Do I have a warped understanding of what a friendship should be?

August 26, 2016

So I do understand that you guys don't personally know me or the person I will be talking about in this thread. I would just like some one to explain to me the things I could have done better and also whether I went about this the wrong way.

I don't want any harsh judgment I'm already harsh on myself as it is.

So to go into my story.

I met this male artist online off of Facebook we met through an artist page that we are both members of.

He posted that he was looking for artist friends in the local area. So... I reached out to him.

We met up I wound up picking him up because well... His car doesn't have A/C and we were going to be going to an Art Gallery quite a ways away so I was l jus felt it'd be dumb to let him drive with no A/C when we both are going to the same place!

Well we hit it off and ever since that day we spent every weekend together for nearly a month.

About a week or so of us meeting I take him to the pancakes and booze event so he could sell some of his art. Like an idiot I drove him there...helped him set up, I even helped him with a promotional video just a few hours before for his page of which got over 1.5k likes.

So we make it there and he starts setting up. We were already there 4 hrs ahead of time. So I'm just sort of wondering around and helping him set up his pieces.

Well the art show starts up (it started at 8pm) and we're just walking around talking to other people. He's doing a live video feed on his art page and I'm just socializing with other people.

So I'm starting to get tired. A few hours have gone by and I'm exhausted. We had been there all day and I had to go to work the following morning. I was honestly unaware that the show started at 8pm. I didn't know this until we got there.

Any way I expressed that I'm starting to get tired and he's like "artist don't get tired" and he's still wondering around and I'm just pretty much kickin it solo looking at art and what not. I wonder around with him for a little while then we got split up again. I find him and he says "you like tired". I had already expresses prior that i had to be to work earky in the morning. He states that he was going to get another 25min of video feed for his page and then we can go.

Well 40min go by and I can't find him. So I go to my car because my phone was dead and I was tired.

I've been in my car for about an hour and he comes to the car and ask "why did you go to the car? I had been looking for you for the longest."

He stares that he has to go get his paintings and that hell be "right back" another 40min go by and so I'm now like"WTF".

He finally gets in the car and explained that he got caught up talking to another friend of mine that had gond to the event.

I was PISSED OFF at this point. I expressed this and probably not in the best of way either.

We got into an argument and I expresses that he seems to be a selfish person and that he lacked consideration for my time.

He shot back explaining that I have this paradigm where I accuse people of things and that I have am constantly on the defense like I'm trying to protect a certain aspect of myself (who isn't protective of them self and their time though??)

To make an even longer story short we argued and he basically threatened to end our friendship because k felt what he did was selfish.

We eventually made up and hung out within the following weeks.

I want you guys to understand something I was REALLY supportive of him. I gave him art supplies of my own because he stated he didn't have much.

I drove him places and we did artistic things together etc. When he came over I'd offer him the food i cooked. Even when we ate out I bought him foid a few times. He NEVER once offered me ANYTHING. NOTHING.

He would hang out with me and helped me with a few things but even then he was still kind of a jerk. He would snap st me some times and would say things like "you don't follow instructions well". When I expressed how certain things happened in my life to make me feel insecure in some ways he'd snap at me and basically tell me to "get over it".

He wasn't a very good friend I don't think it feels like he wasn't.

He also stated that he knew I liked him however I wasn't sure of my feelings I just was really happy to have an artistic friend to do things with. Whether something romantic or platonic came out of it I'd be happy.

However our friendship was very brief. After all of those things that happened me helping him supporting him and him helping me a little too with my art we had found a balance.

So I asked him one day if he'd paint me in the nude a month from now. I'm really starting to feel confident in myself and me working out with a trainer for two months and seeing great results boosted my confidence.

I asked him to do this for me and he told me that I'd have to pay him to paint me. Now... I've bought a painting from him before. So it wasn't like I was asking for art from him and NEVER supported him.

I felt really hurt. I told him that he was a selfish person anfthat he's never done anything for me and this one time I ask him to do something for me he states that he can't.

I expressed that a complete stranger who doesn't even know me is creating a painting for me, for free because he GENUINELY likes me and that speaks VOLUMES to me.

He got angry stated that all those things i gave him he could have gotten from other people that support him(ouch!) and that he offered me his time which is more valuable than anything and basically stated we should no longer be friends since I have a warped perception of him.

So I stated I'd respect his wishes then.

So he goes to facebook and post status updates alluding to me about the meaning of selfishness and how some people just give fish and that he teaches people how to fish...etc.

