Communication needs

[jacarter2016]

I feel your pain! You described the start of mine and my SO relationship exactly, lots of texting in the beginning and then slowly faded. I too am like you and need that communication in between times where we see each other. In the beginning it was almost like he couldn't get enough of texting me, was very fast with responses and always initiating the texting himself. As the relationship progressed it lessened. While we do text still every day, it's normally me initiating it and the conversation on his part is him responding to whatever I've texted, nothing really added on his own. I've also struggled with excessive response times. What used to be very quick response times led into very long response times. I've struggled with this a lot with him and we've had several conversations about this to which he always says he'll do better and does step up to the plate for a minimal amount of time before regressing back to his old ways.

 

We spend more time apart than we do together so communication in the interim of being apart is important to me. It appeared as important to him in the beginning, but honestly I think the comfort factor set in and he doesn't feel he has to do as much, complacency if you will. I think a lot of times in the beginning men & women put on their best face and do what's needed to win over who they're interested in, knowing soon their real self will be exposed, which isn't necessarily who they're presenting themselves as in the beginning. I would rather a person be who they are in their everyday life from the start than do things to impress me or do things that I like or they know I like and that I get used to and then change and or not be able to keep up with how they presented themselves in the beginning. I also think in relationships we have a responsibility to do things that make our partners happy and if if this is one thing your SO knows you like and knows makes you happy, it's really not a lot to ask to do for you. It's maddening when they start to get lazy or stop doing things they know are important to you.

[hippychick3]

So during working hours, sure. He's at work. But after work when I know he gets off at 3 or 4 and then just dissapears until 10 or 11... and i can't get a hold of him, thats when I would like to be notified that he's going to be away. Theres been days when he's been at conferences, or out of cell service and we've gone hours, day or even weeks without talking -- for a good reason, and I'm fine with that. My issue is just being left out of the loop. I do not expect hourly check ins, again as i mentioned above, in my previous relationship my ex would say good morning, told me he was on site, and would talk me almost 12 hours later.

 

Sorry, OP. This is not a good sign. The fact that he is texting/calling less and is out of touch and unreachable for that long after work does not sound like a healthy relationship. I would find that highly suspicious. I would guess he's pulling away from you and possibly seeing or talking to someone else.

[blocker]

It is really hard to post on an online forum and paint a picture that is true to the relationship. The reason he may disappear after work is to go to movies with friends, go climbing, or whatever hobbies he chooses to take part in. This disappearing for hours on end is not him cheating as some of you have mentioned. Him taking part in other activities does not bother me, its the sudden hault in communication to find out 4-5 hours later, in fact he was working out/ went to friends house for poker. I would like to be notified of such activities so it does not give me anxiety. I could go on forever to explain how and why i know he isn't cheating, but the point of this form isn't to convince everyone here of that.

 

I appreciate all of the replies. I had a conversation with my boyfriend and we spoke about our expectations in terms of communication. I learned that i need to step away from the phone a bit, and he needs to make a better effort to communicate with me. Turns out we want the same things, but so much pressure on his side created anxiety and fear for doing something that would upset me. I truly do not doubt for a second his feelings are changing, however i do believe that as relationship age people get comfortable.

[blocker]

May I ask how old you both are?

 

Is there any goal to this relationship? like moving in together? marriage?

 

I find 2-3 dates a week and no sleep over after 8 months dating a bit mediocre for a relationship that long.

 

That being said after 8 months dating you should not expect texting through out the day. You both work so lets concentrate on that. You should go through your day knowing you will speak to him at night. Make it a routine you can count on like at 7 pm he calls you no matter what and if he cannot call he lets you know. It will be much easier for you to go without contacts during the day if you have something to look forward each night.

 

So that being said if you did not text him, what would his communication pattern be like? Have you tried giving him space to see what he is made of?

 

Men aren't different than women. When in love they want to hear from us as much as we want to hear from them except they are not good at multi-tasking like we are that is why during work hours you let him concentrate on his work and don't expect him to text you.

