Communication needs

[blocker]

At the beginning of the relationship, my boyfriend and I communicated a lot via text. I have always been the type of person to at least communicate in a way that I am on the same page/ kept up to date with my s/o. If we don't text as much, I appreciate a phone call to hear about the day. As the relationship is getting more comfortable, my boyfriend has eased off in terms of communication. He stated he's the type of person who dislikes social media (still uses it), and does not like carrying on conversations via text. I know previously, from the very beginning, he stated he was excited when he got messages from me, and now he feels as if he "expected" to respond in certain ways and as soon as possible. Obviously our views on communication is very different. He is the type of person that can fill fulfilled after hanging out, whereas i feel i need the communication to maintain my love bucket while we spend the better part of the week apart.

 

How do you manage different communication needs? I feel rejected when we go a full day without communicating. I try not texting him, and it makes me feel negatively towards the relationship. I do not understand how in a relationship one can be okay with not communicating on the daily. help?

[JewelD]

I think you both have to compromise. A full day without talking is bs to me, unless somebody died or he's seriously ill.

 

Do you complain to him about how long it takes him to text back or the things he says to you? If you have to pressure him to give you the communication you want, you might be a bit incompatible. Because at the heart of it all, somebody who likes you is going to want to hear from you everyday and will try to live up to your expectations, unless it's something crazy, like text me back within 1 minute every single time.

 

I'm going through something similar with a guy I've been talking to. Very inconsistent communication, even after I addressed it with him. If you tell him what the problem is and he continues doing it, he just doesn't care that much and you need to consider whether he's the right person for you.

[hippychick3]

I could never be in a relationship without some kind of daily contact multiple times a day. I would feel disconnected from my partner if I didn't have this. Subsequently, I have chosen not to get into relationships with men who don't value daily communication. Not everyone has the same needs. That's what dating is...seeing if we are compatible enough to get into a relationship. So, at this point, you will have to decide if this is something you can live with or not. He clearly has different communication needs than you do. You can 1) express those needs, observe his behavior after, and go from there. 2) say nothing and just accept it for what it is or 3) move on to someone with similar communication needs as you.

 

Edited because I see that you are already in the relationship stage, and his communication has dropped. At this stage I would express that this doesn't work for you and you are feeling disconnected from him and then go from there.

Edited August 26, 2016 by hippychick3

[blocker]

I think you both have to compromise. A full day without talking is bs to me, unless somebody died or he's seriously ill.

 

Do you complain to him about how long it takes him to text back or the things he says to you? If you have to pressure him to give you the communication you want, you might be a bit incompatible. Because at the heart of it all, somebody who likes you is going to want to hear from you everyday and will try to live up to your expectations, unless it's something crazy, like text me back within 1 minute every single time.

 

I'm going through something similar with a guy I've been talking to. Very inconsistent communication, even after I addressed it with him. If you tell him what the problem is and he continues doing it, he just doesn't care that much and you need to consider whether he's the right person for you.

 

I will admit sometimes i do complain about the texts i get back. when he is busy and sends me a short blurb, I've said I've preferred for him to just wait until he's not busy to reply. Before i've also said things like if he's going to be away from his phone for an extended amount of time (4+ hours at a time when he usually responds within the hour) to just let me know that he will text me the next day, or in a few hours after he is finished. I want to just be more informed, whereas he is the type where he said he's happy to only talk once a day on the phone for ten minutes.

 

In previous relationships I've got good morning texts, and random texts throughout the day. Ive been fine with previous boyfriends saying they arrived at work and will call me at the end of the day. When i am with my current boyfriend everything is fine, but i feel like i need something more during the days we are apart. Unfortunely because i have talked to him about it a few times, he claims he's not even sure how he is suppose to text me anymore...

 

What is a normal amount of communication in relationships when you don't live together/ see each other 2-3 times a week?

[blocker]

I could never be in a relationship without some kind of daily contact multiple times a day.

 

what is multiple times a day to you? do you keep a side conversation going throughout the day? random comments as they come up? phone calls?

[h0000]

My BF is a terrible texter. And he can go 2 days without talking to me. I'm like you OP I prefer daily contact..

Eventually we both compromised. For me every time when I feel negative, I tell myself he's still very into me and he's just being a typical guy and guys don't like texting (it's true!) I also think having a BF whos loving and genuine is way more important than a guy who is a good talker.

 

 

For him, I made him understand what I want, and told him why I felt insecure when he went days without talking. He agreed he can do better, and assured me he likes getting my messages.

 

 

Now if he doesn't text me, I will text him and he will reply. Sometimes he took 4 hours, but it doesn't matter he is busy. If I don't text him, he would call me at night, just to have some chit chat because he knows I need it.

