road Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 This is a long message and I have done it in the hope that you can find something in my experience to help you realise that you do have the power to finally break it off with your MM. Of course I loved him. I still do in a way. But that was a long time ago now. I would never have slept with a married man otherwise. That was the one and only time I ever had an affair and I was 24 when it first started. It was because I loved him that I finished with him. It had nothing to do with playing games in the hope that he would choose me. I always knew he would never choose me even though he did all the chasing and always showed his love and affection for me throughout the 7 years we were together. I loved him with all my heart but I knew he was married so I never once allowed myself during our affair to think that anything could or would come of our relationship. It wasn’t my place to think like that as he was already taken and because he was married I never once told him I loved him either. He did tell me that it was impossible to choose between me and his wife and on one occasion he was in a lot of mental anguish as he wanted to be with me but couldn’t face walking away from his family. I never said anything in reply because it wasn’t my place to and I didn’t want to influence him either way. At the end I came home one night from seeing him and I realised that I wanted to see more of him. I also realised that I had to break it off with him because my feelings had deepened even more towards him. I thought it better that I be hurt and upset than his wife and children as I was single so I could easily meet someone else, whereas his wife would have been devastated and it would have changed her life and their two children’s lives forever. (They were about 4 and 6 at the time.) So I finished with him by phone when he called me the next day. He asked to see me but I said there was no point as I wanted to see more of him and for that reason it had to end. He said he had invested too much time in his family to walk away which I accepted as that was never the issue. He never contacted me again and he is still married to his wife so I'm pleased it worked out for them after all. Most likely what he did was find another woman/women to have an affair with.
road Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I am not in a good place....Not sure If posting here or should be an update? I've been trying to move forward, Although maybe not really, I foolishly thought oh of course we could be friends and I could be happy for you because I want what's best for you blah blah blah... He had a BBQ today invited me to come. In the past I have said no. A. its disrespectful B. It is too painful (have gotten in arguments over it) I contemplated not going. For some reason thought I would be ok.... Nope.....not ok......The last time I was there was a year ago, when we were together a week before he left to get married. There's pictures of them all over, wedding pictures. Laughing and happy and all I could think was when you were laughing and smiling did you think at all about how my heart was breaking. Did you think at all about how you were having sex with someone else a week ago. Or did you think about the fact here I am getting married and I'm lying and deceiving the person I'm marrying, who I said I loved? Please spare me the I deserve this and the emotional @**kicking I've done more than enough of that myself. Still say you do not need to have 100% NC? You wanted affair You want divorce You will not find a new job Choices we make lead to consequences. NC is yours. You danced. Now it is time to pay for the music.
Adoraxx Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I am not in a good place....Not sure If posting here or should be an update? I've been trying to move forward, Although maybe not really, I foolishly thought oh of course we could be friends and I could be happy for you because I want what's best for you blah blah blah... He had a BBQ today invited me to come. In the past I have said no. A. its disrespectful B. It is too painful (have gotten in arguments over it) I contemplated not going. For some reason thought I would be ok.... Nope.....not ok......The last time I was there was a year ago, when we were together a week before he left to get married. There's pictures of them all over, wedding pictures. Laughing and happy and all I could think was when you were laughing and smiling did you think at all about how my heart was breaking. Did you think at all about how you were having sex with someone else a week ago. Or did you think about the fact here I am getting married and I'm lying and deceiving the person I'm marrying, who I said I loved? Please spare me the I deserve this and the emotional @**kicking I've done more than enough of that myself. I'm sorry you're hurting Sunshine. The good thing about this is that next time you won't to that BBQ ;-). But I know it hurts. This past Summer I saw pics all over FB - xMM and W celebrating their who knows how many years anniversary. And I sat there, looked at those pics and thought to myself those same thoughts that you were thinking: 'did you think at all about how my heart was breaking' and other things like that I hope you'll feel better soon!!!! I'm not sure if I asked already but is there any possibility that you can find a job some place else? Hugs!! 1
