something, anything, that made THAT MOMENT the moment that the line was crossed?

 

As a fMOW what was it that made me cross the line. My WH was never home I was always raising the kids and he had stopped paying attention to me. When I discovered his EA/PA? I was hell bent on getting back (not my finest feature back then). My co-worker started paying attention to me and I started complaining about my M and the rest is history! It was totally opportunity and circumstances at the same time.

[ShatteredLady]

Thanks LadyD.

 

So....was there a specific moment when you thought "F-you I'm going for it!". Did you jump straight in or was in a steady build-up of "should I? Shouldn't I? I could stop now before it goes too far...."?

 

 

To be honest LS has played a big part in me NOT going for revenge but it did cross my mind. I wanted him to hurt just like I hurt but I know it's a terrible idea that wouldn't help at all. You've helped me with this one in the past.)

Edited August 28, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[ladydesigner]

Thanks LadyD.

 

So....was there a specific moment when you thought "F-you I'm going for it!". Did you jump straight in or was in a steady build-up of "should I? Shouldn't I? I could stop now before it goes too far...."?

 

 

To be honest LS has played a big part in me NOT going for revenge but it did cross my mind. I wanted him to hurt just like I hurt but I know it's a terrible idea that wouldn't help at all. You've helped me with this one in the past.)

 

Mine was a steady build up. I was definitely doing a 'should I'. I remember telling my own mother my feelings (she had 3 A's) and she always told me that A's don't solve anything! I still didn't listen to her

[Daisy2013]

He leaned over and pulled me to him and kissed me. It was the moment I had dreamed of. Took me by complete surprise. That memory it etched in my brain.

 

My marriage was bad, very bad, and I remember the day I gave up. But never thought of cheating. MM and I were strictly platonic friends, and it was innocent and easy-going, and we had fun together. One day, however, he confessed his feelings to me and it took off from there. I was unhappy, he said he was, and his wife was a shrew.

 

When he drew me to himself and kissed me, I truly thought we'd found each other and were meant to be. That was my moment. You would have to know his personality and his Christian beliefs to understand why I thought this way. Had I not thought we'd "found" each other and meant to be, I'd have slapped him.

 

Joke's on me.

[Chica80]

YES exact turning points exact moments, days and dates.

I will try to make it as short as possible.

 

Friday night there was a happy hour. By the end of the night it was only AP and I. We went dancing. There was some flirting and dancing. I was drunk (as I hardly ever drink). We hung out until I was sober enough to drive home. We talked, he asked is there anyone at work you like? I said no. Then after I had talked about some things he said he liked this girl "me" I said we are not going there. I went home.

We text over the weekend some. But it was not anything I would have hidden from my H.

 

Monday morning I wake up start getting ready for work. I'm completely naked trying to cuddle up to my husband. Kiss etc. He just lays there. Then pushes me off because he had to go to the bathroom. I was hurt and felt rejected. (This was not something new. This was something that we had discussed many times, a trigger of sorts for me wanting to cuddle up to him and be intimate. He rejecting me pushing me away. Something we had discussed in therapy). He comes back sees that I'm hurt and upset. He says we will spend some time together when you get home.

 

I go to work unsure how to act around AP. Who was only co-worker/friend still. After that evening I ask/text him did he always behave that way or was he drunk. He said no. And didn't I have fun. I say no fun is not the point It wasn't ok and could lead us into trouble so not a good idea to hang out like that anymore.

 

I walk in the door. As soon as I walk in my H starts going off about how my lil one had an awful day at pre-school. How she had been misbehaving and had been so difficult. That it was all my fault that if I had paid better attention to her and had a better weekend with her she would not have behaved that way. He's slamming doors throwing things on the table. I ignore him and don't give in. Eat dinner and go to bed.

 

The next day I go to work. I call my H from work. I said hey I know you were upset yesterday etc but it was not ok the way you spoke to me or acted. I would never treat you that way after you worked all day, were tired and as soon as you walk in start going off on you. Not to mention we were supposed to spend time together. He starts getting angry again about why he was upset. Justifications etc....

 

And that was it the point of no return I said to AP, do you want to go to drinks after work.

[ShatteredLady]

Daisy. Did you know that the kiss was coming or were you a bit shocked?

 

If he had done the exact same things the week, month, year before would you of reacted in the same way?

 

 

I warned you I was nosey. I'm sorry if I'm asking for TMI from you.