[blocker]

I wish that i never communicated as much as we did for the first 8 months... because now i see the decline these last 4 months and just compare the old relationship to now. It hard to go from texting every few hours, to rarely ever. At least i know that he is consistent across the board. He rarely texts friends, but is constantly on his phone the full day for work (email, text and phone calls).

[hippychick3]

what is multiple times a day to you? do you keep a side conversation going throughout the day? random comments as they come up? phone calls?

 

My bf and I have been together 3 years and haven't gone a day without contact. He would tell you that he texts me all the time excessively (NOT the case at all. lol). He always texts good morning and maybe a few short texts throughout the work day. If he's really busy, he will just send a kiss half way through the day. By 4ish, he will txt again and 5ish either call or ask about my day and then we have conversation about the day. The evening consists of sporadic texts until goodnight txt every night. We are long distance (2 1/2 hours apart), so communication is very important to me. He is someone who has always hated talking on the phone but knows that it's important for me to talk to feel that connection. So he will call sometimes everyday, sometimes every other day. I'm good with every other day phone calls.

[hippychick3]

I wish that i never communicated as much as we did for the first 8 months... because now i see the decline these last 4 months and just compare the old relationship to now. It hard to go from texting every few hours, to rarely ever. At least i know that he is consistent across the board. He rarely texts friends, but is constantly on his phone the full day for work (email, text and phone calls).

 

Do you see each other more often or less? If you're seeing each other more, it would make sense that the texting may decrease. But, if you're spending less time together and communicating less, I would be concerned that the relationship is regressing.

 

I will say that there was a period of time (a few weeks maybe?) that my bf was only calling once a week at most. Even though he was texting a lot, that wasn't enough for me. He felt just as connected with texts and didn't need the calls like I did. It took several conversations for him to understand I needed phone calls in order to feel close to him. That was almost a year ago, and he's been very consistent with phone calls since then and seems to actually like calling me now. Sometimes, men don't need the same level of communication that we need to feel close to us but if they truly love us and care for us, they will put forth the effort to work on the relationship (provided it's reasonable for them).

[Dis]

I need alot of communication in my relationships too...I wouldnt date another guy who didnt share the same needs or who couldnt compromise to meet mine

 

I was in a relationship with a guy who (going to be very honest here) was pretty dull and simple minded...he was horrible with texting...never said much when he did....couldnt hold a convo. He didnt text me everyday either. I tried to convince myself his communication style was ok for me....but not hearing from him and hearing so little from him was really hard on me

 

I tried talking to him about it once....he was very receptive to what I had to say...he started texting more...but then he regressed back to his old ways

 

I will never...ever....again suppress my own needs for frequent communication with my partner. I either need a partner who communicates as frequently as I do or someone who can step up to the plate

 

My point in telling you this....as others have mentioned....this is about compatibility...communication needs must be met in order for a relationship to succeed

 

I have a feeling your bf is either starting to get alittle too comfy/lazy in the relationship....or his feelings for you might be waning

 

Seems like you've talked to him about this issue a few times....if he cant step up to the plate very quickly and continue to do so...then you two arent a good match hun

[blocker]

Do you see each other more often or less? If you're seeing each other more, it would make sense that the texting may decrease. But, if you're spending less time together and communicating less, I would be concerned that the relationship is regressing.

 

I will say that there was a period of time (a few weeks maybe?) that my bf was only calling once a week at most. Even though he was texting a lot, that wasn't enough for me. He felt just as connected with texts and didn't need the calls like I did. It took several conversations for him to understand I needed phone calls in order to feel close to him. That was almost a year ago, and he's been very consistent with phone calls since then and seems to actually like calling me now. Sometimes, men don't need the same level of communication that we need to feel close to us but if they truly love us and care for us, they will put forth the effort to work on the relationship (provided it's reasonable for them).

 

I feel like we see each other about the same, if anything less because i am not sleeping over on the weekends (now only sleeping over once a week). Last week he went away, and was good about texting and calling every night. Now that he is back, we text a bit (less than when he was away) and because he texted he didn't feel the need to bother calling.

