that "f" word after the first date...

[NIGHT1985]

So I've been talking to a girl for the last week and a half, and we've had so much in common, from interest/hobbies to our 5 love languages.

 

So we meet up for coffee and talk for about an hour, and then she ask what we should do next. I suggest we should go to an Irish pub and have a beer and food, she likes the idea and agrees( I feel like if the interest was gone, it should of ended after coffee?)

 

So we eat, drink, laugh, and have some good conversation for another hour and half, and decide to end the night. I go in for a hug and kiss, which she giggly denies, saying she doesn't kiss on the first date. I text her when I get home saying I had a good time and would like to meet up again, and she responds with that word, "'I did too, I think we would make great friends". So I asked out or curiosity, "so you're not looking for a relationship or don't find me attractive? and she responds with

"Well, no. I was. I just didn't get any kind of vibe. You are really cool. I just trust my instincts a lot and didn't get a relationship vibe."

 

 

Still. I had a good time and don't feel like I made a mistake or lost any time by meeting her. Though I didn't really want to just her friends so I told her good luck and all that. I just wish I didn't take this as such a harsh cut, especially when rejection wasn't something I wanted to deal with at the moment, but that is life

[Dis]

Awww I'm sorry hun

 

Just view this date as another step closer to finding the right one

 

It couldve been worse...she couldve led you on for awhile instead of being honest

 

I know its disappointing...esp since the date seemed to have gone so well

 

Hope she thanked you for dinner and drinks if you paid

 

Good for you not allowing this to get you down....everything happens for a reason and if you keep at it...you're bound to find the right person for you

 

Best of luck to you hun!

[RecentChange]

Eh it happens.

 

Least she was honest and didn't string you along.

 

Sometimes attraction just isn't there - and it can't reabe forced. I have met guys who would make a great friend, and probably a great boyfriend, but I just wasn't attracted to them that way. I have literally apologized saying sorry, to be fickle, but I don't find myself attracted to you that way.

 

Surely you have met someone who was "perfect on paper" yet for whatever reason you didn't find yourself drawn to them that way.

 

I wouldn't take it too personal. The times I felt this way, it wasn't that he did anything wrong, or was bad looking, or didn't have a good personality - all that was there! I just didn't get "the vibe" :/

[Leigh 87]

I personally have learnt to not even bother with a guy as it sends them the wrong message - I mean come on now, who wants to go on a DATING site, go for coffee and then have them agree to extend the date if they want JUST FRIENDS.

 

Please.

 

So, while I used to be guilty of extending the date with men I felt lukewarm chemistry with on account of being a nice person (I really have found friends frorm failed romantic connections from online dating!), I MAKE SURE to tell them upfront before extending any date.....

 

Cos chances are, they are online to DATE, not make new friends. Most people have enough friends and don't want another buddy.

 

Most men I told were appreciative and declined to be my friend.

 

I had 2 who wanted to be my friend; as the chemistry was not off the charts so they could control themselves around me and they also enjoyed my company.

 

One guy I made this mistake with and it was AWFULLY.. God awful terrible in the end - see, I " only wanted friends"... I was jaded and dissilusioned with the men I WAS into turning me down, and I THOUGHT I made it clear that " I was waiting for something special or would not bother at all, and did not feel something special with him". I wanted new friends though.

 

I thought he got it.

 

I spent all first date talking about my failed dating life and how hung up I was on the men I was into; I thought he was down for "friendship" prior to this stage. I got him a drink. Didn;t let him pay despite his offers.

 

He invited me out again. I thought good, finally a new friend who lives in my apartment complex! Great, cool.

 

He invited me to a cards agaiinst humanity game. I thought he was trying to cheer me up as again, I was a little upset about a guy I WAS into, and I only assumed that well, he obvs gets the message that I want a friend for support and to both boost each other up when we were feeling down regarding our datings lives.

 

I ended up asking about his American friend (I am Aussie) and saying he as cute LOL.

