Permanently damaged by dating?

[Redguitar35]

The last couple of dating situations I was in didn't go well (see my other threads for the dirty on that; I dated a series of women who had serious issues) so I retired from dating. Maybe in the back of my mind I left open the possibility of my feelings changing later, but so far that hasn't happened. In fact, I am realizing I've become more withdrawn and ambivalent when it comes to the opposite sex.

 

Tonight in a night class some girl asked me something about my career out of the blue during a break. I gave a brief response, then went back to surfing in my laptop. It was only later that I realized I probably shut her down but not asking about herself, etc. Something similar happened at the end of a workout the other day. Some woman asked me how I was doing, I said pretty good, thank you, and went back to my workout gear.

 

I was casually using a dating app last week, and after chatting with a reasonably attractive woman who seemed interested in getting to know me, I just lost interest and dropped the conversation and didn't respond to her anymore. In the past I might have tried to set up a date with her, but, hell, I just didn't feel like it. I preferred to read a book.

 

I don't believe all women are like those girls I dated, but the desire to commiserate with girls has just been purged from my system. It's like I've become permanently damaged by my past experiences. I'm unwilling to put in the effort to get to know new women because I feel like they'll just disappoint me again.

 

What's happening to me? Has anyone else been through a phase like this?

Edited August 26, 2016 by Redguitar35

[sorano]

I have been posting this a lot lately. I am 34 years old and I actually stopped looking. I really am done lol. People told me you will be back, give it time, blah blah. Actually......No. I will not be back.

 

I do not need another broken heart. I do not have energy to come up with date ideas, be romantic, go out on dates, nothing. Its a stupid cycle that repeats its self over and over. I will not go above and beyond for anyone else besides me. After getting my heart broken, not having any luck in the past, I wave the white flag and surrender. Am I damaged? Maybe.

 

I will not go into detail about why I am thinking this way, what happened, etc. My posts are all over.

 

To be honest? I feel so relieved and feel so good that its finally over. I no longer have to join dating sites, go out and mingle to talk to girls, nothing. No more sending flowers, spending money, its done. Its the same bs. can I buy you a drink? want to go see a movie? For what. For those who dont agree and believe there is "the one" out there? May you find that person and have an amazing life. Me? its done.

[DSP]

I've just got out of this feeling myself. Four distinctly bad dates in a row and I went into monk mode for a year solid. You become ambivalent doubting your reality.

 

It's a slippery slope if you don't make a conscious decision to not fall to the valley. It leads to isolation then depression and starts a nasty cycle with internal doubt, but it's a cycle with a down and up if you don't let it consume you.

 

You have focuses other than finding a partner and that is healthy. Continue to speak with others just keep it mind forward that you have no intention of ending this conversation romantically and you have other things to keep you occupied.

 

Stop the dating app / site stuff and let those fish have other opportunities. Continue your friendly banter with healthy dose of smiling and a gorgeous girl is going to hit you right in your heart and open you up to another world of possibilities and all the work you didn't let slide is going to show to her bringing the excitement back.

[Romantic Gentleman]

It's natural for you to have your guards up, and heart protected, because of your past relationships. I know it's hard, but you cant let it keep beating you up inside, and not give any girl the chance to prove she's not like the others. Take it slow, make small talk, and be social when you're out in public. She just might surprise you when you and her have a lot of the same interests

Edited August 26, 2016 by Romantic Gentleman

[Popsicle]

You're ready when you're ready. I was single for years and years and people were baffled as to why I was single for so long, but I just wasn't ready to date, even though I was lonely. When you're not ready, you do things very half-assed and your enthusiasm and drive is just not there. Your dates can tell this too and it would be unfair to date someone when you are not ready. I thought my dry spell was permanent too at the time but it wasn't. I don't know what happened, but something clicked. When you're ready it will happen and you will do things that you never thought you would before.

[Mkn1010]

I'm a 29 year old female and I am feeling the exact same way. I've always just wanted one boyfriend/partner, I'm not into cheap thrills. I rejoined the dating scene this year and it's terribly crushing. I'm a very open/heart-on-my-sleeve type and so I tend to be extremely vulnerable to getting hurt, which happens time and time again by people with bizarre emotional problems. I always give my all, let people in to my heart fully, only to find that being kind/caring is not well received. In fact, the more vulnerable and transparent I am, the weirder the outcome!

 

 

Have no idea what to do!! At least you're a man and don't have a ticking biological clock.

[NIGHT1985]

Yea, the fallout of my last relationship has left me extremely damaged. I'm not even ready to be dating, I've just been pushing myself, since she has moved on and found happiness so quickly. I think I'm just gonna stop looking/stop dating and find myself again.

 

 

You know after you've fallen in love with someone for a bit and you start to lose yourself? You start to notice yourself picking up their habits after you've split? I'm at that point, and I'm ready to just find me again, find who what I want from life, who I really am, and what future goals I should be setting for myself.