[blocker]

I need alot of communication in my relationships too...I wouldnt date another guy who didnt share the same needs or who couldnt compromise to meet mine

 

I was in a relationship with a guy who (going to be very honest here) was pretty dull and simple minded...he was horrible with texting...never said much when he did....couldnt hold a convo. He didnt text me everyday either. I tried to convince myself his communication style was ok for me....but not hearing from him and hearing so little from him was really hard on me

 

I tried talking to him about it once....he was very receptive to what I had to say...he started texting more...but then he regressed back to his old ways

 

I will never...ever....again suppress my own needs for frequent communication with my partner. I either need a partner who communicates as frequently as I do or someone who can step up to the plate

 

My point in telling you this....as others have mentioned....this is about compatibility...communication needs must be met in order for a relationship to succeed

 

I have a feeling your bf is either starting to get alittle too comfy/lazy in the relationship....or his feelings for you might be waning

 

Seems like you've talked to him about this issue a few times....if he cant step up to the plate very quickly and continue to do so...then you two arent a good match hun

 

I know as a person he is not one who even texts his friends. When he is with me, he even shuts his phone off to avoid work texts/emails and calls. I would prefer more consistent communication throughout the day.. is that asking too much? am I being too needy? I am trying to understand what a normal amount of communication should be? Is it wrong for me to ask him to message me before he goes out and about? Is it wrong that i want to know what he is up to?

[Dis]

I know as a person he is not one who even texts his friends. When he is with me, he even shuts his phone off to avoid work texts/emails and calls. I would prefer more consistent communication throughout the day.. is that asking too much? am I being too needy? I am trying to understand what a normal amount of communication should be? Is it wrong for me to ask him to message me before he goes out and about? Is it wrong that i want to know what he is up to?

 

I dont think your being needy hun...I think you're being reasonable

 

The normal amount of communication is a compromise between you and your bf where both of your needs are being met....you'll have to figure that out with your bf...no one can tell you what that is

 

If you've talked to your bf about this many times...and he still isnt measuring up....you need to reevalute your relationship

 

If he cant meet your needs then you need to move on...nothing is worse than staying in a relationship were you feel unfulfilled in some way...esp when it comes to communication

[blocker]

I dont think your being needy hun...I think you're being reasonable

 

The normal amount of communication is a compromise between you and your bf where both of your needs are being met....you'll have to figure that out with your bf...no one can tell you what that is

 

If you've talked to your bf about this many times...and he still isnt measuring up....you need to reevalute your relationship

 

If he cant meet your needs then you need to move on...nothing is worse than staying in a relationship were you feel unfulfilled in some way...esp when it comes to communication

 

Thank you for your replies!

[basil67]

What is a normal amount of communication in relationships when you don't live together/ see each other 2-3 times a week?

 

For me? A 10 minute phone call once a day.

[Romantic Gentleman]

Try something different like Snapchat, Facetime, or Skype. Does he work a lot? Those options give you the opportunity to communicate visually

[hippychick3]

I know as a person he is not one who even texts his friends. When he is with me, he even shuts his phone off to avoid work texts/emails and calls. I would prefer more consistent communication throughout the day.. is that asking too much? am I being too needy? I am trying to understand what a normal amount of communication should be? Is it wrong for me to ask him to message me before he goes out and about? Is it wrong that i want to know what he is up to?

 

It's not wrong. And there is no "normal". It's very individual, so this is a compatibility issue.

[Gloria25]

I think you both have to compromise. .

 

This is pretty much the only part I agree with ^^

 

I mean, we're never gonna have 100% in a partner what we want, so you gotta decide what you'll compromise on.

 

I'm sorry, maybe I'm an odd ball female, but I do not need contact every day - even a text. I'm cool with hearing from a guy I'm seeing once or twice a week.

 

And, actually, I prefer texting. I don't like phones all the time cuz uuugh, the awkward silences.

 

I mean, what are you gonna talk about all day? It's difference once you're married and living together cuz you have to almost see that person 24/7, but still, I'm sure you both aren't gonna have earth shattering conversations...it's just going to be mundane stuff like, "What are we gonna have for dinner today?". So, while dating, a "need" to contact someone several times a day? For what? To ask them what they had for dinner?

 

I think that people can understand and maybe even accept the differences in communication once they know the person's motivations. Dude and I? I don't know who taught him how communication works. My FWB before him, the 42 yr old guy and I just talked like once or twice a week via e-mail and setting up a meet was easy. Not with dude. It was like pulling teeth, and when I expressed frustration, it's like he just didn't understand me. Till this day, I still don't know if he simply had some off-beat idea of how communication works or that he was seeing other people, and/or cuz I was a FWB, he didn't see if/why he should communicate with me clearly about meeting up. Again, with my last FWB, things were ten times easier.

 

So, hopefully you can find out what communication style works best for your guy and "why". Hopefully, once you understand where he's coming from (and he where you're coming from) you both can make the effort to communicate better - even if it's not your style. I will admit that dude did try to meet me half way, but slipped back into his old ways, and that pretty much led up to our break up.

