Boyfriend locked himself in room after fight. Who does this??

August 26, 2016

It can take a while to move from "I'm going to leave if this continues" to "I'm leaving now". The fact that he's still there doesn't mean that he's not serious about leaving if things don't change.

We totally get to choose when to walk away from a relationship. And I don't see anything wrong with telling a partner that their behaviour is a dealbreaker and that if it continues, you will walk away.

At least the partner had the heads up and could make changes if they felt it was warranted.

I just tried to talk to him and this is 6 1/2 hours later. He wouldn't talk to me then said he's leaving for the day tomorrow.He has said he is going to do that before but I'm going to just leave in the morning because he obviously hates me. Then when I said we need to work together he says I tried that with you. Then he straight up threatned me if I don't change he's leaving . I think it's better I just let him leave. Yes, I should have left him alone but his acting mean and cruel is uncalled for.

August 26, 2016

I just tried to talk to him and this is 6 1/2 hours later. He wouldn't talk to me then said he's leaving for the day tomorrow.He has said he is going to do that before but I'm going to just leave in the morning because he obviously hates me. Then when I said we need to work together he says I tried that with you. Then he straight up threatned me if I don't change he's leaving . I think it's better I just let him leave. Yes, I should have left him alone but his acting mean and cruel is uncalled for.

Please, stop trying to talk to him. Trust me on this one.

Just be cordial and sweet. Sleep next to him tonite. Give it a few days.

Once the dust settles, then over a nice meal one day hold his hand and say that you two need to talk and make a decision about the RL.

It's not good to try to discuss stuff in heated moments and/or soon after.

But really, I still thin you shouldn't even try talking to him without a counselor or someone skilled in conflict resolution - like an arbitrator. Cuz, you two do not appear to have the maturity or skill to have healthy communication and discussion. Even if the RL ends and/or the counselor reveals things that show the RL won't last, at least you two will leave the sessions with better tools on how to communicate in future RLs.

August 26, 2016

enchanted771,

I'm afraid that from what you've said this isn't a healthy relationship, and there are big differences in conflict resolution styles.

You are both in the wrong and him more so.

When he said that you should leave him alone, you should do just that.

However, he seems to be exhibiting passive/aggressive behaviour, which doesn't bode well.

Then he straight up threatned me if I don't change he's leaving .

^^^ is just plain manipulative.

I think you should just help him pack and let him go, I don't think there is much worth salvaging.

Sorry x

August 26, 2016

I just tried to talk to him and this is 6 1/2 hours later. He wouldn't talk to me then said he's leaving for the day tomorrow.He has said he is going to do that before but I'm going to just leave in the morning because he obviously hates me. Then when I said we need to work together he says I tried that with you. Then he straight up threatned me if I don't change he's leaving . I think it's better I just let him leave. Yes, I should have left him alone but his acting mean and cruel is uncalled for.

Enchanted, I'm trying to get my head around the fact that he still won't talk to you.

What was this fight over and what kind of things did the two of you say to each other during the fight? It's so hard to advise who is right and wrong without knowing what kind of issue it's over and the damage done by the fight.

And he doesn't obviously hate you. But he is obviously very upset.

August 26, 2016

He's trying to tell you to BACK OFF! Leave him alone, he is threatening to leave because it's the only way you might stop hounding him.

Tell him you love him and leave him be until he comes to you. There will be no resolution with these attitudes.

August 26, 2016

enchanted771,
I'm afraid that from what you've said this isn't a healthy relationship, and there are big differences in conflict resolution styles.

You are both in the wrong and him more so.

When he said that you should leave him alone, you should do just that.

However, he seems to be exhibiting passive/aggressive behaviour, which doesn't bode well.

^^^ is just plain manipulative.

I think you should just help him pack and let him go, I don't think there is much worth salvaging.

Sorry x

Telling someone that 'if things don't change the relationship is over' is not manipulative. It's fair warning. This sounds like it has been going on for a while and is not getting better. This relationship might have run its course. At least OP isn't going to be one of the people who said 'it came out of nowhere.'

August 26, 2016

Please, stop trying to talk to him. Trust me on this one.

Just be cordial and sweet. Sleep next to him tonite. Give it a few days.