 

So he never contacted me again and when I asked why - he was like " well I find it a bit insulting that you are on a DATING site and yet put me in the friendzone when I tried to DATE you; even calling my mate hot. Goodbye, you are a ****ty person"

 

So yeah. I JUST STOPPED even trying to be friends unless a guy SPECIFICALLY suggested it! Since even when I DID ask for friends only, men can still get the wrong message ( I obviously said ONE thing and did the other - by accepting dates, that I assumed were friendship based activities!).

 

 

 

Women - just DON'T ever suggest "friendship", most normal men have enough frends and DO NOT WANT the " lets be friends" line.

 

Just tell them you are NOT INTERESTED, not feeling enough chemistry and let them go.

 

I always lead with " I found you attractive but just not chemistry". At least say that you found them attractive.

[NIGHT1985]

Yea I feel like she should of just ended it after coffee, she knew at that point that she wasn't attracted to the point of dating, so she should of called it a night. I'm not bitter, but I have enough respect for people to end the date at an appropriate time into it, if I know I don't wanna see that person again, on that level

[Dis]

Yea I feel like she should of just ended it after coffee, she knew at that point that she wasn't attracted to the point of dating, so she should of called it a night. I'm not bitter, but I have enough respect for people to end the date at an appropriate time into it, if I know I don't wanna see that person again, on that level

 

I hear you, if I wasnt feeling a guy in that way, theres no way I would extend the date

 

Maybe....she was still on the fence about you after coffee and decided she needed more time before she came to a conclusion....or maybe she just wanted more attention and some free drinks and dinner

 

But ya, if she wasnt feeling you she shouldve ended it after coffee

[NIGHT1985]

She probably wanted her free food and beer after the coffee. I assume you paid? Otherwise, there is no reason to continue a date with someone you aren't interested in. Just a colossal waste of your time at that point.

 

 

 

 

Yea I paid for both places

[Dis]

Yea I paid for both places

 

Wow....thats pretty cold on her part

 

Did she even offer to leave the tip???

[NIGHT1985]

Wow....thats pretty cold on her part

 

Did she even offer to leave the tip???

 

 

 

Of course not lol. But it's not a huge deal.

[Toodaloo]

Well I kinda get the feeling that you are still hurting from the past in some of your posts.

 

Perhaps after spending some time with you women are picking up on this?

 

Just a thought.

 

Chin up. At least it was just one date rather than three or four that you ended up paying for

[PegNosePete]

She probably wanted her free food and beer after the coffee. I assume you paid? Otherwise, there is no reason to continue a date with someone you aren't interested in. Just a colossal waste of your time at that point.

I wouldn't be so critical of her. Maybe she was genuinely having a good time and interested in seeing where it would go and getting to know the OP a bit better, but after the extended date or after sleeping on it, decided he wasn't her type. There's no evidence of intent to mislead or getting "free food and beer" from someone she knew was not going to get a 2nd date.

[salparadise]

Yea I feel like she should of just ended it after coffee, she knew at that point that she wasn't attracted to the point of dating, so she should of called it a night. I'm not bitter, but I have enough respect for people to end the date at an appropriate time into it, if I know I don't wanna see that person again, on that level

 

She was probably hungry for some pub food. Free food and entertainment... a woman's prerogative. I agree with the "don't take it personally" advice already given. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Edited August 26, 2016 by salparadise

[elaine567]

I wouldn't be so critical of her. Maybe she was genuinely having a good time and interested in seeing where it would go and getting to know the OP a bit better, but after the extended date or after sleeping on it, decided he wasn't her type. There's no evidence of intent to mislead or getting "free food and beer" from someone she knew was not going to get a 2nd date.

 

Agreed.

The OP is dating again after a bad break up, so my guess is that his walls are high, and that is the "cool" vibe she picked up on.

[Shining One]

I wouldn't be so critical of her. Maybe she was genuinely having a good time and interested in seeing where it would go and getting to know the OP a bit better, but after the extended date or after sleeping on it, decided he wasn't her type. There's no evidence of intent to mislead or getting "free food and beer" from someone she knew was not going to get a 2nd date.