 

We are both in our late 20s. I have a tendency to wait for him to text/call me, and i now recognize that maybe if i made more of an effort to text when i wanted that i would get a response. we made a bit more of a routine in terms of communication, so we will see how the next bit goes. If i ever halt communication or do not reply for hours on end, (like he sometimes does), he does text me wondering about my where abouts. The issue is, he is more busy than I am, and i must find ways to kill more of my free time.

[SwordofFlame]

I think you have a compatibility issue here. What you see now is the real him. You said it yourself, he's not a texter, doesn't even text his friends much. When the relationship was newer, he changed his texting behavior to meet your needs, but it wasn't the real him. People rarely change, they can only pretend to be someone else for awhile, but they'll eventually default back to what they truly are.

[Dis]

Sorry, OP. This is not a good sign. The fact that he is texting/calling less and is out of touch and unreachable for that long after work does not sound like a healthy relationship. I would find that highly suspicious. I would guess he's pulling away from you and possibly seeing or talking to someone else.

 

I agree with this

 

OP, please know that unless you're with your bf 24/7 you have no way of knowing that he is not cheating

 

Pls dont be one of those woman that allows the wool to get pulled over their eyes in the name of love

 

His behavior is worthy of suspicion....and you are overlooking some serious red flags

 

You defend his actions by saying, He was hiking in the country...no cell service etc etc....but you need to look out for YOU first!

 

I'm a few years older than you and I've been in your shoes...I've had bfs fool me before and I turned a blind eye...dont do that to yourself

 

You need to be careful with your heart and pull your head out of the sand

[Gaeta]

I would like to be notified of such activities so it does not give me anxiety.

 

Why do you need to be notified? You are both adults, can't he attend to his activities without having to notify you like he is 10 and you are his mom? Grown men do not like having to report. This is very emasculating for any man. Let him be his own man. He knows to contact you and he will on his own.

 

And what is this about giving you anxiety? Don't you trust him? You just said you fully trust him so what anxiety can he possibly be giving you? You're afraid he is going to get kidnapped? hit by a car? what exactly? Anxiety is caused by an uncontrollable fear, what is that fear?

 

I talked to my BF at 8 am, then I hear from him again at around 8-9 pm. sometimes later. I don't need to know what he does after work, I know he does what needs to be done, and he'll get back to me as soon as he has a moment to himself. Do I need to know where he is? no, I trust him.

[Gaeta]

OP: The heart of the problem is not his lack of texting. The problem is this relationship is not escalating beyond dating 2-3 times a week.

 

After 8 months dating why aren't you spending more time together? Why aren't you having sleep over on weekends?

 

You think your constant feeling of craving is from not enough communication, it's not because it's normal for communication to drop as the months go by but as the communication drops the face to face time is suppose to increase, and with you it's not happening.

 

That is why I asked you why you were dating, what are your common goal, are you talking of a future together, etc? Why is this relationship not escalating?

[hippychick3]

Why do you need to be notified? You are both adults, can't he attend to his activities without having to notify you like he is 10 and you are his mom? Grown men do not like having to report. This is very emasculating for any man. Let him be his own man. He knows to contact you and he will on his own.

 

And what is this about giving you anxiety? Don't you trust him? You just said you fully trust him so what anxiety can he possibly be giving you? You're afraid he is going to get kidnapped? hit by a car? what exactly? Anxiety is caused by an uncontrollable fear, what is that fear?

 

I talked to my BF at 8 am, then I hear from him again at around 8-9 pm. sometimes later. I don't need to know what he does after work, I know he does what needs to be done, and he'll get back to me as soon as he has a moment to himself. Do I need to know where he is? no, I trust him.

 

I think the OP wants him to share more rather than notify her. It's about keeping her in the loop with what is going on in his life. That is what couples typically do as the relationship progresses. If my bf plays golf after work or goes to HH with a friend, he tells me every time....not because I'm his mom and he needs to check in but because he wants to share what is going on and why he may be not as available for a few hours. I do the same.

