I hate my life so much right now - just venting

[Nox]

I recently went through a bad break up. We were together for over 3 years and I really thought he was the one. The relationship was bad during the last 6 months, so in that regard, the break up is a relief - I don't have to deal with those horrible things anymore.

 

But now I have to deal with the pain. With missing him, and asking myself how could he have done it (he was the one who was causing most of the problems most of the time and despite of it all I was ready to fight for us, he just gave up). At times I get mad at him, but most times I just feel miserable when I remember the great times we had.

 

And thinking of my future makes me feel even more sad, angry and frustrated. I really don't see myself ever loving anyone again. It's extremely hard for me to fall in love and meet someone I find compatible. Of all the men I ever met, my ex was by far the most compatible with me. I'm not saying this because I'm idealizing him or something, it's a fact. I don't have a problem finding guys who are attracted to me, I'm outgoing and I can flirt, so meeting someone, in itself, is not a problem. Meeting someone I can love is incredibly hard. And for a very, very long time, (over 10 years), I feel and believe like I need love to complete me.

I know in my mind that this is a very problematic mindset. For years (even long before I met my now ex) I have known that I should, in a way "get over" love itself (like I would get over a break up) in order to be truly happy and even be able to find love. But I can't convince my heart that this is the way to go. I just feel awful. Not to mention that I'll soon turn 30 and the thought of being over 30 and single makes me both scared and disgusted. Everyone around me will be getting married and having kids and I'll be all alone even though I didn't want that fate.

And I think it's pathetic to be single if you don't actually want to be single. I wish I could not want love and just be happily single. I envy the people who can live that way. But for me, not having love feels like not having the thing that makes me feels truly alive and complete. Again, yes, I am aware that this is a negative belief, but the problem is that I don't feel that it's a negative belief. In my heart it feels like the right thing to believe.

I feel like it took me a lifetime to find my ex, and now I lost him. When people tell me "you'll find someone new" all I hear is "you'll be miserable for at least 5 years if not more." Honestly even a year feels too long right now. I feel like a total failure. I am crying while I'm writing this and even though I'm not suicidal and will not attempt to kill myself, if I knew I was about to die soon, I'd feel relieved.

 

Maybe this is just a temporary crisis, and I know most of the things I'm feeling now are just my perspective on things, not facts that are set in stone, but I really, really hate my life right now. I know I should learn how to be happy on my own. But I don't wanna be alone. I want love. I have no idea why is it so hard for me to find it. Not just now, in fact I'm not looking now, but looking back at my life... Why did I have to live though times in which I was looking for love and I wanted love for years, without ever falling in love? Not even as an infatuation or a temporary thing, let alone something more serious. I've had litterally years pass without ever feeling "the butterflies" for anyone, and I wanted it so much...

And now not only I lost the one I loved, not only I need to deal with getting over him, but even when I do get over him, the only thing I have to look forward to is emotional isolation and solitude and the feeling of frustration because I just can't fall in love easily and meet a guy I'm compatible with. And as a cherry on the top (as if this didn't hurt enough when I was 25), this time I'll be over 30 and everyone around me will be married or in serious relationships. What is the point of living such a life, if one wants love that badly...? Ugh, I'm literally disgusted with what future holds for me.

 

 

Maybe my mood will be better soon, but in order to truly feel happy something seriously needs to change.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Nox

[Hoosfoos]

How long have you guys been broken up for? Anything less than a year will still be painful. Some therapists argue that it may take 2 to 5 years to be fully over things. Great news, as if we have that amount of time to waste at this point in our lives.

 

How is your work life, your social and family life? How about your physical health and fitness level? I am just wondering because I am struggling with the same thoughts and issues as you. I am trying to pay attention to these areas of my life because I know they are problematic, and I know that the less I do and more dwell on things from the past, the worse I feel. Even though I feel like **** most of the time, I try to make the most of each day. But I know, it's hard. I feel like a failure too, because of my past.

[Nox]

How long have you guys been broken up for? Anything less than a year will still be painful. Some therapists argue that it may take 2 to 5 years to be fully over things. Great news, as if we have that amount of time to waste at this point in our lives.

 

Wow, such great news

We started our break up a month and a half ago. I asked if he wanted a break up, he said he still loved me and just needed some time to think to which I agreed. But he texted me 2-3 days after that, and it has been dragging on like that until 2 weeks ago when we deffinitely broke up (I told him I was ready to fight for it, he wasn't ready). But he still kept texting me. Mostly meaningless stuff, but it was some form of contact. This morning I texted him to stop it, if he doesn't wanna be with me we shouldn't talk at all. An hour after I started this thread, he replied just "Ok", and I logged in to facebook and saw "new" photos of him - in fact, photos published 2 months ago but he only made them public (for me) after he read my text presumably - of him and some girl (former co-worker, he told me about them talking on fb in January, but I didn't think it was a big deal).

