Boyfriend locked himself in room after fight. Who does this??

August 26, 2016

He's probably thinking the same about you..he asked you for space and you refused to respect that..multiple times...he's probably thinking 'who does that?!?!

Next time he says to leave him alone, leave him alone. You are in the wrong here, not him.

The threatening to leave is worrisome though. That's cruel. He's definitely wrong there.

Ok well I appreciate your honesty. Yes & he knows the history with my ex. How he left me when I was at work...I explained my feelings to him about how that hurt me...but every time we get in a fight and I won't leave him alone he throws that in my face...and tells me how I'm stressing him out and he's going to just walk out. How he can even love someone and still leave. Clearly he doesn't love me so that comment doesn't even matter....

August 26, 2016

It's not uncommon to need a bit of time out to recover from a fight. But how one goes about it is the issue. Assuming he used a pleasant voice, telling you that he had a headache and was going to chill on his own for a bit is quite reasonable. I mean, even when there's no fight, it's easier to recover from a headache when we're on our own!

The biggest issues to me is that the two of you fight over stupid stuff. If an argument is stupid, why would you waste time fighting over it? Unless of course, it actually wasn't a stupid thing.

Him threatening to leave means that he's already got one foot out the door. Unless the two of you can stop arguing, I'd say that he won't be around for too much longer. Be grateful that you know he's unhappy - which means that you still have time to address it.

August 26, 2016

Of course he might be leaving, but using this as a tool to provoke a reaction or to manipulate someone during a fight (and this is how I took the OPs comment about it but I could be wrong) in an argument is cruel. It would leave a person constantly walking on eggshells..having been in this position myself I can tell you that that is exhausting and crazy-making.

OP, can you clarify?

I feel he is doing it to retaliate even though he has stated many times that he left people he loved due to the stress....however, he does know the hurtful situation with my last ex which I'm wondering if I should have even told him. My ex left me when I was at work. And this guy wonders why I don't open up? Because later he will use it to manipulate me. Playing on my weakness. I could do the same thing if I was immature...which would be to take off and leave him alone for a few days.

I went on vacation 5 days and he was whining how lonely he was and how he missed me. He was full of it.

August 26, 2016

Ok well I appreciate your honesty. Yes & he knows the history with my ex. How he left me when I was at work...I explained my feelings to him about how that hurt me...but every time we get in a fight and I won't leave him alone he throws that in my face...and tells me how I'm stressing him out and he's going to just walk out. How he can even love someone and still leave. Clearly he doesn't love me so that comment doesn't even matter....

Love isn't the lynchpin of a relationship. Things like respect and compatibility are far more important.

He may well love you very much, but if you can't respect his need for space and the two of you can't stop fighting and learn to listen and respect, he may find that he has to leave you for his own good.

Also, the comment of *every time we get into a fight* is alarming. Just how often are you fighting? You know that frequent fights in a relationship mean that the relationship isn't so great?

August 26, 2016

I feel he is doing it to retaliate even though he has stated many times that he left people he loved due to the stress....however, he does know the hurtful situation with my last ex which I'm wondering if I should have even told him. My ex left me when I was at work. And this guy wonders why I don't open up? Because later he will use it to manipulate me. Playing on my weakness. I could do the same thing if I was immature...which would be to take off and leave him alone for a few days.

I went on vacation 5 days and he was whining how lonely he was and how he missed me. He was full of it.

Wow.

You clearly have lost all respect for your bf. So why are you still with him?

August 26, 2016

It's not uncommon to need a bit of time out to recover from a fight. But how one goes about it is the issue. Assuming he used a pleasant voice, telling you that he had a headache and was going to chill on his own for a bit is quite reasonable. I mean, even when there's no fight, it's easier to recover from a headache when we're on our own!

The biggest issues to me is that the two of you fight over stupid stuff. If an argument is stupid, why would you waste time fighting over it? Unless of course, it actually wasn't a stupid thing.

