Can't get out of this situation

[Weathergirl]

Firstly, I am sorry for the length of this post. I will try to be as through as I can.

 

2 years ago, I was in a difficult place. I'd just started a new job, missed my old colleagues and found that nothing was making me happy anymore. I decided, given that my new job gave me back my evenings and weekends, I would get back into singing, after about 20 years. I put an add online for a guitarist and met someone a few weeks later.

We hit it off straight away, got on really well and the relationship started to develop. I felt like I had something to look forward to each week. A reason to make an effort to look nice and put make up on. The music was great,Mae would always get compliments, bookings galore and my voice came on great we had something musically together. Everyone said it.

 

I soon realised this guy had an alcohol problem. virtually each time I met him, It was ok for a few hours and then he would make inappropriate comments about others, ramble on about how he was physically abused as a child by his stepfather. I felt sorry for him and I tried my best to make his life a bit easier and be a good friend. Because we would meet in the evening, he would drink and we would play music, then he'd eat and fall asleep. This was the routine.

 

We went on a couple of weekends away abroad, but each time the drinking was a problem. One day in Paris was possibly the worst time of my life. He had been drinking all day and when I told him at 4 in the afternoon I didn't want to be around him anymore because he was so drunk, he smashed the guitar right in front of me on the pavement and turned on me shouting at me right in my face. It was a busy road and not anyone stopped whilst I was sobbing. He also the same evening, again, when drunk, rang a woman whilst I was in the room with him and was talking that he'd had enough, that he's a good dad. That he will never make her happy. I had always had suspicions he was living with someone but initially he denied it. I later found out the day after the conversations on the phone in Paris, he lived with his "ex" and their two daughters. He told me there was nothing between them anymore they were just there because neither could get out due to finances, and it had been that way for many years.

 

I was stupid enough to believe this, because some nights he stayed at mine, and I figured it must be true because no women would tolerate that, right? I even met his eldest daughter aged 16. She came with a few times to watch us perform. I figured he as a hardworking guy, that was in the place he was because he was unhappy. I met his mum too, who told me the same and seems to dislike the women he was staying with saying she didn't want him, but didn't want anyone to have him either and that he'd left her many times but always went back because of the kids.

 

The alcohol was always a problem, but I thought I could change him. I thought he just needed a bit of love.

So this year in May, we go away to Naples for a couple of days, and by this point I have spent 2 years in this very on and off relationship of sorts. I say on and off, because a dozen times when I have sat for hours or days and tried to understand what's going on, I have cracked and told him it's over, and been pretty nasty to him to boot, telling him. He's a liar and a cheat.

But I have gone back. He's also ended it a few times, usually when drunk,,and then apologised a few days later.

 

So this year in May we go to Italy for a weekend. So we sit down, and I ask him about us. Is there any future? How long is his situation going to go on for? He tells me he can't offer me anything in the situation he is in. He can't offer me a relationship. That he wants to get his own place. That he needs time in his own place to think. That he can't start anything with anyone whilst he's living with Maris That it's not fair on Maris. Then he breaks down and cries and tells me, he wants to be loved too. I get upset too, and the conversation about us ends there.

 

So I take some space, I tell him I've gone abroad for a couple of months, in the hope I'll forget and move on. I don't. I miss him like crazy. I miss the music and the vibe together.

 

So we met up last week, he brought his daughter with him, and the plan is to start the music again and get some gigs booked in. Im thinking must stay professional because I will get hurt.

Today I find out he's gone to the coast for the weekend with his two daughters and Maria. I also found out that he had gone on a few days out and taken not only his girls, but Maria too. So this women, that he tells me he has nothing in common with, there is no love, he's just there for his kids, is still OK to take on holiday? I have been sitting here wondering what to do.

Do I block his number and move on ?

Do I wait for him to return, meet up and challenge him, then walk out?

I feel very hurt. I feel lied to. I feel he just wants to moan and do nothing about it. I feel like an idiot.

 

I know if I tell my father and ask his opinion he will tell me to get out of it. That the drinking is a huge problem and that he will likely never leave her. The few close friends I have say the same. So why can't I? Why can I not walk away. I don't have sex with him anymore ( this stopped after he was verbally insulting to me about my appear have when he was drunk about a year ago) I can't face sleeping with him. I know he meets women online for sex. So why can't I get out? I know there is no future. I know he is with her. Why can't he be truthful? Why lie?

