clairelouise11 Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Hi there My boyfriend has always had quite a few female friends as well as male ones but he says he gets on better with girls Lately the few he has have gone quiet on him and won’t go out for a drink or anything. He’s joined a dating site to try and find new ones (but he didn’t tell me and I found out) I asked him about it when I found out and asked if he was looking for someone new, he was fine and just said it was to find new friends as he was fed up with his other ones never wanting to go out. He said he didn’t tell me as he was ashamed that he had to go to those lengths to find one as he doesn’t seem to meet new people anymore (working long hrs etc) I was cool about it and didn’t have a go or anything but I do feel a bit uneasy about it, I had a nose and it said he is looking for ‘any type of relationship’ rather than selecting the‘freindship’ option (this just may be an oversight) also I read the letter he sent out and it does seem fine just a friendly letter but he hasn’t mentioned he has a girlfriend Should I be letting him do this, I don’t mind him having female friends at all but this seems weird, I said to him if he ever wanted to go play the field just be honest with me and I’d let him go but he says he’s happy. Should I be putting my foot down here or be understanding and let him have the fuller social life that he wants, he is a very social person and wants to balance his time between me friends and work.
d'Arthez Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Well by not letting him tell that he has a girlfriend, he would be leading his 'friends' on to believe that he is single when he is not. Second of all 'friends' is not determined by sex, so it is suspicious to say the least, that he is using a dating site. There are a million alternatives to get friends - you don't need a dating site for that! So I fear, that a bit more is going on, than he is wanting you to believe. He seems to be checking his options, waiting for someone better (if at all) comes along. You might be replaced as a gf, if you let him go on with this. You caught him in the act - and you should question the validity and foundation of your relationship with him.
Tony Posted July 4, 2005 Senior Moderators Posted July 4, 2005 This doesn't smell great. However, if you insist that when he goes to meet these ladies that you go with him and become friends with them as well....see what his reaction is. If he has no problem with that, then I think you will be OK. I also sense that perhaps your friendship with him may be lacking. Quantity of friends is not nearly as important as quality. Are you being a good friend to him? What needs does he have that you aren't fulfilling? While I think it's rather strange for a guy with a girlfriend to seek lady "friends" on a dating site, the fact that he has such a need for such is very telling. Somehow, and I don't know why, I just feel like he may be looking around to see what's out there. Don't let him get away with this. If he won't include you in his female friend-making process, you need to fill your tank with gas to move on down the road.
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Honey, it seems weird to me too. Looking on a dating site for female "friends"? Forgetting to mention he's only looking for friendship? Forgetting to mention his girl? I don't like the sound of this. IME, female friends only work if you're very clear about your intentions. And draw strict boundaries when there's a girlfriend - she always comes first. Also, I find it a bit odd (for other reasons) that he's not good with guy friends. I'd say to him (in the nicest possible way) that you're not comfortable with him looking for female friends right now. And that you'd be more comfortable with him looking for new guy friends.
lindya Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 One method of getting away with bizarre behaviour in a relationship is to assume an air of innocence combined with nonchalance....as if you really don't see what's odd about what you're doing, and can't for the life of you understand why the other person should have a problem with it. If you avoid challenging his behaviour, trust him and accept that he really is just looking for friends as opposed to friends-with-benefits, then you'll transcend the gloom and doom of being an average, conventional, insecure and "nagging" girlfriend. The downside is that you really will feel like a total fool if in two months time you catch him in bed with one of these women he's putting up adverts for. I don't know your boyfriend, so have no idea if that's a real likelihood. I would say, however, that you should listen very carefully to your instincts. They have a habit of looking out for your interests when everyone else is busy looking after their own.