Author Chica80 Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 (edited) I'm sorry you're hurting Sunshine. The good thing about this is that next time you won't to that BBQ ;-). But I know it hurts. This past Summer I saw pics all over FB - xMM and W celebrating their who knows how many years anniversary. And I sat there, looked at those pics and thought to myself those same thoughts that you were thinking: 'did you think at all about how my heart was breaking' and other things like that I hope you'll feel better soon!!!! I'm not sure if I asked already but is there any possibility that you can find a job some place else? Hugs!! Thank you Yes. Ive looked, for the whole last year. Applied for other jobs.Can't right now. Addressed in post #30 Edited September 5, 2016 by Sunshinechica 1
Birdies Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 My heart goes out to you, as I thought I would be in the same position... very competitive job market, can't leave work, AP is a coworker who I work with closely, needed to end the A with (hopefully) no D-Day. Instead, the A became public knowledge and our lives were completely torpedoed (but hey at least we didn't get fired!). But anyway, I've thought about this a lot and I can relate. I think your best bet is to try to limit your interactions with him to purely professional. The more you small talk at work, or communicate about anything non-essential, or get together outside of work, the longer and harder the process of getting over him and moving on will be. It would be painful but better if you could just rip the bandaid and not see him any more, but since that's not an option, you gotta try to get as close to that as you can. Honestly I'm sure he does miss you and feels guilt for hurting you, and feels generally guilty for being a cheating scumbag. (No judgement implied there... I just mean that most cheaters with any kind of conscience probably feel that way, because we know it's true. I know I did.) Time will help. Just put your chin down and get through it with as little contact as possible. Hugs.
Author Chica80 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Posted September 7, 2016 My heart goes out to you, as I thought I would be in the same position... very competitive job market, can't leave work, AP is a coworker who I work with closely, needed to end the A with (hopefully) no D-Day. Instead, the A became public knowledge and our lives were completely torpedoed (but hey at least we didn't get fired!). But anyway, I've thought about this a lot and I can relate. I think your best bet is to try to limit your interactions with him to purely professional. The more you small talk at work, or communicate about anything non-essential, or get together outside of work, the longer and harder the process of getting over him and moving on will be. It would be painful but better if you could just rip the bandaid and not see him any more, but since that's not an option, you gotta try to get as close to that as you can. Honestly I'm sure he does miss you and feels guilt for hurting you, and feels generally guilty for being a cheating scumbag. (No judgement implied there... I just mean that most cheaters with any kind of conscience probably feel that way, because we know it's true. I know I did.) Time will help. Just put your chin down and get through it with as little contact as possible. Hugs. Thank you....I'm trying....I'm pretty sure with the exception of one day this week I will not see him for two weeks. It will give me some space and time. It's not easy. He has become a big support for me through this time (maybe some of it is guilt as he had a part in it). Yes the whole situation is a mess. Because neither of us really wants to let go. But we have to. It's selfish and not functional this way. I've read some of your post. Do you wish you had stayed w your H and not AP?
Birdies Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Thank you....I'm trying....I'm pretty sure with the exception of one day this week I will not see him for two weeks. It will give me some space and time. It's not easy. He has become a big support for me through this time (maybe some of it is guilt as he had a part in it). Yes the whole situation is a mess. Because neither of us really wants to let go. But we have to. It's selfish and not functional this way. I've read some of your post. Do you wish you had stayed w your H and not AP? Yeah, I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to but feeling like you have to. An awful place to be, but you're doing the right thing. I'm sorry though As for me, no, I don't wish I had stayed with my husband. I regret hurting him more than anything, and the guilt and heartbreak I feel about that is overwhelming at times. I so wish that I had dealt with my unhappiness and resentment in a better, less selfish, less cowardly way. But ultimately, putting all of that aside, even though he's a wonderful person and I miss him tremendously - I don't think the issues we had were resolvable, and I'm glad that we separated before children came into the picture. And I truly love my AP and I know he loves me, and we are much more compatible in every way, and the hope that we could be happy together is a pretty big silver lining in this complete mess of a situation. And I still believe we're good people and could be good partners to each other, even though we were both terribly weak and selfish.