[angel.eyes]

No offense, but why do you think so little of yourself? An alcoholic with rage issues who disparages you both publicly and privately, lives with his wife and kids, and is trolling the interwebs for sex with other strange women while sleeping with you. What about this is even vaguely attractive? Honestly, any guy with a pulse would be better than this.

 

You need to examine what attracted you to this alcoholic mess in the first place. That's why you feel "can't" get out of this situation.This is really about you, not him. Deal with that and you'll be able to make better choices in life.

[Weathergirl]

Thanks for your reply. You are right, I know it's crazy and I know that anyone who has any sense will tell me the same.

[Zahara]

You asked why does he lie? You're expecting a cheater and a liar to be truthful? He's wired that way and if he has exhibited lies and deceit all along, why are you expecting integrity? Plus, why would he be honest when he knows lying gets him what he wants -- which is you sitting there and tolerating disrespect and always being available no matter what he does. You're an easy benefit to have so why ruin it by telling you the truth when he can lie and keep you there for whatever he wants.

 

You mentioned you thought you can change him. You can't and no one can. Only he can do that. It's time to look at yourself -- maybe change starts with you because there's something unhealthy about you that keeps you staying in a toxic situation.

 

You CAN get out if you want to. Block and move on. You can't challenge him -- you'll just end up getting sucked back in again.

[Nowty V]

Guitarists are two-a-penny, especially in this town.

 

Whatever image you have created of him for yourself isn't realistic.

 

He's a mess and you're gullible.

 

Run, Run as fast as you can-you can't help him he's a messed up man.

 

He's shot to bit's, call the Police the next time he violates your human rights.

 

Mystic Nowty says:

 

"Find an accompanying musician who plays Northumbrian Small Pipes."

[angel.eyes]

Guitarists are two-a-penny, especially in this town.

 

Frankly, in ANY town. They're a dime a dozen. It's truly sad that she's wasted two years of her life in this mess and is convinced she "can't" get out.

[LD1990]

The guy sounds like an absolute loser.

 

If you're famous, you can get away with being a stereotypical musician with a drinking problem and anger issues. If you're a 19-year-old kid, it's annoying, but you're 19 so no one really cares. But this guy is middle aged from the sounds of it and has a family that he's probably not caring for very well, which just makes him pathetic.

 

He'll be in the same place 2, 4, and 10 years down the road - drinking too much, throwing temper tantrums where he breaks things, telling people about how hard life was for him 20 years ago, and whining about how he "really needs his own space," but he just doesn't have enough money yet. You can either block him out of your life now or keep going through the same pattern with him.

[Weathergirl]

Thanks for your replies. I know you are all right, and I know I have to help myself by getting out. I have to do this.

I feel like telling him he forget to tell me he won gold medal for the biggest liar, little point in trying to explain how I feel to him, he just turns it around on me says I am crazy, there's something wrong with me, that he's a good guy who only cares about his daughters. I feel like a fool for believing him. If his relationship was so bad, he wouldn't be on holiday with her. My parents split and never did that. I am so angry and hurt today.

 

I have learnt that I should trust my gut instinct. When something does not make sense, it's probably because it's not true. I had this suspicion all along. That's the perfect relationship for him, gets to stay home for his kids,sees other women on the side and he's happy, she's happy because he pays all the bills and mortgage and knows he can't leave. I'm gong to just disappear, this is the only way, no explanation, just disappear. Whilst I feel,like giving him a piece of my mind I know this will do me no good, he will turn it on me, like always.

 

Thanks for listening to me. I need to sort myself out from today.

[Zahara]

Yes, just disappear. Block him from having any access to you. Suffer the pain and withdrawals and push through. I read your other thread -- and just as how you got over that, you'll get over this as well.

[angel.eyes]

Best of luck, Weathergirl! Walk away and don't look back. You can do this!

[preraph]

Okay. Now you're talking to someone who has dated a lot of guitarists.

 

First, separate and apart from him being a guitarist -- Love does not fix anyone. You can't change him. He's got pain from when he was young that he's anesthetizing with liquor. Most guitarists drink like fish anyway, but they are not all unhappy drunks. He is because he has problems he needs to seek therapy for.

