3.5 years wasted :(

[Poppy47]

Yes, I get this Rikki. The drug analogy is a good one. Me and my xOW were each other's drug too - we openly said it during the A. When you go into NC the withdrawal is horrible.... For a long time.

 

But look at a heroin addict who had been clean for a year. They will appear much healthier and their withdrawal symptoms will have reduced to a fraction of what they were a day after they kicked their habit. But - they will always be an addict, will always crave that drug to a certain extent and will always have to be vigilant. This is how I feel a year into recovery - the pain, the pinning and the longing are largely gone...... But they do occasionally pick at me, and I know that I have to be vigilant all my life.

 

Good luck (((Rikki))) keep the posts up

 

It has been said that the most deadly drug is another human being.

 

We have all learned that truth.

 

Poppy.

[elaine567]

The most concerning thing here is the fact the roof over your head is dependent on your ex MM who is living next door.

 

I guess his wife will not be too pleased at having the OW next door if they ever do get properly back together, so all this "I can't afford to move" will be moot if they decide to serve you an eviction notice.

I think for two people reconciling, the fact they own two separate but very close properties will be seen as a great solution for them. They retain their autonomy but can reconnect easily.

 

The writing is on the wall here for you, so you need to move out and get your own place.

You are in a very weak position.

I think you have to acknowledge his part in rekindling his marriage and you will have to understand that you could easily be seen as the spoke in the wheel, so you are very dispensable.

You will not be the first OW thrown under a bus, when the wife makes her presence felt.

Stop the pining and the moping, and get into survival mode, for your own sake.

[imperfectangel]

I know this sounds terrible but is there no way he can help you get set up elsewhere? Help you wit a deposit etc? Let's be honest if OP doesn't have the money she doesn't have it and as a single mother myself sometimes it really is that simple.

[loveisanaction]

I know this sounds terrible but is there no way he can help you get set up elsewhere? Help you wit a deposit etc? Let's be honest if OP doesn't have the money she doesn't have it and as a single mother myself sometimes it really is that simple.

 

One of the instances i've read time and time again is that the other woman does not understand what it means to be in an affair. She begins to expect way too much from her married man and leans on for situations that he may not be comfortable with. When they're in an affair most married men just want to have fun, they are not interested in the day-to-day grind of their other woman's life, they don't want to comfort her when she has a sick relative, they don't want to be bothered in hearing her story when she's had a bad day at work, and they will not prepare chicken soup for her when she has the flu; they do all of that with their wives. The affair is supposed to stress-free, he's with the other woman to get away from all of that marriage-like stuff not get into it. This is why if the dynamics of the affair changes from lighthearted fun with crazy amazing sex to a more serious wife-type role, most married men will bolt.

 

If the OP's married man is a good man he might help her with the expenses so that the she is able to move. However, he is not under any obligation to do so, she is not his ex-wife, nor does she have any children for him, and she is not family. Also, if his wife demands that that her husband does something to get the OP out of the house, if he wants to keep his marriage intact he will have no choice but to listen to her. Elaine was was very correct when she said that the OP is in a very weak position.

[Rikki67]

I know I am in a weak position here. I am working on getting money together to be able to move. This is not a fun place to be in. The houses are in his name only, and I have a written lease. So evicting me won't be that easy. Asking him for money for a deposit? Not sure I would want to go the that route. He is angry with me. And I am done kissing his A**.

My Son saw them both yesterday and he said, they both looked miserable together. Which of course made me feel a little better. Serves him right!

[Rikki67]

Loveisanaction -

He is a good man. And we did live a day to day grind for 3 yes. He was always there when I needed him. Listening, consoling and making Chicken Soup. His wife was not physically there. Until now. So yes, I had expectations, because it didn't feel like just an Affair. We basically lived together on a daily basis. I don't believe he wanted to bolt because of it. I broke it off with him. He thought I would be his Companion Monday thru Thursday and his wife here on weekends.

[loveisanaction]

Loveisanaction -

He is a good man. And we did live a day to day grind for 3 yes. He was always there when I needed him. Listening, consoling and making Chicken Soup. His wife was not physically there. Until now. So yes, I had expectations, because it didn't feel like just an Affair. We basically lived together on a daily basis. I don't believe he wanted to bolt because of it. I broke it off with him. He thought I would be his Companion Monday thru Thursday and his wife here on weekends.

 

It didn't feel like an affair but it was.

 

I'm sorry but that is the truth.

[Rikki67]

Yes it was!

I want to talk to him about moving, and him possibly helping me out with that financially. He may or may not agree. But, that would mean I'd have to break NC. It's been only 5 days, and I am hurting like crazy.

[Rikki67]

Should I wait til he kicks me out?

