Boyfriend locked himself in room after fight. Who does this??

August 26, 2016

This was 6 hours that just seems a bit much. And he still didn't cool off....

It doesn't sound like he went straight from argument to avoiding you for 6 hours with zero provocation though. From your opening post:

Me and my bf had an argument over something stupid. He wanted me to let it go, which eventually I did. But I didn't like how he was giving me the cold shoulder and I wanted to resolve it. Tried a few times.

It sounds to me like you were hounding him multiple times BEFORE the 6 hours was up. So obviously that exacerbates the issue significantly, it's not 'just a silly argument' anymore. The more you hound someone, the more they pull away.

Look, I'm not saying he's in the right either, I think both of you are probably incompatible and it's fine for you to leave, but you need to learn how to give people space, otherwise you'll never be able to coexist in a healthy LTR.

August 26, 2016

fight was over a comment. He felt I was being a smart ass. While the comment wasn't nice, I think he's being ridiculous.

If you say something to someone which isn't nice, you have to expect to be called on it. What did you say to upset him in the first place?

Look at what happened with this perspective. You said something not nice which upset him. You refused to accept his feelings on the matter. Then you pester him to talk about it. Answer me this: Why do you think he'd want to talk about it when you previously dismissed his feelings?

Have you realised that by calling this a silly argument, you're dismissing your role in starting it with saying not nice things and dismissing his feelings on the matter? You're doing a very good job of wiping your hands of any wrong doing on your part.

Edited August 26, 2016 by basil67

August 26, 2016

My comment which was not even a big deal, was in direct response to his comment blaming me because he couldn't sleep. So a fight over a pillow!! Wtf are we in kindergarten???? And I did apologize for my comment but he wanted to punish me by not talking to me. I should have left him alone, but I apologized so move on from it. Nope he couldn't do that. He has to be passive-aggressive and " teach me a lesson" and even told me I can't expect things to just immediately go back to normal. Yes you can. It's what adults do! They don't dwell. And he calls ME immature?

It's fine though it's over for me. He is not a nice person. Wouldn't even sleep next to me last night.

August 26, 2016

My grandmother was passive aggressive like this... She would give people the silent treatment and it was ridiculous! He needs to grow up and learn some better communication/conflict resolution skills.

But, what you fought about sounds pretty stupid and how you fought doesn't sound very fair... If he wanted space and you continued to argue with him, that's not a very mature and respectful thing to do either. I can see how he would be unhappy.

I think you both need to grow up and learn what it is to communicate in a respectful way with each other.

August 26, 2016

My comment which was not even a big deal, was in direct response to his comment blaming me because he couldn't sleep. So a fight over a pillow!! Wtf are we in kindergarten????

What exactly did you do to disturb his sleep?

And I did apologize for my comment but he wanted to punish me by not talking to me. I should have left him alone, but I apologized so move on from it. Nope he couldn't do that. He has to be passive-aggressive and " teach me a lesson" and even told me I can't expect things to just immediately go back to normal. Yes you can. It's what adults do! They don't dwell. And he calls ME immature?

Did he specifically say anything about 'punishing you' or are you just assuming?

Look, again, it's fine if you leave him but you are just going to encounter this issue again and again if you can't give people space. Of COURSE things don't immediately go back to normal after a big argument, especially one in which you said something hurtful! People aren't robots. Apologizing doesn't magically make everything okay immediately. If you jump to assumptions that a partner is 'punishing you' any time they pull back, you're going to be in for a bad time regardless of who you are with.

Is this your first LTR or something? How old are you?

August 26, 2016

We had a bad fight last night and I wouldn't give him space or drop it.when I call on my lunch like I usually do

I tried to text him

Me and my bf had an argument over something stupid. He wanted me to let it go, which eventually I did

He was in the living room with me then like 10 min later he ran to the bedroom bc he had a headache. I left him alone for a while, then he went to make something to eat. Took it to the damn room, and I asked him why he can't sit with me in the living room?

