Breaking up with GF of 9 months

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Well, I haven't posted on here in almost a year since I've been for the most part enjoying myself, but I feel like something is missing from my relationship.

 

We've been together for 9 months, we met online.. She was originally pretty shy and I wasn't sure if I wanted to date her, but I gave her a chance and we went on a few dates. Eventually she started to open up a bit more with me, and I was OK with this since I'm more of an outgoing introvert anyways.

 

I feel like I've finally started to realize that we aren't very compatible. I have had feelings like this creep on me before but I usually just disregarded them. So far she has met most of my Family and they all think she is wonderful.. She has met some of my friends too, and she has always been very quiet around them and she isn't the same as she is around me. I know she's a lot more introverted than I am, and she's shy around people, but it's really important for someone that I'm with to be able to be able to fit in with my small group of friends. They've all been very welcoming to her too.

 

Also, she doesn't initiate contact with me hardly ever, and I usually am the one to make plans 90% of the time. She doesn't show a lot of affection ever, but I show her plenty.

 

A couple weeks ago she broke down crying and I found out she's seeing a therapist for some family issues she is having with her Mom -- I've met some of her Dad's side of her family, but it was very awkward and she didn't really introduce me to too many people -- we didn't end up staying long. I still haven't met her Mom either.

 

I don't know, I feel like we are socially incompatible. I like being alone a lot of the time and would consider myself introverted, but I can handle myself OK in social situations and periodically enjoy company. She seems a lot more isolated and I am starting to think that she doesn't really have many friends. We get along GREAT together and she is very witty and funny when it's just me and her, but I feel like her lack of social skills is coming between us, as well her lack of affection...

 

We used to have Sex multiple times a week, now it's only every couple weeks... She doesn't seem to mind, but I don't really have the same desire as I used to.

 

I want to break up with her, but I am feeling very guilty because she's a really great person and I know it would crush her I love her dearly, but I do not feel like I am IN LOVE with her...

 

Sorry if my thoughts are a bit scattered here, but any thoughts or suggestions would be welcome... thanks

Edited August 27, 2016 by barcode88

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Maybe I'm just being overly picky? Do I need to confront her on these things first? I feel so torn.

 

I read a lot of reasons for people breaking up on here, and they're always such clear cut reasons like abusive behavior.

 

I feel like my situation the lines are blurred and my Girlfriend really isn't the bad guy in the relationship. It makes it so much harder for me to consider breaking up with her

Edited August 27, 2016 by barcode88

[jen1447]

It's almost impossible to dump someone w/out being a dick and hurting them (think of what you're telling them - bscly that they're not good enough for you), but that's the way the world turns. Dating and getting into relationships is no guarantee of success.

 

I think taking a step back and looking at it big-picture rather than all the niggly little things is helpful. Your big-picture overview is "I'm unhappy w this," and that's good enough reason to end a relationship. Sometimes things can be fixed, sure, but the need itself to fix stuff usually implies the incompatibility. No one's ever a perfect fit for someone else but the basic foundation should be there.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Well in the big picture I'm not exactly unhappy ... But i'm not picture perfect happy either. It is a lot of little things that I am unhappy about that are not "big" by themselves, but combined end up being a big deal.

 

I enjoy doing things with her as a couple, and I care about her. However I wish she was more thoughtful and thought of things more. Maybe I can talk to her about this?

 

It does bother me sometimes that she's a bit anti-social, but I think I might be a bit unfair since the other night when we were hanging out with my friends, I think she was pretty tired. She does seem to try, but I think it really just comes down to her being very shy.

 

When it's just me and her she is verry funny & witty and can be a bit sarcastic. I love this about her, but when its more than just us, she clams up a bit.

 

Some of the things I dont like:

• She's messy
  
• She's sometimes TOO shy
  
• I haven't met her family much, she's met most of mine (a lot).
  
• I put more effort into contact & planning things. She almost never contacts me unless I contact her first.
  