Him threatening to leave means that he's already got one foot out the door. Unless the two of you can stop arguing, I'd say that he won't be around for too much longer. Be grateful that you know he's unhappy - which means that you still have time to address it.

yes he has stated that. He has been threatening this for a month and it's hurtful. He knows my ex did this so I think he does it partly to hurt me....I get a panic attack when he says this which only hurts me. I have decided however, if we can't work together then it would be better to calmly ask him to leave when things calm down rather than during a hurricane...

I will try to work things out and not give up (yet), but I just don't have a lot of hope right now...

August 26, 2016

Wow.

You clearly have lost all respect for your bf. So why are you still with him?

how do you figure? I believed him until he decided to use my weakness against me.

August 26, 2016

Love isn't the lynchpin of a relationship. Things like respect and compatibility are far more important.

He may well love you very much, but if you can't respect his need for space and the two of you can't stop fighting and learn to listen and respect, he may find that he has to leave you for his own good.

Also, the comment of *every time we get into a fight* is alarming. Just how often are you fighting? You know that frequent fights in a relationship mean that the relationship isn't so great?

yes I know but I'm not a quitter...but there is a point when you need to wonder if you two are not a good match...

I meant no disrespect I just worry and get anxiety when he's upset with me because he acts cruel.

August 26, 2016

how do you figure? I believed him until he decided to use my weakness against me.

I figure that you don't respect him because of the way you talk about him. Look at the bolded bits in this post of yours - this isn't the way we talk about people who we respect.

>>I feel he is doing it to retaliate even though he has stated many times that he left people he loved due to the stress....however, he does know the hurtful situation with my last ex which I'm wondering if I should have even told him. My ex left me when I was at work. And this guy wonders why I don't open up? Because later he will use it to manipulate me. Playing on my weakness. I could do the same thing if I was immature...which would be to take off and leave him alone for a few days.

I went on vacation 5 days and he was whining how lonely he was and how he missed me. He was full of it.<<

August 26, 2016

yes he has stated that. He has been threatening this for a month and it's hurtful. He knows my ex did this so I think he does it partly to hurt me....I get a panic attack when he says this which only hurts me. I have decided however, if we can't work together then it would be better to calmly ask him to leave when things calm down rather than during a hurricane...

I will try to work things out and not give up (yet), but I just don't have a lot of hope right now...

One of your problems is right here.

You shouldn't view it as hurtful that he's planning to leave: It's a very passive stance. Instead you should be looking at the issues which are pushing him away.

I recall when I was in the same place as your ex is now. My ex husband knew that I had one foot out the door, but instead of doing something about it he just got mad and hurt. He changed nothing, so I left.

August 26, 2016

yes I know but I'm not a quitter...but there is a point when you need to wonder if you two are not a good match...

I meant no disrespect I just worry and get anxiety when he's upset with me because he acts cruel.

What makes you think that leaving a relationship which doesn't meet your needs is quitting?

Recognising that we want better for ourselves is a proactive stance - it's not a quitting stance. If anything, by staying in a bad relationship you're quitting on yourself.

What does he do which is cruel?

August 26, 2016

Everyone is telling OP you need to stop bugging him. I agree. But I'm not too sure it's all OP's fault. There isn't much info.

After the argument over something stupid, how long did you leave him alone? and how long after did he come out and make something to eat? and eventually how long did he take to come out and talk to you again?

I ask because if it was something trivial, and it took him a whole day to come back to you, then he has issues managing his emotions. I wouldn't wanna be with an angry man like this.

And it's very wrong for him to say "I'm leaving" to deliberately hurt OP, or manipulate OP, or passive aggressively threatening OP. It is his fault don't make excuses for that. I don't quite agree with some posters that says OP shouldn't feel hurt, so she should thank him for passively give her a lessen then?

August 26, 2016

I feel he is doing it to retaliate even though he has stated many times that he left people he loved due to the stress....however, he does know the hurtful situation with my last ex which I'm wondering if I should have even told him. My ex left me when I was at work. And this guy wonders why I don't open up? Because later he will use it to manipulate me. Playing on my weakness. I could do the same thing if I was immature...which would be to take off and leave him alone for a few days.

I went on vacation 5 days and he was whining how lonely he was and how he missed me. He was full of it.

