kinug655 Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 I just met a guy online, and we've been on two dates so far. We've had a great time together, just talking about similar interests and other random things. I'm looking for a LTR, and I think that's what he wants, but we haven't discussed anything in detail. I've just been focused on having a good time and feeling out the chemistry between us. At what point is it appropriate to bring up relationship stuff? Like asking him what he's looking for or if he's interested in being in a relationship with me? I'm just getting back into the dating scene so I'm feeling a little clueless...
Gaeta Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 I'm looking for a LTR, and I think that's what he wants, but we haven't discussed anything in detail. I've just been focused on having a good time and feeling out the chemistry between us. That's a recipe for huge disappointments. When you do online dating you have to be super clear about what you are dating and accept dates only from men that have the same goal as you. There is no dating a few time then addressing what he wants. You ask it right off the bat during your first online contact. At what point is it appropriate to bring up relationship stuff? Like asking him what he's looking for or if he's interested in being in a relationship with me? Like I said up there, at first contact you have to confirm with each other you are on there in the hope to find someone LTR. Of course you and him will not know if you want a relationship with each other right away but at least you are working toward the same goal. Before asking about relationship you need to talk about exclusivity. Dating exclusivity comes before being in an official GF-BF item. Knowing if you want to date someone exclusively is usually after 4 dates or a month. You express your desire to date her-him exclusively, which means you won't introduce each other to grand-ma yet but at least you will concentrate on each other and take down your profile to avoid distraction. I'm just getting back into the dating scene so I'm feeling a little clueless... Brace yourself. Online dating is a wild world. You can meet the one right away or it can take you a couple of years. Be patient and judge a man on his actions toward you, not his speech. 3
Redhead14 Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 I just met a guy online, and we've been on two dates so far. We've had a great time together, just talking about similar interests and other random things. I'm looking for a LTR, and I think that's what he wants, but we haven't discussed anything in detail. I've just been focused on having a good time and feeling out the chemistry between us. At what point is it appropriate to bring up relationship stuff? Like asking him what he's looking for or if he's interested in being in a relationship with me? I'm just getting back into the dating scene so I'm feeling a little clueless... Well, after a couple of dates it's appropriate to talk about long-term goals you each have in general. In terms of a relationship, it's too soon to talk about whether it's with each other after only a few dates but it's ok to casually talk about what you want for yourself in the future. Don't just hop on that subject, let it happen naturally, conversationally. And, for you, certainly not after 2 dates. In the other thread you have running, you were asking about going away for the weekend with this guy. It's too soon to think about whether or not this is going to develop with this one. If he's sketchy with communication, cancels dates, calls for last minute dates, etc., he's not serious about dating or at least serious about you. Sit back and relax. Use your head. Observe how he dates you. Is he consistent with communication, does he schedule proper dates. Observe those things for a bit before you start thinking long term. Enjoy yourself and don't overthink, especially at the 2 date mark. You've got a heads up about this guy now that he's already asked for a weekend getaway . . . so manage your expectations and observe. 1
campeo Posted August 28, 2016 Posted August 28, 2016 I don't necessarily think you need to know what his goals are before you meet, but you need to find out early in a light-hearted way. A lot of people have met someone, it seems promising for a few dates and you develop hopes and then they slowly start ****canning their ex and then suddenly after two months they are all they talk about. Or they act inconsistent. Available men who are into you are consistent. This is why it is important to ascertain whether someone is emotionally available and looking for a relationship as early as possible. You want someone optimistic and positive about dating and falling in love again. The other side is you want these conversations to be natural. You can start that conversation. I have been told "meeting you is really refreshing. You are different than a lot of other people on match/tinder/wherever. What motivated you to try online dating?" The answer you want is "I've been single for x amount of time, everything in my life is going well, and the only thing that would make it better is finding someone special to share it with." That all sounds contrived but you want someone optimistic about finding their next partner and is looking to find them. You don't want someone who just broke up with their ex - even though it could work out - and is putting themeslves back out there after only a few weeks/months, or someone who openly doesnt want something serious. 1
Author kinug655 Posted August 28, 2016 Author Posted August 28, 2016 Thanks for all the advice so far, everyone. I was with a guy for about 10 years, married for 9 of them. I've been single for about 2 years now and just getting back into the dating scene seriously because I finally feel ready. But wow, things have changed so much and I feel so out of practice, so talking to others definitely helps put things in perspective. I hope I haven't come across too idiotic