Once the dust settles, then over a nice meal one day hold his hand and say that you two need to talk and make a decision about the RL.

It's not good to try to discuss stuff in heated moments and/or soon after.

But really, I still thin you shouldn't even try talking to him without a counselor or someone skilled in conflict resolution - like an arbitrator. Cuz, you two do not appear to have the maturity or skill to have healthy communication and discussion. Even if the RL ends and/or the counselor reveals things that show the RL won't last, at least you two will leave the sessions with better tools on how to communicate in future RLs.

hes plain mean. He told me he doesn't want to sleep next to me then added you annoyed me all day why would I want to sleep next to you. Then said he's leaving tomorrow and he doesn't know for how long. He meant to get away but it isn't going to work because I was gone on vacation 6 days and we only got along for 2 days.

August 26, 2016

hes plain mean. He told me he doesn't want to sleep next to me then added you annoyed me all day why would I want to sleep next to you. Then said he's leaving tomorrow and he doesn't know for how long. He meant to get away but it isn't going to work because I was gone on vacation 6 days and we only got along for 2 days.

He's not being mean he's being honest. He wants space so give it to him! He doesn't owe it to you to let you be in his face 24/7.

August 26, 2016

Enchanted, I'm trying to get my head around the fact that he still won't talk to you.

What was this fight over and what kind of things did the two of you say to each other during the fight? It's so hard to advise who is right and wrong without knowing what kind of issue it's over and the damage done by the fight.

And he doesn't obviously hate you. But he is obviously very upset.

fight was over a comment. He felt I was being a smart ass. While the comment wasn't nice, I think he's being ridiculous. This is why I kept trying to talk to him because it's ridiculous....he said all mean things. But it just shows how insecure he really is and how low his self esteem is. Calling me immature, and saying if I'm going to be an a**hole so is he, who the f calls their gf that??? Then when I called him out of name calling being childish he retaliated with anger. I just refuse to believe he cares about me at all...told me this could have been avoided if I would have left him alone. How I made him come out of his character and he's not a bad person. Nope he's just a damn narcissist.

August 26, 2016

Telling someone that 'if things don't change the relationship is over' is not manipulative. It's fair warning. This sounds like it has been going on for a while and is not getting better. This relationship might have run its course. At least OP isn't going to be one of the people who said 'it came out of nowhere.'

For me, I don't accept "warnings" in a relationship. We are equal, we love each other, what gives you the right to give me warnings? The underlying tone is "if you want to be with me, you change" and it is condescending. If I don't like something my BF did, I just tell him I don't like it, without adding "I'm gonna leave". If my BF tells me "please don't do XYZ" then I will stop. If he says "Don't do XYZ or I'm leaving" then I send him packing.

I don't know what exactly happened between OP and your BF. Sounds bad if he's leaving tomorrow. Don't sure this relationship is worth saving though because I don't like his tone. But again I don't know what you did to him that caused it.

August 26, 2016

Sorry, but your relationship is dead in the water. Now, it's just about how long you both drag out the mutual torture and unhappiness until one person finally cuts the cord.

For starters, recognize when you aren't compatible. You state that he's cruel and has been cruel before. You describe truly dysfunctional interactions. To use your own words: you're "hounding" him after the argument, and he's giving you the silent treatment for 6+ hours after saying mean and cruel things to you and threatening to leave in the heat of the silly argument. All this over a "stupid" issue. Why on earth would you want more of this? ...especially when it sounds as if this is repeat behavior.

It's not about quitting or sticking it out. It's about recognizing when you aren't compatible with someone you're dating and moving on to find happiness and a healthy dynamic with someone with whom you actually are. It's about getting your needs met rather than being repeatedly "hurt." It's about being able to trust and share with your partner, rather than closing off because you feel he throws your vulnerabilities and understandable insecurities that you confided in him in your face during arguments. It's not like you've been married fifteen years and have small kids. You're just dating!!! The whole point of dating is to figure out whether you're compatible with the person you're seeing. Quite obviously, you're not! Time to let it go, and look elsewhere.

August 26, 2016

enchanted771,
I'm afraid that from what you've said this isn't a healthy relationship, and there are big differences in conflict resolution styles.