 

So I guess you could say it deffinitely ended today. Another 2-5 years to get over him. Wow, things are looking up for me :/

 

I feel like a failure too, because of my past.

What about your past?

[juniorrocha]

What you're feeling right now is completely normal. I'm now 3 months after the break up and I remember well how it felt at the very start. It still hurts, but less now.

 

There's nothing I can do or say that will ease your pain, but I can assure you that if you continue living your life, seeing your friends, making new friends, hobbies, working out... basically, occupying your mind with something good for yourself, it will feel easier and easier.

 

I can't tell you what your love life is going to be like, but if he left, it shows he was not the one. The one wouldn't do it. Remember that. As flawless as he was, he left, and there's already a flaw.

 

You'll be fine.

[Nox]

Aww thanks

 

I just really wanted him to be the one, thought he was the one, for over 2 years it seemed like he was the one... I wonder how will I ever trust anyone after this... But hey, maybe I should learn how to listen to my intuition...

[juniorrocha]

Aww thanks

 

I just really wanted him to be the one, thought he was the one, for over 2 years it seemed like he was the one... I wonder how will I ever trust anyone after this... But hey, maybe I should learn how to listen to my intuition...

 

That's what most of us want when we are in a relationship, right? We want that person to last forever. But we often see that's not how it goes. People change, plans change, circumstances change, and sometimes the couple grow apart. Even still loving each other.

 

Use this moment of your life to improve yourself as a person. At the right time you'll feel like meeting someone new! It seems impossible right now, that's how I felt right after the break up "that's stupid, I'll never love someone new". And now 3 months post break up I'm already starting to have this feeling that soon enough I'll want to meet new people. hahaha

[Arieswoman]

Nox,

I am sorry you are having a tough time of it at the moment.

 

You said

 

but in order to truly feel happy something seriously needs to change.

 

right. And that needs to be you.

 

It seems that you are basing your happiness and self-esteem on being part of a couple and not on being a individual (and most of us have done that at some time in our lives.)

 

Until you get out of that mindset, you won't make progress.

 

Your relationships (or lack of them) do not define you.

 

This may help;

 

Stop Defining Yourself By Your Relationships | Thought Catalog

[Hoosfoos]

 

What about your past?

 

A couple of years ago, my career and relationship goals got flushed down the toilet within weeks, despite me putting in years of blood, sweat, and tears into them. My day to day social, emotional and financial life is still profoundly affected. I am a different person because of what I went through, and I have to deal with this being in my 40s.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Hoosfoos

[Nox]

A couple of years ago, my career and relationship goals got flushed down the toilet within weeks, despite me putting in years of blood, sweat, and tears into them. My day to day social, emotional and financial life is still profoundly affected. I am a different person because of what I went through, and I have to deal with this being in my 40s.

Oh, I see... How awful to hear that I guess all of this would be much easier if we could see the light at the end of the tunnel... If dealing with this was rewarding in some way... But dealing with **** just for the sake of **** is... Well, ****

 

 

 

As for me I have another "interesting" update. My ex is in a relationship with this other woman since March. I realized he was with me only for the money for the past months. He had some financial struggles and I helped him out every month... Because I thought that's what you're supposed to do when you love someone, and to stand by them even when times are rough, not just turn your back on them because you don't find it enjoyable anymore. To make matters worse I was really miserable and being with him for the past 7-8 months was mostly a burden to me. Not just financially, it was emotionally draining and at times the way he made me deal with his problems felt like he was sucking all my energy out of me... But I decided to stick through it, I thought he was just in a dark place and I shouldn't give up on him because of one bad period, and I chose to believe in our dreams that would (I thought) all come to fruition soon enough, once some other things lign up in our lives (work and family related).

 

The scariest part is - how am I ever gonna tell right from wrong again? I know that all relationships have ups and downs, but next time I'm in a relationship (in like a gazillion years when I manage to fall in love again), and things get ugly, how am I gonna know if it's a sign that I should end it all, or a temporary crisis I should overcome with my partner...

 

right. And that needs to be you.

 

It seems that you are basing your happiness and self-esteem on being part of a couple and not on being a individual (and most of us have done that at some time in our lives.)

 

Until you get out of that mindset, you won't make progress.

 

Your relationships (or lack of them) do not define you.