[JewelD]

I dont think 4hours during the day is a big deal for working people or students. So i can see where he might feel pressured you by you that you need to either be texting him or know when he is going to text you next. You should be filling your days with your own activities so you don't even notice if its been a few hours since he responded.

 

Regardless, you have complained about it to him and the issue hasn't been resolved. He has taken it upon himself to ignore your wants and feelings and do what he wants.

 

Communication is such a basic yet vital part of a relationship. If he doesn't feel like he wants to talk to you everyday, it's possible he's just not that into you anymore.

[h0000]

Is it wrong for me to ask him to message me before he goes out and about? Is it wrong that i want to know what he is up to?

It's not wrong, but I find it annoying to have to tell someone every time when I'm going out, or have to tell someone everyday what my day is like. Because most of the time my days are the same and there really isn't much to tell. So I can understand your BF.

[blocker]

I dont think 4hours during the day is a big deal for working people or students. So i can see where he might feel pressured you by you that you need to either be texting him or know when he is going to text you next. You should be filling your days with your own activities so you don't even notice if its been a few hours since he responded.

 

So during working hours, sure. He's at work. But after work when I know he gets off at 3 or 4 and then just dissapears until 10 or 11... and i can't get a hold of him, thats when I would like to be notified that he's going to be away. Theres been days when he's been at conferences, or out of cell service and we've gone hours, day or even weeks without talking -- for a good reason, and I'm fine with that. My issue is just being left out of the loop. I do not expect hourly check ins, again as i mentioned above, in my previous relationship my ex would say good morning, told me he was on site, and would talk me almost 12 hours later.

[Dis]

So during working hours, sure. He's at work. But after work when I know he gets off at 3 or 4 and then just dissapears until 10 or 11... and i can't get a hold of him, thats when I would like to be notified that he's going to be away. Theres been days when he's been at conferences, or out of cell service and we've gone hours, day or even weeks without talking -- for a good reason, and I'm fine with that. My issue is just being left out of the loop. I do not expect hourly check ins, again as i mentioned above, in my previous relationship my ex would say good morning, told me he was on site, and would talk me almost 12 hours later.

 

Weeks without talking???

 

The guy I mentioned in my post earlier....part of the reason why he was so distant in terms of communication was because he was cheating...I wouldnt hear from him for days at a time....walked in to find him "busy" with another woman

 

I'm not saying your bf is....but if he's dropping off the face of the planet for long periods of time....its possible

 

No cell service for weeks??? Hmmmm...

[blocker]

Weeks without talking???

 

The guy I mentioned in my post earlier....part of the reason why he was so distant in terms of communication was because he was cheating...I wouldnt hear from him for days at a time....walked in to find him "busy" with another woman

 

I'm not saying your bf is....but if he's dropping off the face of the planet for long periods of time....its possible

 

No cell service for weeks??? Hmmmm...

 

no cell phone service because he does back country hikes with his guy friend. Ive seen photos, and video footage from the entire trip. its not cheating. this is purely communication

[Larryville]

this is about compatibility...communication needs must be met in order for a relationship to succeed

 

As the relationship is getting more comfortable, my boyfriend has eased off in terms of communication.

 

Complacency is never cool…

 

My BF is a terrible texter. And he can go 2 days without talking to me…

 

Last quote exactly why past “relationships” faded quickly for me.

 

Many highly busy and could go without contact for a time…

 

If you keep me informed and engaged I certainly will mirror communication. If you back off and don’t communicated I disengage quickly and get bored. Person I am currently with is in constant contact, texts calls, updates and I do appreciate that. Just shows me she gives a damn.

 

FYI discovered a new Google app called “Google Duo” simplest video chat app I have used. We use it all the time, even for just a quick hello. Highly recommend if you can get.

[Gaeta]

How do you manage different communication needs? I feel rejected when we go a full day without communicating. I try not texting him, and it makes me feel negatively towards the relationship. I do not understand how in a relationship one can be okay with not communicating on the daily. help?

 

May I ask how old you both are?

 

Is there any goal to this relationship? like moving in together? marriage?

 

I find 2-3 dates a week and no sleep over after 8 months dating a bit mediocre for a relationship that long.

 

That being said after 8 months dating you should not expect texting through out the day. You both work so lets concentrate on that. You should go through your day knowing you will speak to him at night. Make it a routine you can count on like at 7 pm he calls you no matter what and if he cannot call he lets you know. It will be much easier for you to go without contacts during the day if you have something to look forward each night.

 

So that being said if you did not text him, what would his communication pattern be like? Have you tried giving him space to see what he is made of?

 

Men aren't different than women. When in love they want to hear from us as much as we want to hear from them except they are not good at multi-tasking like we are that is why during work hours you let him concentrate on his work and don't expect him to text you.