Author Chica80 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Posted September 7, 2016 Yeah, I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to but feeling like you have to. An awful place to be, but you're doing the right thing. I'm sorry though As for me, no, I don't wish I had stayed with my husband. I regret hurting him more than anything, and the guilt and heartbreak I feel about that is overwhelming at times. I so wish that I had dealt with my unhappiness and resentment in a better, less selfish, less cowardly way. But ultimately, putting all of that aside, even though he's a wonderful person and I miss him tremendously - I don't think the issues we had were resolvable, and I'm glad that we separated before children came into the picture. And I truly love my AP and I know he loves me, and we are much more compatible in every way, and the hope that we could be happy together is a pretty big silver lining in this complete mess of a situation. And I still believe we're good people and could be good partners to each other, even though we were both terribly weak and selfish. For me I had finally reached an end. But divorce did not seem like an option. I felt I had given everything I had and had nothing left. At one point after he knew (I disclosed to H) death seemed like a better option. I regret the A to end things. I regret hurting my STBXH. I feel awful for his wife. But i don't regret knowing AP or the relationship we had if that makes any sense? I see how hard it has been on AP as well. He is not a bad person. He made bad decisions as did I. But he is not bad Ive tried nc before. Not for long. Trying to stick it out this time. Just hurts too much.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Listen, you need to make a decision about whether you are going to let some guy dictate the choices - the big decisions - you make in your life. Who cares if this guy is nice, supportive, whatever. Think about my question - are you really going to let your feelings for some guy cause you to make a career change? You already are getting a divorce. Now you are going to leave your job? What is next, will you move to a new town? state? country? In no way is this an attack. I hope you don't see it like that. You know what I do not see here? Men leaving their jobs or moving over some woman. There is something to be said for sucking it up, accepting your losses, moving on and compartmentalizing. Men rarely get all deep like we do in the first place and they sure as heck do not destroy their careers over us. Is your AP thinking about quitting his job? Probably not and he is the one who is married, not you. Why do we have to be the ones to make the sacrifice? It's perfectly fine to leave your job or move but it has been my experience that if you do not resolve your issues, they will just follow you to the next place. I have no idea why the guys are posting for you to put your tail between legs and run away. You're getting divorced. You don't have to answer to anyone. Do whatever you want, but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. I hope this makes sense. It is just where I am these days. 2
Author Chica80 Posted September 8, 2016 Author Posted September 8, 2016 Listen, you need to make a decision about whether you are going to let some guy dictate the choices - the big decisions - you make in your life. Who cares if this guy is nice, supportive, whatever. Think about my question - are you really going to let your feelings for some guy cause you to make a career change? You already are getting a divorce. Now you are going to leave your job? What is next, will you move to a new town? state? country? In no way is this an attack. I hope you don't see it like that. You know what I do not see here? Men leaving their jobs or moving over some woman. There is something to be said for sucking it up, accepting your losses, moving on and compartmentalizing. Men rarely get all deep like we do in the first place and they sure as heck do not destroy their careers over us. Is your AP thinking about quitting his job? Probably not and he is the one who is married, not you. Why do we have to be the ones to make the sacrifice? It's perfectly fine to leave your job or move but it has been my experience that if you do not resolve your issues, they will just follow you to the next place. I have no idea why the guys are posting for you to put your tail between legs and run away. You're getting divorced. You don't have to answer to anyone. Do whatever you want, but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. I hope this makes sense. It is just where I am these days. MB I agree with you. I feel like everything I've done is to protect him his relationship his reputation. I'm not anymore I will not go out of my way to hurt him. But I will do what I need to take care of me. To get better for me 3
Adoraxx Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 MB I agree with you. I feel like everything I've done is to protect him his relationship his reputation. I'm not anymore I will not go out of my way to hurt him. But I will do what I need to take care of me. To get better for me Do what you need to do to get better for YOU. And yes, if that means leaving your job or moving, you should totally do that. I've stayed in this town for years and I haven't been able to get over him. I think it will get better once I know for sure that I will NEVER see him again and that's why I will move. On to more exciting things!!! You might find a job which will be much better for you eventually! Or a town that you will enjoy so much more than this one!!! 1
Adoraxx Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 p.s. And what does it matter if you're the one to leave.... Let him stay in the same environment with the same people with the same job and all that. YOU will be the one to go on an adventure and he'll still be stuck in the same place forever (that's how I look at it LOL) 1
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