adam4little Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Hey all A disclaimer: this is not, despite how it might appear at moments, a 'how do I get my ex back post.' Okay, so, four years ago, while away at graduate school I met a girl. She and I fell in love fast, it was all very great and romantic. Everything was great and we didn't fight. After we finished our studies, we moved across the country together (to be near her parents) and I faced financial struggles. She didn't have a job at first, and so I supported her for a bit there. Eventually, after four months at a crappy job, she found her dream job and started making double what was almost my dream job (I got lucky, having found something relatively quickly upon moving down). This difference in income seemed to create an issue between us, namely that she seemed upset that she made more money than me. Around this time she also started taking a drug for her adult acne (Acutane) and had a general shift in mood, the fun loving girl I knew became sort of depressed and despondent. A year of this kind of thing went on; she came off of the meds, but life stuff happened--we got a puppy, I totaled her car in an accident, etc--and the stressors all still seemed to be there, and she still seemed kind of, whats the word, like, passive aggressive toward me. So, as is my nature, I pressed her on it. And at first she would say things like "you totaled my car because you dont have a car," so I went out and bought a car. Then she said, "you dont make enough money" so I applied to another job, got it, and now make more than her. Then she said, "we just dont seem to have the same mindset about life." And when I press her on this she always brings up the fact that I dont work during the summer (am a teacher) and if she were me she would get extra work, etc. Anyway, long story short, last night, it came up again. I said, "look tell me what I can do to be a better man for you" and then I said, " maybe I can get certified (teaching) in X state (state weve been talking about moving to for a while)." And she said, "I'm not sure I see myself moving with you, anymore." And when I pressed her on this, like "do you want to be with me?" she said " I dunno" and I said "I dunno was as good as no" perhaps a little preemptively and said we were done. She went to her parents for the weekend. Last night she texts me and she says the usual stuff about missing me and that she loves me and that this is so hard. She is trying to convince me to stay in town as opposed to moving 2400 miles back to where my family is. She's calling me old pet names, etc. Meanwhile, I'm trying to act all stoic about it, like I'm unaffected. I'm trying to keep things short for my own sanity. So, it sounds unique to me, but maybe it isn't. I desperately need advice. This is not my first rodeo. This is not me saying "how do I get her back," but more of just "what the hell do I do?" I'm not sure how I feel about her right now. I'm not sure what I should do. I don't know anything and need some advice. What does it sound like is going on? What is she going through? What should be my plan of attack? We are talking Sunday (as we live together) about living arrangements I guess. Thank you for reading. I look forward to the replies. Adam
fromheart Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Sorry to hear you've been going through this! Look, its not up to someone else to tell you how to be more of a man. Especially not your girlfriend. Its up to you and you alone. By all means examine yourself to see how you can be more of a man, do self study, go to the gym, martial arts, hiking etc. It sounds more like she's taking out her insecurities on you. She's not happy with herself and wants more, so you must have more to compensate for that. She's not managing her depression, so she takes it out on you. No disrespect, but you've been adopting a pleaser role; what must I do to make you feel better. There's nothing you can do! She must maker herself feel better. When a GF becomes passive aggressive, nip it in the bud. Communicate that you don't appreciate being treated like that, and if it doesn't improve after that you must make it clear that you will walk away. I've been the nice, good guy who tolerates aggression and mood swings. I've seen in other men and myself when we go into dishwasher/bathroom cleaner mode because our partner doesn't value good communication. Its a form of abuse. You could take steps to possibly get this girl back. But take the time to really have a look back at the past year with her. Look at the bad as well as the good and ask yourself if this is really, really what you want? Because unless she gos through years of self help and therapy for her depression, she will never change.
Author adam4little Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 Thank you for your reply. Great advice. I said this wasnt a "get her back" post but man, going through our stuff and throwing it out after four years together...I'm hurting. Are there ever situations where getting back together makes sense? This doesnt *feel* like the right decision right now. I dont know.
