karso Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year, and we've been getting into repetitive fights about stupid things roughly once or sometimes twice a month. Goes like this: She's in a bad mood, I do something that irritates her, she shuts me out for a little while, I get her to talk eventually and it becomes something huge ("Why do you always _____, etc"). She makes a bunch of factually incorrect statements about me, I get defensive/angry and explain why she's wrong, she feels invalidated, everything escalates, and occasionally, the result is us taking a 3-day break from each other. In our post-fight conversations, we realize that it's hard to remember what we fought about. It's more about the fight than the issue. So, as someone in his first real relationship, two newbie questions 1) Is it normal to have fights with your SO this frequently? 2) What can each of us do so that our fights are more discussion than fight? Thanks!
Arieswoman Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 karso, How old are you both? ^^ That's a genuine question, I'm not being sarcastic BTW.
Gemma1 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) She has resentments towards you for certain character traits that you possess, but she isn't communicating that to you. Instead, she waits until you do something that she can fit into her web of resentment and somehow make into another example of you doing that thing that she resents (hence why the arguments usually involve a statement like "why do you always...") Oftentimes the current example that starts the fight is a bit of a stretch as far as how she's fitting it into her underlying web of resentment (she's just gathering evidence for your wrongdoing at this point, and will make even shaky evidence fit her already foregone conclusion), hence why you are often able to break it down and explain how she's wrong. But she's not wrong, at least not entirely, because there IS something she's resentful about, and whatever example has just occurred DOES somehow relate (in her mind at least) to whatever she's resentful about. Hence why she gets so mad when you're able to prove her wrong. Confusing, right? Find out what the underlying resentment is about. Edited August 26, 2016 by Gemma1 2
Blanco Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 If both sides are mature, I've found the phrase, "What are you really upset about" to be a good jumping off point to get to the real problem. In my last relationship, as things progressively got worse, the smaller and more unusual the offenses were that got someone going. Unfortunately, we did not communicate well, so instead of digging to the root of the issue, we'd either shut out the other person or just let there be tension for a while until we had smothered it, where it would, of course, later resurface. If I've learned anything from relationships, it's that healthy communication is crucial. Stonewalling, character assassination, and definitive statements ("you always/never...") are absolute poison to a relationship. 6
basil67 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 ("Why do you always _____, etc") This is the absolute worst way for her to address an issue. Accusing people is a great way to get them in a defensive mode. If you add exaggeration and inaccuracy, of course it's going to end badly. She needs to learn to use "I feel" statements. When X happens, I feel Y. It must be done in a ways that she addresses the issue instead of attacking the partner. Have a look at this for examples. Relationship Advice: Communication Skills for Couples: I-Statements Regarding frequency, it's not uncommon for partners to get a bit snippy with each other. And I think you could both benefit from changing somewhat. If she's in a bad mood, she could tell you "I'm in a bad mood at the moment and feeling a bit fragile" or "I'm in a bad mood. I'm apologising in advance if I get grumpy. It's not you, it's me" This gives you the heads up to be a little more sensitive of her feelings and to not take anything to heart. If it still goes wrong and she goes quiet, just leave her be and let her come out of it in her own time. (assuming we're talking an hour or two and not whole day) Don't force her to talk. Just let her mood pass and let it go. One of the best techniques I've learned in a relationship is to "let it through to the keeper" (Letting the ball through to the shortstop would probably be a US translation). Some balls (issues) really aren't worth the effort of hitting. Just let it fly on past and don't get stuck on it. Regarding frequency - you don't say how often this happens. But I can't imagine having a relationship where fights are commonplace. Nor a partner who has bad moods frequently. So to recap 1. She should nicely warn you if she's in a mood. 2. If you accidentally say something which upsets her, just leave her be. Odds on she'll work through it and find it wasn't worth getting upset about anyway. She will talk about it if it needs to be addressed - but she doesn't need to be pushed. 3. If she does need to address an issue, she should use "I statements" instead of accusatory speech. 1
Asian-Woman Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 She has resentments towards you for certain character traits that you possess, but she isn't communicating that to you. Instead, she waits until you do something that she can fit into her web of resentment and somehow make into another example of you doing that thing that she resents (hence why the arguments usually involve a statement like "why do you always...") Oftentimes the current example that starts the fight is a bit of a stretch as far as how she's fitting it into her underlying web of resentment (she's just gathering evidence for your wrongdoing at this point, and will make even shaky evidence fit her already foregone conclusion), hence why you are often able to break it down and explain how she's wrong. But she's not wrong, at least not entirely, because there IS something she's resentful about, and whatever example has just occurred DOES somehow relate (in her mind at least) to whatever she's resentful about. Hence why she gets so mad when you're able to prove her wrong. Confusing, right? Find out what the underlying resentment is about. It's like you read my mind .