[Arieswoman]

SL,

In my situation I think it was a case of the right/wrong people being in the right/wrong place at the right/wrong time, coupled with the type of person my exH actually was and opportunity.

 

Briefly (according to him);

 

At the time a new girl joined my exH's team. One day he found her crying at work because she had problems with her fiance. He comforted her and said if she wanted to talk about it more they could go for a drink.

 

A week later they did.

 

It seems that her mother was in the process of divorcing her step-father for cruelty so her home situation was unstable.

(It seems that her mother had already divorced her father for cruelty - anyone see a pattern here?)

 

They went for another drink and then another.

 

How it moved from a EA to a PA I don't know, but it was totally devised and engineered by him with her as a willing participant.

 

As the affair progressed he became more and more nasty to me, sulking and verbally abusive. I thought he was under stress at work.

 

Then he said he wanted to borrow my car to go fishing for a w/e because he "needed a break to sort himself out". I was relieved because I thought at last he was doing something to improve the situation.

So I lent him my car, packed sandwiches and his case.

 

He was actually going to stay with her in a hotel.

 

By the November, the PA has been going 3 months. One day he said something really nasty to me. ( As I have said before I put up occasional verbal abuse from him because of FOO issues, but this really got to me)

 

I totally lost it and yelled like a banshee.

I said I was sick of his moods, his nasty remarks and his general bad attitude.

I pointed out that I earned more than he did, paid most of the bills, did most of the work about the house and he ought at least to show some respect.

I finished by saying that I wasn't prepared to live like this for another 20 odd years and that if this was what is was going to be like then I wanted a divorce.

He answered that my saying that ( get this !) had "killed the love he had for me".

 

I said fine, when was he leaving? He looked panicky and rushed out of the house.

 

I then moved out into the other bedroom and made plans to move (registered with an estate agent started packing things). I totally ignored him.

When he asked why the laundry wasn't done or there was no meal for him, I said that I wasn't going to be a housekeeper for a man who didn't love me and to get his own effing meals etc.

 

So of course he was now telling his AP that his wife was a horrible woman who wouldn't do housework !!

 

To answer the original questions, I can't really say what factors actually started the PA, probably the opportunity for the pair of them to get away from their respective partners at the same time.

[cocorico]

Often I read the stories of people's affairs.... We met, we became friends etc etc then one day it changed, crossed the line into an affair (often EA then PA).

 

What I'm interested in mostly is WHY THEN?

 

What was happening in your lives WS, OW, BS? Was it simply opportunity or were there extenuating circumstances, fight with a spouse, bad day, something, anything, that made THAT MOMENT the moment that the line was crossed?

 

 

I think for my H, it was a perfect storm. They'd been together in a dysfunctional R for decades, and he'd accepted that as "normal" - even though his family, friends etc tried to warn him. He made excuses for her behaviour, felt bound by his commitment to protect her against a hostile world... And the one day she attacked him physically, stormed out and separated for a year. During hat period, he gained some perspective - he was much happier on his own than with her. But the kids took it really badly, and she fell to pieces (it turns out her OM dumped her) and begged to come back. He agreed, on several conditions (MC, etc). She agreed, but didn't keep her side of the bargain. He felt he couldn't leave, and traumatise the kids again, so was resigned to staying until the kids were old enough. He slid into a deep depression.

 

Then he came out to my country for a work event. I met him and we hit it off, and stayed in touch. A year later he came out for another work event, and we went out in a group. The sparks flew, and I propositioned him. At the time, we both figured it would be a fling, a little something to leaven our days, nothing more. But we hit it off a little too well. As time went by we fell in love, he left the BW (the kids were older by now, and he spoke to them about the situation and they supported leaving her) and the rest is history.

 

So much could have been different. Without that initial split he would never have realised how bad the M was. If her OM hadn't dumped her, he'd have settled into happy single hood, maybe dated around a bit, while she enjoyed life with OM2. If she kept her promises when he took her back, they may have reconciled and had a healthier M. If he hadn't come out to my country, we wouldn't have met (he'd had other propositions before, but turned them down). If the A hadn't lasted as long, the kids hadn't grown in that time, hadn't realised they'd be happier with their parents apart...

[Daisy2013]

Daisy. Did you know that the kiss was coming or were you a bit shocked?

 

If he had done the exact same things the week, month, year before would you of reacted in the same way?

 

 

I warned you I was nosey. I'm sorry if I'm asking for TMI from you.

 

Sorry, I fell asleep and did not see your question until now. I don't mind any questions.

