When they aren't cheating - the falsely accused spouse

[Veggieplatter]

What kind of response is acceptable from an innocent spouse when he or she is falsely accused of having an affair?

 

Now, I know the best practice is to gather evidence beyond any doubt to confirm a suspicion of cheating before talking to the alleged cheater.

 

But, without that hard, tangible proof put in front of them - is there any answer you guys would accept from your spouse, whom you suspect of cheating, to show that they're truly innocent?

 

For instance, if the spouse was 100% transparent and opened up to you, and asked what he/she could do to reassure you or make things better - would that be enough? If not, what would it take in your situation?

[Lobe]

I was falsely accused for years by a jealous, physically abusive partner. There was nothing he suggested I could do nor anything I offered that would have convinced him otherwise because the problem was with him, not me.

 

Have you been falsely accused, veggieplatter?

[Veggieplatter]

I haven't.

 

I've frequented this site lately and I've read great advice. Many of the posts I've read either 1) ask "is he/she cheating", 2) the OP has hard evidence of a true affair, or 3) the OP decides to watch and wait, and enters a sort of sleuthing period. They sometimes find incriminating evidence, sometimes not.

 

So I guess, where my question comes from is, what if that evidentiary support of cheating is never found? What would it take to stop oneself from remaining suspicious? What *should* an innocent partner say?

[Lobe]

I haven't.

 

I've frequented this site lately and I've read great advice. Many of the posts I've read either 1) ask "is he/she cheating", 2) the OP has hard evidence of a true affair, or 3) the OP decides to watch and wait, and enters a sort of sleuthing period. They sometimes find incriminating evidence, sometimes not.

 

So I guess, where my question comes from is, what if that evidentiary support of cheating is never found? What would it take to stop oneself from remaining suspicious? What *should* an innocent partner say?

 

I've not ever had that experience so I'll duck out here. Kind of curious, too, because with the exception of weird jealous people with trust issues that existed before they entered that relationship, chances are good most suspicions are confirmed lol

[central]

Someone who isn't cheating can't prove they're not - you cannot prove a negative, after all. They can be transparent, if they aren't so insulted that they dump you. The suspicious person has to find clear proof - and be sure that it IS proof, and not something they are misinterpreting.

 

If someone falsely accused me, I'd tell them to prove it or get out of my life.

[Weezy1973]

I'd ask them what it is that I'm doing that's making my partner suspicious or jealous. Certain things might be a trigger for previous relationship traumas and hopefully that's something we could discuss and come to a resolution on. If the can't identify anything, then I'd suggest they go for counseling to see if they can figure out where their trust issues originated and how to cope effectively moving forward...

 

If neither of those work, it's probably time to end the relationship.

[DKT3]

A lot of times the accuser not reasonable so no explanation will be enough

[MissBee]

What kind of response is acceptable from an innocent spouse when he or she is falsely accused of having an affair?

 

Now, I know the best practice is to gather evidence beyond any doubt to confirm a suspicion of cheating before talking to the alleged cheater.

 

But, without that hard, tangible proof put in front of them - is there any answer you guys would accept from your spouse, whom you suspect of cheating, to show that they're truly innocent?

 

For instance, if the spouse was 100% transparent and opened up to you, and asked what he/she could do to reassure you or make things better - would that be enough? If not, what would it take in your situation?

 

I cannot see myself just up and accusing them of cheating without evidence.

 

If I feel they're cheating, that's already a problem, regardless of if they are or aren't. Clearly something has happened to erode the trust and communication for me to feel so disconnected and like you're cheating, so if you really aren't, then something needs to be done to get us back on one page where I have the normal levels of trust. I would voice a feeling of disconnectedness and not necessarily accuse them of cheating...or I would flat out ask if they are and see their response.

 

If nothing improves I'd then begin to look more carefully and closely for evidence.

Edited August 27, 2016 by MissBee

[Gloria25]

Hire a PI (private investigator).

 

Otherwise let it go or let them go.

[dichotomy]

I am a strong believer in gut feelings when it comes to someone you have been with for a while.

 

I am also a strong believer in not confronting till you have as much evidence as you can get. I learned this the hard way. There is always a way to get more evidence unless the affair occurred a while ago and is over or mostly over at the time. I also learned that the hard way - hard to dig up old evidence - it needs to be fresh and active cheating to confirm.

 

Too many stories of cheating partners not confessing even WHEN confronted with decent evidence. Also of going underground deeper - or even off line for months with their cheater until the coast is clear.