He really hurt me with that. I never posted anything on Facebook and I never would.

So sorry that this is long.

What do you guys gather from this?

August 26, 2016

Transactional relationship.

Next time, and yeah I know it can be a battle if one has the personality, let friendships develop slowly over a long period of time, like years. In the interim, give only what is given freely and without any expectation at all. Think of it as giving to a complete stranger.

My long-departed father had some words of wisdom about marriages and friendships and tended to put things in accounting terms since he was, eh, an accountant.

Son, when you start doing ledger entries, it's no longer a relationship rather an accounting exercise. People aren't ledgers.

I've found that advice to be surprisingly accurate in life.

August 26, 2016

Transactional relationship.

Next time, and yeah I know it can be a battle if one has the personality, let friendships develop slowly over a long period of time, like years. In the interim, give only what is given freely and without any expectation at all. Think of it as giving to a complete stranger.

My long-departed father had some words of wisdom about marriages and friendships and tended to put things in accounting terms since he was, eh, an accountant.

Son, when you start doing ledger entries, it's no longer a relationship rather an accounting exercise. People aren't ledgers.

I've found that advice to be surprisingly accurate in life.

Wow! Thank you! I'm starting to learn this now. I'm fairly new to the whole friendship relationships aspect.

I've never had friends or anyone that wanted to be close to me. So I genuinely invest my all.

August 26, 2016

What do you guys gather from this?

To borrow from the British, he's a pillock.

August 26, 2016

It's commendable to be willing to invest; the experiences with it will help develop a particular style which speaks to you. Consider this result one result and one canary of where you apparently feel your boundary lays. Over time, such boundaries will solidify and experiences like this will occur and be handled pleasantly and positively.

We humans are a covetous bunch and learning to say 'no' to that coveting is part of asserting our independence and autonomy and health.

Even though the day turned out to be a bit wearing and long, perhaps you met some interesting people along the way and had some positive experiences. If so, to me there is value in that regardless of whatever happened with the artist.

Sounds like you're enjoying where life is going right now and I hope that continues. You may be surprised where those who ultimately become your long-term friends come from. That's what makes life interesting and fun.

August 26, 2016

There's a lot of messiness here, and it's not just your friend's fault.

He does sound selfish, and he was inconsiderate of your time that night. (BTW, "artists don't get tired," reads to me like "cocaine.") However, since he has a car of his own, I'm questioning why you were charge of his transportation. Forget the A/C excuse. He should have gotten there himself so he'd have the freedom to leave whenever he wanted. You should have just been a visitor to that event.

It seems like by driving him there, setting him up, etc. you chose to take on this extra-supportive role of "his assistant." And you unknowingly signed up for more than you could handle. Not all of that is his fault.

In general, this "assistant" behavior doesn't sound healthy for a friendship so new, especially since it sounds like he's not doing the same for you. But you're playing the martyr role a bit - bending over backwards more than you need to, then getting upset when it's not recognized the way you want.

Reading between the lines, it does sound like you have some kind of crush on this guy, because people normally don't jump through these types of hoops for new friends, or have these types of dramas.

The nude painting - jeez. To me, and maybe to him, too, that's a transparently sexual gesture. Can you admit that you want him to be turned on by your body? Nothing wrong with that, but there are less mind-f*ck ways to go about it!

August 26, 2016

Standard-Fare nailed it.

While he wasn't considerate of your time, you were very much over invested in this outing. You should have let him drive his own car and just come and visited him for an hour or so.

Also, if air con was important to him, he'd have a car with air con.

Edited August 26, 2016 by basil67

August 26, 2016

There's a lot of messiness here, and it's not just your friend's fault.

He does sound selfish, and he was inconsiderate of your time that night. (BTW, "artists don't get tired," reads to me like "cocaine.") However, since he has a car of his own, I'm questioning why you were charge of his transportation. Forget the A/C excuse. He should have gotten there himself so he'd have the freedom to leave whenever he wanted. You should have just been a visitor to that event.

It seems like by driving him there, setting him up, etc. you chose to take on this extra-supportive role of "his assistant." And you unknowingly signed up for more than you could handle. Not all of that is his fault.

In general, this "assistant" behavior doesn't sound healthy for a friendship so new, especially since it sounds like he's not doing the same for you. But you're playing the martyr role a bit - bending over backwards more than you need to, then getting upset when it's not recognized the way you want.