BaileyB Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 All good advice in this discussion... To quote Dr Phil;) He says the number one predictor of a failed relationship is whether you can have a disagreement and allow your partner to retreat with dignity. Which means, you don't destroy their character, bring in past hurts, beat the other person down such that you are right and they are always wrong... I believe that and I often think of this when I'm having a disagreement with someone. I also have a mantra that someone told me when my mom was dying... And that is "be kind to each other." I say this in my head often, especially when I'm unhappy with someone. 2
Gaeta Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) You know, us ladies, are very sensitive to our cycles. Once a month we get a rush of hormones. Hormones going up...then hormones going down. That is 2 roller coasters we need to go through each month. Even the women with the best of temper and character are sensitive to this. The fact you said you (she) cannot even remember what the fight was about a couple of days later leads me to believe it's not about resentment or any negativity building up. I really think she feels miserable and restless and don't know herself why she is picking on you. You are just there and are an easy target. How to handle this? Just don't participate. It takes 2 to tango. If she starts with her nagging and arguing just drop it. Don't feed the argument, don't go in defense mode, don't try to explain to her she is wrong and where she is wrong. She will realize how silly she was on her own trust me. I do that myself. Some mornings once or twice a month (like today) I sit at the breakfast table and for no reasons I'd bite someone's head off. My BF is 49 (experience) so he has seen that before and he knows what ever he says, what ever he does, he won't win :-) He smiles and agrees with everything I say. It passes in a few minutes and he saved the day. Give it a try. Edited August 26, 2016 by Gaeta 1
smackie9 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 I was going to say it's probably hormonal......maybe leave out some chocolate. The endorphins work to lessen pain and decrease stress (2). Another common neurotransmitter affected by chocolate is serotonin. Serotonin is known as an anti-depressant. One of the chemicals which causes the release of serotonin is tryptophan found in, among other things, chocolate 1
Sunlight72 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) I don't know much about hormonal / PMS effects, and don't want to discount that possibility or comment on it. If it's 'communication' that is causing the problem, I would recommend you 'be kind to each other' as mentioned above, and also you personally should consciously relax when something is getting started, and listen. Don't feel it's so important for you to talk. At these moments I think it's important for your girlfriend to be heard. If you say something, tell her, "I hear you saying....", or "I'm sorry you are feeling that way, that's hard." You shouldn't be ignoring what she says, but realize - she is probably trying to figure out what exactly is bothering her while she is telling you. That could be why it doesn't make sense - she isn't reading from a prepared statement, she is trying to understand it by talking it out with you. Also, when you reply to her do Not say "But". Like, "I'm sorry you feel hurt when I forget to get your favorite kind of bread, but I am busy and tired from working". But just erases all the caring things you said. It's deletes them. No "Buts". This is something we are taught in becoming facilitators for family counseling classes. Mainly though, don't justify yourself. For this relationship to do better, you do not need to be right or justified. For this relationship to work, you need to Be On The Same Team. To get on the same team, listen to her and let her know your focus is for her to feel heard, safe, and appreciated. Don't worry (during the argument) about making sure she hears how important and valuable you are, or how right you are - that is making her feel not-heard. Focus only on making sure she knows You are hearing Her, and that she is important to you. It may be that her underlying problem is that she does not feel important to you, but she can't yet express that in plain English for you, maybe because it seems 'silly' to her in some way. Edited August 26, 2016 by Sunlight72
BlueIris Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year, and we've been getting into repetitive fights about stupid things roughly once or sometimes twice a month. Goes like this: She's in a bad mood, I do something that irritates her, she shuts me out for a little while, I get her to talk eventually and it becomes something huge ("Why do you always _____, etc"). She makes a bunch of factually incorrect statements about me, I get defensive/angry and explain why she's wrong, she feels invalidated, everything escalates, and occasionally, the result is us taking a 3-day break from each other. In our post-fight conversations, we realize that it's hard to remember what we fought about. It's more about the fight than the issue. So, as someone in his first real relationship, two newbie questions 1) Is it normal to have fights with your SO this frequently? 2) What can each of us do so that our fights are more discussion than fight? Thanks! The most effective first step is to not engage, not pick up the gauntlet if you will. Listen instead. If she gets upset, listen. If she expects a response, tell her that you're listening, you want to understand. It diffuses things immediately.
HopefulJacob96 Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 I think those sort of "fights" are pretty normal. Many couples argue about things, but as long as they always make up and don't hold grudges, it's generally just something that comes with the territory. However, if the arguments start getting vicious and personal, then you might have an issue. But if they are over simple things and are always resolved quickly and forgotten, then I don't think it's something to get too concerned over.
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