kissed Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 How do you politely tell a guy you do not want to discuss your relationship history? This is primarily because I do not have one, and this is not a discussion I want to have with some guy I'm on a first, second or even third date with. I honestly do not believe your past is anyone's business but your own, but I have recently started internet dating and I get this asked a lot. I do not want to lie, and I do not want to tell them the truth because a) any guy in their mid to late 30s (age group I'm focusing on) would think that no relationship history is just weird, and b) I don't want to go into an explanation which would take the whole date and is private for the time being. I also do really believe in this as a matter of principal. I should not have to feel obligated to tell someone something I do not want to talk about. So how do I do it? I don't want to come across as some a**hole who just slaps down guys. Is there a polite way to not take about it? And do other people have the same thing on a principal basis? 1
carhill Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 I ran into this issue because I had dated for many years as a virgin so didn't technically have full and complete 'relationships' so I talked about my dating experiences and then asked the Dear Abby question of 'why do you want to know?' and then proceeded from there. Looking back, it wasn't that big a deal and it was more apprehension on my own part about somehow being defective because of my choice to remain a virgin until in a LTR or M that was in play, not any questions from ladies about relationship history. I've never traditionally questioned women about their dating past but would have had no issue with the 'I don't kiss and tell' response. For some reason women seemed to just gush it out, including the one I married. I must look like a therapist or something. Guys aren't the enemy. If a guy asks you out, he likes you. The process is finding out for what and why and seeing if minds meet. Sometimes questions come up. It works out. 2
devilish innocent Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 "I haven't been with anyone in a while. If we keep seeing each other, I'll tell you the story some day, but I'd rather not get into it right now." Then change the subject. 8
Lobe Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 "How about we talk about YOUR past relationships instead?" 2
smackie9 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 Sorry but it's just part of dating....they are just getting to know you. I doubt they are asking for specific details. You can be vague and then switch to you asking them questions about other things. 4
Satu Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 I'm really strict about this. I don't 'do' the past. I don't ask, and I don't tell. I just make that clear and its never been a problem. Never once. Lots of "I" in this post. Lol. But hey, I love myself
JustGettingBy Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 "Okay" then pause and say "Do you want me to say it again?":laugh: In all seriousness, it may be best to spin it as saying you've been busy recently, and anything from too long ago isn't relevant any more 2
kendahke Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 How do you politely tell a guy you do not want to discuss your relationship history? This is primarily because I do not have one, and this is not a discussion I want to have with some guy I'm on a first, second or even third date with. I honestly do not believe your past is anyone's business but your own, but I have recently started internet dating and I get this asked a lot. I do not want to lie, and I do not want to tell them the truth because a) any guy in their mid to late 30s (age group I'm focusing on) would think that no relationship history is just weird, and b) I don't want to go into an explanation which would take the whole date and is private for the time being. I also do really believe in this as a matter of principal. I should not have to feel obligated to tell someone something I do not want to talk about. So how do I do it? I don't want to come across as some a**hole who just slaps down guys. Is there a polite way to not take about it? And do other people have the same thing on a principal basis? If this hasn't even gotten to a first date (not a first meeting, but a first date) and they're asking you questions like this, I think it's a good indication that they may not be a good fit and to just cut the contact. I'd be upfront and tell them that is information that I'd only share with someone I was going to be exclusive with, not someone I'm chatting with on a dating app. Then I'd block them and move on... because chances are, going by past postings of guys around here, they're going to think you're screwing your way up and down the northeast corridor because "If you have nothing to hide, you'd answer the question". No--I don't know you and that isn't any of your business and I don't owe any stranger an answer to an extremely personal question. We're not having sex that night, so you don't need to know.
