She contacted me again after months

[BlkVelvet]

Ummm. . .yeah. Metaphorically.

 

Let's go with that.

Edited December 19, 2016 by BlkVelvet

[Blanco]

I guarantee that if the situation was reversed, if I was posting about a current gf repeatedly contacting the ex she left to be with me, everyone would be yelling "Red Flag Red Flag! She wants her ex back!"

 

Not necessarily. I agree that the above is often less than ideal for the health of a relationship, but would add that context is important.

 

In your situation, this is a woman who has known you for 10 years, with more than half of that being in a platonic friends capacity. Her contact, while confusing to you, seems pretty straight forward in that she's not done so much as hint to you that she wants to reconcile in the six or seven months since you two started sporadic communication again.

 

If this woman wanted to come back, she would not be letting nearly a year elapse without making a move. If she wanted to come back, you'd know by now. You'd have something to hang your hat on besides far-fetched reading between the lines. You don't, so you must trust that she doesn't want to come back. You must accept the likelihood that she simply feels a platonic connection to you because of how long you have known each other.

 

So no, I don't think it's confusing to someone who can look at this objectively. If this woman wanted back, she wouldn't be getting ready to spend the holidays with another man.

[DarrenB]

So no, I don't think it's confusing to someone who can look at this objectively. If this woman wanted back, she wouldn't be getting ready to spend the holidays with another man.

 

Quoted for emphasis.

[Slimtripper]

If you actually did truly care about this person you would leave her alone and stop this nonsense.

Move your job, move cities. Move country, move career.

Do anything other than sit around feeling sorry for yourself while another guy is nailing her every night.

You aren't giving any other women a chance. You believe there is only one woman in the whole world suited to you. Which puts you around the insanity section of this forum.

There is no such thing as GIGS. There is BAD. Being A Doormat.

Waiting around and ruining your own life because someone doesn't want you.

She DOES NOT WANT YOU.

Understand that and save yourself from a lifetime of pain.

And save everyone else on here a bunch of pain by either taking our advice or leaving the forum. We cant just keep saying the same thing to you man.

[frigginlost]

 

I came here originally looking for a reason why she continues to contact her ex. I hoped that the experience of the forum might give me some clues, but all I've found is the standard advice to block/ignore and settle for some woman I don't want.

 

 

This actually made me chuckle. If after nearly 30 pages of fantastic advice, you still can't get a clue, I'm afraid you never will.

 

Let me drop some reality on you. You have asked time and time and time again why your ex contacts you. You have spun every reason given to you into something you will not believe. You have even gone so far as to compare her actions of ignoring other exes as some sort of signal. She contacts you, because you allow it. There is nothing deeper to it than that.

 

She sees you as nothing more than a friend. The text conversation you posted reeked of a friend just shooting the sh*t. Nothing more.

 

Now, before you go off on me just being a NC parrot, I'm not. I'm one of the very few around here who believe in low contact. But only for those strong enough for it. You are nowhere near that.

[Earlybird2016]

If you actually did truly care about this person you would leave her alone and stop this nonsense.

Move your job, move cities. Move country, move career.

Do anything other than sit around feeling sorry for yourself while another guy is nailing her every night.

You aren't giving any other women a chance. You believe there is only one woman in the whole world suited to you. Which puts you around the insanity section of this forum.

There is no such thing as GIGS. There is BAD. Being A Doormat.

Waiting around and ruining your own life because someone doesn't want you.

She DOES NOT WANT YOU.

Understand that and save yourself from a lifetime of pain.

And save everyone else on here a bunch of pain by either taking our advice or leaving the forum. We cant just keep saying the same thing to you man.

 

I have left her alone? It seems like you've cherry-picked some facts from the thread, perhaps. I haven't tried to contact her in about ELEVEN months, maybe six weeks after the break up. All the contact since then has been initiated by her.

 

I HAVE thought about moving etc, but to be honest I don't want to give up on a 20 year career and a job I love.

[hestheone66]

I'm at this very moment chatting on WhatsApp with a former flame. .he was very keen on me, years before...I was never interested in anything more than a casual fling..

 

I stayed away for approx 2 years...I told him that he needed to move on.

 

About a year ago the contact rekindled..he is very similar to my bf in many ways and I've introduced them..I'm totally open and don't play games.. I enjoy the attention he gives me...he seems to compare every woman he dates against his feelings for me..

 

I'm telling you this as contact and attention do not equal a relationship...

[Viking]

Man, this is just pathetic. I started reading this thread with the hopes and expectations of some form of conclusion. However, I skipped to the end because I'm impatient and it's just the same stinky pile of bull****.

 

Obviously this woman did not love you the way you deserved. She "ghosted" you after four years...that's harsh, impersonal and cold. It's about as uncaring as someone can get.