Here is your problem. You are a royal pain in the arse. You pick on the man till he gets blue in the face and you won't let it go even when he asks you to drop it. I wonder how old you are, you are behaving like an 8 year old who don't know when to quit.

You think you give him space but you don't. After a fight there you are calling and texting him. Leave him be! He know how much times he needs to cool down, you don't hold the chronometer of his brain. Stop nagging him and stop expecting he should be calmed down on your timeframe. If he doesn't want to have a sandwich in the living room with you LET HIM BE. He is old enough to know where he wants to eat is sandwich. You understand?

Once he cools down which doesn't take long if I don't keep trying to talk to him while he's heated, he will have an adult conversation with me.

Finally this. You know exactly what to do, why you don't do it??? Why you don't leave him alone after a fight? Why do you keep nagging? why do you keep telling him what to do? and why do you expect he should come to you when you perfectly know he needs time alone??

You have a serious problem with boundaries. Before accusing him of anything maybe you should look at your own lack of respect for his space and his feelings. Your refusal to give him time when he requests it is indicative of your total lack of respect and consideration toward him.

August 26, 2016

This was 6 hours that just seems a bit much. And he still didn't cool off....

fight was over a comment. He felt I was being a smart ass. While the comment wasn't nice, I think he's being ridiculous. This is why I kept trying to talk to him because it's ridiculous.... he said all mean things. But it just shows how insecure he really is and how low his self esteem is. Calling me immature, and saying if I'm going to be an a**hole so is he, who the f calls their gf that??? Then when I called him out of name calling being childish he retaliated with anger. I just refuse to believe he cares about me at all... told me this could have been avoided if I would have left him alone. How I made him come out of his character and he's not a bad person. Nope he's just a damn narcissist.

You started this by making a mean comment to him and when he told you he didn't like what you said you didn't care. Own that at least. You decided it was ridiculous for him to be hurt or to tell you to stop it. It sounds like you dish it out but can't take it, even if he's just telling you to stop. See how you don't care how HE feels? You write it off as "ridiculous" and 6 hours as "too much."

Thinking that his feelings are ridiculous escalates the disrespect that you started by making the mean comment. Not tolerating his needing space and hounding him is just part 3 of the disrespect, making it worse at each step.

Realize your role in this and change it or a pattern will develop.

August 26, 2016

You started this by making a mean comment to him and when he told you he didn't like what you said you didn't care. Own that at least. You decided it was ridiculous for him to be hurt or to tell you to stop it. It sounds like you dish it out but can't take it, even if he's just telling you to stop. See how you don't care how HE feels? You write it off as "ridiculous" and 6 hours as "too much."

Thinking that his feelings are ridiculous escalates the disrespect that you started by making the mean comment. Not tolerating his needing space and hounding him is just part 3 of the disrespect, making it worse at each step.

Realize your role in this and change it or a pattern will develop.

I say it's silly bc he told me he couldn't sleep bc I gave him the wrong pillow like I did it on purpose and I even told him I didn't. So I said I couldn't sleep either because he was snoring last night. I didn't say in a mean way but his comment put me on the defensive....

Today he is in the living room with me watching tv then he gets his phone and headphones to listen to music with me next to him. At least he isn't locking himself in the bedroom...for now....

August 26, 2016

I say it's silly bc he told me he couldn't sleep bc I gave him the wrong pillow like I did it on purpose and I even told him I didn't. So I said I couldn't sleep either because he was snoring last night. I didn't say in a mean way but his comment put me on the defensive....

Today he is in the living room with me watching tv then he gets his phone and headphones to listen to music with me next to him. At least he isn't locking himself in the bedroom...for now....

You said you were going to break up with him.

You said earlier you made a mean remark and that's what started all of this but now you're just arguing (again) that you're right. Your second paragraph shows that you're still scrutinizing and judging his behaviors. Take the microscope off of him and start looking at what you're doing. That's all that you can control anyway, yourself.

August 26, 2016

So true, you can only control your own behavior. Time to turn the mirror around...