Reading between the lines, it does sound like you have some kind of crush on this guy, because people normally don't jump through these types of hoops for new friends, or have these types of dramas.

The nude painting - jeez. To me, and maybe to him, too, that's a transparently sexual gesture. Can you admit that you want him to be turned on by your body? Nothing wrong with that, but there are less mind-f*ck ways to go about it!

I agree to the part of about me allowing some of these things to happen. I'm new to all this honestly. I just want friends honestly. As for a crush yeah it may have been there but truthfully I was in it for the experience. As for the nude painting... I see nothing wrong with that he's an artist and if prefer a friend to paint me in the nude than someone else.

He offered to paint me in the nude at one point and when I finally asked him to he said no. So... That's why I have hurt feelings about it. Because I want to ebentually model and that requires me coming out of my shell.

August 27, 2016

I should also add after that incident I never did anything like that for him again.

I felt like he didn't genuinely appreciate my effort. He told me thanks for everything afterward, but even still.

So... The a/c thing with his car I realize now that was an excuse. I've even tried to see if he'd let me ride in his car and he claims it was a "mess."

We were discussing going some where and he was like well we can ride in our own separate cars. To me that's STUPID we were leaving from my place to go to the SAME EXACT location. WHY would we do something like that. I mean friends are supposed to look out for each other, right?

I just felt like he wasn't a good friend. He didn't go out of his way to be a good friend to me. He would ask to come over and hang out with me and draw but... That was it.

He didn't know about many places here in our town locally so it was kind of... I dunno. I felt like as a friend.. Truthfully we could we could go out and do artsy things together.

It wasn't until I experienced all of these things that doing all of that us exhausting. I expressed to him that the whole friendship thing is new to me and that I'm just trying to learn. That even my interactions with him were all for me to EXPERIENCE and learn.

That's what I got from all of this. I'm not even angry or want the things I gave him back.

He took to social media to talk about me and had all his fans/friends make judgements about a situation they know nothing about! Even then I still said nothing and left him be.

I feel if you can go out of your way to TALK about me rather than help me with something I asked you to...and that you had originally OFFERED to do then you aren't a good friend and I feel very sound and content with my decision.

August 27, 2016

He doesn't sound like a giving person. I don't know if it is just that you have written about what you gave to him, in terms of time and support, but there is no mention of what he gave you, except time.

He seems a bit mean to me and you are better off without such friends.

August 27, 2016

To be honest, I do think your understanding of friendship is a little skewed.

We were discussing going some where and he was like well we can ride in our own separate cars. To me that's STUPID we were leaving from my place to go to the SAME EXACT location. WHY would we do something like that.

So that he could stay as long as he needed to without impacting on your time. Given the outcome of the expedition, his suggestion of taking separate cars was not stupid - it was entirely sensible.

I just felt like he wasn't a good friend. He didn't go out of his way to be a good friend to me. He would ask to come over and hang out with me and draw but... That was it.

Come over, hang out and draw - yep, totally normal friendship thing to do. We do different things with different friends. I've got walking friends. I have thrift shopping friends. I have sitting at home drinking tea friends. One friend will not fill all your friendship needs.

I kindly suggest you reconsider your needs as a friend. This guy is your drawing at home friend. But don't expect him to be your buddy for all things art. Enjoy him for what he gives you and find other friends who fill different parts of your life.

August 27, 2016

He's looking for a benefactress, not a friend, and he's a jerk. You should have told him if he wasn't in the car in 10 minutes, to find another ride home.

Seriously, he's just a user.

August 28, 2016

Why exactly do you need a nude painting of yourself? Where are you planning to hang this painting? Over the fireplace in the living room? On the ceiling of your bedroom? Or is it going to be a personal gift to the artist for helping you open up? Why won't another artist do? Why does it have to be him?

Be honest with yourself about why you were bending over backwards and inconveniencing yourself to hang around someone you just met. If this were a random woman you had just befriended, you would have told her to grab a cab and gone home alone once it became clear she was not leaving when you wanted to leave. Ditto for filling your car with her crap and hauling it to an event that wasn't even starting for hours.

But no, you hung in there for hours as his unpaid assistant, something he had expressly declined up front by suggesting you take separate cars. Why exactly would he drive back to your place after the event if he had his own car? Why wouldn't he just go home? Or was this a way of ensuring he went back to yours at the end of the night.