 

Yes, completely shocked. A week or a month prior, yes, I would have reacted the same way. A year? I honestly don't know. We were friends and things had just escalated 3 months or so prior to that kiss. None of those thoughts or desires were there a year prior because I pushed them down. And, because of his religious involvement, I never expected that kiss. When he did that, I felt like I was "home" and we were meant to be. He is very rigid and upstanding, so for that to happen had to have been real so I thought. And with me, that rigidness melts away and he is happy. However, he has chosen to continue playing those roles and pretending so he says because it is expected of him.

 

When I think back to how he first reached over and took him in his arms and kissed me 5 years ago this month (we were just sitting there talking), it still sends shivers down my spine.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Often I read the stories of people's affairs.... We met, we became friends etc etc then one day it changed, crossed the line into an affair (often EA then PA).

 

What I'm interested in mostly is WHY THEN?

 

What was happening in your lives WS, OW, BS? Was it simply opportunity or were there extenuating circumstances, fight with a spouse, bad day, something, anything, that made THAT MOMENT the moment that the line was crossed?

:D:D

 

For me, WS, I went to my H and told him I did not feel married, I was alone all the time. He said he was who he was and I knew it when I married him. He encouraged me to hang out with guy friends to supplement my life.

 

For my xMM, he expressed to his W his unhappiness at being 2nd place in her attention. She said he would never be her number one.

 

For my H, he said I was always working, on my phone, he was alone all the time with the kids, no sex with me, no attention. OW paid him attention.

 

So in terms of who we all chose as an AP, opportunity. Could have been anyone who showed us each attention and for me at least, he said he had been in love with me for years. Total BS but I bought it at the time.

[Gloria25]

"WHY THEN" is simple...

 

1) They are in a bad RL/marriage; or,

 

2) They are serial cheaters.

 

Sorry, but it's not fairy dust that happens in the movies. No one can be swept up by a "moment". They actively engage in actions that lead up the "moment".

 

For example. If you have a co-worker you're attracted to and you think that time around the water cooler is nothing. Well, before you know it, it's lunches together, water cooler time 4x a day...and then, it's the exchange of e-mails, telephone numbers, etc. A guy/gal who is protective of his/her marriage wouldn't be spending so much time with someone - cuz, they are careful enough to know it could lead to something.

 

I was listening to the radio and this woman was talking about how proud she was of her husband. A mutual female friend and neighbor came over while wife was at work and asked husband if she could take a look at their patio (I guess she wanted to build one like theirs). Husband politely told her that he and wife don't have guests when both of them aren't home and that she could come back later.

 

I had an old creepy neighbor come over and I knew he was being inappropriate and I wasn't interested. I told him 'Next time you come over, bring your wife'. And, he never did. One day I told him to stop coming onto my property without an invite and he called me a "B".

 

Again, people put a stop to those little things - that lead up to a "moment".

 

So, maybe you and your spouse can go into marital counseling to see why he seems to turn outside of the marriage in times of stress (cuz seems like you posted about some recent events that are putting stress on him), or , if there's other stuff to be worked on in your marriage. Unless you just have a jerk and serial cheater. If you have a jerk who needs constant female attention other than yours, well, up to you if you wanna stick around cuz you know he ain't gonna stop.

[ShatteredLady]

Thanks Gloria but that wasn't really my intent of the post. We talk about all 'that' stuff a lot here.

 

There had been some good chats on the OW/OM forum & I didn't want to threadjack. Unfortunately my 2 threads were moved & don't really 'fit' much anymore as stand alone threads.

 

From a human nature point of view I was interested in the lead-up & the 'moment'. There's always a moment for everything in life, planned or 'just happens'.

[Chica80]

I don't believe A just happened. I know personally there were points where I could have made a different choice..... same for AP.

 

I wish they had not moved your thread. I agree don't know why they did

[cocorico]

Often I read the stories of people's affairs.... We met, we became friends etc etc then one day it changed, crossed the line into an affair (often EA then PA).

 

What I'm interested in mostly is WHY THEN?

 

What was happening in your lives WS, OW, BS? Was it simply opportunity or were there extenuating circumstances, fight with a spouse, bad day, something, anything, that made THAT MOMENT the moment that the line was crossed?

 

 

I've just noticed that you're interested in why OWs also embarked on an A.