 

 

All this dating and searching to find happiness has been so damn exhausting and I haven't given any time to appreciate what I love in life and what makes me smile. I'm changing this, starting this weekend. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I need to compare myself to my Ex, and needing someone else to make me happy

[Toodaloo]

You are jaded.

 

You are still hurting and need more time.

 

You also need to learn about better boundaries and recognising inappropriate behaviours so you can cut it short before you get attached.

 

Give yourself time.

 

No point in trying to date when you are feeling like this or you will just make a total hash of it anyway. So just go do your thing for a while. Talk to people, be polite and just relax for a bit.

 

Get rid of your dating profile for now so you do not even think about it. If you want to go "window shopping" then have a peruse around your local shops instead.

[BaileyB]

Dating the right person can be really fun...

 

Dating sucks when you are weeding through potential partners because it's really hard to find that right person.

 

I have definitely had periods of time that I have taken a break from dating. It's good to take a break when you get so frustrated because you won't find that right person if you are cynical, frustrated, and guarded. You will know when it's the right time to date again. And, dare I say it, when you do meet the right person... All these struggles and frustrations won't matter as much any more.

 

Good luck to you!

[bighearted]

I'm a 29 year old female and I am feeling the exact same way. I've always just wanted one boyfriend/partner, I'm not into cheap thrills. I rejoined the dating scene this year and it's terribly crushing. I'm a very open/heart-on-my-sleeve type and so I tend to be extremely vulnerable to getting hurt, which happens time and time again by people with bizarre emotional problems. I always give my all, let people in to my heart fully, only to find that being kind/caring is not well received. In fact, the more vulnerable and transparent I am, the weirder the outcome!

 

 

Have no idea what to do!! At least you're a man and don't have a ticking biological clock.

 

I'm in the same position. 28 year old male... My last serious relationship was over 6 years ago. Since then I've been sifting through the infested waters of emotional problems, immaturity, short mindedness, infidelity, boring, crazy, you name it... looking for a partner to even BEGIN to see if we would like to spend a life together. And on that EXTREMELY rare occasion of those that pass, that I finally connect with, that I deep down start to feel that this could really turn into something because everything seems to be going along great and we would be, in my mind, perfect... they drop a bomb on it.

 

I don't even know where to go or what to do at this point.

[Redguitar35]

You're ready when you're ready. I was single for years and years and people were baffled as to why I was single for so long, but I just wasn't ready to date, even though I was lonely. When you're not ready, you do things very half-assed and your enthusiasm and drive is just not there. Your dates can tell this too and it would be unfair to date someone when you are not ready. I thought my dry spell was permanent too at the time but it wasn't. I don't know what happened, but something clicked. When you're ready it will happen and you will do things that you never thought you would before.

 

I guess that's true, maybe I'm just not ready. Even before I officially "retired" from dating, I think there were signs that I was starting to check out mentally from it. I was having dinner with someone a fee months back and she said she had actually considered no-showing the date because she felt I wasn't making much of an effort.

[Toodaloo]

Yea, the fallout of my last relationship has left me extremely damaged. I'm not even ready to be dating, I've just been pushing myself, since she has moved on and found happiness so quickly.

 

All this dating and searching to find happiness has been so damn exhausting and I haven't given any time to appreciate what I love in life and what makes me smile. I'm changing this, starting this weekend. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I need to compare myself to my Ex, and needing someone else to make me happy

 

You do not know that she is happy. She may be faking it!

 

You do not need to compare yourself to anyone else. Even if you are a twin you are still highly unique and an individual.

 

So look yourself in the mirror. Promise yourself that you will look after yourself and then do it.

 

I have found that in order to be truly happy I need three things;

 

Physical Health

Mental Health and

Financial Health

 

A relationship doesn't even come close to those three things. I can also provide those three things myself.

 

Bad relationships damage all three of those things.

 

Good relationships enhance those three things...

 

Dating as it is is hell on earth. When you are down and fed up its just... worthless.

[Redguitar35]

It's natural for you to have your guards up, and heart protected, because of your past relationships. I know it's hard, but you cant let it keep beating you up inside, and not give any girl the chance to prove she's not like the others. Take it slow, make small talk, and be social when you're out in public. She just might surprise you when you and her have a lot of the same interests

 

The biggest thing that led to me quitting dating is that I was dismayed by the quality of women I was attracting to me. I only seem to attract women who have problems. The last one had emotional problems. The one before that had a drinking problem and was on antidepressants (which I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to mix with alcohol). I was more frustrated than hurt. I don't understand why it's impossible to meet someone who has her life in order.

[Romantic Gentleman]

The biggest thing that led to me quitting dating is that I was dismayed by the quality of women I was attracting to me. I only seem to attract women who have problems. The last one had emotional problems. The one before that had a drinking problem and was on antidepressants (which I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to mix with alcohol). I was more frustrated than hurt. I don't understand why it's impossible to meet someone who has her life in order.