Ditto for the "offer" to be his nude model. Please stop with the mind games and resentment because he's not sharing your interest. He decides who he's interested in. Just because you insisted on driving him somewhere when he didn't want you to, doesn't mean he owes you anything. It was your choice to force your various offers on him. He's not obligated to accept them.

Be upfront about what you want. Accept when interest isn't reciprocated and move on. It's not that he didn't know how to be friends. There's no friendship here, just an obvious, very poorly hidden, somewhat cringeworthy agenda on your part. He doesn't seem to want any part of that. On to the next.

August 28, 2016

Why exactly do you need a nude painting of yourself? Where are you planning to hang this painting? Over the fireplace in the living room? On the ceiling of your bedroom? Or is it going to be a personal gift to the artist for helping you open up? Why won't another artist do? Why does it have to be him?

Be honest with yourself about why you were bending over backwards and inconveniencing yourself to hang around someone you just met. If this were a random woman you had just befriended, you would have told her to grab a cab and gone home alone once it became clear she was not leaving when you wanted to leave. Ditto for filling your car with her crap and hauling it to an event that wasn't even starting for hours.

But no, you hung in there for hours as his unpaid assistant, something he had expressly declined up front by suggesting you take separate cars. Why exactly would he drive back to your place after the event if he had his own car? Why wouldn't he just go home? Or was this a way of ensuring he went back to yours at the end of the night.

Ditto for the "offer" to be his nude model. Please stop with the mind games and resentment because he's not sharing your interest. He decides who he's interested in. Just because you insisted on driving him somewhere when he didn't want you to, doesn't mean he owes you anything. It was your choice to force your various offers on him. He's not obligated to accept them.

Be upfront about what you want. Accept when interest isn't reciprocated and move on. It's not that he didn't know how to be friends. There's no friendship here, just an obvious, very poorly hidden, somewhat cringeworthy agenda on your part. He doesn't seem to want any part of that. On to the next.

WOAH.... I think you miss read some of my details. Or I could have typed it wrong. I honestly didn't expect things to turn out the way they did at the art show. He invited me to go with him. He suggested it would be a great way to gain experience and see what the show casing art is about.

I NEVER volunteered to be his "assistant". I never thought I'd have spent hours at the show. I had no idea the show started that late. I was EXTREMELY pissed off because I felt like I was being used.

He didn't even introduce me to his other friends that came to see his art. I had to pester him to do that!

I'm not some desperate chick needing a man. I truthfully wanted FRIENDSHIP.

After that day I NEVER did anything like that for him again. So we just resorted to hanging out and drawing. Even in that situation he still wasn't a good friend. He wanted me to come along with him to hang out with a female friend I believed he liked. We were already hanging out at that time. He CLAIMED that he wanted me to come along because he didn't want to "ditch" me.

He asked whose car we were going in and so I suggested his. It was later in the day and it was cool out. He stated that his car was in too much of a mess to ride in. He suggested we could ride in our own separate cars. I just stated we'd go in mine because it was ridiculous to go in two separate cars when we were both going to the sane destination.

That day I started to realize that maybe he'd been using me this whole time.

And another thing we ALWAYS hung out at my place. He never once invited me over to hang out at his place. He kept saying things like "its a mess there. I have a roommate...etc. "

I feel like real friends look out for each other and give and take equally.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Lolita_Sky

August 28, 2016

If this were a woman you had recently befriended, would you have tolerated such a one-sided arrangement? Be honest. Why the difference? You just met the guy! Why are you so upset that he's not meeting your expectations? People prove themselves over time. If it's proving one-sided, you move on--no harm, no foul. You had this unrealistic expectation of an insta-close relationship with him. Why is that?

Still curious what you were planning to do with that nude painting if he had agreed to do it...

August 28, 2016

If this were a woman you had recently befriended, would you have tolerated such a one-sided arrangement? Be honest. Why the difference? You just met the guy! Why are you so upset that he's not meeting your expectations? People prove themselves over time. If it's proving one-sided, you move on--no harm, no foul. You had this unrealistic expectation of an insta-close relationship with him. Why is that?

Still curious what you were planning to do with that nude painting if he had agreed to do it...

The same thing. I'm a giving person. As for the painting does it matter what I would have done with it?? He's an artist and I expressed to him I wanted to do nude modeling at some point.

I'm not even angry about it. I was hurt, buy its not something I'm angry and bitter over. Also you're kind of judgmental.

I explicitly expressed that i'm new to the whole "friendship relationship" interactions with people. It'd only been a month! I could see if I had let this gone on for MONTHS on end. But I didn't I confronted him about how I felt and he didn't want to be my friend.