shygurl Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 So if he's looking for "just friends", is his Profile also in the Male section - I mean, if he's really "just" looking for friends, wouldn't he be looking for both female AND male friends? 1) He did this but didn't bother to tell you about it. Why not? If what he's doing is genuine, I can't see why he wouldn't tell you about it FIRST. Or better yet, ask you how he could go about making new friends - suggest you make new ones as a couple? NOTE: what if you hadn't found it? Do you know how long he's had this profile? By the way, how did you even find it? 2) He had the choice when he created his profile to indicate the type of relationship he was seeking was "friendship", yet he didn't choose that one - Red flag #2. By the way, did he post a picture of himself? If he did, that's Red Flag #3 because why would a person who's "just looking for friends" need to post their picture? 3) There's no mention in his profile about ONLY looking for friends - so basically he's leading the women who'll read his profile to think he's single and looking for someone to date/etc. 4) There's no mention in his profile that he's already GOT a girlfriend and that he's really just there looking for friends. How many Red Flags do we have here? Sorry but I think he figures he can pull one over on you and that you're not bright enough to figure out what he's doing. I'd say he's looking to see if the grass is greener on the other side but he's giving you a lot of BS in order to continue his "search." If I were you, I would get a friend to create a profile there........make it an attractive sounding profile in terms of what age he'd be interested in, interests, etc. Then have her contact him - see what his response is. She could ask him something like, "so your profile doesn't really say what you're looking for here, so what ARE you looking for?" - see what he says. She could also ask simple questions, as the correspondence progresses like "so do you date much? how long ago was your last serious relationship?" - his responses will be very "telling." That's the only way you're going to know for sure what he's truly up to. This is not wrong of you to do this - you have a right to know if you're being duped and played and you also have a right to know if your partner is perhaps looking for women to hook up with - which could inevitably put your health at risk, if he's out there wanting to sleep around.
Author clairelouise11 Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 Hiya Well i made up a false name and profile and sent him a msg saying i was just out of a relationship and what was his situation, did he have a gf or was he foot loose and fancy free. He replied saying he was fancy free, looking to have some fun and see where it goes. What do i do?? i really want to stay friends with him so don't want to go in with pistols blazing, i just wished he could have told me he wants to go off and see other girls cos i would have let him go as i just want him to be happy. I don't really want to bring up that i didn't trust him and sent him a 'test' msg but how do i get out of this otherwise unless i just say look i get the feeling u want to go play the field and im going to let u go. What u guys think I kinda want to let him know he can't do this to people, well not to me anyway. He said the other day that i'm the only one he hasn't cheated on. I want to make him realise what he's lost.
lindya Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 I think if you say you're letting him go so that he can play the field, he'll talk you back round pretty quickly. You sound undecided in your post about whether you do want to dump him, and the chances are that he'll pick up on that indecisiveness and use it for his own ends. I really hope you make the decision to very firmly and unambiguously detach yourself from this guy so that you can move on and meet someone who'll treat you better than this. It's very sweet and considerate that you just want him to be happy, but unfortunately it sounds very much as if that's all he cares about too.
d'Arthez Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 You know his intentions now. There exists a thing called "woman's intuition", and it may have kicked in when you thought about everything he said and done. Based on what you described before you sent him the test-message, it was not hard to come up with the likely outcome. You don't need to mention the message at all. Probably the best thing you can do, is to break up with him. Perhaps a friendship is salvageable. But in all likelihood it is not - he was not honest about his intentions, was he? And how can you be a friend with someone who can't be honest about things like that? Set him free - his intentions to cheat are so glaringly obvious, that I can't see a happy end to this. But most of all, set yourself free. That is much more important.
Author clairelouise11 Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 what do i say to him, what reason do i give to break up? i don't want to break up cos i really do love him to bits but i can't let him get away with him treating me like this can i, thats what i'm thinking there's rights and wrongs and i want someone who will respect me and be honest with me. i've already asked him if he's happy with the way things are and he said yes, i guess he's happy holding onto me and seeing what else is out there at the same time. i've never broken up with anyone before so don't know how to do it without breaking our friendship. i want him to realise he can't get away with what he's doing (or going to do) but i also don't want to spoil the chances of him seeing the light and maybe wanting me back when he realises what he's lost. i can't really mention the test msg as that would have mean't i didn't trust him. so what reason can i give? a friend of mine said he needs kicking into touch but how do i do that?!