 

Give it time, dating are experiences that you'll go through until you find the right one. I've dated a fair share amount of women, and still haven't found the right girl for me. Try different scenery's, so you get a variety of different women with similar interests as you

[JDPT]

I hear you op. I feel as if women at this point aren't worth my time as I have too much going on. I recall someone said to me "well you gotta get laid don't you" I was like, I do buddy trust me I do lol. But I really have not found a girl that would really catch my attention and made me go out of my way. Where before I would bend over backwards the second someone give me the little bit of attention. I think eventually and in due time that said girl will come and only I will know.

[Romantic Gentleman]

I hear you op. I feel as if women at this point aren't worth my time as I have too much going on. I recall someone said to me "well you gotta get laid don't you" I was like, I do buddy trust me I do lol. But I really have not found a girl that would really catch my attention and made me go out of my way. Where before I would bend over backwards the second someone give me the little bit of attention. I think eventually and in due time that said girl will come and only I will know.

 

More people need to have the same mindset as you. Well said man

[NIGHT1985]

Is it wrong to feel like dating is "easier" for women? An of our ex's can go get a new guy in a flash, where it seems like it takes me while to find a girl I connect work on that level..

[NJ123]

Is it wrong to feel like dating is "easier" for women? An of our ex's can go get a new guy in a flash, where it seems like it takes me while to find a girl I connect work on that level..

 

It's because women are the ones that get approached so it's really easy for them. So they have tons of more options automatically than men do. It's a pretty cliche thing to say but it's really true.

[Redguitar35]

It's natural for you to have your guards up, and heart protected, because of your past relationships. I know it's hard, but you cant let it keep beating you up inside, and not give any girl the chance to prove she's not like the others.

 

I think what you say is true, but it's also extremely difficult. I have a really hard time letting go of those negative dating experiences. When something bad happens to me, I dwell on it. That's just the way I've always been. It would take a truly incredible woman to restore my faith in dating. I don't think I can do it myself.

[Romantic Gentleman]

I think what you say is true, but it's also extremely difficult. I have a really hard time letting go of those negative dating experiences. When something bad happens to me, I dwell on it. That's just the way I've always been. It would take a truly incredible woman to restore my faith in dating. I don't think I can do it myself.

 

Yes it just means you haven't found the right girl yet. There's someone out there for everyone. Sometimes it just takes longer to find "the one" but don't give up trying, because you'll regret it.

[SweetCharity]

The biggest thing that led to me quitting dating is that I was dismayed by the quality of women I was attracting to me. I only seem to attract women who have problems. The last one had emotional problems. The one before that had a drinking problem and was on antidepressants (which I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to mix with alcohol). I was more frustrated than hurt. I don't understand why it's impossible to meet someone who has her life in order.

 

Hey, that's not fair. You don't know what led these women to have these problems. Maybe have some compassion. Progress is a ladder.

 

I myself have gotten really depressed over dating. I seem to find myself attracted to men, who like you, are emotionally unavailable. And that in turn, makes me more depressed.

 

We're all screwed up.

[SweetCharity]

Is it wrong to feel like dating is "easier" for women? An of our ex's can go get a new guy in a flash, where it seems like it takes me while to find a girl I connect work on that level..

 

Definitely not easier. It's harder. We get used for sex then thrown away. And the more expansive our dating history, the less desirable we seem. Most of my exes are in long term relationships right now, while I'm still alone.

[LLQ1986]

Is it wrong to feel like dating is "easier" for women? An of our ex's can go get a new guy in a flash, where it seems like it takes me while to find a girl I connect work on that level..

 

That's not true at all. It hasn't been easy for me at all.

 

 

Definitely not easier. It's harder. We get used for sex then thrown away. And the more expansive our dating history, the less desirable we seem. Most of my exes are in long term relationships right now, while I'm still alone.

 

I SECOND THIS. My exes seem to have moved on much quicker than I do. Most of the guys who are attracted to me only wanted nothing more than fun with me, so I've been extremely cautious when it comes to 'dating'.

[lillymae1010]

Love does not discriminate based on gender that's for sure. It's just a different type of hell for others.

 

That being said. If you asked me at 17 after my first breakup I would've told you that I had given up on love and I'd never find it again. Same thing at 25 and almost again at 28. Looking back, thank god. I guess the one at 25 was a solid person but we didn't go together and the idea of putting up that charade for YEARS makes my stomach turn.

 

 

I have a feeling you're gonna find her. Granted it probably won't be the one "that got away" but maybe it shouldn't be. Keep the doors open, enjoy life and don't let internet trolls get you down.

[Lovelorn00]

I can totally relate to this post. I feel like I'm there. I say so often that it's time to throw in the towel, but as soon as I do, someone else comes along to shake things up again. Within the span of about 10 months, I've been on dates with over 20 different guys. Might even be closer to 25 by now. Most of them ghosted. A few of them slowly faded. After a while, it just becomes exhausting. There were some good guys, but none of them thought I was worth sticking around for. The whole process is excruciating. They say dating should be fun - and it should be - but today's dating culture is absolutely brutal, and I'm beginning to think it's just not for me.