She made the decision the same night, not the morning after. If she made the decision by the end of the extended date, the honorable thing would have been to at least offer to contribute. If she were genuinely interested in friendship, that would have been a good way to start.

[Toodaloo]

 

Before it gets into an argument about who should pay and all women being gold diggers and men being ungentlemanly if they do not pay etc etc etc yadda yadda yadda yawn...

 

Perhaps the above link would help.

 

Night. I just think you need some more time. Those of us who have been dating a while and are serious about finding someone can usually pick up fairly quickly when a person is hurting. It may not be obvious to you but to someone who is in a good place and watching closely its like a beacon going off.

 

I really think you just need more time to heal. More time to get back to being you.

 

I also really like your attitude and think that you behaved in a very attractive way so I doubt it has anything to do with anything other than she picked up that you are not quite your normal bouyant self yet.

[LookAtThisPOst]

So I've been talking to a girl for the last week and a half, and we've had so much in common, from interest/hobbies to our 5 love languages.

 

So we meet up for coffee and talk for about an hour, and then she ask what we should do next. I suggest we should go to an Irish pub and have a beer and food, she likes the idea and agrees( I feel like if the interest was gone, it should of ended after coffee?)

 

So we eat, drink, laugh, and have some good conversation for another hour and half, and decide to end the night. I go in for a hug and kiss, which she giggly denies, saying she doesn't kiss on the first date. I text her when I get home saying I had a good time and would like to meet up again, and she responds with that word, "'I did too, I think we would make great friends". So I asked out or curiosity, "so you're not looking for a relationship or don't find me attractive? and she responds with

"Well, no. I was. I just didn't get any kind of vibe. You are really cool. I just trust my instincts a lot and didn't get a relationship vibe."

 

 

Still. I had a good time and don't feel like I made a mistake or lost any time by meeting her. Though I didn't really want to just her friends so I told her good luck and all that. I just wish I didn't take this as such a harsh cut, especially when rejection wasn't something I wanted to deal with at the moment, but that is life

 

I had that happen with me, but after the 2nd date.

 

Met her online, we met in person at a restaurant. We had a nice time getting to know each other, and there was some music playing down at the square...I asked if she wanted to check out and she agreed (extended the date).

 

Gave myself a mental thumbs up.

 

There was a band playing in the center of the square so we enjoyed some music as we got to know each other better..then strolled some more.

 

When I walked her to her car, I new she was an outdoor enthusiast and asked her if she wanted to hit the state park next time since she enjoyed that kind of stuff. She agreed eagerly.

 

That day we spent the entire day together, had a great time, but she was kind of rebuffing my flirtatious/date-like advances. Like me reaching out to take her hand to help up or down off things...she would ignore it and help herself down or up. I would attempt to get close and she would be kind of "cold-fishing it".

 

Cordial and friendly, but nothing beyond that the entire day.

 

She was very friendly and nice, dont' get me wrong...but it was like she was treating me like a customer at a local TGIFridays. She wasn't accepting my vibe. We even had a picnic lunch together and wouldn't eat the strawberries or other fruits I brought (A female friend suggested that because strawberries is a romantic fruit.)

 

She didn't touch them, she just ate the sandwiches she brought for us.

 

Anyhow, to cut to the chase, I texted her later and asked about a third date...she said, "I had a great time, but, I just feel we could be friends"

 

I said, "That's too bad, I was really liking how things were going, good luck to you in your search"

 

She never acknowledged or replied to that response. So that was that.

 

Some "Friend" right? She never wanted to be "Friends", it's translated, "let's not do include each other in each other's lives in ANY capacity."

 

I hardly ever try to be "friends" with a woman I'm attracted to.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Yea I paid for both places

 

It's the cost of doing business unfortunately... move on

[insert_name]

Agreed.

The OP is dating again after a bad break up, so my guess is that his walls are high, and that is the "cool" vibe she picked up on.

 

If that is the case, then why not offer to contribute after picking up on this 'cool vibe'?