 

Drop her like a bag of trash. Open the lid, throw her in, close the lid, walk away and wash your hands. You've given way too much care to this.

 

I understand the losing weight, that happens to me. My ex even commented because I was rather gaunt. However, having to get anti anxiety meds and having counseling is problematic. You need to look to the future with a positive mindset. You could have been well on your way to healing by now. Download Tinder and explore what's out there. This girl is not good for you, she is the dog vomit you referenced earlier.

 

She weighed all the pros and cons of life without you, made her mind up, and moved on. You need to do the same.

[Earlybird2016]

I'm at this very moment chatting on WhatsApp with a former flame. .he was very keen on me, years before...I was never interested in anything more than a casual fling..

 

I stayed away for approx 2 years...I told him that he needed to move on.

 

About a year ago the contact rekindled..he is very similar to my bf in many ways and I've introduced them..I'm totally open and don't play games.. I enjoy the attention he gives me...he seems to compare every woman he dates against his feelings for me..

 

I'm telling you this as contact and attention do not equal a relationship...

 

Thank you for this. We didn't have a casual fling (we were together for four years but she told me that she'd been in love with me for ten, which is why she never pursued any previous relationship) but I very much take your point about the context of contact being important.

 

Did your former flame give you any indication of still being hung up on you? I ask because in nearly a year I've given my ex nothing to indicate I still have romantic feelings. I've responded to her texts, yes, but always with a realistic delay before replying and always with a kind of friendly and lighthearted detachment, if that makes sense. She has no idea if I'm dating, or anything about my life, really. My social media has been private for months(we never interact on there and I never look at hers so not much point in blocking) and up until very recently my profile pic was just a funny meme, now it's a pic from a Christmas night out (me, after 11 months at the gym, new suit, haircut etc).

[Sweetfish]

Thank you for this. We didn't have a casual fling (we were together for four years but she told me that she'd been in love with me for ten, which is why she never pursued any previous relationship) but I very much take your point about the context of contact being important.

 

Did your former flame give you any indication of still being hung up on you? I ask because in nearly a year I've given my ex nothing to indicate I still have romantic feelings. I've responded to her texts, yes, but always with a realistic delay before replying and always with a kind of friendly and lighthearted detachment, if that makes sense. She has no idea if I'm dating, or anything about my life, really. My social media has been private for months(we never interact on there and I never look at hers so not much point in blocking) and up until very recently my profile pic was just a funny meme, now it's a pic from a Christmas night out (me, after 11 months at the gym, new suit, haircut etc).

 

 

I see you perk up to female responses? Is this your methology?

[Earlybird2016]

I see you perk up to female responses? Is this your methology?

 

Not consciously but ... Many of the female responses seem to have come from dumpers, and don't seem as tempered by hurt and bitterness as the dumpee responses (the majority of which, arguably, are male).

 

So yes, I'm not doing on purpose but I probably AM gravitating towards even-handed responses, because I feel that a dumpers insight is hopefully more balanced. After all, I know MY feelings and how I've distanced myself in terms of contact etc, but I'm trying to understand my ex's continued interest when, as documented, none of the classic ego-stroke, back burner, guilt etc reasons seem to apply. Friendship seems the most likely thing, but I've not courted it or anything (my responses are uber neutral) so I'm intrigued by the effort she's making when I'm clearly not.

[Blanco]

These "more balanced" people are telling you the same thing as the supposedly "bitter" people are.

[Earlybird2016]

These "more balanced" people are telling you the same thing as the supposedly "bitter" people are.

 

Some are, not all.

 

Some are offering insight from my ex's potential perspective, and as none of the possible breadcrumb scenarios that dumpees should be wary of apply here, it's interesting to hear why my ex would continue to pursue what is essentially a one sided "friendship" as in she's making 100% of the effort to maintain a link with me.

[Blanco]

And the consensus from those people is that she just likes the attention, which is something others suggested long ago. So now what? You have your insights from the people who are basically in your ex's spot and they aren't any more encouraging to what you want than what others have been telling you for nearly five months.

 

At this point it doesn't matter why she's contacted you because it clearly means far more to you than it does to her, so this nonchalant act is a pointless waste of time and a way of further deluded yourself that there's still any sort of future for you with this person.

[DarrenB]

What do you even want from this entire situation... what is there to even analyze at this point?

[dumbass2]

OP I may have missed some posts in here, but have you tried calling her recently? Why don't you call her and see what's up. Get some questions off your chest. Ask her why she stays in contact with you.

 

I usually would never to say to do this, but in this case......

[krich1187]

In my opinion, and as someone who has been through a breakup and also broken up with people (and currently dealing with a relationship issue) if your ex is seeing someone else, you should close that window completely.