 

 

As much as I make excuses to NOT break up with her, I don't really feel like she's the one for me... I could settle & stay with her and be content with enjoying her company, but I don't feel like I am getting the whole package.

 

I did ask her about how she feels about having kids and I got a very "meh" response that points towards NO. I really want to have kids eventually, and I feel like this may eventually come between us.

 

 

I'm hanging out with my best friend later, would it be a bad idea to talk to him about it? Normally I would want to just talk with my girlfriend, but I feel like anything she does or changes isn't going to change my mind since a lot of it comes down to who she is as a person -- and I wouldn't expect someone to change for me.

 

I guess I'm kind of looking for someone to tell me that I'm not crazy... But all of my family says extremely wonderful things about her, and my friends have never said anything negative about her.

Edited August 27, 2016 by barcode88

[jen1447]

Well in the big picture I'm not exactly unhappy ... But i'm not picture perfect happy either. It is a lot of little things that I am unhappy about that are not "big" by themselves, but combined end up being a big deal.

 

Being worried enough to post about it here = problem, no matter how you slice it.

 

 

I'm hanging out with my best friend later, would it be a bad idea to talk to him about it?

 

No, why would it be? Assuming you're not betraying her trust or anything or telling him about her IBS etc.

[SevenCity]

Dude, confront her with your issues and see if you can work them out. If that doesn't work, you've tried and can move on.

 

You don't want to go through life thinking "What ifs" or worse, try to get her back after you dump her.

[Joebloggs91]

I went through the same a few years back, I know exactly what you're going through. I was so accommodating and bent over backwards for her and didn't really get anything in return. There's a myth that guys should make all the effort which irritates me.

 

In my opinion if you're doubting the relationship now, you will continue to do so further down the line. But you need to be selfish and think of yourself. If you're not happy then you need to act on it. I lied to myself for months before I finally broke down and admitted I wasn't happy. Sure I was made out to be the cruellest person in the world when in reality I hadn't actually done anything wrong, I was just honest.

 

It'll be a bumpy ride and you will 100% get temptations to get back with her but longer term you'll be thankful.

[lolablue17]

I don't think confronting her with your "problems" will help. You just don't love her enough. When you did love her a few month ago, you didn't care much about those little things. Now that you're out of love, suddenly these things matter.

 

You just have to break up with her, telling her that your feelings have changed. That you both don't feel the same desire toward each other, so it's time to end it, even though you still have feelings for her her. (To make it easier for her, don't force her to cut contact. After the break up agree to talk to her, to meet her if she asks, so she can process everything with your help if needed).

 

To answer your guilt - Well, every day that passes you make it worse by not letting her finding the man she will be compatible with. Every day you stay, you deceive her, wasting her time with someone who doesn't love her, while she can use this time to find a guy who will love her completely, as she is, and not expecting her to change.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Thanks for the advice everyone... I talked to my friend and he didn't really say anything bad about her, but confirmed that he thinks she is a bit anti-social. Of course I didn't tell him things that were more personal between me & her. He didn't tell me it was a bad idea to break up with her, so I think I will break up with her this week. Though I think it's a good idea to wait 1-2 days to make sure I do it with a level head.

 

I don't think confronting her with your "problems" will help. You just don't love her enough. When you did love her a few month ago, you didn't care much about those little things. Now that you're out of love, suddenly these things matter.

 

You just have to break up with her, telling her that your feelings have changed. That you both don't feel the same desire toward each other, so it's time to end it, even though you still have feelings for her her. (To make it easier for her, don't force her to cut contact. After the break up agree to talk to her, to meet her if she asks, so she can process everything with your help if needed).

 

To answer your guilt - Well, every day that passes you make it worse by not letting her finding the man she will be compatible with. Every day you stay, you deceive her, wasting her time with someone who doesn't love her, while she can use this time to find a guy who will love her completely, as she is, and not expecting her to change.