 

Gaeta, your post shows how individual communication needs really are. I like more communication between 8 and 8 whereas other posters don't need daily communication at all. The OP needs more communication than her boyfriend is willing or is able to give. They are simply incompatible, and now she is trying to conform herself to how he is in order to make the relationship work. And, I don't think that's going to work in the long run.

[Gaeta]

I think the OP wants him to share more rather than notify her. It's about keeping her in the loop with what is going on in his life. That is what couples typically do as the relationship progresses. If my bf plays golf after work or goes to HH with a friend, he tells me every time....not because I'm his mom and he needs to check in but because he wants to share what is going on and why he may be not as available for a few hours. I do the same.

 

Gaeta, your post shows how individual communication needs really are. I like more communication between 8 and 8 whereas other posters don't need daily communication at all. The OP needs more communication than her boyfriend is willing or is able to give. They are simply incompatible, and now she is trying to conform herself to how he is in order to make the relationship work. And, I don't think that's going to work in the long run.

 

I used the word notified because it's the word she used herself. She wants to be notified. She wants to be told at 4 pm when he gets off of work where he is heading to and what are his plans. That is different than keeping each other in the loop. My BF keeps me in the loop, at 9pm he will tell me all about his day. If he told me 3-4 times a day what he is up to he would have nothing to tell me at night.

 

But I understand people have different needs but I don't understand the need to communicate during work hours. Before text existed couples survived just fine, they'd call each other during lunch or break or after work, there was not this constant connection through the day. That is not love, that is no being a couple. When you cannot have a full productive day as a member of society without hearing 3-4 times from a BF or GF that is unhealthy emotional dependency.

 

I think something is off in OP's relationship. I don't think it's about communication. Like I mentioned in my following post I don't think it's normal when late 20s and dating 8 months to not have sleep-overs on weekends and only seeing each other 2-3 times a week. That is what couples do at 3 months dating, not 8. I feel something is off and it's much deeper than just different style of communication.

 

I think OP sees this as a serious relationship and her boyfriend is simply casually dating her.

[Dis]

I think something is off in OP's relationship. I don't think it's about communication. Like I mentioned in my following post I don't think it's normal when late 20s and dating 8 months to not have sleep-overs on weekends and only seeing each other 2-3 times a week. That is what couples do at 3 months dating, not 8. I feel something is off and it's much deeper than just different style of communication.

 

I think OP sees this as a serious relationship and her boyfriend is simply casually dating her.

 

Exactly

 

This isnt about communication...this is about the OP's bf seeing other women..thus the reason why he is distant and the relationship isnt progressing

 

A much more serious problem

[Zapbasket]

 

I think something is off in OP's relationship. I don't think it's about communication. Like I mentioned in my following post I don't think it's normal when late 20s and dating 8 months to not have sleep-overs on weekends and only seeing each other 2-3 times a week. That is what couples do at 3 months dating, not 8. I feel something is off and it's much deeper than just different style of communication.

 

I think OP sees this as a serious relationship and her boyfriend is simply casually dating her.

 

This is all true EXCEPT the OP said they live 2.5 hours apart. So 2-3 times a week is probably the best they can do until they move closer together.

 

I think this highlights the pitfalls of long-distance relationships. You think you're ok with the distance, but as intimacy grows, so does the craving to be in one another's presence on a routine basis. I was in a long-distance relationship for 3 years (we dated 5 years total) and eventually, we were fighting out of missing each other so much. And this was with daily phone conversations lasting nearly one hour. I insisted that we have meaningful conversation every day because it was the only way I could see the relationship working long distance. He agreed to it and we both honored an evening call, and if one of us couldn't make the call we'd let the other know in advance.

 

I agree with you, Gaeta, that the problem isn't the amount/kind of texting or calling, but how much they get to physically see each other. Being together in the same space allows variances in communication style to peacefully co-exist; not like phone, email, texting, social media that just can't replicate the intimacy of actually getting to be in the same room as a person.