Author adam4little Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 Bump ! Sorry guys really sweating here
preraph Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Based on what you said about telling her "tell me what I can do to be a better man" and all that, and then about getting a car once you'd wrecked her car, it sounds more like a parental relationship for her, which is NOT sexy. Yes, you are willing to try to take steps to fix things, but she should not HAVE to harangue about these things for you to see all by yourself that, yes, I need a car, yes, I need a better job, yes, I need to have ambition and keep up with things. It's like you are not taking the wheel and steering your own life but waiting until someone says something before you are prodded into moving forward. Now, all this may hinge on her simply being incompatible with you in that you may feel more laid back and like you're fine just getting by at slow speed while she's trying to take a rocket to the moon. If so, she's just not the one for you. But when a woman is ever wanting to think about starting a family, she wants an equal partner or better who will not need prodding to do his best and do his part. A friend of mine's first husband was a nice guy, but he had no ambition. He didn't want a car even though they lived 20 miles from his job flipping burgers, and he didn't look for other jobs or have any ambition in that regard, just wanted things easy. She had a car and drove him to work, but he wouldn't even help pay the insurance. At income tax time, he wouldn't split it with her because she made more money (not a lot more -- they were just paying their bills). When she started wanting kids, she knew he was simply going to be useless for anything other than playing like a child with the child, so she divorced him. Doesn't mean she didn't have some love for him. But he didn't love her enough to do his part, so that speaks volumes. And no one wants to have to treat a man like child because it's not fun having a grown child and it totally kills the sexual spark. What I recommend for you is that you live alone for 2 years before trying to find someone new. You need to make your own decisions without help or being pushed to and live on your own money without anyone else's and have a car and become totally self-sufficient. You need to be able to just operate separate from your partner when the situation calls for it. It's not like you're useless. I mean you have a teaching job. Nothing wrong with that. But try to think of yourself as just being autonomous for a couple years and then carry that over to any new relationship and try to avoid someone feeling they need to push you forward. Good luck.
Author adam4little Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 Hi preraph, thank you for your reply. I guess I should clarify some things. The car thing was a thing I admit I was wrong about. I have always been a big supporter of public transit, having come from a city where it was the norm to take it to work (and then moving to one where only those who were desperate took it). Still, wrecking her car was, yes, most definitely an issue. As for "drive" it's here where I should clarify a few things. I am not, not driven, so to speak. I have a PhD and am a college professor, not flipping burgers like your pal. The issue, is that our fields are vastly different in regard to job market. She is in the medical field where, if you know anyone who works in that field, you'll know there's a lot of money to go around. I have had a hard time getting anything more than a yearly contract at the college level (this is pretty standard when you are a 30 year old, relatively new faculty member). So, it wasn't about the drive. That being said, yes, I do think she felt like the parent at times. My question to you then is: is it over then, for good? Is the parent thing the nail in the coffin?I'm just not sure what to think.
Author adam4little Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 Ok ok ok Her exact words: "I'm not sure I want to move with you" "I'm not sure I see a future with you" Translation?
NopeNah Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 I didn't read all replies BUT, this did not start over her acne meds. It started when she got her first paycheck from her "dream job", so,she now sees the value of a $.. We'll call that:strike one..Then you wrecked her car because you didn't have your own. Shouldn't be a big deal with insurance, ect but, she had already devalued you i.e. Excuse(strike numero deuce!).. Then....there's "that/those" new guys that work in the same field(medical,IMO=High ego's and drive) as her and she's just in awe. Just my take..
NopeNah Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Ok ok ok Her exact words: "I'm not sure I want to move with you" "I'm not sure I see a future with you" Translation? She's done and is eyeing or has found someone else...AT her new job. I thought you didn't want her back?
Author adam4little Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 You people are harsh. Sheesh. This all happened last night. Im a little confused as to what I want right now and am trying to maintain NC and feeling very confused, overwhelmed, and quite frankly, horrible, that the person I spent the last four years with will not be a part of my life anymore.
Author adam4little Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 Also, the value of a dollar thing is ridiculous. This is 2016. If men and women are to be treated equally (yes, still a lot of ground to make up for there) then that should mean in all areas. You cant expect to get paid the same AND then have someone pay for everything. This isn't 1950. Fair is fair. Maybe that was our issue. She is stuck in 1953. Gross.