Gaeta Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 If this hasn't even gotten to a first date (not a first meeting, but a first date) and they're asking you questions like this, I think it's a good indication that they may not be a good fit and to just cut the contact. I'd be upfront and tell them that is information that I'd only share with someone I was going to be exclusive with, not someone I'm chatting with on a dating app. Then I'd block them and move on... because chances are, going by past postings of guys around here, they're going to think you're screwing your way up and down the northeast corridor because "If you have nothing to hide, you'd answer the question". No--I don't know you and that isn't any of your business and I don't owe any stranger an answer to an extremely personal question. We're not having sex that night, so you don't need to know. When I was online dating I made a point of always asking right away, before a first meeting, when their last relationship ended. I felt it was my business to know yes, this was to avoid dating someone barely out of a divorce or relationship. I see no problem telling a prospect a general information. I used to say I had been divorced for years, had a couple of boyfriends here and there but nothing serious enough to mention. That answer was enough to them. Answering vaguely is much better than politely telling them it's none of their business. 1
MissBee Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 How do you politely tell a guy you do not want to discuss your relationship history? This is primarily because I do not have one, and this is not a discussion I want to have with some guy I'm on a first, second or even third date with. I honestly do not believe your past is anyone's business but your own, but I have recently started internet dating and I get this asked a lot. I do not want to lie, and I do not want to tell them the truth because a) any guy in their mid to late 30s (age group I'm focusing on) would think that no relationship history is just weird, and b) I don't want to go into an explanation which would take the whole date and is private for the time being. I also do really believe in this as a matter of principal. I should not have to feel obligated to tell someone something I do not want to talk about. So how do I do it? I don't want to come across as some a**hole who just slaps down guys. Is there a polite way to not take about it? And do other people have the same thing on a principal basis? I wouldn't date someone who refused to share their past. It is their right not to, but it's also nonsense that your past doesn't matter. It's all part of who you are and you weren't born the minute they met you, so it's extremely strange to act like you can have a relationship where nothing from before comes up or matters. If you are ashamed of not having a relationship, that's your own issue with which to deal, but understand that most reasonable people will bring up their past and also expect you to bring up yours....it's not a test or something weird...just a normal part of life...even with friends, our friendship isn't just about what happened today but it's normal that I share stuff from childhood, talk about exes, other experiences that happened prior to us meeting....this is how you get to know people. All that to say, this is a fairly casual and normal question and you will find it difficult to avoid this from most normal men. In fact, I would be worried if a man seemed completely disinterested in anything about my past...but you may like it if you wish to avoid that...but I am not sure how you can find someone like that. There isn't anyway IMO to say this without it seeming strange, but you can simply say you'll discuss it later on and make light of it. Like I said though, for me it would be a red flag if a man seemed to avoid discussing his past or had to announce he wouldn't talk about it....and I imagine for some men it also is the same, so be prepared for many men to see this as a no-go. 3
Dirt Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 I ask about the past, but not on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date. You learn from the past. You are dating men that are mid to late 30's. How old are you? At a certain age not having any relationship past is a red flag and shows issues and is weird unless you were training to become a neurosurgeon and just didn't have the time.
BaileyB Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 I do believe that to a certain extent, the past is nobody's business but your own. On the first several dates, I don't ask and don't tell. Mostly because I don't have much history to share and I'm self conscious about that too. But, there comes a point when you are starting to get serious with someone that I do feel that you should be honest and share a little more. How much you chose to share is your decision. A vague, I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships may just suffice. When the trust is built, I will say that with the right guy - it will not matter. And, not a lot of experience with relationships may be a red flag, or it may not. Dating these days is hard... Not everyone is lucky enough to find someone they want to date seriously and sometimes people can have long periods of time between serious relationships. It doesn't mean that the person is not a good person to date/won't be a great relationship partner... It's only one thing to consider when meeting/dating someone. Good luck to you! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 It will probably come across that you're hiding something, OP. I'm not saying you're right or wrong, but it would be odd to me if a person refused to discuss their past at all. You don't need to give someone your life story, but making the past an absolute no-go area will likely look suspicious. And I do believe the past is somewhat relevant, as it helped us shape who we are today. You can simply say that you've dated, but you haven't had much time for long-term relationships until this point in your life. I have a friend in her early 30s who's in the same boat as you, and that's what she's told a couple men recently. Neither seemed to take issue with that, and she's doing well. 1
preraph Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Honestly, I just wouldn't keep seeing a guy who was focused on my sexual history at all. I just think it's a red flag of inadequacy and/or double standard. Say "You don't know me well enough to be asking me that" and then dump him. Guys are terrified they'll get ahold of a woman with experience and think they're crap in bed or think they're small or whatever. Then the other kind think it's okay for a man to seek casual sex but not a woman. Then the kind who have no experience have no business asking such personal questions to begin with.
