Finding others attractive whilst in relationship

[Mikey89]

So earlier today my girlfriend asked me if i find other girls attractive, i asked her why she was asking and she said she was just wondering. I was honest and said yes, that just because im in a relationship that it doesnt mean every girl automatically turns ugly. I said to her i find other girls attractive but i do not look at them or view them like i do my girlfriend. She said ok but that with me saying that she now doesnt feel good enough for me. She has been suffering lately with some weight gain and maybe she is just down on confidence at the minute.

 

I said to her that just because I am with her I dont expect her not to find any other guys attractive, i know that she is with me and its normal to find others attractive.

 

Was I being too honest? I just feel that anyone who says they dont find others attractive is a liar, you can find others attractive doesnt mean your going to do anything. Like i mentioned above i just feel she is insecure at the moment as she has put on some weight in last few months. Is there anything i can do to help assure her i just want her or is it up to her to make herself feel good in herself?

[central]

Honesty is always best. If she can't handle it, then she needs to work on her issues so she can.

[hippychick3]

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you said. But it might help to add that although you still find other women attractive that you're not actually attracted to other women. Clarifying this way may help her feel better. Beyond that, it is really her issue to deal with.

[LaurenP15]

If she's asking, it might be because she's insecure and vulnerable at the moment. You were right to be honest with her, but you also need to reassure her that there's nothing for her to worry about.

[Shanex]

It's normal for find others still attractive. Unless you are overly (madly) in love.

 

Looking around isn't cheating, thankfully. I draw the line at physical approaches. Not a smile or things like that.

[Mikey89]

I just feel like i have made her feel no good now. I dont know what she expected me to say though, she knows i would have been lying if i said i didnt find anyone else attractive like i know she wouldnt be being honest if she she said no other guy was. Like they say when your in a relationship you can look but not touch and you look because your attracted in the first place.

 

In terms of her weight gain and insecurity how should I approach it? We can both see she has put on weight but I know its a sensitive subject for her I dont want to make her feel even worse.

[down hearted]

honestly it seems you were sincere and respectful at the same time, she should't have asked that question nor put you in that position knowingly she may not feel comfortable with the response. As much as you are supportive and loving towards her, she is the one that needs to slowly work on her insecurities and grow from that, you obviously care about her she has nothing to worry about. You can do up to so much for someone but you can't change her mentality or way of thinking regarding her own insecurities it is something that she must work on her own from within herself.

[kgcolonel]

I am asked this quite often both by my by friends (generally when out with other couples as we are nudists, and there are some swingers among our social group of 150 or so.). My response is "I appreciate the female body as being a beautiful work of grace and beauty however, I don't look at then as something I'd want to engage with in a sexual manner" we are definitely not into swinging or anything of the like however God created beauty and to not appreciate it would be wrong. IMO the body is a miraculous work of art...all shapes, sizes and personalities. I have learned to appreciate and have an interest in all.

[Gaeta]

She is not a little girl anymore and you won't protect her feelings with lies. Being in a relationship doesn't mean being dead. Yes we continue finding other people attractive but we make the choice to be with our BF-GF and that has much more value.

 

Once in a while before leaving for work my BF tells me : Super hot guys are gonna be all over you today. I reply: I don't care if Brad Pitt stops in town you're the hottest to me babe.

 

I think she just wanted to hear something along those lines.

[elaine567]

This is a "Does this dress make me look fat?" type of question.

 

She didn't want to hear the truth, that was not the point of the question.

She wanted to hear how you only have eyes for her and that she is the only girl for you and that there are NO more attractive girls around, or if there are, you haven't noticed them.

It is called wooing and keeping your woman happy.

 

She did NOT want to hear that there are women out there that you are attracted to.

 

YOU took the question literally, told the truth and now she is massively upset as she is struggling with weight gain and self image issues.

Knowing that, you should have chosen your words far more carefully and as Gaeta does make a joke about it..

"Once in a while before leaving for work my BF tells me : Super hot guys are gonna be all over you today.

I reply: I don't care if Brad Pitt stops in town you're the hottest to me babe"

 

Your "honest" reply would have been along the lines of "Yes, Rob in accounts is super hot and Yes, I do find him very sexy..." = very upset BF.

[Gaeta]

Your "honest" reply would have been along the lines of "Yes, Rob in accounts is super hot and Yes, I do find him very sexy..." = very upset BF.

 

Those of us with a little bit of experience know honesty is over-rated in a relationship.

[central]

The problem with that, elaine, is that it would be a lie. And if he can't act consistently to support the lie, she will notice that he does look at other women occasionally, and be upset that he does AND that he lied about it. He can't win that game. Better for him to tell the truth AND be supportive and encouraging by showing his love for her. He has chosen to be with her, and has not chosen to leave and pursue some other woman.