NopeNah Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Also, the value of a dollar thing is ridiculous. This is 2016. If men and women are to be treated equally (yes, still a lot of ground to make up for there) then that should mean in all areas. You cant expect to get paid the same AND then have someone pay for everything. This isn't 1950. Fair is fair. Maybe that was our issue. She is stuck in 1953. Gross. No offense to the ladies of this site BUT, A LOT of women,who make more than their partner start to resent the fact that "I'm making X,why is he only making S ?" Put it this way...before 2008, here in the US, I was making about 7x's(annual salary) than my gf at the time. life was GREAT! I invested every cent, besides buying boats and "toy's"..When the bubble popped my financial world crashed!! Guess what she did? To some money doesn't matter/make a "man"...to most it does.
NopeNah Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 By the way...Is this the same girl that brought you here in '12?
Blanco Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 You people are harsh. Sheesh. Harshness should be welcomed if it comes with honesty, which is what I'm seeing here. Things seem pretty cut and dry in this situation but you are understandably not wanting to see the fairly clear picture of what's what. 1
sooshi Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Ok ok ok Her exact words: "I'm not sure I want to move with you" "I'm not sure I see a future with you" Translation? Translation: She doesn't want to be with you.
sooshi Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Hey all A disclaimer: this is not, despite how it might appear at moments, a 'how do I get my ex back post.' So, it sounds unique to me, but maybe it isn't. I desperately need advice. This is not my first rodeo. This is not me saying "how do I get her back," but more of just "what the hell do I do?" I'm not sure how I feel about her right now. I'm not sure what I should do. I don't know anything and need some advice. What does it sound like is going on? What is she going through? What should be my plan of attack? This does sound very much like you're asking about how you can get her back. You're looking to analyze what she is going through and what your "plan of attack" should be. Because you want to be with her, and you want to do whatever possible to be with her. At this point, it doesn't matter what she's going through. But you're suffering. You asked what you should do. What SHOULD you do? You go no contact. She doesn't want to be with you, but wants to keep you around so she can fall back on your for emotional support, maybe some physical intimacy, etc., when she feels like it. When I first came on these forums, I was feeling very vulnerable. I got some responses that seemed harsh at the time. I did not hear what I wanted to hear, and I made many rationalizations/justifications/excuses. When I think back now, I feel like everyone was right. I am incredibly thankful for these forums, and for the support I have received along the way. It has helped me become a stronger, more self-compassionate, self-loving, independent woman. I hope that in time, you will see that the honesty presented here before you is a reflection of reality, and that we share what we do so that you can begin to accept the reality. I know you're hurting right now, and it is hard to see beyond the pain. If you read other stories in the forum, you'll see that your situation is far from unique. You will see many parallels. They don't really want to be with you but want to keep you around so they can come to you when they want--because you're familiar and easy and they know they've got you wrapped around their finger. Maintain no contact. That is a vital step to take in the healing journey. Take care.
preraph Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Is she done? I don't know. But you can see why she doesn't want to have a child with someone she feels she has to supervise like a child. Now, again, I want to emphasize, maybe she's the one whose expectations are too much. But since you said a handful of things she's had to prod you toward, that's why I see you as being someone not always willing to steer the wheel, enough so that she will see you as not an asset if she had kids with you. I agree that your teaching professor job or any teaching job is a GOOD job. She sounds to me a little overly ambitious about that point. But it's the habit you've fallen into with her being your mother that doesn't sound like it could possibly work. Now, my friend went to a marriage counselor before they divorced, just about things like him not helping clean house. The counselor told her to ask him once in an nonconfrontational way and then shut up about it and that he would do it in his own time once he didn't feel she was bossing him around. But she was wrong. Some people just aren't going to do it. What about you? Would you have eventually seen that if you were borrowing a car, that you needed a car and got one, or would you have been content to just keep using her or her car to get there? I honestly think there's a better match for you. This lady may never be satisfied. Maybe with what you learned there (that you can avoid problems by being proactive) you could just take that and find someone a bit less focused on money, money, money. Good luck.
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