SevenCity Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Honestly, I just wouldn't keep seeing a guy who was focused on my sexual history at all. I just think it's a red flag of inadequacy and/or double standard. Say "You don't know me well enough to be asking me that" and then dump him. Guys are terrified they'll get ahold of a woman with experience and think they're crap in bed or think they're small or whatever. Then the other kind think it's okay for a man to seek casual sex but not a woman. Then the kind who have no experience have no business asking such personal questions to begin with. World is full of double standads - that's life. How about equal pay for women yet men are always expected to pay for the first date? I don't think every guy who asks about the past is insecure or worried about his penis size or sexual adequacy. I don't think I would ever ask on a first date but I would want to know eventually. How can I expect to fully trust a woman if she is hiding parts of her past? The past says something about who we are and how we got there. That's like telling a partner you are not going to share anything about the relationship with a family member who died. People who won't tell have something to hide they are embarrassed about. If they weren't, they would have no issue sharing at the appropriate time.
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Are we talking about sexual history or just relationship history. I could understand you not wanting to get into the details of sexual history, but getting to know someone's dating past is part of normal conversation. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Job interviews are still largely behavioral meaning that they operate under the assumption that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. There was a large study done that confirms it. If a guy said "past is the past", I would move on. 2
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Job interviews are still largely behavioral meaning that they operate under the assumption that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. There was a large study done that confirms it. If a guy said "past is the past", I would move on. Really? You'd just so quickly dismiss him just like that? The problem is, you're are TREATING it like a job interview. You cannot use job interviews as a comparison either as dating is NOT suppose to feel like a "job interview" .as each blossoming relationship is like a snowflake, a lot of variables, too. Something that you'd have to take on a case-by-case basis.
BaileyB Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 You can simply say that you've dated, but you haven't had much time for long-term relationships until this point in your life. I have a friend in her early 30s who's in the same boat as you, and that's what she's told a couple men recently. Neither seemed to take issue with that, and she's doing well. This, totally. If you like him, and he likes you, it won't be an issue. But, you will at some point probably have to say something... Otherwise, it does look like you have something to hide.
mortensorchid Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Depends on the situation. If you have just met the person and you are on your 1st-3rd date phase, it's not acceptable. If he asks you a question (no matter what your past may or may not be), just say "Well, I don't really want to talk about that right now, thanks." If her persists in your specific situation, tell him "I don't really have one, honestly." You don't have to blurt out "I'm a virgin." That might make him a bit uncomfortable. I've encountered a few like that in the past. One was like a therapist, he had (I later learned) a set amount of questions that he asked all women he dated and one of them was "Why did your last serious relationship end?" I answered it as appropriate at the time, which was "We were in an LDR, we were two completely different people and we grew apart." Details are/were really not his business but he did not like that answer. I really did not want to discuss it, the fact that he showed his true colors to me as a miserable, abusive, angry man who did not like people in general and was frustrated that he thought he was better than everyone else, or that he treated me very badly with emotional, verbal and later (unfortunately) physical abuse. That's really not the other person's business. And if he makes it or tries to make it his, you have to question whether you want this person to be your friend / lover to begin with.