[Gaeta]

This is all true EXCEPT the OP said they live 2.5 hours apart. So 2-3 times a week is probably the best they can do until they move closer together.

 

I think this highlights the pitfalls of long-distance relationships. You think you're ok with the distance, but as intimacy grows, so does the craving to be in one another's presence on a routine basis. I was in a long-distance relationship for 3 years (we dated 5 years total) and eventually, we were fighting out of missing each other so much. And this was with daily phone conversations lasting nearly one hour. I insisted that we have meaningful conversation every day because it was the only way I could see the relationship working long distance. He agreed to it and we both honored an evening call, and if one of us couldn't make the call we'd let the other know in advance.

 

I agree with you, Gaeta, that the problem isn't the amount/kind of texting or calling, but how much they get to physically see each other. Being together in the same space allows variances in communication style to peacefully co-exist; not like phone, email, texting, social media that just can't replicate the intimacy of actually getting to be in the same room as a person.

 

I missed the part she said they are 2,5 hours apart. The question remains though why isn't she sleeping over on weekends? I also asked where this relationship is going and got no answer, this question is even more important now that I know they live apart 2,5 hours. What are the plans to eliminate this distance?

[hippychick3]

I used the word notified because it's the word she used herself. She wants to be notified. She wants to be told at 4 pm when he gets off of work where he is heading to and what are his plans. That is different than keeping each other in the loop. My BF keeps me in the loop, at 9pm he will tell me all about his day. If he told me 3-4 times a day what he is up to he would have nothing to tell me at night.

 

But I understand people have different needs but I don't understand the need to communicate during work hours. Before text existed couples survived just fine, they'd call each other during lunch or break or after work, there was not this constant connection through the day. That is not love, that is no being a couple. When you cannot have a full productive day as a member of society without hearing 3-4 times from a BF or GF that is unhealthy emotional dependency.

 

I think something is off in OP's relationship. I don't think it's about communication. Like I mentioned in my following post I don't think it's normal when late 20s and dating 8 months to not have sleep-overs on weekends and only seeing each other 2-3 times a week. That is what couples do at 3 months dating, not 8. I feel something is off and it's much deeper than just different style of communication.

 

I think OP sees this as a serious relationship and her boyfriend is simply casually dating her.

 

Yes, I know she used the word "notified" but my interpretation of that was more in line with her wanting him to share more of his life with her.

 

Regardless of that, there is definitely something off in this relationship. There is not enough communication or contact, and there doesn't seem to be progress. This is why I think he is pulling away and/or seeing someone else.

[dcamnc]

2.5 Hours apart, and seeing each other 2-3 times a week? My last serious gf was 2 hours away, and we might have gotten together 2-3 times a month, at most. Different folks have different needs I guess.

[hippychick3]

This is all true EXCEPT the OP said they live 2.5 hours apart. So 2-3 times a week is probably the best they can do until they move closer together.

 

I think this highlights the pitfalls of long-distance relationships. You think you're ok with the distance, but as intimacy grows, so does the craving to be in one another's presence on a routine basis. I was in a long-distance relationship for 3 years (we dated 5 years total) and eventually, we were fighting out of missing each other so much. And this was with daily phone conversations lasting nearly one hour. I insisted that we have meaningful conversation every day because it was the only way I could see the relationship working long distance. He agreed to it and we both honored an evening call, and if one of us couldn't make the call we'd let the other know in advance.

 

I agree with you, Gaeta, that the problem isn't the amount/kind of texting or calling, but how much they get to physically see each other. Being together in the same space allows variances in communication style to peacefully co-exist; not like phone, email, texting, social media that just can't replicate the intimacy of actually getting to be in the same room as a person.

 

Are you sure it's the OP who lives 2 1/2 hours from her bf or was it my post you were thinking about? I didn't see that she was also long distance. I don't think they could possibly see each other 2-3 times a week without sleepovers if they were that far apart.

 

That alone wouldn't necessarily be the demise of a relationship. Circumstances and personalities play a huge part in that. It is working well for us.