 

What a surprise that a musician is living off women and more than one. Just sayin'. This is the norm, not the exception. Overall, with few exceptions, very creative musicians because of the whole left brain/right brain thing, are all but competent to handle their own business and finances and often rely on others to exist unless they happen to hit it big and then they hire an accountant and manager and hope there's enough to go around and no one rips them off. They are very creative and very disorganized in most ways that support taking care of themselves in daily living, like keeping a car running or getting to work on time, or working at all. So they lean on people who take care of them and they disappear for periods of time for various reasons.

 

One of mine came and went and said I wasn't the one but would never go away. He went missing for longer than usual and found out he'd met a female chef and was camping out at her house because she could cook. She and I agreed to meet at a bar and discussed him so we both knew what was going on and filled in each other's blanks.

 

Another was going through a divorce and he wanted to move in with me, but I wouldn't, so he moved in next to me. I hadn't gotten the story of why he was divorcing. He was mum about it. I was very busy during this period of time with work and school and a depression from a breakup, but we were trying to have a relationship, upon his insistence. My heart wasn't in it, but we were good friends so I tried.

 

One day I realized I hadn't heard from him in 5 days (it took me that long to notice) and then a couple more days went by and I started asking around. When he showed up, he'd quit his band, formed a new one, and been in the studio all week. Now, this was very peculiar, because I was very involved in their band business. I knew all his old band members and they all talked to me about that stuff. And suddenly, even though he and I were an item now, I don't hear a thing while he quits them and finds a new band and goes in the studio. He didn't want to talk about it, and I was preoccupied at the time. But he said he forgot to tell me, and also assumed I'd know since I knew everyone in the old band.

 

Well, it would be decades before I'd find out that what really happened. He and his best friend since childhood, the other guitar player, had a falling out because his wife had made a date with him to cry on his shoulder and tried hitting on him just to get back at him. She did this with three of his friends, I'd find out over the years, but he never told me. Too mad, too embarrassed, I don't know. But that's why he quit the band and started a new one and disappeared for a week. And he wasn't even an alcoholic like most of them.

 

Look, I still love musicians, but I was never foolhardy enough to consider marrying one. I love to sit around and listen and watch them create more than anything, but I don't want to be the caretaker. I either want them to be equal or better in that department than myself. And guitarists and most musicians won't be. Their best self is onstage and doing what they do.

 

You can't fix him. Even if he wasn't a guitarist/musician, he has deep-seated problems. He probably won't ever be anyone you can rely on at all. Stop thinking love will fix him because it won't. Only therapy and AA has a chance at fixing him.

 

You can do better. Your relationship isn't fun, so leave it and find one that is. Meanwhile, so not leave birth control up to him, because the last thing you need is a musician baby daddy who won't be of any help at all.

Edited August 28, 2016 by preraph

[Redhead14]

Firstly, I am sorry for the length of this post. I will try to be as through as I can.

 

2 years ago, I was in a difficult place. I'd just started a new job, missed my old colleagues and found that nothing was making me happy anymore. I decided, given that my new job gave me back my evenings and weekends, I would get back into singing, after about 20 years. I put an add online for a guitarist and met someone a few weeks later.

We hit it off straight away, got on really well and the relationship started to develop. I felt like I had something to look forward to each week. A reason to make an effort to look nice and put make up on. The music was great,Mae would always get compliments, bookings galore and my voice came on great we had something musically together. Everyone said it.

 

I soon realised this guy had an alcohol problem. virtually each time I met him, It was ok for a few hours and then he would make inappropriate comments about others, ramble on about how he was physically abused as a child by his stepfather. I felt sorry for him and I tried my best to make his life a bit easier and be a good friend. Because we would meet in the evening, he would drink and we would play music, then he'd eat and fall asleep. This was the routine.

 

We went on a couple of weekends away abroad, but each time the drinking was a problem. One day in Paris was possibly the worst time of my life. He had been drinking all day and when I told him at 4 in the afternoon I didn't want to be around him anymore because he was so drunk, he smashed the guitar right in front of me on the pavement and turned on me shouting at me right in my face. It was a busy road and not anyone stopped whilst I was sobbing. He also the same evening, again, when drunk, rang a woman whilst I was in the room with him and was talking that he'd had enough, that he's a good dad. That he will never make her happy. I had always had suspicions he was living with someone but initially he denied it. I later found out the day after the conversations on the phone in Paris, he lived with his "ex" and their two daughters. He told me there was nothing between them anymore they were just there because neither could get out due to finances, and it had been that way for many years.