 

Suggesting he lie reduces her to the level of a child who must be lied to in order to protect them from reality. That's a very disrespectful way to treat an adult.

[Gaeta]

The problem with that, elaine, is that it would be a lie. And if he can't act consistently to support the lie, she will notice that he does look at other women occasionally, and be upset that he does AND that he lied about it. He can't win that game. Better for him to tell the truth AND be supportive and encouraging by showing his love for her.

 

Suggesting he lie reduces her to the level of a child who must be lied to in order to protect them from reality. That's a very disrespectful way to treat an adult.

 

It's not a lie at all, it's putting the emphasis on truth actually.

 

Example in my reply to my boyfriend I never told him he was hotter than Brad Pitt, that would be a lie but I told him he was the hottest to me even compared to Brad Pitt and that is the truth !

 

OP should have told his girlfriend that yes there are very attractive women out there but TO HIM she is the hottest.

[elaine567]

Suggesting he lie reduces her to the level of a child who must be lied to in order to protect them from reality. That's a very disrespectful way to treat an adult.

 

Nonsense.

She didn't ask the question to get the truth, unless she has a single figure IQ she will know everyone finds some members of the opposite sex attractive, she asked the question to get reassurance from her bf, which she didn't get. In the same way Gaeta's bf gets reassured by her morning joke.

We all oil the wheels of social interaction with "lies" as the real truth is often hurtful and upsetting, so we tend to try and shield those we love by deliberately trying to bolster them up not bring them down by uncomfortable truths.

There is always a place for the truth, but telling your gf you find other women attractive is never a good idea.

[central]

Nonsense.

She didn't ask the question to get the truth, unless she has a single figure IQ she will know everyone finds some members of the opposite sex attractive, she asked the question to get reassurance from her bf, which she didn't get. In the same way Gaeta's bf gets reassured by her morning joke.

We all oil the wheels of social interaction with "lies" as the real truth is often hurtful and upsetting, so we tend to try and shield those we love by deliberately trying to bolster them up not bring them down by uncomfortable truths.

There is always a place for the truth, but telling your gf you find other women attractive is never a good idea.

 

I guess we'll just have to disagree. I certainly wouldn't believe my wife/gf if she told me she does NOT find some other men attractive. Sure, she may find me MORE attractive since she's choosing to be with me. And it may even be that I'm less physically attractive, but have many other qualities that make me far preferable to those other attractive men.

 

I would find the truth more reassuring, and be suspicious of the lie as being insincere, and perhaps even manipulative. If she can lie about fundamentals of attraction, what else can she lie about? If I'm threatened by the mere possibility that other men are attractive in some ways, I may as well give up now!

 

Yes, I have told my wife that other women are attractive. She knows I'm with her by my choice and free will, because we are a truly great match. She is secure in my love for her, and vice versa. We are comfortable pointing out other people we find attractive, or the other may find attractive, just as we'd point out a beautiful sunset or a remarkable work of art. We don't expect to possess those things, but we can appreciate them. If we're too insecure to be honest with each other, we probably wouldn't even be together - I expect a higher level of integrity than is shown by petty lies.

Edited August 27, 2016 by central

[mikeylo]

Finding other people attractive is NOT the problem. The problem is HOW you make your partner feel.

If you keep pointing out every person with 2 legs as attractive because you have eyes and legs yourself then don't expect your partner to stick around. If they do, then one day they themselves will show you the mirror to see the truth because remember, they too have eyes and legs ! The difference is all about what is important to you-- drooling over someone who goes to a different bed everyday or someone who is next to you, accepting you as a person-- warts and all.

Choose wisely

[SevenCity]

"Do you find other girls attractive?"

 

"Not as attractive as you baby" (wink, followed up with a slap on the butt)

 

Done - gf feels giddy and no need to post a thread.

 

Women don't want you to be logical when they ask you a question like that.

[elaine567]

I guess we'll just have to disagree. I certainly wouldn't believe my wife/gf if she told me she does NOT find some other men attractive. .

 

OK, but as far as we know your wife is not having weight gain and body image issues, if she was, would it not be a bit tactless of you to point out gorgeous women that you find attractive then?

Also no-one could say that your non-monogamous open relationship is the norm, so I guess you are more comfortable telling the truth to your wife about those you find attractive.

 

Most in monogamous relationships tend not to push buttons by emphasising the attractiveness of others, especially when one of the pair is having body image issues. Many men are also very touchy on the subject of their wife/gf finding other men attractive, so it is not just a female thing.

By asking the question she expressed her insecurity, the last thing she needed to hear from his lips was that he is attracted to other women, no matter how much of a biological fact that may be.