d'Arthez Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 His behavior is far from accidental. He hides the fact that he has a gf. He is not honest with you about the sexual part these female friends may play in his life. Even if it is just for kicks. He does not seem to care one iota for you. He tried to paint a totally different picture of things, and your relationship, than he expresses to these females on the dating site. If a man is willing to lie about his girl-friend, how can you be certain of a thing he says in the future? You can't, and you will have serious doubts about everything he does. You would have a hard time to find a boyfriend who is willing to treat you worse than your current bf. Not to mention a friend who treats you worse than he does. The problem is, if you don't break up with him, he will believe his behavior is acceptable to you. If you are okay with the idea of breaking up, him having sex with females to get things out of his system, and reconciling after the event, that is fine. The problem that he lacks (female) friends might come up again. And as he was able to get you back once, there is no guarantee, that he will not try the same thing again. You definitely have to approach the issue. Even if you don't want to mention the test message, there have been so many warning signs addressed in the first post in this thread, which warrant reasonable doubt. If you want to make friends, there is no way you would need a dating-site. You would not need to hide your gf on the profile. People who are in a relationship can form friendships. You may need to tell about the test message, as much as you might hate it. Probably he will deny the sexual nature of these "friendships" he is looking for. You know full well, that he in all likelihood does not want to admit the truth, unless confronted by it. "Having intentions for sex with other girls", while maintaining to be in a monogamous relationship with you does not mix together too well. Honestly, I am sorry to tell you, but I can't see why you want to maintain a friendship with someone who has no problems to lie to you, look for sex behind your back, and expects you to be okay with it! You deserve better than friends like that.
lindya Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 There are lots of different things you can say. How about "this isn't working for me. I like you as a friend, but that's it. You're just not the person I see myself in a romantic relationship with"? It would be truthful - because given the way he's acting, he's not your romantic dream come true. At the same time (and for whatever reason) you want to remain friends with him. I think, too, that if you say something like that, he might volunteer some of the information that you've already uncovered on your own. His ego will probably require him to do so (eg "well it doesn't matter anyway, because I've started seeing someone else"). Then you'll have all the more reason not to get involved with him again.
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 Originally posted by clairelouise11 What do i do?? i really want to stay friends with him Why? He's dishonest and selfish. I tend to be more selective in my choice of friends. I want to make him realise what he's lost. You have 2 options. Lindya's is quite fun - you just say it's not working for you, dump him and move on. That's too funny. Or you confront him and make a scene. I'd go for Lindya's option. But whatver you do, set your face towards it and don't look back. Don't let him talk you round - he's already proved that he is willing to lie to you to keep you.
Jolene Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 He is not being honest. Don't waste your time trying to figure him out any longer. The reason you are bewildered of his actions in the first place is because you found out his secret agenda. He may play it cool, but what he is doing is NOT COOL! I would have trashed his butt long ago. Why would his female friends get "quiet" on him if they are real friends? Have you met these people. If not, why does he have friendships that you are not a part of? If it's a future you are looking for in a stable relationship, this guy is not THE ONE! Why are you putting up with this? Move on. You don't need to explain yourself...just tell him it's not working out. The more you are wishy washy, the more he is going to lie and blow steam at you to confuse the issues. Don't bother. Just laugh him out of your life. It sounds like he will do just that to you as soon as he finds whatever it is he is looking for. Some men just can't settle for one woman. They need variety, and these are the most dangerous to be involved with because they can expose you to disease and infection.
SoftDrink Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 keep going with the profile you made, make arrangements to meet him, let him get there first, and then throw a drink in his face when he sees you're the "mystery friend." fight fire with fire. why did his other "girl---friends" all stop talking to him? probably because he wanted more and got all creepy on them. or he got what he wanted from them and is moving onto greener pastures while you're waiting on the sidelines. or he didn't get what he wanted, and is looking for more opportunities. you know he's a jerk now, so if you get treated badly, it's because you are letting yourself get treated badly. you don't want to be his friend. you want a "friendship" meaning you hope things will work out. they won't. he's a turd.
Horse Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by SoftDrink he's a turd. Flush him.
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