 

I was stupid enough to believe this, because some nights he stayed at mine, and I figured it must be true because no women would tolerate that, right? I even met his eldest daughter aged 16. She came with a few times to watch us perform. I figured he as a hardworking guy, that was in the place he was because he was unhappy. I met his mum too, who told me the same and seems to dislike the women he was staying with saying she didn't want him, but didn't want anyone to have him either and that he'd left her many times but always went back because of the kids.

 

The alcohol was always a problem, but I thought I could change him. I thought he just needed a bit of love.

So this year in May, we go away to Naples for a couple of days, and by this point I have spent 2 years in this very on and off relationship of sorts. I say on and off, because a dozen times when I have sat for hours or days and tried to understand what's going on, I have cracked and told him it's over, and been pretty nasty to him to boot, telling him. He's a liar and a cheat.

But I have gone back. He's also ended it a few times, usually when drunk,,and then apologised a few days later.

 

So this year in May we go to Italy for a weekend. So we sit down, and I ask him about us. Is there any future? How long is his situation going to go on for? He tells me he can't offer me anything in the situation he is in. He can't offer me a relationship. That he wants to get his own place. That he needs time in his own place to think. That he can't start anything with anyone whilst he's living with Maris That it's not fair on Maris. Then he breaks down and cries and tells me, he wants to be loved too. I get upset too, and the conversation about us ends there.

 

So I take some space, I tell him I've gone abroad for a couple of months, in the hope I'll forget and move on. I don't. I miss him like crazy. I miss the music and the vibe together.

 

So we met up last week, he brought his daughter with him, and the plan is to start the music again and get some gigs booked in. Im thinking must stay professional because I will get hurt.

Today I find out he's gone to the coast for the weekend with his two daughters and Maria. I also found out that he had gone on a few days out and taken not only his girls, but Maria too. So this women, that he tells me he has nothing in common with, there is no love, he's just there for his kids, is still OK to take on holiday? I have been sitting here wondering what to do.

Do I block his number and move on ?

Do I wait for him to return, meet up and challenge him, then walk out?

I feel very hurt. I feel lied to. I feel he just wants to moan and do nothing about it. I feel like an idiot.

 

I know if I tell my father and ask his opinion he will tell me to get out of it. That the drinking is a huge problem and that he will likely never leave her. The few close friends I have say the same. So why can't I? Why can I not walk away. I don't have sex with him anymore ( this stopped after he was verbally insulting to me about my appear have when he was drunk about a year ago) I can't face sleeping with him. I know he meets women online for sex. So why can't I get out? I know there is no future. I know he is with her. Why can't he be truthful? Why lie?

 

Why can't he be truthful? Why lie? -- He isn't lying about anything -- He told you he doesn't want a relationship with you!!!!

 

Then he breaks down and cries and tells me, he wants to be loved too.

-- He wants to be loved, but not by you. He doesn't want your love, he wants love but with someone else.

 

You're stringing yourself along. He's content with the "way things are between you" which is that since it appears you can't walk away, he'll keep you around in case he needs to get laid. He knows you'll break down because you don't have the resolve to expect and have better for yourself because you keep sticking around and accepting his BS.

 

If you don't think you can find anyone else and are willing to accept breadcrumbs from a drunk, sniveling, indecisive, weak man -- then stick with this situation.

 

Do I block his number and move on ? -- A really big YEAH, from me.

[Weathergirl]

I am so grateful to you all. This forum helped me get through my last break up, I'm guessing I have some issues staying in relationships that are long past their sell-by date.

You are right, this relationship is not fun anymore. We used to have fun, but over time between the alcohol and the womanising I just can't be heartless and not let it bother me.

 

I have turned 40 and see around me few people in relationships are happy. I should be pleased I am not one of them. I just feel depleted and sad, that once again I have been lied to, and have let it happen. I will just disappear, no arguments and no justifying. I've tried that before to be told I'm crazy, there's something wrong with mr, that I'm evil, that I'm mad, that he does care. I remember the good times and that's what makes me sad. I cannot be a good person if I am chasing after another woman's man knowingly. Today is day 1 of NC for me. God bless you all.

[Timshel]

You're really much too good for him Weathergirl.

Best wishes.