[central]

OK, but as far as we know your wife is not having weight gain and body image issues, if she was, would it not be a bit tactless of you to point out gorgeous women that you find attractive then?

Also no-one could say that your non-monogamous open relationship is the norm, so I guess you are more comfortable telling the truth to your wife about those you find attractive.

 

Most in monogamous relationships tend not to push buttons by emphasising the attractiveness of others, especially when one of the pair is having body image issues. Many men are also very touchy on the subject of their wife/gf finding other men attractive, so it is not just a female thing.

By asking the question she expressed her insecurity, the last thing she needed to hear from his lips was that he is attracted to other women, no matter how much of a biological fact that may be.

 

Our non-monogamous relationship really has nothing to do with it, elaine. And yes, if she had weight gain or body image issues, I would not point out attractive women or say anything about them. I'd still look and enjoy it, I'd still love my wife, and would still choose to be with her. (And she'd still look at attractive men, naturally.) But if she asked if I found other women attractive, I would have no reservations about telling her the truth, and also telling her that I love her and choose her. Because that would be true, as well.

 

What you seem to be saying is that monogamous relationships are so fragile that they can't survive hearing the truth. I know that's not the case, but you seem to be making it! LOL

[Timshel]

The time in the past that I felt threatened by acknowledging that my SO found other women attractive; I was insecure, with questionable self esteem and that was MY problem. I was also in high school.

 

Through all my relationships to current....I am usually the one to say pretty girl, nice *ss, what a beautiful woman, wow.....sometimes for personality only or physique only or both. Men/women/people....some are just wow for varied reasons. Being able to recognize and appreciate this need not be a prelude to infidelity. I also am wowed by fine art, delicious meals, a glorious sunrise...blah, blah.

 

This is your gf's insecurity that she needs to work on. I don't think telling her the truth (that she should already know) should send her into a tailspin.

 

She knows that she wants to lose weight, she does not feel pretty atm. How would you coddling/pacifying/lying to her be of assistance? Would it help her if you lie?

 

OP, she asked, you answered honestly and without insult. I think that is so invaluable....I want people I trust and love to tell me the truth....not allow me to wallow in procrastination and delusion.

[elaine567]

What you seem to be saying is that monogamous relationships are so fragile that they can't survive hearing the truth. I know that's not the case, but you seem to be making it! LOL

 

That is not necessarily true but many monogamous relationships are predicated on the couple NOT actually rocking boats as regards saying out loud that they find other people attractive.

This relationship has one partner who has body image issues and her confidence is low and is thus understandably upset that her bf decided to tell "the truth" to her in an uncompromising way, instead of jollying her along and making her feel like a million dollars. Yes, she knows she is still fat, yes, she knows he finds other women attractive, but she feels he cares enough about her, to not upset her unnecessarily.

[Gaeta]

What you seem to be saying is that monogamous relationships are so fragile that they can't survive hearing the truth. I know that's not the case, but you seem to be making it! LOL

 

Not at all.

 

Some couples point attractive people to each other and it's like a game.

 

Other couple would find it disrespectful.

 

The important is to know in what category you fall.

 

I am sure 110% OP knew it would hurt his girlfriend's feelings and he still went down that road.

 

He could have been honest but a little more diplomat about it and put all the emphasis on her and how she is unique to him.

 

The old saying goes: Do you want to be right or you want to be happy.

 

Especially when it comes to silly and trivial little things like this is it worth hurting your girlfriend's feelings!

[Timshel]

I fully understand your points elaine. Love, compassion, empathy....I give all this in spades daily...to my children, my bf, family, friends, the cashier...and on.

I don't see that he was unkind, and to be honest...starting to feel like these highly sensitive, first world fiasco's of self are becoming too much...and exasperating. More importantly, indulging these 'if you love me' tantrums are not helpful. People are throwing woe is me and pity party's at alarming rates/frequency.

Maybe my career has made me callous....but the swing towards self-involvement and unnecessary histrionics over problems of the person's own making is mind bending.

 

Yes to love, kindness, being supportive. No to excessive self pity, denial, emotional manipulation, drama and basically making your own discomfort your SO's and anyone who really luv's me problem to fix.

[Popsicle]

She should have NEVER asked that, but since she went there, you should have just joked around in an obvious way and said something like "Of course I only find YOU attractive, honey." If she laughs with you and drops it, then you're good. If she gets all mad and keeps pressing, then you repeat those same words above, but this time drop the chuckling. And at that point, you know you're dealing with someone who's going to ask you those sorts of questions all the time.

[losangelena]

"Do you find other girls attractive?"

 

"Not as attractive as you baby" (wink, followed up with a slap on the butt)

 

Done - gf feels giddy and no need to post a thread.

 

Women don't want you to be logical when they ask you a question like that.

 

This is the correct response.