 

Sounds to me like the OP has been hard done by. Of course the girl is totally entitled not to continue dating him but from the OPs description of events it seems like she has had a good night out on the OP's dime and time while being conscious that it wasn't going anywhere.

[4x4storm]

Yeah I was friend zoned for the first time this year and didn't know how to go about it. I said thank you for letting me know and she ignored my text

 

She sent me a message 4 day's later asking how I was doing and I said I was going on a date that weekend let's just say she stopped sending me messages after that

 

I know many will probably disagree but in my honest opinion Male and Female can't be friends.

[Larryville]

The OP is dating again after a bad break up, so my guess is that his walls are high, and that is the "cool" vibe she picked up on.

 

E this is a good and important point.

 

If you are not 100% invested in actually finding someone, get off dating sites and don’t go out on dates period.

 

When I was in my “I hate dating” “I hate women” phase…

 

So we eat, drink, laugh, and have some good conversation for another hour and half, and decide to end the night. I go in for a hug and kiss, which she giggly denies, saying she doesn't kiss on the first date. I text her when I get home saying I had a good time and would like to meet up again, and she responds with that word, "'I did too, I think we would make great friends".

 

I heard this more times than I could count.

 

Until finally one woman said to me at the end of one date:

 

“You are a wonderful guy, but you are not over (someone), and you are either unwilling or unable to commit to a special someone, because you have been hurt… it is written all over your face”

 

She was absolutely right, while I enjoyed the dates, these women knew that for the most part I was going thru the motions.

 

Intelligent, intuitive women will read that in the guys they go out with. Was why after that statement I have to change my mindset and get my head right.

 

Meet people when you are ready and NOT before. Otherwise you are only wasting your time and theirs.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Take the money component out of the equation and all's fair in the dating dance. It could be as simple as one thing you said at some point in the night that rang some warning bells off or just that she was sussing out her overall attraction for you. Some people want to try the "if there isn't an instant spark I should give it a go anyway"but then bail from the idea.

 

I think it is tacky to let a guy pay for a night out you know won't go beyond that.

 

"Friends" is a lame excuse for I'm not attracted to you in that way.

[Shining One]

I know many will probably disagree but in my honest opinion Male and Female can't be friends.

It's generally difficult, especially when one has romantic interest in the other, but far from impossible. Many years ago, I went on one date with a woman I found very attractive. Unfortunately, she did not feel the same, but she really wanted to pursue friendship. At the end of that date, she insisted on paying her share. She also put effort into being a friend after a little time had passed. She later became my wing woman and she is one of my closest friends today.

 

With that being said, I don't think the woman in the original post was making a genuine offer of friendship.

[Popsicle]

Cut her off. No more chatting with her.

 

It's probably for the best anyway, I think you're not ready.

 

When you date, especially OLD, you can't get your hopes up so high about someone before at least 2 or 3 dates have gone well with them. Until then, think of it as kind of like an experiment, or like growing something in a test tube. It may or may not take. You have to wait and see. But you still have to be ready.

Edited August 26, 2016 by Popsicle

[elaine567]

, I don't think the woman in the original post was making a genuine offer of friendship.

 

Either do I.

"We would make great friends, but as I am looking for a relationship, then sorry, bye!"

 

In order to make a friend out of a date there has to be some extra ordinary connection that binds the two together, but not in a romantic way.

I guess that doesn't happen too often.

[jen1447]

So I asked out or curiosity, "so you're not looking for a relationship or don't find me attractive? and she responds with

"Well, no. I was. I just didn't get any kind of vibe. You are really cool. I just trust my instincts a lot and didn't get a relationship vibe."

 

I wouldn't take this as a negative at all OP. There are more misses than hits, and the important thing is you're out there making an effort. Also the move you made above to get clarity on the situ was extremely strong - it put a quick end to any lingering on and/or misunderstanding and/or twisting in the wind, which is the purgatory so many ppl are afraid to just push thru. You got the info, saw it for what it was, confirmed it, and moved on - good job.