[GollumsNightmare]

Yes it was!

I want to talk to him about moving, and him possibly helping me out with that financially. He may or may not agree. But, that would mean I'd have to break NC. It's been only 5 days, and I am hurting like crazy.

 

Gently, that seems to be an excuse for more contact with him. You would get more sense of satisfaction and courage if you make a plan to move forward on your own. (New beginnings with MM in your rear view mirror...) You are a strong woman, you can do this.

[imperfectangel]

Should I wait til he kicks me out?

 

If you could afford to move yourself then it's up to you when you go. I know he is not obligated to help but if he thinks you'll cause more trouble staying he may help you just to help himself and his "real" life.

 

I am not a fan of relying on men for money but like I said if there is no other way then there is no other way.

[Rikki67]

Gollum, I am trying to be as strong as possible. And yes, I would much rather do this on my own. But, it won't be happening anytime soon. I will need time to get money together for a move. I do have a plan. Just not a quick one.

[goodyblue]

Gently, that seems to be an excuse for more contact with him. You would get more sense of satisfaction and courage if you make a plan to move forward on your own. (New beginnings with MM in your rear view mirror...) You are a strong woman, you can do this.

 

Look, you don't have to do ANYTHING right this second. I know you are hurting, and that is awful, but don't destabilize your life out of upset! Give it a little time, make a plan so that you are not just flying by the seat of your pants. He has made this decision not you, you have every right to be where you are. Shut the blinds on the side of the house that faces his and ignore him. When you have a concrete plan, some money saved etc, THEN you ask him to help you. But don't just upset your Apple cart because he is being a coward.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. It is just a terrible feeling to lose someone we love. Hang in there. Xx

[loveisanaction]

Should I wait til he kicks me out?

 

Absolutely not! Do you have family, friends? They would come in handy right about now. Start making preparations to move out. If you can pick up extra hours at work do so, if you have to get a second job, do that. Stat looking for places to live that are cheap, safe and have immediate availability. If he is a good man like you say he is he will give you time to save up and find some place else to live.

 

Do not act like he is your ex-lover. Start acting like he is your landlord who is giving you time so that you can find another place to live.

[Rikki67]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I do have every right to be here. He put me here.

It is absolutely driving me insane though having to live like this.

[imsosad]

I dont persume to know anything about your financial situation, but supposed you had never met him, im guessing you would be living somewhere?

Living in his house keeps you under his control. This is no ordinary landlord-tennant relationship.

I want to point out a couple of things, you may not like what i have to say but i sense you are open to listen to all sorts.

I get the feeling you kind of forgot he is married. You wrote you saw her "parked in his driveway". They are not dating. She is not your competition. She was parked in *their* driveway. The sooner you accept that, the better you will be able to cope.

She is not forcing him to reconsile. I always find it so pathetic and enraging that men,who do exactly as they please, are suddenly coerced,pushed and forced in to reconciliation. Listen, they are typically too selfish to do anything that doesnt suit them.

During our A my AP tried to tell me how he "found himself married" despite his will. Right. Six ft five, 200 lb, ex military, coroprate manager and he was married under duress?

Come on. You just have to laugh.

So, accept your MM.is interested in reconciliation. If he werent, all he had to do was file and move in with you! Unlike many people, he actually has another home to fall back on.

No,sorry. He was happy to have you as a surrogate wife while they were living apart. I know you said he was there for you, but let me guess you did alot of listening, supporting, doting and so on. Now that she has reappeared he made his priorities crystal clear.

About your son seeing them 'looking miserable'. I get it. I can see how it makes you feel better for a minute. On a deeper level,though, wouldnt you like to be in an emotional state in which a troubled marriage is not a perk for you? Look how low the affair is getting you. I know you are better than this. I really hope you move past this and not hang around for her to go away. He had his moment to choose and he did.

Edited August 28, 2016 by imsosad

[Rikki67]

You are right, this is not your typical Landlord-Tennant relationship. I don't have Family. Looking back you are right, he always had his to fall back on. And I know he is getting back with her because of said family. Does it make me feel better to see them miserable, yes it does. Should I be better than that, probably. But, right now I am not. All I want to do is scream at him and let him know exactly how I feel. I want him to feel as shifty as I do! I am angry, and feel helpless, and almost hopeless right now. I have to give it to him though, he has no shame. They just left to go to church. The church him and I have been attending for the past 3 years. Would love to see how he explains that.

I wished I could just make it all go away. The pain and anger. I feel like he should know how I feel. I bet he has not told her about the A.