Geez it takes time to realize certain things about people. It was only a month so I learned my lesson.

You haven't really given any constructive criticism. If anything your trying to shove your own perception or idea of how I feltabout him down my throat.

Please re-read your post. I'm open to critisism when it's constructive and positive.

August 28, 2016

There is quite a bit of advice in both my posts. Perhaps re-read them.

So, your whole life you've never had any friends? Grade school? High school? College? Hobbies? Work?

What's the story there?

August 28, 2016

There is quite a bit of advice in both my posts. Perhaps re-read them.

So, your whole life you've never had any friends? Grade school? High school? College? Hobbies? Work?

What's the story there?

I'm not comfortable explaining anything to you. You're some what over bearing. I mean read your last post.

I'm not trying to be rude in the slightest. I'm just expressing what you're coming off as. I'm not sure if that's you're angle but that's how I feel.

You have to establish a level of comfort with someone in order for them to want to open up with you.

I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum right now.

I already feel self conscious about expressing how I feel. Its all the more painful when your fears are realized and people reject you for doing so ...

August 28, 2016

Asking you to clarify your statement that you've never had friends is overbearing and problematic to you? You do realize that it's highly unusual to reach independent adulthood without ever having formed a single friendship. To think that your current difficulty forming friendships is somehow unrelated to your history is, at best, unrealistic. One provides insight into the other. Hence the question.

Still, if all you want are platitudes, carry on. Hiding important pieces of information may get you what you want to hear, namely that other people are awful and you're fine, but it's not going to help you gain insight or change the fundamentals of your situation. If you're actually looking to change your pattern in interpersonal interactions, and more importantly outcomes, then you need to take a hard look at how you interact with others and your expectations of them.

August 28, 2016

Asking you to clarify your statement that you've never had friends is overbearing and problematic to you? You do realize that it's highly unusual to reach independent adulthood without ever having formed a single friendship. To think that your current difficulty forming friendships is somehow unrelated to your history is, at best, unrealistic. One provides insight into the other. Hence the question.

Still, if all you want are platitudes, carry on. Hiding important pieces of information may get you what you want to hear, namely that other people are awful and you're fine, but it's not going to help you gain insight or change the fundamentals of your situation. If you're actually looking to change your pattern in interpersonal interactions, and more importantly outcomes, then you need to take a hard look at how you interact with others and your expectations of them.

Again overlooking the bigger picture and focusing on what YOUR idea of me is. I gave you an important piece of myself and you completely over looked it.

I'm very much open to self reflection and inner growth. Hence the title of my thread. I even expressed not to be so harsh in your judgment of me in my OP. Yet... You dished it out regardless.

I already expressed my reason why I won't explain to YOU and here you are judging me.

When did I ever say EVERYONE else is wrong and I'm fine?? I exicity expressed throughout post to other comments that I'm just looking for the experience.

I value what I got out of what happened I'm only looking for some constructive criticism on what I could do better next time.

I don't need anyone scrutinizing my actions which is what you did. That's not what I asked for.

August 28, 2016

When someone asks if she has a warped understanding of friendship, the fact that she's never actually had a friendship...ever...in childhood or adulthood...and why that's the case are major parts of the big picture.

August 28, 2016

When someone asks if she has a warped understanding of friendship, the fact that she's never actually had a friendship...ever...in childhood or adulthood...and why that's the case are major parts of the big picture.

Then why judge me so harshly? If there are things I don't know or understand why cast judgement?

I just wanted a friend that's all.

August 28, 2016

:confused:

Here is the dictionary definition:

Judgement
The ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.

Were you not asking for constructive criticism and feedback? How is asking for the back story behind you not having had friends irrelevant to your question about your understanding of friendship?

At any rate, I'm done here since advice and feedback is not what you actually seek.

Edited August 28, 2016 by angel.eyes

August 28, 2016

Thanks everyone for all the feedback. I'm definitely taking this as a life lesson. I've come a long way from the person that I use to be. Of which none of you may not know about however knowing that I have grown as a person makes ME happy. Because it means I become increasingly more aware of my flaws and aspire to be a better person every day.

I come to learn its better to just enjoy the ride of this journey we call life. There may be a few pot holes, blown tires and a few other stops in between however regardless of that just so long as you know where you're going the pace at which you go doesn't matter.

Learn, grow, evolve, transcend.

Take care!

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