shenry35 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 My ex and I broke up 4 weeks ago and we didn't contact each other until last Saturday when he sent me a message to see how things were. We were texting for a while then we chatted on the phone. He told me how much he'd missed talking to me and being with me. He then called down to my house where we chatted for a good hour or so. Then we had sex. I know I shouldn't have until the issues between us had been completely ironed out. Now I feel stupid. The next morning he said we really need to figure out the "state of play" between us. He said he did want more and that things have to and will change between us. Basically we had broke up because our relationship had essentially devolved into FWB's, my family thought I deserved better and decided to message him (my mum and cousin.) He had agreed at the time that I was better off without him etc and I didn't hear from him until last week. He said he didn't care what my family think. He has feelings for me and really cares about me. Unfortunately now I am no further forward as to where I stand. I have been texting him through the week and have had *some* replies. He rang me on Sunday night because he said he felt bad for not contacting me much through the week due to being busy. I know he works a lot and I respect that but I really need to know if we can make this work! What do I do now?
Shanex Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 You should cut him loose. Usually, the guy knocking back on your door a month after a break up couldn't get laid as easily as he thought and come back playing nice guy to get laid some more, this time with you. I dont know about your family and they may be right, but I'm only seeing a FWB from this. Him trying to dupe you subtedly (or not) into sleeping with you seem clear. Dont tell your family, Imo. They will tell you it was a moment of weakness on your part and you deserve better. 1
Author shenry35 Posted August 26, 2016 Author Posted August 26, 2016 You should cut him loose. Usually, the guy knocking back on your door a month after a break up couldn't get laid as easily as he thought and come back playing nice guy to get laid some more, this time with you. I dont know about your family and they may be right, but I'm only seeing a FWB from this. Him trying to dupe you subtedly (or not) into sleeping with you seem clear. Dont tell your family, Imo. They will tell you it was a moment of weakness on your part and you deserve better. You know I wouldn't mind a FWB situation if I knew that's what I was. I want to ask him about it but I'm not even sure how to begin!
Shanex Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 You know I wouldn't mind a FWB situation if I knew that's what I was. I want to ask him about it but I'm not even sure how to begin! Then why did you feel stupid afterwards? If you only want or accept a FWB, its none of your family business.
Author shenry35 Posted August 26, 2016 Author Posted August 26, 2016 Then why did you feel stupid afterwards? If you only want or accept a FWB, its none of your family business. I haven't told them that we got back into contact or anything or that we slept together again! I kinda feel stupid because I should have made things clear between me and him before we slept together and now I'm stuck in limbo.
oldshirt Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 You know I wouldn't mind a FWB situation if I knew that's what I was. I want to ask him about it but I'm not even sure how to begin! If you aren't bug enough to discuss this kinda stuff with him then you aren't big enough to be having sex. You need to grow up and take charge of your life, you body, your feelings and your better interests. I have read your other thread and you are being very immature and irresponsible. This guy may have cute eyes and he may make your Jay-Jay tingle, but you are handling this very irresponsibly. You need to stand up for what you want and not settle for breadcrumbs and allow others to take advantage of you. Boys are not afraid of relationships, they would just rather screw lots of chicks for fun and not have to deal with any of the other stuff. People only treat you badly when you allow them to. He just wants to come around and score some tail when he is horny. The reason your family is treating you like a child and interfering in your life is because you are acting like one. 2
Author shenry35 Posted August 26, 2016 Author Posted August 26, 2016 If you aren't bug enough to discuss this kinda stuff with him then you aren't big enough to be having sex. You need to grow up and take charge of your life, you body, your feelings and your better interests. I have read your other thread and you are being very immature and irresponsible. This guy may have cute eyes and he may make your Jay-Jay tingle, but you are handling this very irresponsibly. You need to stand up for what you want and not settle for breadcrumbs and allow others to take advantage of you. Boys are not afraid of relationships, they would just rather screw lots of chicks for fun and not have to deal with any of the other stuff. People only treat you badly when you allow them to. He just wants to come around and score some tail when he is horny. The reason your family is treating you like a child and interfering in your life is because you are acting like one. I know that a lot of what you're saying is actually true and I have every intention of sorting it out. We went no contact for 3 weeks and then he decided to send me a message and I'm right back to square one I'm going to discuss it with him and get answers one way or another because I cannot continue to feel like this at all! We did talk when he came down and agreed that we need to figure out exactly what it going on between us and as yet no decision has been made so I'm going to text him and tell him that I want to sit down and sort this once and for all. I'm not going to be a doormat anymore. If he can't change like he told me he would when he came down then there really is no point. As much as I care for him and think a lot of him, it has to work two ways. Someone pointed out to me that he clearly couldn't find anyone else to have sex with so he's keeping me there just incase. I don't want to be that girl.