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2016 Posted August 28, 2016 I did exactly what the others have said... Pretty early on, I told him what I was looking for ... That my life was pretty great and I was very happy, but that I was hoping for find a long term relationship - someone to share life with... I would hope that is his cue to say "Me too" and start some discussion. You should just be enjoying getting to know each other and having fun together, but it does help if you can let him know what you are hoping for/and hear the same before you invest too much time in the relationship. There is plenty of time for all the other stuff - the big discussions and introducing him to Grandma;) 1
No_Go Posted August 28, 2016 Posted August 28, 2016 I think you can discuss overall relationship goals (general, not with each other) in the 3rd-5th date. When to define as BF/GF? Here you'd get contrasting opinions, my belief is it should be before sex. My BF of 1.5 years called me girlfriend in the restaurant on our third date. Since then we've been exclusive. Btw I had my dating profile on for 6 months because I prepaid it and EH didn't let me close it My BF was the first guy that I met from there and the last one as well.. I just met a guy online, and we've been on two dates so far. We've had a great time together, just talking about similar interests and other random things. I'm looking for a LTR, and I think that's what he wants, but we haven't discussed anything in detail. I've just been focused on having a good time and feeling out the chemistry between us. At what point is it appropriate to bring up relationship stuff? Like asking him what he's looking for or if he's interested in being in a relationship with me? I'm just getting back into the dating scene so I'm feeling a little clueless... 1
angel.eyes Posted August 28, 2016 Posted August 28, 2016 I would discuss general relationship goals up front. IME, guys bring it up when we first start talking or on the first date. In terms of wanting a long-term relationship with you specifically? That discussion depends on the pace of the relationship and the two people involved. Somewhere between three dates and six months is common.
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2016 Posted August 28, 2016 There is no point of dating someone 3 to 5 dates before asking them what is their purpose on a dating site. People are there to meet so lets be open and honest from the get go about what we are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship why waste 3 to 5 dates on someone that could have told you from the start they are only looking for casual with no commitment. 1
grays Posted August 28, 2016 Posted August 28, 2016 There is no point of dating someone 3 to 5 dates before asking them what is their purpose on a dating site. People are there to meet so lets be open and honest from the get go about what we are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship why waste 3 to 5 dates on someone that could have told you from the start they are only looking for casual with no commitment. I wonder though, isn't it possible to just want to be dating casually but then meet someone who makes you want to be in a relationship? You'd miss those possibilities of you didn't date anyone who didn't state up front that they wanted a LTR. In my heart of hearts I think it would be wonderful to fall in love and have a LTR, but I approach all of my dates as if I don't really know what I want with that person. I do t want to try to find a person to fit into my dream relationship. I'd rather build a relationship based on who that person is. And while I do have an image of the kind of relationship I want, I'm aware that a different sort of relationship I haven't thought about yet could materialize and make my heart sing.
Ami1uwant Posted August 28, 2016 Posted August 28, 2016 Thanks for all the advice so far, everyone. I was with a guy for about 10 years, married for 9 of them. I've been single for about 2 years now and just getting back into the dating scene seriously because I finally feel ready. But wow, things have changed so much and I feel so out of practice, so talking to others definitely helps put things in perspective. I hope I haven't come across too idiotic I feel by the end of date two you should have talked about some relationship stuff. Not the gory details but at least learn their history of relationships and if they want to get married in the future snd what's important yo them. Also at this point you should have found out how they feel about your 3-5 core non negotiable things in a relationship such as getting married, having kids, what their religion and beliefs, etc.
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2016 Posted August 28, 2016 I wonder though, isn't it possible to just want to be dating casually but then meet someone who makes you want to be in a relationship? Doesn't that put you in the category 'undecided'. Why someone that knows exactly what she wants spend her time with someone indecisive when there are plenty of men out there that also know what they want. You'd miss those possibilities of you didn't date anyone who didn't state up front that they wanted a LTR. I am not a charity organization. I will not give my precious time to someone while he figures himself out. In my heart of hearts I think it would be wonderful to fall in love and have a LTR, but I approach all of my dates as if I don't really know what I want with that person. I do t want to try to find a person to fit into my dream relationship. I'd rather build a relationship based on who that person is. No one knows ahead of time if something will turn long term but at least they can determine from the start in what category they fall in to. If I had gone on dates with every man in non-serious category in the hope of a long term relationship I would still be online looking.
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