I agree... Thanks for the article as well It's amazing. I was never an actual people pleaser but I was a "love pleaser" for sure. And the article really felt like what I needed to hear. So thanks again.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Nox

[Weathergirl]

Today is day 1 of NC for me. I too am feeling a lot of what you are feeling.

 

You stuck by him because that's what your values are. You helped him because that's what you do for a partner. If you look today at the bigger picture and ask all these things of yourself, how can you answer them or know what will happen in the future. just it it one day at a time, don't be too hard on yourself. Take some time. Be content with a day at a time.

 

My situation is different from yours, but you can't change who you are. If you are a kind, caring person with a good heart you will always be so. I would still rather be who I am, than lie, cheat and use people and sleep soundly every night knowing that. I would still rather be a fool with a soft heart.

[Joebloggs91]

Just to clarify, there is no definitive date of getting over a relationship in my opinion. A lot of it is down to how hard you try to move on. You're going to have a few bumpy months for sure and you'll also have days where you feel like you're over it before having days where it'll all come flooding back.

 

You'll move on quicker if you delete him from your life. I'm currently having a break from social media to help aid my recovery. (I did it with one of my other exes and 3 months off of Facebook when I logged back in I wasn't even tempted to check what she was up to) I joined a gym, I changed my diet and parts of my lifestyle. Something needs to give if you're going to move on.

 

I'm currently going through my second break up this year - this wasn't a long relationship but it was the second time I'd been dumped which has brought up memories and feelings of the last time too. One thing I've learnt from that is don't rush into another relationship. Get over this one first.

 

One thing is for certain though, you will be fine and you will find love again. You're just comparing everything you want to what your ex had which is normal.

[Nox]

I deleted him on facebook 2 days ago (when I realized he's been in a relationship with another woman for months). However I went to check his profile like 10 minutes ago. I have no idea why I did it. I was probably expecting to see the photo of them kissing or something. Like that would make this any better or worse. That wouldn't even add insult to injury. They're together and it's a fact now.

 

How could he have stopped loving me? How?

I know it was hard for him, it was hard for me too... And I too as approached by a guy from work and I felt he understood me and enjoyed talking to him... and I knew I could be with him if I wanted to. But it was exactly in that point in time that I looked back on my relationship and realized that I love my boyfriend and I wanna fight for the relationship, not spend time with a guy I don't really care about... Meanwhile, he was several months in the relationship with this girl. Also a girl from work that he started talking to during a tough time... If I could have this moment in which I refused to go any further with the guy who wanted me and made me feel like he understood me, how come my ex didn't have this moment???

 

As if that wasn't enough, he didn't break it off with me, I first started asking him if there was someone else around the time when he started dating her, he vehemently denied it and insisted he only loved me, and he's just stressed because "times are tough" ... And to make it even worse than that, he did it for money he didn't mind calling me to tell me about his money issues, putting his financial burden on my shoulders... And I tolerated it cause I thought that's what I'm supposed to do in a loving relationship....

And during this past month I asked him explicitely whether there was someone else, again he insisted that there wasn't. Even after I told him I won't lend him money anymore. He only made his relationship public after I told him not to talk to me again (2 days ago). Because he kept texting me even though we broke up like 2 weeks ago.

 

It kinda seems like this was his vengence for something, though I don't know what. I am not saying I was always an angel when things were doing good, but neither was he, whatever issues we had there was nothing really drastic. Besides he's the type of person to react to a problem blatantly - even though he has enough of the evil traits to do this (obviously) I think he lacks the tactical thinking, he's more impulsive than he is tactical.

It's like he hated me and wanted to hurt me deliberately. I wish I knew. But I will never get that answer. He insisted there was nobody else in his life these past months, so I don't think I could ever expect any honesty from him anymore. I guess I'll have to get over him without knowing why he did what he did...

 

But I don't know how.. How can one love that was once so great be reduced to this? How can something last for years and feel so real and then turn into this? Into someone takind advantage of me, stabbing me in the back, making a fool out of me? How?

 

I wish one day, not far from now, once all is settled and he realizes I am really gone, he remembers how he loved me and how our love made him feel, he starts missing me and regretting bitterly what he did to me...

Edited August 29, 2016 by Nox

[Crusnik]

I am also in the same boat.

Almost 3 months into the breakup, she doesnt want to give us a second chance. She fell out of love due to the distance and because we were spending less and less time together. I decided to make some major changes in my life, changing job and moving to her City, It would be a complete different relationship, still she no longer wants It tho It was what she wanted the most.

 

I would do anything for her... for us to try working things out for real.

