Cope with who I am

[Aetter]

When I was young, I was bullied by peers, teachers, families and families' friends. Teachers would call me stupid and that I would never go anywhere in life, peers would call me dumb and stink, my parents would say that I was a mistake and favor my siblings over me. My family friends would say how I am ugly I am compare to my siblings.

 

When I hit high school, I thought it was finally a chance for me to have a new start to make new friends, but then... People started bullying me and attacking me because I was gay in an all-boys school. I really wanted to suicide then, but I've always thought that if I tough it out, things would eventually turn out good. I just have to be nice and friendly to people because no one deserve what I've went through.

 

In university, things began to brighten up. There's no more bullying, but I still couldn't make any friends. I've spent four years being alone in the university. However, people there cared about me, when I was in the hospital, they wished me good luck. I finally feel like life is finally turning good for me.

 

Then I ended up in the hospital again... My family came and visited me, I was so glad, only to get really depressed after their visit. My mother literally gave a camera and told me to get off the hospital bed, so my brother can jump in and pretend to be sick, so then I would take a photo of him and her together. At that point, it really struck me that my family doesn't care about me at all. However, I tried not to let that bother me.

 

A few months after getting out of the hospital, I've decided to start dating. It didn't work out at all. The first date turns out to be a scam artist and the second one told me off after I told him I want to get to know him more before sleeping with him. He told me off and said why would anyone ever want to know you. I was really crushed (I remember crying after that night)... Not because he rejected me, but there's a hint of truth in what he said to me. So that point, I've decided to change myself. I've tried clubbing (couldn't handle it), I've tried going to social events (it just made me more crappy about myself), etc. The last moment was when I slept with a person after he told me liked me (I know... I'm pathetic). After that, he literally blocked my contact and never contacted me again. That was when I realized that I can't change who I am... I just have to accept it.

 

Years later, I have graduated from university. I've got a full time job. I still don't have much close friends or ever been in a committed relationship. I know I'm not a social person and I know I'm not interesting at all, but I'm fine. I'm not trying to change myself or tease myself into be hopeful again. I like being the kind, friendly and calm person. I like helping other people, and I like caring for others. I know people would find me boring or fake, and that probably means I'll never get into a relationship, but that's fine. I'll just distract myself with work, and do more volunteer work to help others.

Edited August 26, 2016 by Aetter

[juniorrocha]

Hey Aetter,

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. When people say things get better, they do get better. You just have to be patient and most important: work towards getting better. Just waiting wont get you anywhere.

 

I'll share with you a story of mine I shared a while ago here on this forums. This is kinda long, but I hope it helps you somehow.

 

Just like you, I went through a very dark period of my life during school and highschool. I suffered a lot of bullying. College was alright, but didn't make friends either. I'm not gay, but I'm very introvert, I was very thin, not good looking at all, didn't care about myself and all I did all day was play online games. Had no friends.

 

I started therapy at 19, at 21 I joined a gym (that's when I started to notice myself more) and that was also the age I met the first girl of my life and had my first kiss/sex. Eventually I made friends.

 

Now I'm 26, I have a good looking body, I take care of my health, my hair, I try to buy nice clothes. I take care of myself. And when you start to do it, you feel more confident, more outgoing, and you start to not care about what everyone else will think.

 

3 months ago me and my ex of 2 years broke up. Before her, I experienced sex with many women. After her, there's a girl in love, another that keeps insisting on going out with me, and a few more who I talk to every now and then. Don't want to start dating again now though, not ready for that. But you see? My "love life" isn't dead.

 

Starting looking at yourself. If you haven't already, please consider seeing a therapist. It was the first big move for me. If you're not exercising, start working out, or find another sport you enjoy. Fill your days with hobbies (when you aren't at work, ofc). Btw, if you don't like your job, maybe you should start looking for a new one? Change yourself, improve. There's always room for improvement.

 

After breaking up with my ex, I've been in this "journey" of discovering my own self. It's haunting, sad sometimes, and I wonder where I'll end up, but I just keep going and it somehow makes me feel safe. I'm finally putting myself first.

 

Stop saying you're not interesting, you're not worth it, etc. That's not true. The whole world can make you feel that way, but you can't let it get to you. Cut these thoughts, you're nice. You care about people.

 

The key word here is: change. Start changing everything. Break your own rules. Become someone greater and most importantly, become someone you want to be.

 

You'll be fine, as long as you start that process as soon as possible. It takes long, so the sooner you start, the better.

 

You can do it!!