Based on what has been posted, it doesn't sound like either of you are mature enough to be in a healthy relationship. You have a lot of learning to do...

August 26, 2016

OP,

It doesn't sound to me that you guys even like each other, never mind love each other.

I think you should just call it quits and move on.

August 26, 2016

I say it's silly bc he told me he couldn't sleep bc I gave him the wrong pillow like I did it on purpose and I even told him I didn't. So I said I couldn't sleep either because he was snoring last night. I didn't say in a mean way but his comment put me on the defensive....

In relationships, our partners can say things which get up our noses. I do it to my husband and he does it to me. But jumping on those things and placing counter blame is incredibly damaging.

The best thing I've learned is to just let the small things go. In this case, you would have been far better off mentally rolling your eyes, biting your tongue and getting on with the day.

We have an expression called "letting it through to the keeper". I guess a good US translation would be "letting it through to the short stop". Don't try and whack a wayward ball, just let it pass on through and don't worry about it.

If you had bitten your tongue and let it go, you wouldn't be in this mess right now.

August 26, 2016

I say it's silly bc he told me he couldn't sleep bc I gave him the wrong pillow like I did it on purpose and I even told him I didn't. So I said I couldn't sleep either because he was snoring last night. I didn't say in a mean way but his comment put me on the defensive....
..

Why did you assume he said that on purpose? Why your mind goes to the negative and accusatory right away? He said he could not sleep because you gave him the wrong pillow, big deal. You could have just answered 'sorry hon I didn't realize I did'. He is your boyfriend, your lover, stop fighting him like he is your annoying little brother pulling your hair.

August 27, 2016

You both have poor communication skills and it sounds like you don't even like each other anymore.

This one won't last. Both of you need some time to mature.

August 27, 2016

You started this by making a mean comment to him and when he told you he didn't like what you said you didn't care. Own that at least. You decided it was ridiculous for him to be hurt or to tell you to stop it. It sounds like you dish it out but can't take it, even if he's just telling you to stop. See how you don't care how HE feels? You write it off as "ridiculous" and 6 hours as "too much."

Thinking that his feelings are ridiculous escalates the disrespect that you started by making the mean comment. Not tolerating his needing space and hounding him is just part 3 of the disrespect, making it worse at each step.

Realize your role in this and change it or a pattern will develop.

i accepted responsibility for making that comment and I even apologized. I guess I didn't understand why he needed to be left alone but trust me I do now...

August 27, 2016

It doesn't sound like he went straight from argument to avoiding you for 6 hours with zero provocation though. From your opening post:

It sounds to me like you were hounding him multiple times BEFORE the 6 hours was up. So obviously that exacerbates the issue significantly, it's not 'just a silly argument' anymore. The more you hound someone, the more they pull away.

Look, I'm not saying he's in the right either, I think both of you are probably incompatible and it's fine for you to leave, but you need to learn how to give people space, otherwise you'll never be able to coexist in a healthy LTR.

He expressed himself and he admitted he takes things too far. So now he complaining how he had a headache, doesn't feel good, and is moping around. I never said anything about me leaving though. He lives with me in my apartment.

August 27, 2016

My grandmother was passive aggressive like this... She would give people the silent treatment and it was ridiculous! He needs to grow up and learn some better communication/conflict resolution skills.

But, what you fought about sounds pretty stupid and how you fought doesn't sound very fair... If he wanted space and you continued to argue with him, that's not a very mature and respectful thing to do either. I can see how he would be unhappy.

I think you both need to grow up and learn what it is to communicate in a respectful way with each other.

yes, I didn't understand that it was disrespectful but I had to look at it from a different perspective.

He said even if he needs a week I need to respect his space...

August 27, 2016

Why did you assume he said that on purpose? Why your mind goes to the negative and accusatory right away? He said he could not sleep because you gave him the wrong pillow, big deal. You could have just answered 'sorry hon I didn't realize I did'. He is your boyfriend, your lover, stop fighting him like he is your annoying little brother pulling your hair.