This is a nasty manipulative way to treat you..it's bordering on emotional abuse in my eyes.

Is there really anything to salvage here?

August 26, 2016

I figure that you don't respect him because of the way you talk about him. Look at the bolded bits in this post of yours - this isn't the way we talk about people who we respect.

>>I feel he is doing it to retaliate even though he has stated many times that he left people he loved due to the stress....however, he does know the hurtful situation with my last ex which I'm wondering if I should have even told him. My ex left me when I was at work. And this guy wonders why I don't open up? Because later he will use it to manipulate me. Playing on my weakness. I could do the same thing if I was immature...which would be to take off and leave him alone for a few days.

I went on vacation 5 days and he was whining how lonely he was and how he missed me. He was full of it.<<

your right.....I lost respect for him when I saw the game he plays when we get in a fight. He shouts and says mean things that really hurt. I think you can be pissed at someone but still remain kind and not hurt that person.

August 26, 2016

This is a nasty manipulative way to treat you..it's bordering on emotional abuse in my eyes.

Is there really anything to salvage here?

I honestly don't know...I'm going back and forth thinking about it. I need to come to a decision and stick by it.

August 26, 2016

Everyone is telling OP you need to stop bugging him. I agree. But I'm not too sure it's all OP's fault. There isn't much info.
After the argument over something stupid, how long did you leave him alone? and how long after did he come out and make something to eat? and eventually how long did he take to come out and talk to you again?

I ask because if it was something trivial, and it took him a whole day to come back to you, then he has issues managing his emotions. I wouldn't wanna be with an angry man like this.

And it's very wrong for him to say "I'm leaving" to deliberately hurt OP, or manipulate OP, or passive aggressively threatening OP. It is his fault don't make excuses for that. I don't quite agree with some posters that says OP shouldn't feel hurt, so she should thank him for passively give her a lessen then?

The first time we talk it took him maybe 3 hours. 2 hours later he made something to eat. He has briefly came out here to drink coffee. I didn't say a word because he lock himself in room 4 hours, and he refused to talk or pay attention to me and I even tried to hug him. This time he can come to me and talk. If he wants to leave so be it. I'm independent and I am fine being single. Better than being unhappy.

August 26, 2016

I'm a female, and I know how we get - especially when angry. We'll follow a guy around, and demand answers. If a guy gets silent on us, that's worst. Instead of us talking ourselves tired, no, we get louder cuz we want him to respond.

Men are more stoic creatures. We women are more of the communicative gender.

Men dread when we even mention needing to "talk". Most ghosting and/or fading, IMO, is done by men cuz they do not want to deal with the fury of a woman who's gotten dumped.

Jeff Foxworthy has a good skit about a guy sitting down and his woman asking him what he's thinking and guy's like "nothing", and the woman, for the like of herself just cannot wrap her head around the fact that a man has "nothing" going on in his head when like Wanda Sykes' skit - we women are always in our heads, even when we're going to sleep, we're always thinking, talking, communicating. NOT MEN.

Perhaps your guy meant it that he wants to break up. I mean, he probably changes his mind once the dust settles when you two fight.

When dude broke up with me, we sorta had a texting version of what you had. He was like "STOP" and I kept on going on and on and on. Looking back, I believe that I had good reason to be upset with him, cuz like your guy, IMO, he's probably seeing other people and lying to me and/or was simply inconsiderate and rude to me (I guess what he refers as being "frivolous" towards people - even ones he alleges he cares about).

But still, I believe that taunts, insults, threats of dumping, and chasing someone around to the point where they have to yell (or text) STOP and even hide from you isn't gonna fix anything - even "if" the RL needs to end.

It's simple, next time no fighting. You both probably need to see a counselor to learn how to communicate. Even if this RL is dead in the water cuz you two need to get some maturity and communication skills, hopefully you both can get something out of the counseling to use in future relationships.

Well wishes...

August 26, 2016

I ask because if it was something trivial, and it took him a whole day to come back to you, then he has issues managing his emotions. I wouldn't wanna be with an angry man like this.