mortensorchid Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Are we talking about sexual history or just relationship history. I could understand you not wanting to get into the details of sexual history, but getting to know someone's dating past is part of normal conversation. I also encountered one like that. He tried to ask me all about my sexual history during our first phone call. After his first sex related question, I said "I'd rather not talk about that, thank you." After his second, I said in my cop voice "I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT THAT, THANK YOU." When he got to his third, I said "Thank you for calling" and hung up on him. Granted, that may be an extreme example, but guys like that exist who have no class or tact. If that's the case, I go by that baseline. Of course if it's face to face, that's another matter. If it's face to face and you are just meeting (which in this case it sounds like), I would get up and walk away.
preraph Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 World is full of double standads - that's life. How about equal pay for women yet men are always expected to pay for the first date? I don't think every guy who asks about the past is insecure or worried about his penis size or sexual adequacy. I don't think I would ever ask on a first date but I would want to know eventually. How can I expect to fully trust a woman if she is hiding parts of her past? The past says something about who we are and how we got there. That's like telling a partner you are not going to share anything about the relationship with a family member who died. People who won't tell have something to hide they are embarrassed about. If they weren't, they would have no issue sharing at the appropriate time. Well, that's where you're making false assumptions. None of my friends are at all remorseful about their past sexual experiences, and they don't think it's anyone's business but their own because they don't feel at all bad about them. But if a guy is wanting to know that, it's because of some inadequacy in him, which you said yourself "How can I trust?" Well, being popular and having an active dating life doesn't make you a cheater! That's your insecurity making those assumptions. Some people just have a good life.
MissBee Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Really? You'd just so quickly dismiss him just like that? The problem is, you're are TREATING it like a job interview. You cannot use job interviews as a comparison either as dating is NOT suppose to feel like a "job interview" .as each blossoming relationship is like a snowflake, a lot of variables, too. Something that you'd have to take on a case-by-case basis. I don't think the point is that it's like a job interview, I think the point is that if someone says "past is the past" this will come with a whole host of beliefs and behaviors that will not jive with yours, so once they say that, check please. It's like any other statement really that reveals some fundamental value or belief a person has that is incompatible with your own and needs no other follow-up. This isn't really the same as treating it as a job interview, even though ES started off talking about job interviews. I think her point was to say that both in jobs and in actual life, the past matters, so anyone who says otherwise isn't someone she would date.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I ask about the past, but not on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date. You learn from the past. Don't make OP feel more ashamed than she clearly already does. Some people don't judge you for this OP and some men out there won't hold it against you either. Don't listen to this... You are dating men that are mid to late 30's. How old are you? At a certain age not having any relationship past is a red flag and shows issues and is weird unless you were training to become a neurosurgeon and just didn't have the time. There isn't anything wrong with you. I use to feel so super ashamed of being single for as long as I did so I completely understand why you don't want to bring it up on the 1st, 2nd and third date. If you are getting to know them, and not their past then you can make a point of that. Say " I'm not interested of talking about the past as that's what it is... the past, I am interested in getting to know who you are, however. I think I'll save the " relationship history" questions once we've been on many more dates with each other. But not now, it's too early and it's not why I am dating you. It's to get to know you."
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I think some men prefer dating woman with a low sexual/ dating history or even virgins. I know one guy I dated LOVED the fact that I had only one boyfriend before him. It made him like me even more. He was a traditional type of gentleman. Mind you, to be fair, he ended up being very controlling and dominating and possessive. He had a lack of social and emotional awareness as well as just complaining about how awful and slutty his ex wife was. If anyone poured out their emotional sexual and relationship history which made me feel very uncomfortable it would be him. Which explains why he preferred woman with a low sexual and dating history or even virgin woman. I believe he was a special case. He had issues that were outside my expertise and experience and I'm glad my intuition kicked in to warn me against this guy. But a lot of guys won't judge you for it OP. When you do mention it, when you feel comfortable mentioning it. Please don't fudge it or lie, be honest and if they don't like it, you may have a dodged a bullet.
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