 

I've been miserable these last 3 months, going out alone... feeling alone and abbandoned. I cant see myself with anyone else, i reject dates... i m just a shadow... dont want anyone else and i dont stand being alone, It hurts so much.

 

Why the hell cant i get interested in someone else? Am i broken? Sometimes i just wish to vanish from existence. What is the point on living like this... its like im living someones else boring life. No goals, im just on autopilot mode.

[Nox]

If it means anything, I know exactly how you feel.

I felt the same way, in the end we even had the long distance problem... But I choose not to blame the distance. Yeah, it takes its toll and it's a fact. But here I am after everything that happened, pouring my heart out about him on some online forum, while he's somewhere with his girlfriend probably. If the distance was such an issue, it would be equally an issue for me as well.

 

You wanted to fight, she didn't. You wanted to make an effort, she didn't. Had it not been the distance, it would have been something else. Maybe the distance just accelerated the inevitable.

 

And you know what? If this experience taught me anything, it's that I am capable of commiting to someone through thick & thin. Also, you know when it's a bad time in a relationship and you meet someone who likes you & starts flirting and all that, and you actually find that more enjoyable than the same old issues with your partner? Well I always feared how would I react in those situations - I didn't fear I would cheat cause I'm not a cheater, but it was kinda unsettling, I thought I would be tempted to break up and then strugle with not being able to commit fully, so on... Well I had that experience and now I see that I am actually capable of putting my relationship first when push comes to shove. It may seem foolish cause that's the test that my ex failed, but I think it's good. My point is - I see from my own experience that I am capable of making an effort and committing fully to my partner. That is a good thing, even though it was wasted on the wrong person.

Maybe you should look at it that way as well.

 

For me, this whole thing is about things I can learn about myself, and about negative mindsets I should change to avoid this again.

I should deffinitely change my high tolerance to bull**** in a relationship (had I reacted properly to previous bad things he had done to me, we never would have gotten this far and he would never get the chance to cheat on me and use me). Try to look at it that way. Look at the good traits of your character that were activated in this relationship and celebrate them. Look at the bad traits and try to understand them, fully, from the heart.

 

 

Why the hell cant i get interested in someone else? Am i broken?

Honestly, to me, being with someone else right now seems like trying to eat 5 minutes after I had a food poisoning. No food is gonna taste good now. If you can't get interested, let it be. I understand it's been 3 months and by now you could get interested in someone else, but this thing will come on its own, once everything else is healed. Don't force it and don't even dwell on those thoughts.

 

 

Sometimes i just wish to vanish from existence. What is the point on living like this... its like im living someones else boring life. No goals, im just on autopilot mode.

I made a really hard commitment to myself to stop wishing I was dead. I was never suicidal (if I was, now would be the time to do it) but I felt like - if I don't wake up tomorrow, cool. What a relief. I'd be liberated from this pain.

Then I realized I just can't go on wishing I was dead. It's either - do something about it (try to kill yourself) or stop dwelling on it. I opted for the latter obviously. I understand it's tempting to wish to vanish from existence, but you won't vanish from existence. The more you dwell on that wish, the worse you will feel. It's still hard to stop thinking that way, and you won't feel super great once you decide to stop thinking that way... But it just doesn't bring anything good.

 

And finally, goals... That's probably the only thing I see differently. You have goals! What were your goals before you met her (unrelated to love life)? What were your goals unrelated to her even during your relationship? What is it that you like and want to try? Re-introduce goals into your life. It will remind you that you are not reduced to being the one she loves. There are more things about you. I mean, even if she was your only girlfriend (or the only one you loved), and if you believe that love life is an absolute priority for you, she is still not everything that there is to know about you. Am I right?

Edited August 29, 2016 by Nox

[Crusnik]

I had a LTR of almost 11years before it also hit me hard (living together, building a house, planing to get married that year).

Anyway out of the blue she broke up... 1 month after the BU she got secretly married and she made sure i was the first person to know it...yeah seems too bad to be real right ...well she made it easier for me to get over her i guess.

 

This time its different, i cant cope with this no matter how much i try, i miss her like crazy, i love her so deeply that even now i would give my life for her. I want her back, i hope and pray that she finds somewhere in her heart the will to give us a second chance. She is single and as long as she is i wont move on, the thought of dating feels like i'm betraying her, i'm so broken.

 

About the goals ....well...i just wanted to build a family like i was doing on my first LTR... thats why i'm left with nothing atm. She was my everything, the thought of going dating other girls all over again till i "think" i found the third "the one" scares the sh"# out of me... Nooo thankss, i'm 31...everyone i care/friends/family is either married or with kids already... i feel like an Alien.