You are both in the wrong and him more so.

When he said that you should leave him alone, you should do just that.

However, he seems to be exhibiting passive/aggressive behaviour, which doesn't bode well.

^^^ is just plain manipulative.

I think you should just help him pack and let him go, I don't think there is much worth salvaging.

Sorry x

its heartbreaking but your right. I'm going to just let him go his way. I need someone who isn't so angry all the time. He's always angry and everything is bs. He literally has 2 friends. Because everyone else won't deal with him and of course it's always everyone else fault never him and his 10 mile long issues. I was understanding but i see he has too much unresolved things. I'm not perfect but a woman doesn't want a man who is borderline abusive. Which he def is. And he then tells me " I see how you had issues in your relationships". Yeah because I was too move and gave too many chances and they knew this which is why all of them try to reconcile.

August 26, 2016

Sorry, but your relationship is dead in the water. Now, it's just about how long you both drag out the mutual torture and unhappiness until one person finally cuts the cord.

For starters, recognize when you aren't compatible. You state that he's cruel and has been cruel before. You describe truly dysfunctional interactions. To use your own words: you're "hounding" him after the argument, and he's giving you the silent treatment for 6+ hours after saying mean and cruel things to you and threatening to leave in the heat of the silly argument. All this over a "stupid" issue. Why on earth would you want more of this? ...especially when it sounds as if this is repeat behavior.

It's not about quitting or sticking it out. It's about recognizing when you aren't compatible with someone you're dating and moving on to find happiness and a healthy dynamic with someone with whom you actually are. It's about getting your needs met rather than being repeatedly "hurt." It's about being able to trust and share with your partner, rather than closing off because you feel he throws your vulnerabilities and understandable insecurities that you confided in him in your face during arguments. It's not like you've been married fifteen years and have small kids. You're just dating!!! The whole point of dating is to figure out whether you're compatible with the person you're seeing. Quite obviously, you're not! Time to let it go, and look elsewhere.

your right...it hurts but I'm setting him free.

August 26, 2016

...But really, I still thin you shouldn't even try talking to him without a counselor or someone skilled in conflict resolution - like an arbitrator. Cuz, you two do not appear to have the maturity or skill to have healthy communication and discussion.

If dating someone requires that you get a counselor or a third party to arbitrate interactions, that's a clear sign that you aren't compatible!

August 26, 2016

For me, I don't accept "warnings" in a relationship. We are equal, we love each other, what gives you the right to give me warnings? The underlying tone is "if you want to be with me, you change" and it is condescending. If I don't like something my BF did, I just tell him I don't like it, without adding "I'm gonna leave". If my BF tells me "please don't do XYZ" then I will stop. If he says "Don't do XYZ or I'm leaving" then I send him packing.

I don't know what exactly happened between OP and your BF. Sounds bad if he's leaving tomorrow. Don't sure this relationship is worth saving though because I don't like his tone. But again I don't know what you did to him that caused it.

over a stupid comment. He's really acting abusive. To act passive aggressive over a comment is emotional abuse.

August 26, 2016

If dating someone requires that you get a counselor or a third party to arbitrate interactions, that's a clear sign that you aren't compatible!

not worth it.

August 26, 2016

If my BF tells me "please don't do XYZ" then I will stop.

According to OP, her BF did that repeatedly. "Please don't do xyz." OP admitted to relentlessly continuing to 'do xyz.'

If I recall correctly, OP said he even sat down with her and went over the things he saw as a problem. Surprisingly, she did not share that with us, but she acknowledge that she went right back to 'doing xyz.'

I don't think he is making empty threats for purposes of manipulation. It sounds like he is pretty serious about it. He might even have tentative plans in the works. But it takes some time to find a new place to live and arrange movers. Meanwhile he is being harangued at home when he might just want some peace and quite.

Strangely enough, if this guy does leave OP in the next week or two, then will that make him a good guy after all, in your eyes? It would mean that he wasn't threatening to leave as a manipulation tactic, but as a last ditch effort to get OP to leave him alone for a bit.

August 26, 2016

over a stupid comment. He's really acting abusive. To act passive aggressive over a comment is emotional abuse.

This is really a bit much and a disservice to women who are actually abused.