[imsosad]

You are right, this is not your typical Landlord-Tennant relationship. I don't have Family. Looking back you are right, he always had his to fall back on. And I know he is getting back with her because of said family. Does it make me feel better to see them miserable, yes it does. Should I be better than that, probably. But, right now I am not. All I want to do is scream at him and let him know exactly how I feel. I want him to feel as shifty as I do! I am angry, and feel helpless, and almost hopeless right now. I have to give it to him though, he has no shame. They just left to go to church. The church him and I have been attending for the past 3 years. Would love to see how he explains that.

I wished I could just make it all go away. The pain and anger. I feel like he should know how I feel. I bet he has not told her about the A.

 

Oh, Rikki.

What you are feeling is so normal and understandable. Anger is good, it fights off some of the affair fog. Of course it makes you cringe to see him going to church with his wife,though to be honest, if you two went there together while in an extramarital affair,i dont think its any less hypocritical on his part.

It plain sucks that you are left with all this anger,confusion and hurt while he seems to be going about his day. Ive seen it so many times on this board. I think its part because of MM's ability to compartmentilise and get their needs met and OW's capacity for self deception.

As for having it out with him,i personally think it futile. Chances are you wont feel any better and he wont really get it anyway. I mean, you knew he was married,right?(saying this from his pov,yeah? Not mine)

My friendhadd an A with a MM, realised (by crazy coincidence) he had multiple others going on. She broke it off. She then spent weeks working up the courage to confront him with her anger and pain,only t have him mumble stupid excuses,deny,deflect and generally invalidate her emotions and try to finish the conversation asap.

I suspect her experience is not unusual. If someone is ignoring your feelings, hurting you, putting you second best, putting their needs before yours,they are not going to understand what the problem is, or they are not going to care either way.

Suppose you do confront him,what is your main issue?

And what do you hope to achieve?

Get through the pain. I know its hard. I spent the first weeks on NC constantly on the verge of tears, i couldnt eat,sleep,think. It was awful.

Try to look further than right now and imagine yourself two,three years from now. Ths moment will not last forever.

Hold on, be strong

[Scarlett94]

Rikki,

He can't kick you out without cause if you have a lease. Is it for a year? That should give you time to save up some money. I wish you the best!

[Rikki67]

Scarlett94, unfortunatly it is a month to month lease.

I am scared he will give me a 30-day notice and i am out. It is truly horrifying right now. Hoping and praying it wont happen.

[cozycottagelg]

Why do you think you don't have any power? Does his wife know about you? If not, you have ALL the power.

 

Anything he's ever given you or written to you or texted to you or emailed to you, save. Save multiple copies.

 

I'm not saying take him to the cleaners, but the least he could do is help you move out of the house next door. That isn't too much to ask.

 

I'd also be having men over... so he can see. But I'm a man hater lately so anything to hurt them I'm kind of all for

[elaine567]

Scarlett94, unfortunatly it is a month to month lease.

I am scared he will give me a 30-day notice and i am out. It is truly horrifying right now. Hoping and praying it wont happen.

 

You have to make contingency plans here, hoping and praying is not good enough

You need to at least have someone's sofa you can camp out on, waiting ready if you need it.

Do you have pets? If so then I suggest you start looking asap, as rental places that accept pets are pretty rare and the last thing you want is to be without your pet(s) at this sad time in your life.

 

Of course if it comes down to it you could always accept his arrangement of being his Mon/Fri gf if it keeps a roof over your head, at least until you find something better... Just a thought, maybe not a very good one, but no offense intended.

[whatatangledweb]

Why do you think you don't have any power? Does his wife know about you? If not, you have ALL the power.

 

Anything he's ever given you or written to you or texted to you or emailed to you, save. Save multiple copies.

 

I'm not saying take him to the cleaners, but the least he could do is help you move out of the house next door. That isn't too much to ask.

 

I'd also be having men over... so he can see. But I'm a man hater lately so anything to hurt them I'm kind of all for

 

OP, don't do this. It is called blackmail and it is illegal.

 

Ask MM if he planning to kick you out.

[stillafool]

 

She did live 700 miles away. He told her it isn`t working and he wants her to divorce him. He feels he can`t file because he is the one that betrayed her. Its a religous thing.

 

I think it's hilarious that he can't file for divorce from a woman he no longer loves because of religious reasons all while carrying on an affair behind her back. I guess he feels it's okay to break the adultery commandment. What a hypocrite!

[BTDT2012]

I was going through a divorce when we met, and he helped me financially to an extend. The house I live in he bought so I would have a roof over my head. I do pay him rent. In Dollars! I did not decide to have an A with a MM because of his money. We met, we clicked. Maybe at this time in our lives we just needed each other. He was my best friend. I loved him.

But your name isn't on the house. Is his wife's name on the deed? He bought the house because it was a good investment, and it kept you indebted to him, and him able to keep an eye on you.