 

If she is contacting you and seeing someone else, she is acting quite selfishly to both you and this new person. You certainly have feelings for her, and it seems she knows it. I would close the window on her. You have given her time, and with that time it appears she has moved on. Perhaps if you do close the window, she makes a move more in line with what you want.

 

Either way, close the window, move in, and let the cards fall where they may. At this point I am the type to try to give as positive a message as possible to someone who is struggling, but unfortunately, I can't get much positive out of this for you. The main positive, is you seem to have been very pleasant to her, but that clearly is not enough. Sorry!

[Alamo657]

She thinks nothing of you, you're just a memory which happens to materializes trough lines in her phone.

 

Meanwhile, she's doing kama-sutra with new_guy she dumped you for , in a very humiliating manner i might add.

[krich1187]

She thinks nothing of you, you're just a memory which happens to materializes trough lines in her phone.

 

Meanwhile, she's doing kama-sutra with new_guy she dumped you for , in a very humiliating manner i might add.

 

To the OP...these guys who are blasting you like this are kind of giving you tough medicine. The general message is more delicately put as, she is in a new relationship, moved on, and any contact she has made isn't enough to merit her current situation changing to where she wants to explore anything with you. Out of respect for yourself, understand she is with someone else, and unless she ends that completely for you, you are being played like a fiddle.

[Blanco]

OP, I think some people are getting a little too abrasive here, but the question really does need to be asked: What are you trying to figure out at this point?

 

This thread is about to hit 400 posts, which is an astounding figure when you consider how little has happened within the thread.

 

We have looked at this from every conceivable angle. You've had dozens of people come through and add their theory as to what any of this means. The most popular reasons for her sporadic contact include guilt, a desire for friendship, and seeking attention. These have come from men and women, dumpers and dumpees, younger people and more experienced people.

 

You've gotten some great responses from an eclectic assortment of people, none of whom seem to think your ex's actions mean what you really want them to mean.

 

You concede that you don't think she wants to reconcile, and yet your posts and continued over-analyzing of anything she says suggests that deep down, you don't really believe that. You continue to push this angle about how it's "interesting" that she's made all of the contact, as if that means anything more than you having great resolve not to contact her all the while quietly waiting for her to contact you again. I don't even get the sense that she's contacting you that often, but because you aren't reaching out at all, you think it still means something that she infrequently contacts you.

 

I'll reiterate what I said nearly two months ago: It's time to lay out your cards on the table. Either tell her how you feel or stop lying to her by omission and tell her that you can't handle being her friend.

[Sweetfish]

So to the OP i have to admit this behavior is not normal, but not abnormal to someone who has additive traits and this thread is like your medicine. At this point if your not a drinker nor smoker. I wouldnt doubt your weapon of choice would br porn. But i could be wrong.

 

I think what attracted your gf was your passive aggressive behavior and at that time is what she needed. Her needs changed as the passive behavior gets old.

 

You are highly passive as i watch you interact with the other members here and because of that passivness you are not even attractive socially to the males here because you dont even connect to them or share a bond.

 

You need to break down your personality and really admit if your core system of interacting with people is working.

Its not working.

[Ilovepizzalady]

So to the OP i have to admit this behavior is not normal, but not abnormal to someone who has additive traits and this thread is like your medicine. At this point if your not a drinker nor smoker. I wouldnt doubt your weapon of choice would br porn. But i could be wrong.

 

I think what attracted your gf was your passive aggressive behavior and at that time is what she needed. Her needs changed as the passive behavior gets old.

 

You are highly passive as i watch you interact with the other members here and because of that passivness you are not even attractive socially to the males here because you dont even connect to them or share a bond.

 

You need to break down your personality and really admit if your core system of interacting with people is working.

Its not working.

 

What do you mean by passive (observing here)?

[BlkVelvet]

So to the OP i have to admit this behavior is not normal, but not abnormal to someone who has additive traits and this thread is like your medicine. At this point if your not a drinker nor smoker. I wouldnt doubt your weapon of choice would br porn. But i could be wrong.

 

I think what attracted your gf was your passive aggressive behavior and at that time is what she needed. Her needs changed as the passive behavior gets old.

 

You are highly passive as i watch you interact with the other members here and because of that passivness you are not even attractive socially to the males here because you dont even connect to them or share a bond.

 

You need to break down your personality and really admit if your core system of interacting with people is working.

Its not working.

 

^^This man tells NO lies. Excellent post.

[Sweetfish]

What do you mean by passive (observing here)?

 

 

 

Avoid conflict.

Avoid fights.

Slient treatment.

Doing good for others expecting a kick back.

Peace maker.

Holding in anger.

Bottling in emotions.

Problem solver for every situation

 

I have not meet one woman on this earth that find these traits attractive in a male.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I don't agree that if someone leaves you you should be mad at them. They did what was best for them. It's not like they did anything horrible except decide what is best.