Shanex Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 Pointing out that he couldn't find someone else to have sex? Yes I wrote that above unless you are talking about someone in your circle of friends... But you could have figured out that yourself with little to no efforts. Frankly.
Author shenry35 Posted August 26, 2016 Author Posted August 26, 2016 Pointing out that he couldn't find someone else to have sex? Yes I wrote that above unless you are talking about someone in your circle of friends... But you could have figured out that yourself with little to no efforts. Frankly. Oh yes it was you! I did kinda figure that out myself but I feel like a complete idiot for sleeping with him before sorting things out! Actually pretty angry at myself to be honest. So like I said above, I'm just going to stand my ground and ask him outright what exactly is going on between us, tell him what I want and move on from there.
oldshirt Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 There's nothing to "figure out" here. He wants to come by once a month or so to get his tank drained. Your choice is to either be his drainer or not. If you want a legitimate full-service relationship, you can run it by him but his choice is whether to do that or not. Either you two want the same thing or you don't. Your challenge here is to determine if he is BSing you and stringing you along (which he has been so far) The easy way to tell is by watching actions and not listening to words. People can say anything but they are what they do. Your actions are your reality. Your words mean nothing if your actions are doing something else. If someone's words and actions don't jive, it's the actions that count. 1
Shanex Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 There's nothing to "figure out" here. Yes there is. Basically that he couldn't get laid for a month and that's the only reason he got in touch again with OP... Being 'quoted' is obnoxious enough nevermind being double quoted, hence had to adress that point. He wants to come by once a month or so to get his tank drained.. Which Ive been saying since the beginning, in shorter terms. The rest of your post only say the same things over and over with different words. If that's fine to the OP. Then good for her. No need to be an internet psychologist. Otoh, Im not certain if the OP really knows what she wants at the moment. 1
Author shenry35 Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 Yes there is. Basically that he couldn't get laid for a month and that's the only reason he got in touch again with OP... Being 'quoted' is obnoxious enough nevermind being double quoted, hence had to adress that point. Which Ive been saying since the beginning, in shorter terms. The rest of your post only say the same things over and over with different words. If that's fine to the OP. Then good for her. No need to be an internet psychologist. Otoh, Im not certain if the OP really knows what she wants at the moment. The last part of your post is pretty much spot on to be honest! I'm going to sort this out once and for all this weekend. He says he cares about me but is gotta start showing otherwise I honestly can't put up with the constant wondering all the time! I had my doubts when he got in touch but I just let my stupid feelings take over instead of standing my ground. I really will learn.
elaine567 Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 The huge clue here as to how he views you is the fact that after he got the sex he wanted, he didn't bother to follow it up by contacting you like a bf who wanted to get back together and had feelings for you, would have done. He is not busy, no-one is that busy they can 't send a text, he just didn't see the need to contact you. Now, he is horny again, hence the call. I do not believe you are going to be truly happy with a fwb arrangement, but that I think is all he is offering, no matter what he says. Look at his actions not his words.
Author shenry35 Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 The huge clue here as to how he views you is the fact that after he got the sex he wanted, he didn't bother to follow it up by contacting you like a bf who wanted to get back together and had feelings for you, would have done. He is not busy, no-one is that busy they can 't send a text, he just didn't see the need to contact you. Now, he is horny again, hence the call. I do not believe you are going to be truly happy with a fwb arrangement, but that I think is all he is offering, no matter what he says. Look at his actions not his words. I did wonder after he left the next day of that's all he had come down for. He kept saying "when I rang you to see how things were between us, I wasn't looking for sex you do know that?" That in itself made me wonder. You're absolutely right that nobody is that busy. I still manage to text everybody back, even if it's a little late. It's not that hard. Actions do speak louder than words. I just feel stupid for falling for his lines all over again.
lbjanieb Posted August 28, 2016 Posted August 28, 2016 What is it you don't know exactly? Don't know if you want him or if you don't? Don't know what kind of relationship you really want? Those are things you need to sort out first. Maybe get some counseling for yourself - that could help you with family boundaries, too. I'm sure they love you and want what's best but you should aim for an adult relationship where they're not having to meddle on your behalf. I don't know how old you are but hopefully it is your aim to find someone who will treat you well and be a good partner in the longterm. If you are fine with someone spending that little time and attention with/on you that that is your prerogative. Just figure out what you want and don't settle for less because you will regret it, I promise. If you take a break to figure things out and he can live without you, you have your answer. Wait for someone to be fully committed.
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