One of my dreams is being a father... gosh... talking about kids always makes me cry like a child..

 

I am re-introducing goals into my life, i am going forward with what i planned with or without her, i'm changing jobs and moving to her city, although deep down i still hope for a reconciliation.. but i know it wont happen.

[Nox]

It seems to me like you need to give it one last try. I am not saying that you doing so will convince her, I'm saying you need it for yourself, in order to feel at peace if you are indeed forced to move on.

 

But on the other hand, think of it this way - imagine getting back together this way, but think it through with a sober mind, if you can - after the initial euphoria, you would realize that while you were doing your best to get this person back, she was doing her best to keep her distance. Is that a fair and healthy basis for a good relationship?

How would things go further? Don't you think you'd establish the dynamics in which you are always the one to make an effort, while she is the one to act like a selfish child? My last relationship was based on that dynamics, and trust me, it doesn't lead to a good place. It just makes you a prey for that person's anger, whims or any other sentiment.

 

I understand distance was hard for you, but it was hard for you too - and yet here you are, trying to get her back. If she isn't doing the same, it's not good. It would be different if you cheated or something, so now you have to try really hard to make up for what you did. But in this scenario, you did nothing wrong. You are not in a position that's "worse" than hers. So why should you put all that effort while she is perfectly fine with things as they are.

 

Maybe she is single because she doesn't want a relationship? Maybe she just stopped loving you and blamed it on the distance?

 

Whatever it may be, think of it real hard - unless you did something wrong, it is simply unfair that you make all the efforts, and even if you manage to get her back, the relationship would be founded on this unfair principle.

 

She was my everything, the thought of going dating other girls all over again till i "think" i found the third "the one" scares the sh"# out of me... Nooo thankss, i'm 31...everyone i care/friends/family is either married or with kids already... i feel like an Alien.

I know it feels the same at 29. I can't imagine having to date guys again, go through horrible dates and all ... Ugh, I thought that part of my life was over for good. It was ok while it lasted, but hey, so was high school, doesn't mean I wanna be trapped in it at the age of 30.

[Crusnik]

We havent been more than a week without talking mostly Facebook. She always brings the "we" subject so It always end in discussion... with her saying how upset she is with all the changes that im making in my life, everything im doing i should have done them while we were together...

But now she doesnt want me anymore, her feelings changed, she doesnt miss me or so she says...

[Nox]

Do you think she'd say it if she didn't mean it?

Would you ever say that to her?

[Crusnik]

Well I don't know what to tell you... while hot headed during a discussion I think everyone can say hurtful things even if they aren't 100% true. I know she is very disappointed that I didn't change when she wanted it, and now that she made her mind I did change hence she's angry and always bringing the subject...or you are just right and she really doesn't feel anything else for me, but why argue then?

I know I just want to believe that there are still feeling left in her for me. I'm unable to understand/accept that you can lose your feelings just like that, at least It never happened to be.

 

Doesn't matter anymore, i've made my mind. I'm not contacting her ever again, even though she is posting provocative/hurtfull quotes on instagram and FB. But i'm gratefully she is doing those because I'm starting to hate her and slowly seeing her on a different light.

 

I still want to work things out, but either she has a change of heart soon or there wont be strong enough feelings left in me to give it a try.

[Nox]

Well I don't know what to tell you... while hot headed during a discussion I think everyone can say hurtful things even if they aren't 100% true. I know she is very disappointed that I didn't change when she wanted it, and now that she made her mind I did change hence she's angry and always bringing the subject...or you are just right and she really doesn't feel anything else for me, but why argue then?

I know I just want to believe that there are still feeling left in her for me. I'm unable to understand/accept that you can lose your feelings just like that, at least It never happened to be.

 

Doesn't matter anymore, i've made my mind. I'm not contacting her ever again, even though she is posting provocative/hurtfull quotes on instagram and FB. But i'm gratefully she is doing those because I'm starting to hate her and slowly seeing her on a different light.

 

I still want to work things out, but either she has a change of heart soon or there wont be strong enough feelings left in me to give it a try.

 

Wow, a slight change of heart I see.. Are there any updates?

 

If she's posting hurtful stuff she probably isn't 100% over it (once you're over it, you don't care at all) but if she really cares and doesn't go for an opportunity to take you back after you showed her that you're ready to fight for her - than a life with her would probably be torture anyway. When I look back at all the men I loved who let me down, had any of them shown such a strong desire to fight for me, I'd be back together with them.