Likewise, it's alarming that they wasting all this energy and emotion fighting over trivial stuff. Who would want to be in a relationship where trivia becomes drama?

And it's very wrong for him to say "I'm leaving" to deliberately hurt OP, or manipulate OP, or passive aggressively threatening OP. It is his fault don't make excuses for that. I don't quite agree with some posters that says OP shouldn't feel hurt, so she should thank him for passively give her a lessen then?

But is he saying it to hurt and manipulate, or is he being honest about having one foot out the door? I guess it depends on whether or not he takes back his words when things are calm.

Time and time again we see posters who are hurt because the partner who left didn't give any warning and so they couldn't fix things. This is the angle I'm taking when I talk about being glad that there is warning of a breakup if things don't improve.

August 26, 2016

The first time we talk it took him maybe 3 hours. 2 hours later he made something to eat. He has briefly came out here to drink coffee. I didn't say a word because he lock himself in room 4 hours, and he refused to talk or pay attention to me and I even tried to hug him. This time he can come to me and talk. If he wants to leave so be it. I'm independent and I am fine being single. Better than being unhappy.

If my BF gives me the silence treatment for 4 hours, for something trivial, now I will explode! lol

I don't like cold shoulders. If you love each other, you don't give cold shoulders. The best you two are incompatible, the worst he is immature and selfish.

August 26, 2016

Likewise, it's alarming that they wasting all this energy and emotion fighting over trivial stuff. Who would want to be in a relationship where trivia becomes drama?

But is he saying it to hurt and manipulate, or is he being honest about having one foot out the door? I guess it depends on whether or not he takes back his words when things are calm.

Time and time again we see posters who are hurt because the partner who left didn't give any warning and so they couldn't fix things. This is the angle I'm taking when I talk about being glad that there is warning of a breakup if things don't improve.

yes I understand what your saying and I'm on the fence about this RL too. He came out 5 min, sat next to me to drink coffee but didn't say a word. I figure, I try to talk to him 4 hours ago so it's up to him.

I don't even feel comfortable to sleep next to him tonight so I won't be joining him in bed tonight.

August 26, 2016

But is he saying it to hurt and manipulate, or is he being honest about having one foot out the door? I guess it depends on whether or not he takes back his words when things are calm.

Time and time again we see posters who are hurt because the partner who left didn't give any warning and so they couldn't fix things. This is the angle I'm taking when I talk about being glad that there is warning of a breakup if things don't improve.

It does sound like he is trying to manipulate because he hasn't left yet has he? If you are leaving, then leave.

When you have issues to fix, you tell them "we need to fix this" you don't tell them "you need to fix this or I am leaving" As if you are superior and you get to choose. I don't think it's healthy communication.

August 26, 2016

If my BF gives me the silence treatment for 4 hours, for something trivial, now I will explode! lol

I don't like cold shoulders. If you love each other, you don't give cold shoulders. The best you two are incompatible, the worst he is immature and selfish.

more than likely the later. He can sleep alone tonight

August 26, 2016

It does sound like he is trying to manipulate because he hasn't left yet has he? If you are leaving, then leave.
When you have issues to fix, you tell them "we need to fix this" you don't tell them "you need to fix this or I am leaving" As if you are superior and you get to choose. I don't think it's healthy communication.

Exactly. He says it to get a reaction. You want to leave, go.

August 26, 2016

It can take a while to move from "I'm going to leave if this continues" to "I'm leaving now". The fact that he's still there doesn't mean that he's not serious about leaving if things don't change.

We totally get to choose when to walk away from a relationship. And I don't see anything wrong with telling a partner that their behaviour is a dealbreaker and that if it continues, you will walk away.

At least the partner had the heads up and could make changes if they felt it was warranted.

August 26, 2016

If my BF gives me the silence treatment for 4 hours, for something trivial, now I will explode! lol

I'm betting it was the fight which made him need emotional space - not the trivial matter itself. Terrible thing to fight over a trivial matter.

Can't help but wonder if hurtful or angry words were exchanged during the fight.

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Boyfriend locked himself in room after fight. Who does this??

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