 

I'd been M before, had been D for years. As a busy single parent, with a demanding job, loads of other commitments, etc I simply didn't have the time or inclination for a FTR. Frankly, I resented the demands it placed on me - I had enough demands (kids, work, etc) and wanted a space that was about me getting, not me giving, all the time. And with SGs, it was always - sooner or later - all about them. So an arrangement that was p/t, or a fling, seemed like a good bet. And someone I fancied the pants off, who lived on the other side of the planet, and had the safety feature of being M, seemed like the perfect solution.

 

And it was, for a while. He'd fly out when I wanted him, and disappear back home when I didn't. But then, we started enjoying each other too much. We'd fly to exotic locations and spend long periods there, and then I'd fly out to his country, stay with his friends and family, and soon we were a regular legit couple... falling in love, wanting to be together FT. Not what we'd planned at all.

[seren]

My H had an A during one of the most difficult times in both our lives. He had returned from Iraq with combat stress that he passed off as work stress and that he was OK. I had just finished chemotherapy for cancer and diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. he said and the OW confirmed, that she had once told her husband that if she was going to have an A (she already had numerous A's) that my H was the man she would have one with. he is a handsome, lovely man.

 

From what I learned, they were in the same group at the rugby club, I was at home too ill to go out, usually he stayed home with me. They began talking and she asked if he would like to have sex with her. he obviously did and it went from there, they met on weekends when he was home from camp. He gradually withdrew from me and our son and became the complete opposite of how he usually was. had he stayed that man I would have wrapped him up with a gift bow and driven him to her house.

 

The affair was destructive, from what I have been told by both (the truth is probably someplace in the middle) it wasn't a loving relationship and all very sordid. However she loved him and thought they had a future. H told me about the A, I told him if he wanted her to leave and I would help him move along. I still loved him, just wanted him to be happy, if not with me, then with her. He broke down and asked if I would allow him to stay and make it up to me. I said we could work on us, but there was to be NC, other than giving her closure. He chose not to and she stalked me for over 6 yrs.

 

i asked him why her? he said she could have been anyone,m that he felt he didn't deserve me or our life (we had been the poster couple for love and marriage) That losing his friends in Iraq and having to cope with other horrors, then my cancer and him not feeling able to cope had made him feel less than.

 

TBH, I felt so sorry for the OW as she really thought she knew my H and that he would leave. Now, we are 9 years on and so bloody happy, I would go through everything 10 times over to be where we are now. The OW is in yet another A, I spoke to her once and said that she needed to get divorced and live her life without settling for a MM to fill the void in her life. Unfortunately she went back to an abusive marriage and other MM. Shame really. I told H, because there were circumstances that added to his despair at the time I would forgive, but, there are no second chances.

[compulsivedancer]

It was not one moment - it was many moments. It was when we began flirting, when I mentioned the possibility of an open marriage, when he told me he'd be interested, when I asked him if he'd be interested even if xH said no. When he asked me about how I'd want our first time to go. The first time we hung out in his bedroom rather than the living room. The first time he put his arm around me. The first time he implied that he was touching himself while we were texting. When I decided to join him. The list goes on, but gets a lot more explicit from there.

 

It wasn't one large choice. It was so many small choices that happened over such a long period that they seemed like such tiny baby steps. And when we'd get cold feet, we could take a step or two back, but the choice was easier to make again next time.

[whathappened610]

I have to say SHATTEREDLADY... There probably was not much u could have done to stop your MM from starting (back up) his A. Me as a fOW who is in a LTR and always was... I was pursued by my MM and he said and did all the right Hingis. He made me feel the highest/best I have in years with all his compliments/persuits and even his jealousy over my Bf.

 

So how'd I end up in the EA situation? Well I had known him since we were in high school we had a little thing back then and we'd been in touch on and off since. He pursued me hard core this time and I fell in love with him. My BF had no role in it besides us not having the perfect relationship (who does right?), it was strictly selfish! I loved the feeling I got from MM and how nostalgic it was. I think my MM also loved the feeling I gave him, I think it was an ego stroke for him altho he will likely never admit that. He said he loved me and I was his one that got away. It felt good to be pursued again and by someone you've always had a magical connection with.

 

As to why he reached out to me in the first place... It was bc "he had been thinking about me since the last time we were in touch and I was his one that got away" and then a few weeks in it turned into he had feelings for me and not his wife and he didn't wanna be with her" who knows if he felt that way or not he could've been trying to have his cake and eat it to.

 

I can't imagine being a BS in your shoes tho! Good luck! I know if I was my MM wife and knew all the stuff he's said and done with me if want a divorce! Lesson learned here