[BikerAccnt]

Being on the same page communication wise is very important. The difference in communication style is one of the reasons I broke up with my previous GF.

 

Maybe I'm strange for a guy - ok, I know I'm strange - but I like lots of communication. It needn't be constant throughout the day, but I'd like to hear from you at least once a day. A good morning text, a phone call, catch up on the day, that type of thing. My Ex wouldn't return texts for hours, if at all, never initiated phone calls, just was fine with very limited communication. We had many conversations about it, and, nothing ever changed. That amongt other things contributed to the demise of the relationship.

 

The woman I'm seeing now is much more in tune with my communication style/needs. She texts, calls, responds, initiates, and genuinely seems to want the communication as much as I do. To me, this is really important.

 

Additionally, it doesn't really matter how often you communicate if you both agree on it, more important is how substantive that communication is. How does it make you feel about the relationship?

[GemmaUK]

I couldn't cope with this.

 

I was in a LDR where he was texting me from 5.30am when he woke up to midnight when he went to sleep plus he wanted a one or two hour call each day.

I was loosing sleep for one thing as I was being woken up by him - I only had my mobile so it was charged and ready by my bed in case of an emergency in my house. I asked him to not text me so early/late so I could use my phone for any emergency but he didn't like it so I ended up switching my phone off overnight.

His view - and he told me this was that if I wasn't at work my time should belong to him entirely. He told me he was inconsiderate of the fact I have a house and therefore have things like washing up, washing, hovering, tidying up..etc to do.

He lived in a truck during the week and at his parents (even though he was 42 at the weekends) so he had no concept of looking after a larger space.

I got to a time where I was working 12 to 15 hour days - and he knew - he was pre-warned - he got worse - I had attempted to break up with him several times by this stage but I got so exhausted that I just couldn't be bothered to try splitting again.

 

The only times I had any time to me was from 12 noon ish to 5pm when he would have to shower, nap, go do chores for himself. I just carried on with work, no issue, had no need to ask him what he was doing.

From 5pm though I was supposed to be right there. 5pm because he thought that was my contracted hours to finish work - it was always 5.30pm - and often 11pm that I would be walking home.

He drove me crazy!!

 

I'm a grown woman and I shouldn't have to notify someone what I am doing every moment I am not in work. Neither should a guy have to notify his gf either - if I ever start requesting that I would like someone to shoot me! Lol!

It's ludicrous!

[Zapbasket]

Are you sure it's the OP who lives 2 1/2 hours from her bf or was it my post you were thinking about? I didn't see that she was also long distance. I don't think they could possibly see each other 2-3 times a week without sleepovers if they were that far apart.

 

That alone wouldn't necessarily be the demise of a relationship. Circumstances and personalities play a huge part in that. It is working well for us.

 

Whoops. Yes, I confused your situation in one of your earlier posts on this thread, with the OP's situation. That's what happens when you read and respond to LoveShack threads late at night

 

I think communication between two people in a couple has to reach that delicate balance where one person isn't wanting more of it, and the other person isn't wanting less. Otherwise it's a constant push-pull and both people feel unhappy--one trapped, the other neglected. And what makes this issue particularly pernicious is that communicating that imbalance to the other person only makes the imbalance greater (i.e., "I feel like I want more from you; I feel left out." "How can you possibly want more when we talk every other day and see each other twice a week?" Result: one person feels even more neglected, and unreasonable on top of it, and the other person feels even more trapped, and resentful and like they're "not measuring up" on top of it).

 

For this reason, perhaps the best way to deal with communication frequency / type issues, is to be very clear within your own mind about what level and kind of communication would make you happy, communicate that to your partner, and ask him or her if they can meet that level of communication. Ask yourself whether the level and kind of communication that is comfortable for your partner is something that can make you happy. It's a do-or-die moment when you see whether there really is compatibility there on this issue.

[dcamnc]

Everyone has different communication needs of course. I personally (guy) don't have to talk/text/see someone every day, even a serious relationship. Some folks like it constantly.