She's on guard. It sounds like there's Such a history of arguing and built up tension in this relationship, she expects criticism and negativity in every interaction. They probably both do.

Not healthy.

August 27, 2016

I think this is really uncalled for. We had a bad fight last night and I wouldn't give him space or drop it. So today he is in a mood, and when I call on my lunch like I usually do he's quiet. I told him he's so quiet today, and he says " I'm not in the mood to talk" I say oh okay, I'll see you later when I get home then. So he just ends the call. No bye or nothing. I'm trying not to take it personal but it's hard. I know how he is when he's in a mood. So I am going to let him initiate phone calls and texts for a while. I always call him on my lunch break and when I'm on my way home. But since he went and hung up on me, I see he needs space from me.

I tried to text him saying that I must have hung up before we could say bye but he isn't replying. I don't like the silent treatment. I think it's immature, but you can't have an adult convo when he's in a bad mood.

You both have poor conflict resolution skills. Once an argument becomes so heated and unmanageable, one of them should say "hey, we aren't getting anywhere with this issue right now. Let's step back, collect our thoughts, think about what's been said so far and circle back later today, tomorrow, whatever. A partner should not chase the other partner who has become overwhelmed and force the issue.

The way he's handling it now is not acceptable. However, you have no choice but to give him the space otherwise you are simply repeating the behavior from the previous argument by chasing him around if you are calling, texting, etc. When/if he comes back around, you two need to sit down and work out a conflict resolution solution. He's wrong AND you are wrong.

And, when someone tells me or shows me that they need space, I become NASA and they can contact Houston. If they take too long, their aircraft may not have a landing place.

August 27, 2016

He expressed himself and he admitted he takes things too far. So now he complaining how he had a headache, doesn't feel good, and is moping around. I never said anything about me leaving though. He lives with me in my apartment.

Does he have anywhere else to go...for space?

August 27, 2016

You both have poor conflict resolution skills. Once an argument becomes so heated and unmanageable, one of them should say "hey, we aren't getting anywhere with this issue right now. Let's step back, collect our thoughts, think about what's been said so far and circle back later today, tomorrow, whatever. A partner should not chase the other partner who has become overwhelmed and force the issue.

The way he's handling it now is not acceptable. However, you have no choice but to give him the space otherwise you are simply repeating the behavior from the previous argument by chasing him around if you are calling, texting, etc. When/if he comes back around, you two need to sit down and work out a conflict resolution solution. He's wrong AND you are wrong.

And, when someone tells me or shows me that they need space, I become NASA and they can contact Houston. If they take too long, their aircraft may not have a landing place.

he lives with me. This morning he asks me a simple question, and I didn't answer it direct I said "what do you mean"? Hw explodes and asks what part of the question didn't you understand? We had a long talk last night and then he says he thought I understood.

We're just too different I think. He's too blunt and abrupt and I'm sensitive and not direct. I don't see how we can find common ground...it's getting worse & worse even when I don't do anything wrong it's still wrong...

August 27, 2016

Does he have anywhere else to go...for space?

yes he does. I wanted to spend today with him but I think it's better he get away.

August 27, 2016

No, it does not sound like you have much common ground...

August 27, 2016

Sounds like the relationship is already over.

August 27, 2016

After a fight and a guy takes himself to his room or leaves, leave him alone until he comes back himself and is cooled down. It's really stupid to try to pressure anyone when they're mad just because YOU don't like their reaction. Anyone for any reason asks for space or clearly needs it, give it to them.

Pecking via text is still pecking. Stop it. So childish.

Sign In

Boyfriend locked himself in room after fight. Who does this??

Recommended Posts

Els

basil67

enchanted771

BaileyB

Els

Gaeta

BlueIris

enchanted771

BlueIris

BaileyB

Arieswoman

basil67

Gaeta

ExpatInItaly

enchanted771

enchanted771

enchanted771

LexiB

Redhead14

Timshel

enchanted771

enchanted771

BaileyB

ExpatInItaly

preraph

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...