I hear this type of thing so much, I always suspect this might be what women really mean when they claim to have been in an 'abusive relationship.'

August 26, 2016

According to OP, her BF did that repeatedly. "Please don't do xyz." OP admitted to relentlessly continuing to 'do xyz.'

If I recall correctly, OP said he even sat down with her and went over the things he saw as a problem. Surprisingly, she did not share that with us, but she acknowledge that she went right back to 'doing xyz.'

I don't think he is making empty threats for purposes of manipulation. It sounds like he is pretty serious about it. He might even have tentative plans in the works. But it takes some time to find a new place to live and arrange movers. Meanwhile he is being harangued at home when he might just want some peace and quite.

Strangely enough, if this guy does leave OP in the next week or two, then will that make him a good guy after all, in your eyes? It would mean that he wasn't threatening to leave as a manipulation tactic, but as a last ditch effort to get OP to leave him alone for a bit.

the thing is, any small thing I do is disrespectful in his eyes. I can't speak my mind and he wants to talk down to me and any way he feels but that's ok right?

I've been understanding and supportive and he has taken advantage. It's his way or the highway. My feelings never count and I'm selfish if I'm telling him something that upset me that he did.

August 26, 2016

According to OP, her BF did that repeatedly. "Please don't do xyz." OP admitted to relentlessly continuing to 'do xyz.'

If I recall correctly, OP said he even sat down with her and went over the things he saw as a problem. Surprisingly, she did not share that with us, but she acknowledge that she went right back to 'doing xyz.'

I don't think he is making empty threats for purposes of manipulation. It sounds like he is pretty serious about it. He might even have tentative plans in the works. But it takes some time to find a new place to live and arrange movers. Meanwhile he is being harangued at home when he might just want some peace and quite.

Strangely enough, if this guy does leave OP in the next week or two, then will that make him a good guy after all, in your eyes? It would mean that he wasn't threatening to leave as a manipulation tactic, but as a last ditch effort to get OP to leave him alone for a bit.

I'm not even saying he is manipulating now. I'm saying even if he is being serious, it's not fair to give warnings to your SO. If you cant live with it, leave. If you are not leaving, don't ever say it. It is one of the things you don't ever say to your SO. If anything, you do just it. well this is just me anyway. And this is NOT why people complain "I don't know why he left me". That's because their partners didn't give them a reason, not a warning.

Edited August 26, 2016 by h0000

August 26, 2016

OP why are you still in this miserable sounding relationship?

August 26, 2016

how do you figure? I believed him until he decided to use my weakness against me.

You are really stretching things here. While it's technically 'possible' that he's being manipulative, it's far more likely that he just needs space after an argument, which is perfectly normal.

I agree with the others that this R probably isn't right for both of you. But if you can't even stand someone wanting to be in a different ROOM from you for a few HOURS after an argument, you're going to be in for an unpleasant shock no matter who you are with. Disengaging is a very normal way of letting off steam after an argument and being in a different room for a couple of hours is really not a big deal at all.

August 26, 2016

I'm not even saying he is manipulating now. I'm saying even if he is being serious, it's not fair to give warnings to your SO. If you cant live with it, leave. If you are not leaving, don't ever say it. It is one of the things you don't ever say to your SO. If anything, you do just it. well this is just me anyway. And this is NOT why people complain "I don't know why he left me". That's because their partners didn't give them a reason, not a warning.

that is right! I keep hearing time after time how he will leave and it's not just once or twice, he threatens all the time when he doesn't get his damn way!

August 26, 2016

You are really stretching things here. While it's technically 'possible' that he's being manipulative, it's far more likely that he just needs space after an argument, which is perfectly normal.

I agree with the others that this R probably isn't right for both of you. But if you can't even stand someone wanting to be in a different ROOM from you for a few HOURS after an argument, you're going to be in for an unpleasant shock no matter who you are with. Disengaging is a very normal way of letting off steam after an argument and being in a different room for a couple of hours is really not a big deal at all.

This was 6 hours that just seems a bit much. And he still didn't cool off....

August 26, 2016

OP why are you still in this miserable sounding relationship?

wont be for long...I'm sure within next couple days or lessor will be over.

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