Losing My Mind Once Again.

[datdarkman]

Happy Fourth of July to everyone. God help me. I'm losing my mind again.

 

I'll start at the beginning and work my way to now. My ex and I were together for 5 years. First 3 years were great. We had no problems. During the fourth year, she lost her job. I took over all of our expenses (bills, rent, car note, extra stuff,etc) thinking that she would get another job. I even bought a computer to help in the job search. Well, she used the computer to meet guys and have sex with them instead of job hunting. This continued for a year and a half. Yes, I was stupid and dumb. And I will admit to that. But I loved her. I put this girl before my friends, family, and even myself at the time. Well, the last straw was when I came home early from work and walked in on her and another guy having sex in our home and in our bed. So I moved out of the apartment and got a place of my own.

 

Those first few months after the break-up were hard for me. I was so confused about my feelings and emotions for her. Part of me still loved her but the other half hated her guts. I just felt lost and didn't know what to do. Well thankfully for me, I found this site and it helped me out alot, along with support from family and friends. And I have to say thanks to NoFoolin for his guide to No Contact. I took some of the advice and found other things to do to get mind off of her. And it worked. A year had passed and I felt like i had gain back the person that I once was before she and i met. And i hadn't seen her and made no effort to contact her. It made life easier that way. That is, until Thursday of last week.

 

My sister calls me that day and tells me she has a message for me. And that she really didn't want to give it to me, but she thought that I could handle it and not let it get out of hand. My ex wanted me to call her. My ex works for the same company as my sister. I was shocked. I hadn't talked to her in over a year. And now she wants to talk. I figured that I would have to be the one to make the first contact. My gut told me not to call her and to just let it go. But my heart wouldn't listen. So I took the number and called her later that nite. But the number was disconnected. Should have let it go at that moment. But no, my damn heart wouldn't listen. So i called my sister to let my x know that i couldn't call due to the disconnection. Well my sister sends me the ex's email address and I send her (the ex) an email (on Friday morning) asking how she was and what she wanted. But I get no answer from on Friday or Saturday. I log on to yahoo and see her on this chat site on Sunday evening. I hit her up and ask her what's up and why hadn't she hit me back. She hits me back and says that she'll call me. I hit her back and ask her how she was going to do that? Did she have my number? She hits me back with "No and give it to me". Once again, my gut says no. And once again, I don't listen. And I send her the number expecting her to call. She doesn't call me that nite. So i'm tripping. I'm thinking all kinds of stuff and can't sleep. So i send her an email later that nite tell her to call me in a couple of days and that i don't hear from her by then, then I'll call her.

 

So now it's Monday and I'm up here at work tripping. Why am I letting this person who caused me so much pain and grief back in my life. There were days that I couldn't stop crying because of her. And days where I had to leave work cause I couldn't think straight behind this mess. All of those emotions and feelings, i thought I had buried, are coming back in full force. And I'm feeling like I did when we first broke up. I haven't felt this bad in a long time.

 

A small part of me wants to believe that she has seen the err in her ways and that she made a change in her life and wants me back. But I know that's not possible. But why would I want her back? Why do I want to put myself thru such hell again? And that's why I'm losing my mind. Again. I hope someone understands what I'm saying.

[smile95]

wow how familiar this sounds to me. My ex did this to me once and after I got the nerve to call (as he asked) he disappeared. I think he just wanted to know he could get me again....and he did. If she had something to say, whywould she not tell you on email? I am so sorry that this is happening to you after you were getting things right. Try and go back to the way you were before this happened. I know it is hard. If she does call, do not answer. It will only cause more pain. SOme people just like to know that they can get you back(even if they do not want you). It all about power and control.