 

Isn't going No Contact best? I guess right now I see us more as good friends rather than lovers... We still trust each other 100%, and we never fight or anything... The main problem is I don't feel like she's the right one for me, and there isn't any long term potential....

 

I'd like to stay in touch with her to a limited degree. I know breaking up with her is going to ruin her. She's had some emotional breakdowns recently (crying), and she told me a few weeks ago that she thinks she is depressed.. My honest opinion I think she is just sad about some things going on with her family right now, which might be part of the reason that I haven't been introduced yet.

 

I want to make sure she is OK after I break up with her, and I sort of feel responsible for her. I know she is very close to her half-sister, so maybe I will tell her to call her sister?

 

What's the general consensus in my situation -- we had a good relationship, good trust, and we were good friends to each other -- do I go full no contact?

 

 

 

Thanks for all the advice everyone its been very helpful.

 

 

EDIT: Kind of crazy but I had a dream last night that I was meeting her Mother for the first time and we were very happy together -- it's kind of weird how our emotions can project into our dreams :/

Edited August 28, 2016 by barcode88

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you will need to go No Contact. I say that because she will probably get false hopes if you continue to be part of her life.

 

Encourage her to talk to her sister or another trusted friend. Yes, this is going to hurt her but you also cannot continue with someone you know isn't the right person for you.

[Redhead14]

Well, I haven't posted on here in almost a year since I've been for the most part enjoying myself, but I feel like something is missing from my relationship.

 

We've been together for 9 months, we met online.. She was originally pretty shy and I wasn't sure if I wanted to date her, but I gave her a chance and we went on a few dates. Eventually she started to open up a bit more with me, and I was OK with this since I'm more of an outgoing introvert anyways.

 

I feel like I've finally started to realize that we aren't very compatible. I have had feelings like this creep on me before but I usually just disregarded them. So far she has met most of my Family and they all think she is wonderful.. She has met some of my friends too, and she has always been very quiet around them and she isn't the same as she is around me. I know she's a lot more introverted than I am, and she's shy around people, but it's really important for someone that I'm with to be able to be able to fit in with my small group of friends. They've all been very welcoming to her too.

 

Also, she doesn't initiate contact with me hardly ever, and I usually am the one to make plans 90% of the time. She doesn't show a lot of affection ever, but I show her plenty.

 

A couple weeks ago she broke down crying and I found out she's seeing a therapist for some family issues she is having with her Mom -- I've met some of her Dad's side of her family, but it was very awkward and she didn't really introduce me to too many people -- we didn't end up staying long. I still haven't met her Mom either.

 

I don't know, I feel like we are socially incompatible. I like being alone a lot of the time and would consider myself introverted, but I can handle myself OK in social situations and periodically enjoy company. She seems a lot more isolated and I am starting to think that she doesn't really have many friends. We get along GREAT together and she is very witty and funny when it's just me and her, but I feel like her lack of social skills is coming between us, as well her lack of affection...

 

We used to have Sex multiple times a week, now it's only every couple weeks... She doesn't seem to mind, but I don't really have the same desire as I used to.

 

I want to break up with her, but I am feeling very guilty because she's a really great person and I know it would crush her I love her dearly, but I do not feel like I am IN LOVE with her...

 

Sorry if my thoughts are a bit scattered here, but any thoughts or suggestions would be welcome... thanks

She doesn't show a lot of affection ever, but I show her plenty. -- Usually, if someone isn't being affectionate (outside of the bedroom) for 9 months, it means they aren't that emotionally invested and just along for the ride because they don't want to be alone, need a boyfriend/girlfriend for validation and/or just like the attention or think they can't do better or will never find someone else . . . no matter what, you should be feeling loved by a partner and you aren't.

 

Let her go. She's not mutually invested enough to make you happy enough of the time. If you're unhappy more often than you're happy . . . it's just not right.